Monday, September 28, 2009

Poodle Bitch's First Video

Poodle Bitch has created a short piece of animation, which can now be seen on YouTube. It is not exactly "Lady and the Tramp," but it is at least as good as the collection of dog cartoons from The New Yorker. Poodle Bitch believes it is certainly worth 40 seconds of your time.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Poodle Bitch is Annoyed By Mystery Spam

Poodle Bitch has received a spam email that is simultaneously flattering and sinister. She would be more scared, if she weren't swelled with pride over how trustworthy some people claim to believe she is.

Of course, Poodle Bitch does not know how seriously she should take compliments when they're contained within an email that is addressed "Dear Sir/Madam."

Poodle Bitch is a Bitch; she is neither a "sir" nor a "madam."

Salam(Urgent Business Assistant in Asia)‏
From: Medivet Veterinary Group
Sent: Sun 9/27/09 6:05 AM

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am KAREN BLAIR, the regional purchasing manager of Medivet Veterinary Group, 4 Mowat Industrial Estate Sandown Road Watford Hertfordshire WD24 7UY IN UNITED KINGDOM,

before I had a car accident.... I cannot continue my business for now because of my present condition and that is why I am contacting you.I used to represent my company to several Asian countries to purchase a product called "Adequan"..

This product is a vaccine use for animal treatment and health care. It is very essential in raising animals like horses, lambs, Sheep, cows, dogs etc. As of this, I am having a business proposal for you. Please find the statements below:

1. I will introduce you to my company's General Manager as being the main and only Supplier of the said vaccine.

2. The vaccine costs USD 8,500 per packet in UNITED STATES, but in Malaysia, Pacific Asia sub-region where I have been purchasing it, it relatively cheaper being USD 2,200 per packet. You will be supplying it to my company at the rate of USD 4,000 per carton.

3. Note that the actual cost price of the vaccine (USD 2,200) remains confidential and should not be disclosed to my company GM as this will affect our profit.

4. Neither my company directors know the seller of this product nor the seller know my company directors; I will however introduce you as the main supplier.

My company normally purchases 80-100 packets in each trip I make depending on the quantity left behind in the company. The seller of this product is a woman, you will purchase the product from the woman and supply to my company, my company will make payment to you cash on delivery. Let the above mentioned be in mutual beneficiary for us and an opportunity to embark in future engagements. I need somebody trustworthy to be introduced as the main supplier. Finally, if you wish to take up this offer, kindly get back to me so that I can give you all contact details and that of my GM whom you will contact and send you quotation. I also will give you the price to quote; in return my GM will then issue you an LPO (Legal Purchasing Order).Should you have any question regarding this business, don't hesitate to ask me.. my

Awaiting your swift response.

Best Regards,


Poodle Bitch is no expert, but the language of this email reminds her of what it must be like to deal with drug dealers. The sellers and company directors do not know one another, and must be kept in the dark as to their respective identities. Moreover, the actual price of the product must not be disclosed.

Oops. Perhaps Poodle Bitch should have redacted the prices listed in this spam email. Or, even better, perhaps the composer of this spam email should not have disclosed the prices.

Come to think of it, since the people in the email are selling animal vaccines, Poodle Bitch supposes that, literally, these people are drug dealers. Poodle Bitch will take a pass on this particular "opportunity."

Friday, September 25, 2009

Project Runway 6 Episode 6: Life is Unfair, and So Are the Judges

The designers are taken to a movie studio lot- it looks like it might be the Fox lot, but Poodle Bitch is unsure. She does not regularly visit studio lots; she is not one of the “beautiful poodles.” Tim Gunn and Collier Strong tell the designers that their next challenge will be to choose a film genre, and create an outfit for a character from that genre.

As the winner of the previous challenge (and deservedly so), poodle companion Irina is given the chance to select first. She rather sensibly chooses film noir. Poodle Bitch has to say that she is a bit disappointed; Irina has immunity, and could really have let her “inhibitions run wild” (sorry, she has Rod Stewart on the brain, for some reason) with something like science fiction; but, no matter. Irina is the top designer, and Poodle Bitch has faith.

The designers’ names are pulled from a bag at random by Mr. Gunn.

Logan chooses action adventure. Given the way some of the models talk about Logan on “Models of the Runway,” Poodle Bitch is sure that they will disappointed that “pornography” was not a genre up for selection.

Carol Hannah does not pick woodland fairy, she , too, chooses action adventure. Perhaps she’ll make something for Legolas?

Ra’mon takes science fiction. He interviews that he grew up watching “sci fi,” and knows all about “Star Wars” and “Star Trek.” Poodle Bitch is not a snob about speculative fiction like a certain human with whom she lives, so she will refrain from making comments on the science fictional worth of the two “Star” series, “Wars” and “Trek.”

Louise goes obvious and selects “film noir.” “That has your name written all over it,” as Mr. Gunn says. Poodle Bitch has watched enough reality to know that this is what’s called “foreshadowing.”

Althea also chooses film noir, and now Poodle Bitch is confused. She thought there were only two of each genre. How can poodle companion Irina, Louise, and dull as dishwater Althea all select the same genre?

Gordana selects period piece.

Nicolas unsurprisingly selects science fiction. Did he not do some kind of ridiculous straight out of Philip K Dick’s most fevered Valis inspired nightmare outfit last week?

Nicolas designed these (along with Gordana, in fairness to him- but he did most of the design work) a few weeks ago. Poodle Bitch believes no comment is necessary- this criticizes itself.

Christopher selects period piece.

This leaves two “westerns” left, for Shirin and Epperson. No one wanted to do any western-inspired outfits, for some reason. Poodle Bitch thinks this might be an interesting way for certain designers to stand out. She has to admit that “film noir” is probably a bit too easy for most of these designers.

Epperson complains that he wanted “period piece,” but Poodle Bitch would like to point out that, by definition, westerns are period pieces. It is all in how one looks at it.

The designers are immediately taken off the (Fox?) lot and back to the Fashion Institute, which makes little sense to Poodle Bitch. Why bother taking them to the lot in the first place, if they’re only going to spend five minutes picking genres? They could have done that at the Institute. Even worse, the designers are informed that this is a one-day challenge. They have until midnight tonight to finish. So they spent two hours each way, in traffic, traveling to the lot that served only as a pretty backdrop, and now have until midnight to create their clothing?

Epperson begins by thinking of John Wayne, which won’t help him to design a gown.

Shirin starts thinking “saloon girl.” Poodle Bitch is a big fan of the television show “Deadwood,” and she does not understand why these designers are so down on western wear. There is plenty of interest to be done with it.

Carol Hannah is foregoing the “woodland sprite” look, and doing a sexy assassin. Poodle Bitch would ironically point out that that hasn’t been done before.

Logan apparently has a crush on Carol Hannah. “She’s nice to have around,” he interviews, with timid charm. Regular viewers of “Models of the Runway” know that Logan could have his pick from among almost any of the models, so his interest in Carol Hannah is both unfortunate and misplaced. Regardless, Poodle Bitch hopes that he has a happy life.

Oh, and Logan is designing a “military esque-slash-like sword fighter.” This is just another way of saying “sexy assassin look.”

For her part, Carol Hannah thinks Logan is “distracting” and “hot.” Don’t get burned!

Nicolas says that he’s out in fantasy land. In his own world. Given his feelings about his own work, Poodle Bitch would agree with that.

Althea says she likes “the sort of femme fatale woman, very sort of classic, edgy.” Poodle Bitch would like to point out to Althea that “femme fatale woman” is a redundancy, and there is very little that is “edgy” about a fashion designer being inspired by films noir. If Althea really were “edgy,” she would have selected “western” as her genre. As it is, Poodle Bitch is far more interested to see what “Trekker” Ra’mon comes up with.

Irina feels she doesn’t need immunity.

Christopher worries his interpretation of “period piece” might confuse the judges. If someone like, say, Nicolas who makes the same thing over and over again and has very little in the way of actual inspiration, were to say this, Poodle Bitch might consider it an example of hubris, but given Christopher’s relative skill, and the way the judges have judged this season, Poodle Bitch shares his concern.

Epperson makes the valid point that Poodle Bitch had been thinking. “’Western’ is a ‘period’,” he says. But it is his job to make “western” an exclamation.

Epperson has been creating good designs from the first episode. Why has he not yet won any of the challenges?

Someone keeps stealing Louise’s bobbins. Even as she sews, she is still working on her concept. More foreshadowing. Poodle Bitch is beginning to worry for her.

Mr. Gunn doesn’t like Christopher’s bare-armed gown for his Victorian vampire bride.

Epperson has embraced the western genre. “Annie get your gun,” Mr. Gunn says appreciatively. He is seduced by Epperson’s ruffles. Poodle Bitch would love to make something that seduces Tim Gunn.

Ra’mon’s human alien hybrid skin-like jumpsuit could be “sublime, or a big, hot mess.”

Louise needs to be less minimal.

Nicolas is told to exaggerate and go bigger. Poodle Bitch agrees. Nicolas is dull. He is so dull that part of his time with Mr. Gunn is taken up with an expression of worry about Ra’mon’s design. When Nicolas thinks of “sci fi,” he thinks of beautiful, not Godzilla. Ra’mon is twice the designer you are, Nicolas. Ra’mon is skilled and serious. You are silly.

But now Ra’mon is second-guessing himself. “It’s Kermit the frog gone wrong.” He’s going to start from scratch. A dress? A coat? Despite the fact that Ra’mon almost single-handedly saved Mitchell from elimination in the third episode, Poodle Bitch is beginning to worry about him.

Irina barely finishes her dress. Poodle Bitch has to say that she is not heartened by the small glimpses she has gotten from the editing.

This week’s judges are John Varvatos (Poodle Bitch is unsure of who he is, but she seems to vaguely recall finding herself on his email list, for some reason), Marie Claire editor Zoe Glassner , and Academy Award nominated designer Arianne Phillips.

Poodle Bitch needn’t have worried. Irina’s model looks dangerous and elegant.

Carol Hannah’s model looks like a character from “The Matrix.” Excuse Poodle Bitch while she yawns.

The same can be said for Logan’s. It looks like their pillow talk involved exchanging design ideas.

Ra'mon won such praise for the tiedye dress, which almost saved Mitchell. Can he go back to the well again (or, should Poodle Bitch say "toilet"? she has read that the above dress was dyed in one).

Oh, how Poodle Bitch wants to love Ra’mon’s design- and she does. Alas, it is the execution that lets him down. It looks like it was thrown together at the last minute, as it likely was.

Poodle Bitch’s favorites were Irina, Epperson Christopher, and Ra’mon. Her least favorites were Carol Hannah, Logan, and Nicolas. Irina, Carol Hannah, and Logan ended up in the middle, and are excused from the runway.

The judges think Gordana’s design is too dull, and too derivative. Poodle Bitch agrees.

Nicolas’s silly ice queen dress impresses the judges, for some reason. “Clever, bold, and risky,” Zoe says. Poodle Bitch would use the more appropriate adjectives, “Uninspired, safe, and boring” to describe the outfit. The hair and makeup, on the other hand, are quite interesting.

They call Louise’s dress boring and unspecial. This after praising Nicolas. Poodle Bitch wonders how it is that we are to take the judges seriously. Where is Michael Kors? Where is Nina Garcia?

Christopher’s mixing of eras gets praise from the judges.

The judges don’t like Ra’mon’s dress, much as they like his story. “Hot green mess,” Heidi says.

They did like Epperson’s denim and leather dress, with it seductive ruffles.

But it’s Nicolas’s ice queen that “blew away” the judges. How could the judges have gotten it so right last week, and so wrong this week? Nicolas’s dress might have been well-made, but it showed none of the inspiration of Ra’mon’s.

Ra’mon is sent home. Poodle Bitch cannot believe it. The judges must be smoking something that takes away their common sense. Carol Hannah, Logan, Althea, Gordana, and Nicolas are all far lesser designers, who "played it safe." Yet they are given passes, and in Nicolas's case, an undeserved victory.

This season has certainly tested Poodle Bitch. She understands that life is unfair, and the best designers are often treated shabbily by the vaguaries of fate, but must “Project Runway” so closely mirror that fact?

Ra'mon design picture source.
Nicolas design picture source.
Epperson design picture source.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dogs are not People. Humans Need to Accept This.

Poodle Bitch finds it simultaneously charming and sad that humans insist on studying animals in human terms. She understands the reason for this, as humans are only human, and have a human frame of reference. But she has to wonder why it is that they never seem to tire of doing the same things over and over again, and expecting newer, more insightful results.

Poodle Bitch finally made it through this long Time story entitled "The Secrets Inside Your Dog's Mind," and she is once again left scratching her head. Apparently, Duke University has a facility (or will have, the article is poorly worded) called the Duke Canine Cognition Center. How serious is this facility? Poodle Bitch instructs the reader to take a look at the photo of the person who will be heading it:

How absolutely adorable! The head of this very important scientific facility is photographed upside down, laying on the ground beside a noble greyhound that is at least 32% more attractive than he. Taking a break that, the caption assures us, is "well deserved." Because this work, Poodle Bitch is sure, is quite strenuous:

"Henry!" he says. Henry is a big black schnauzer-poodle mix--a schnoodle, in the words of his owner, Tracy Kivell, another Duke anthropologist. Kivell holds on to Henry's collar so that he can only gaze at the biscuit.

"You got it?" Hare asks Henry. Hare then steps back until he's standing between a pair of inverted plastic cups on the floor. He quickly puts the hand holding the biscuit under one cup, then the other, and holds up both empty hands. Hare could run a very profitable shell game. No one in the room--neither dog nor human--can tell which cup hides the biscuit.

Henry could find the biscuit by sniffing the cups or knocking them over. But Hare does not plan to let him have it so easy. Instead, he simply points at the cup on the right. Henry looks at Hare's hand and follows the pointed finger. Kivell then releases the leash, and Henry walks over to the cup that Hare is pointing to. Hare lifts it to reveal the biscuit reward.

Henry the schnoodle just did a remarkable thing. Understanding a pointed finger may seem easy, but consider this: while humans and canines can do it naturally, no other known species in the animal kingdom can. Consider too all the mental work that goes into figuring out what a pointed finger means: paying close attention to a person, recognizing that a gesture reflects a thought, that another animal can even have a thought. Henry, as Kivell affectionately admits, may not be "the sharpest knife in the drawer," but compared to other animals, he's a true scholar.

Poodle Bitch believes it is Henry the "schnoodle" who is running the shell game. She finds it remarkable that humans would find this remarkable. A domesticated dog found a biscuit, after being told where it was by a human.

So the humans think.

Henry the schnoodle knew where that biscuit was the entire time. Henry smelled it. Poodle Bitch would think that anyone who was in charge of something so serious sounding as a Canine Cognition Center would at least know something about dogs' sense of smell.

Poodle Bitch would also like to point out that Henry could tell exactly what it was that the human expected of his behavior, because he has lived with humans his entire life. Domesticated pets have to read their humans companions because they depend upon them for food and shelter. In this way, the cynic would point out, they have fully assimilated the human concept of "love."

Speaking of "pointing," which seems to so fascinated the researchers and the author of the article:

A chimp can follow the gaze of other chimps and figure out what they can and cannot see. That's a skill that seems to be limited to great apes and humans. Tomasello and his team wondered if such a rare ability extended to hand gestures and tested chimps to see if they could understand pointing. To their surprise, the chimps did badly, able to learn the meaning of a pointed finger only after lots of training.

It is only after "lots of training" that any animal can do anything of interest to humans. Any animal that spends a lot of time with humans is going to pick up on those things, and do them. The animal will do this out of "love." Poodle Bitch notes W. Somerset Maugham's famous quotation "Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species."

Poodle Bitch disagrees with the tone of the quotation, but the sentiment is certainly true. It is not a dirty trick, but it is a trick. It's a trick in the same way that human love is a "trick." For a sense of safety and security, shelter, and, of course, food. Poodle Bitch would like to now show the author of the article, and the Duke researchers, exactly why it is that dogs are so good at figuring out the concept of "pointing":

The above is a photograph of what happens when Poodle Bitch attempts to cook for herself. This is the best she can do on her own; a microwaved banana. It took her all day. Humans, on the other hand, can make chicken, slice tomatoes, create soups and sauces, and truly lovely meals that she could not create on her own. Poodle Bitch has no opposable thumbs.

It is only the by the best good luck that she happens to love her humans so very much.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Poodle Bitch is Unhappy With the Shenanigans of the Massachusetts Legislature

Poodle Bitch typically attempts to avoid politics. The process is boorish, and tends to reward the worst of human nature (a nature that Poodle Bitch often finds befuddling, even at its best), and writing about the characters involved tends merely to encourage them.

That said, Poodle Bitch was irritated when she read about the Massachusetts legislature's raising of fees for dog registration.

State Republicans are howling mad over yet another tax hike being slipped through the Legislature that would slap an annual $3 state surcharge on municipal licensing fees canine owners pay for their pet pooches.

Sigh. Why must the author of the article insert the cutism "howling" into the paragraph? News of the extra $3 is quite bad enough, given the current state (so Poodle Bitch has heard) of the economy that is "changing lifestyles".

Unfortunately, one of the politicians that is "howling mad" is quoted, and his cutisms gave Poodle Bitch an eyeache:

“We’re trying to collar or neuter these onerous fees and counter the Democrats’ rabid obsession with increases,” said state Sen. Robert Hedlund (R-Weymouth).

First of all, some advice: Please settle upon one cutism per sentence. "Collar or neuter" sounds like you cannot makeup your mind about what you're trying to say, and you will lose the votes of those who are focused. And trust Poodle Bitch when she tells you that those two terms are most certainly not interchangeable. Second, and more important, if you are attempting to engage the sympathy of dog owners, do not joke about rabidity. As anyone who has seen the film "Old Yeller" will attest, rabidity is not funny.

But state Sen. Pat Jehlen (D-Somerville) argued the fee is necessary to fund a state spay-and-neutering plan meant to snip the state’s out-of-control problem with strays.

Poodle Bitch certainly appreciates spaying and neutering pets as a way of controlling the population of stray animals. But she wonders why it is that responsible pet owners should have to pay more for that, when they are already paying a fee.

Annual license fees range from $6 a year in Boston for neutered or spayed canines (and $17 for unfixed dogs) to a flat $20 in Plymouth.

Perhaps the state could find something to cut to make up the difference? Poodle Bitch notes that Massachusetts is facing a severe deficit for 2009. She wonders why responsible pet owners should be burdened by problems created by politicians?

[Laurence Pizer, Plymouth town clerk] added that the state surcharge would deter many residents from licensing their dogs - a practice that is already a tough sell.

Now Poodle Bitch is confused. Do some residents not license their dogs? How many do not? Is it against the law to not register dogs? Why isn't the law enforced as it stands? Perhaps if the fees were lowered, more people would register, and the state would bring in more money?

These are questions that could have been addressed, if the author of the article and the politicians involved had spent less time making dog-related cutisms.

Poodle Bitch notes that this is no way to celebrate National Dog Week.

Go Humans Go, Away

Poodle Bitch has a DVR, which means she does often catch televised commercials. Recently, however, she found herself flipping idly through the channels and witnessed a commercial for Quaker Oats.

The slogan is "Go Humans Go." Poodle Bitch believes that slogan is missing the word "Away." At least, as regards the company that created the ads.

Why are these people jumping on trampolines? Why are they jumping so high into the sky? Are these people unaware of the dangers of such an activity?

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), more than 89,000 trampoline-related injuries landed people in the emergency room in 2004. This number reflects an increase of about 150 percent from 1990.

Certainly Quaker Oats does not mean to encourage emergency room visits, when we are constantly being told of a health care crisis?

Of course Poodle Bitch is only half-serious about this. She would rather have children bouncing on trampolines than bothering her. But she wonders what the downright Sisyphusian activity of jumping up and then coming back down again has to do with "going"? These people, she wishes to point out, are not "going" anywhere. They are bouncing into the sky, only to come back down again. This hardly seems inspiring to her.

Another commercial is little better:

Of course the "jet pack" is allegorical, but is it meant also to be aspirational, as in "Get out there, humans, and create some jet packs!", or is it meant to be insulting, as in, "Humans, why haven't you created jet packs yet?"

And Poodle Bitch has not yet even addressed the slogan's vaguely feculent overtones. Yes, oats are known to help cure constipation, but do we really need to have such an obvious reminder?

Poodle Bitch wonders if those people using their jet packs to fly to the bathroom.

Then there is the fact that the ad specifically excludes non-humans. Poodle Bitch cares not even a little for eating oats- she much prefers tomato and chicken- but she happens to know that there are some non-human animals that eat oats. Mares, for instance, eat oats. Does, also, have been known to eat oats. And little lambs, not that it has anything to do with anything, eat ivy.

And Poodle Bitch has it on good authority that the mares and does are boycotting Quaker.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Human Beings Are Both Easily Entertained and Casually Cruel

Poodle Bitch discovered this video on yahoo's main page. Naturally, she is appalled.

The reader will note that the video, nearly a full minute in length, features an adorable French bulldog pup struggling to get to his feet. He rocks back and forth on a hard, cold tile floor, all the while being filmed by a cruel human who- rather than help him to his feet- is content to let the pup continue to rock as he films the entire humiliating experience.

Poodle Bitch wonders at the casual cruelty displayed in this video.

The person holding the camera is telling the pup, "You are merely an objet d'amusement. You may remain, as long as you entertain your humans." Poodle Bitch does not wish to seem melodramatic, but this video represents a subtle form of psychological torture. She shudders to think of what is in store for this pup, as he grows into full doghood.

And, even removing the cruelty angle, she wonders why it is that any human would find it entertaining to watch a dog, even an adorable pup dog, rock back and forth for a full minute.

Of course, Poodle Bitch is also at a loss to explain the popularity of LOLCats.

Poodle Bitch would also like to note the misleading title. "French Bulldog Rolls Over," it is called. However, at no point does the French bulldog (pup) "roll over." The French bulldog spends nearly a full minute struggling to roll over, while a venal human gleefully films it all, for the entertainment of humans made complicit in the cruelty it represents.

Shame on yahoo, for putting this horribleness on your main page.

Friday, September 18, 2009

RE: "Miracle Cat" Smoka: Poodle Bitch is Dubious

Smoka is an Ohio cat who supposedly survived for 26 days buried under rubble. That is according to the headline.

The last time Sandy LaPierre saw her cat, Smoka, was on Aug. 9 when a fire ripped through the apartment building where she lived in Franklin, Ohio.
LaPierre and the community are now stunned that Smoka has been found a whopping 26 days after the disaster. The lucky feline was discovered Sept. 4 when a crew came to clean up rubble at the site of three-story building and one of the workers spotted the cat's head under a pile of rubble.

Poodle Bitch is always surprised by what can stun humans. A cat playing in the debris of a damaged building?


And, why is 26 days considered a "whopping" number, Poodle Bitch would like to know. That is not even a full month. Even February has 28 days. That is plenty of time for a cat to scavenge. Poodle Bitch has heard of cats leaving home for months at a time, and returning only after their desire to catch their own food has waned.

"We was digging through it and we found that cat 16 feet underneath the debris pile, in the burnt ashes and wood," Clarence Witte, owner of Stark Wrecking Company tells PEOPLE Pets. "And we had already done run over the top of it a dozen times with the excavator — and that thing weighs about 40,000 pounds. I don’t know how that cat survived underneath all that stuff."

As for the above quote, Poodle Bitch hardly knows where to start. She will spare Mr. Witte the grammar lesson and instead focus on the content of his statement. He claims to have found the cat 16 feet beneath a debris pile, in ashes and wood- a debris pile that had been run over multiple times by "the excavator" (Poodle Bitch had to look that up on wikipedia- she had seen the machines before, but had always thought they were called "those construction devices") that weighs 40,000 pounds.

The implication is that, per the article's title,

Amazing Discovery! Smoka the Cat Survives 26 Days Buried Under Rubble

Poodle Bitch doesn't want to rain on anyone's burned-out building, but she would like to note that there is absolutely no proof whatosever that Smoka the cat was buried under rubble for 26 days.

There is instead the statement of one semi-literate man who found a cat playing in a debris pile.

Poodle Bitch is a bit perturbed by the scam this cat is attempting. No doubt Smoka saw that the apartment was on fire and, rather than help her human companion (as Poodle Bitch herself would have done), Smoka then ran out, leaving her human companion to the mercy of the terrifying flames as she herself went out (you'll pardon the expression, but Poodle Bitch cannot resist) tomcatting.

And she nearly had her story featured on the Today Show, Poodle Bitch has found.

On Wednesday, Sept. 9, a producer from the “Today Show” called Dennie Fitzgerald ... and invited him and Smoka, who survived 26 days buried under rubble from a Franklin fire, to appear on the show.

But a few hours later, the producer rescinded the offer, citing Friday’s eighth anniversary of 9/11.

Poodle Bitch notes that this article casually repeats the unproven allegation that the cat "survived 26 days buried under rubble." She would like to have more than just the word of the construction worker and the companion of the cat. Specifically, Poodle Bitch would like video footage of all 26 days in question.

Or, she would like to question Smoka herself. Poodle Bitch can tell when a cat is lying.

A cat is lying most of the time.

However, Poodle Bitch does consider it poor form to invite someone onto your program, and then rescind the offer only a few hours later. Most especially given the reason cited. She wonders if the "eighth anniversary of 9/11" snuck up on this producer.

She also wonders if perhaps the producer wasn't being dishonest about the reason for the cancellation. Is it possible that someone at the Today Show thought, "Wait- we have no proof that this cockamamie story is actually true! We can't have this cat on our show!"?

Somehow, Poodle Bitch is dubious.

The humans might be, but Poodle Bitch is not fooled by Smoka the cat.

Photo source.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Project Runway 6 Episode 5: Utterly Preposterous Spewing of Fiction

Tonight’s episode of Project Runway took Poodle Bitch back to her days as a Poodle Pup, living in that small apartment on beautiful Cahuenga Blvd. She did not care to go for walks in the evening, and so she was paper-trained. Tonight, the designers had to create garments using newspaper.

Poodle Bitch finds that a bit silly- the paper is for dog dirt, not for high fashion.

But before the designers were given their rather silly assignment, the poodle companion Irina, Poodle Bitch’s unabashed favorite, perfectly expressed Poodle Bitch’s sentiments regarding Althea’s questionably winning garment from last week. “I was in utter shock,” she said. (Poodle Bitch would like to tell Irina that she should not be shocked by anything the judges decide, given the fact that Mitchell lasted into the third episode.) “I’ll be the first one to congratulate anyone that wins, if I feel like it was well-earned. And that wasn’t.”

Is it any wonder that Poodle Bitch loves the poodle companion Irina?

Poodle Bitch could not agree more. Irina’s, Louise’s, and Epperson’s garments were all far superior.

Nicolas however is incurring Poodle Bitch’s ire by interviewing that Irina is “slowly creeping up [his] list” of unworthies, along with Johnny.

Nicolas: Poodle Bitch cannot remember a single garment you’ve designed. Your opinion is as irrelevant as you are.

Do you have a poodle, Nicolas? Then Poodle Bitch would like to respectfully suggest that you lick yourself.

The delightful Tim Gunn takes the designers to the Los Angeles Times, that coupon distribution pamphlet that Poodle Bitch remembers so fondly from her days in the Cahuenga apartment. He leads them to the printing press, where they are introduced to Booth Moore, LA Times Fashion critic. She tells the designers they will use actual newspaper pages in the creation of their garments.

Poodle Bitch supposes that, given the declining circulation numbers for printed newspapers, this is a rather desperate grab at sales.

Nicolas interviews that he is “speechless” at the prospect of using newspapers for fabric. Poodle Bitch would like to ask him why he could not have been “speechless” when he was expressing his pathetic opinion of her favorite designer Irina, and, she would further like to ask him what he expected from “Project Runway”?

These types of “challenges” are typical. If you’re rendered “speechless” before you’ve even begun creating your garment, then maybe you should sew your mouth shut regarding the other designers.

It is only too bad that no one bit Nicolas during the three minutes the designers were given to gather newspaper. Only Poodle Bitch’s favorite designer, Irina, remains calm and cool. “What are you guys doing?” she wonders. “You’re dressing a human, not an elephant.”

Poodle Bitch again finds herself in agreement, although she does wish that the designers had to create something for a poodle. Specifically, a Poodle Bitch.

Back at the Fashion Institute, Mr. Gunn gives the viewers a helpful history of paper clothing. Poodle Bitch was unaware that the first paper dress was created in 1968. She also didn’t realize that it caused, in Mr. Gunn’s inimitable phrasing, “quite a fervor.”

Althea says that working with paper is like “starting at the bottom.” Given Althea’s previous design efforts, Poodle Bitch would tend to agree with her.

Nicolas fears he will be going home. “I seriously have no idea what I’m doing,” he interviews. Again, Poodle Bitch agrees. He hasn’t had much in the way of ideas all season long.

Irina, true to her nature, is cool and collected. “I’m going to mix materials, and colors, and sort of really make it look like fabric,” she says, sensibly. “It doesn’t have to look like newspaper.”

The others could learn from her.

Shirin shellacks. This apparently causes the others consternation. She’s also quite loquacious and expressive, and if Poodle Bitch didn’t already back Irina, she would happily back this charming young woman.

Poodle Bitch very much likes the fun, whimsical and just-kooky-enough-to-be-charming-but-not-enough-to-be-annoying Shirin.

Giordana wants to create a political statement, but Poodle Bitch is happy to see Mr. Gunn provide her with his usual sensible and insightful encouragement. There is no need to be quite so glum, and quite so stern, despite her accent.

Mr. Gunn tells Althea he is “disappointed” in what she’s creating. Poodle Bitch wonders how he could be disappointed in someone who consistently creates sloppy and unmemorable garments.

Johnny’s “craft project gone awry” makes Mr. Gunn “woeful.” To Poodle Bitch, this is just further evidence that no one on television is more insightful, nor more clever, nor is blessed with a better vocabulary, than Mr. Gunn. She could listen to him expound on any topic, at any time.

Poodle Bitch would love to hear him tell her bedtime stories. She would not even crawl under the bed until he was finished.

“It looks like a bunch of kindergartners did it,” Mr. Gunn concludes. Johnny crumples his dress and starts over.

Mr. Gunn is such a gentleman that he does not even kick Nicolas in the shin when advising him. He tells him that he thinks Nicolas has a great trajectory going. Poodle Bitch would point out that trajectory means nothing if the ultimate destination is… whatever Nicolas is designing.

“The nineties… the millennium version of punk rock,” Nicolas says. Poodle Bitch is already bored with his design. “Punk rock”? Really?

Johnny apparently took Mr. Gunn’s advice so hard that he has given up and is doing crossword puzzles. An iron sputtered and ruined his garment, he claims. No one believes him. Poodle Bitch remembers that this is the same man who threatened to quit on the first episode.

Ironically, he interviews, “I don’t really care what the other designers think of me. I don’t give a damn. Get over it.” Poodle Bitch would give him the same advice. Stop doing crossword puzzles and “get over it.”

And how ridiculous is Althea? “I can’t tell if Irina’s is good or not,” she confides to Ra’mon. Poodle Bitch cares not for people who need to be told what to think. Should she like it? Should she not? Is it good? Ra’mon, what do you think?

Once again, Michael Kors is absent. This week, in his place is Tommy Hilfiger. Zoe Glassner from Marie Claire is filling in for Nina Garcia, and Eva Longoria Parker, who is an actress on a show that Poodle Bitch does not watch.

Ra’mon’s design is very good. Shirin’s is whimsical and fun. Christopher’s was impressive. And of course, Irina’s crinkle trenchcoat is fashionable, couture, and simple in a pleasing way. Once again, she is Poodle Bitch’s favorite. The rest were unimpressive.

Althea’s unmoving design is chosen as a favorite. The judges are blind- that is the only way that Poodle Bitch can explain their love of Althea’s work.

Happily, Irina’s coat is selected as a favorite. Finally, Irina takes her rightful place at the top. Tommy Hilfiger pays her the ultimate compliment when he tells her it is “the new alternative to fur- newspaper.”

Poodle Bitch says that should get Irina the win right there.

Johnny makes excuses for his pathetic dress, then says “I’m not making excuses.” Again, with the sputtering iron. “The other dress was hardcore… it was Dior.”

“It was a red mess,” Nicolas says. Poodle Bitch agrees with Nicolas, as much as it pains her to admit.

The judges say that Nicolas’s dress looks like an insect.

The judges love Christopher’s creative, sexy, glamorous dress. “If you squint, it looks like feathers,” says Eva Longoria etc. Poodle Bitch wonders why you would want to squint when looking at a nice dress.

Poodle Bitch is very happy that Irina’s “originality and risk-taking” (according to Ms. Heidi Klum herself) earned her a win. Finally, the judges have removed their blinders and seen for themselves what Poodle Bitch is happy to say she’s seen from the beginning—

That the poodle companion Irina is the designer to beat this season. She has the taste and refinement that only a poodle companion can possess. She has the skill to give life to that taste and refinement. She has the creativity to match the skill.

“I finally won; it’s past due, I feel like,” she interviews.

Poodle Bitch agrees, and congratulates her on her well-deserved win.

She says so long to Johnny and his sputtering iron. Poodle Bitch does not believe he wanted to be there, anyway.

But she must say that she is astonished to hear Mr. Gunn call Johnny out on his "sputtering iron."

"I am incredulous at that utterly preposterous spewing of fiction that Johnny did on the runway. It was ridiculous."

Poodle Bitch cannot imagine what it would be like to be called out in such a way by the elegant and gentlemanly Tim Gunn. But she must admit that Johnny deserved it.

Poodle Bitch believes that no one should lie in the presence of the honest gentleman Tim Gunn, a man of rare integrity.

Shirin picture source.
Irina picture source.
Tim Gunn picture source.

A Poem For Jessica Simpson's Dog, Daisy

Poodle Bitch has already discussed the terrible story of Jessica Simpson's ill-fated maltipoo, Daisy. She has little sympathy for Ms. Simpson.

However, she is filled with sadness over what has happened to Daisy. In fact, Poodle Bitch has been so moved as to compose a poem in honor of Daisy and her sad life.

Poor Daisy! Your life was doomed to be a wreck,
Nam'd for an embarrassing TV "Duke," a redneck,

Cursed by a companion of profound fatuity,
Carried off in the maw of a hungry coyote.

Our hearts quietly break for that wilting maltipoo,
A sad Daisy pluck'd, amidst tabloid hulabaloo.

For sympathy Jessica did tweet,
While you, poor bitch, became luncheon meat.

Poodle Bitch was unable to find photographs of Daisy that did not include her thoughtless companion, "actress" and "singer" Jessica Simpson. It is too bad that Daisy will be remembered in this way.

Pic source.

Poodle Bitch Hopes Jon Gosselin Can Find Some Support in What is a Trying Time for Him

Poodle Bitch is appalled by the behavior of reality television character Jon Gosselin. This is not new, but neither is it a regular occurrence; Poodle Bitch has too much on her plate (tomato slices) to worry overmuch about the shenanigans of reality television characters. However, in the past, Poodle Bitch's appalled feeling revolved around Mr. Gosselin's treatment of his human companions (wife, girlfriends, children). Now, Poodle Bitch is appalled by his treatment of the family's dogs:

Jon Gosselin is sending his two German Shepherd's back to the breeder as part of the fallout from his divorce from Kate.
Now, Shoka and Nala, the family dogs are being discarded and Jon has been telling pals it's Kate's fault because she won't take care of them when he's not at the house.

Ah, yes, of course it is Kate Gosselin's fault that two fabulously wealthy reality television characters cannot spare a few dollars a month to hire someone to feed and water their two German Shepherds when one or the other of them is away hosting The View or cavorting with Star magazine editors.

Poodle Bitch truly feels for Mr. Gosselin in what is certainly a trying time for him. If only he had two companions who would provide him with unconditional love and affection, no matter how boorishly he behaved.

Jon and discarded German shepherds picture source.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Poodle Bitch's Heart Does Not Go Out to Jessica Simpson

Poodle Bitch is sorry, but she cannot bring herself to muster anything but disdain for Jessica Simpson, who recently tweeted:

"A coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!"

Her "precious Daisy" is a maltipoo bitch. This is a breed that combines the poodle with the maltese. Poodle Bitch is of course a poodle herself, and so she can tell you that poodles are intelligent- certainly more intelligent than the notoriously unintelligent Ms. Simpson- and have refined manners. Poodle Bitch has already written about malteses, when she took on the case of Aubrey O'Day's hapless dog Ginger.

Poodle Bitch understands the trauma that can be experienced by actual animal lovers when their "precious" companions lose their lives. However, Poodle Bitch does not consider someone who would put a maltipoo in harm's way to be an actual animal lover.

Her suspicion is aroused by the fact that Ms. Simpson went straight to twitter to air her "HORROR" during the search. Poodle Bitch wonders about Ms. Simpson's thought process. "I had better tweet this- perhaps a coyote will read about it and respond with some information."

Poodle Bitch was not alone in wondering this:

After a coyote snatched Jessica Simpson's 5-year-old pooch, Daisy, she posted a note on Twitter offering a reward -- baffling celebrity dog trainer Jennifer McCarthy.

"If she witnesses a coyote taking the dog...obviously coyotes don't Twitter!" McCarthy -- who has trained Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera's pups -- tells "So that would be essentially not very effective in this case."

Poodle Bitch loves the charming naivete displayed by the "celebrity dog trainer." (By the way, Poodle Bitch wonders if she is a celebrity dog trainer, or a celebrity dog trainer?) The tweet would be very effective for a woman who seems to spend most of her career eliciting sympathy. And the other half being stupid.

Of course Poodle Bitch has no way of knowing the exact circumstances of the abduction (which, Poodle Bitch is reluctant to add, has probably already come to a dire conclusion), but she can know that it is easy for humans to keep their "precious" companion animals away from the "HORROR" of coyote attacks by staying away from areas in which coyotes live.

Most especially when your companion is an adorable little maltipoo. Indeed, it is for poor little Daisy that Poodle Bitch has the sympathy. She cannot imagine the terror that poor little creature must have felt. Anything would be better than being carried off by a coyote, including having Jessica Simpson for a companion.

Although, apparently, having Jessica Simpson for a companion means you're likely to be carried off by a coyote.

Jessica Simpson in "happier" times, with poor ill-fated Daisy. Poodle Bitch notes that Ms. Simpson appears to be carrying a cell phone of some kind in that same hand in which she holds her "precious" maltipoo. Hopefully she used it to call 911 before she started using it to tweet how sad she was over the loss of her companion.

Photo source.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Project Runway 6 Episode 4 Ticket to the Future

Poodle Bitch had to wait a full five days before she could bring herself to watch the most recent episode of Project Runway. She was filled with uncharacteristic resentment over the elimination of the questionable Mitchell. No, Poodle Bitch was not upset that he was finally eliminated. She was upset that he was not eliminated in the first episode.

She was upset that he was cast on the show at all. Her heart goes out to the dozens of talented designers out there who sent in audition tapes and never heard back from the producers, in favor of a man with little imagination whose sewing skills are worse than Poodle Bitch’s.

And Poodle Bitch lacks opposable thumbs.

This week, Heidi cryptically tells the designers that Mr. Gunn is awaiting them in the workroom with thirteen people who need to be made “very happy.” Nicolas muses that the thirteen people they’ll be designing for could be anyone, from homeless people to—Eskimos.

Poodle Bitch was unaware that people still used that particular word to describe Inuits. Perhaps she should look that up.

But the “Eskimos” turn out to be the designers’ models. They’ve been invited to “an industry event,” as Mr. Gunn says, and then adds, “And what they wear could very well be their ticket to the future.”

At this mentioning of “the future,” Poodle Bitch cannot help but cast her mind back to the gone but not forgotten handstand woman, who in the first episode designed a look for someone attending both the MTV awards and the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony circa 2080.

For this foresight, handstand woman was eliminated. The unfortunate Mitchell remained. And now, here is her perfect challenge.

Then Mr. Gunn informs them that the producers are taking this “ticket to the future” challenge so seriously that the designers will have only one day to complete it, and a budget of $100. They’ll also be given 30 minutes to “caucus” with their clients.

Poodle companion Irina’s model is, as Irina puts it “apprehensive, just because she’s not sure exactly what she wants.” In that case, Poodle Bitch believes that the model is in just the right hands. Irina’s taste is refined and dignified, just as one would expect from a poodle companion.

“She’s very indecisive, so I’ll have to coach her into feeling comfortable with it.”

There is no other designer Poodle Bitch would rather have coaching her into feeling comfortable with anything.

With the other models and designers relationships, Poodle Bitch notices a pattern: The models have questionable desires as clients, and the designers don’t want to create anything that would make them uncomfortable and face elimination.

Althea is going to make her model look like Greta Garbo, complete with a “cigarette jacket.”

“Flowy. Strong. Punk. Cocktail. Tiger” is what Epperson’s model wanted. His design gets some encouraging words from Mr. Gunn, and Poodle Bitch has to say she’s impressed by what he’s doing, based on the seemingly random series of words that his model gave him for inspiration.

Qrystil’s design looks “messy.” Mr. Gunn then says, “It just looks like she’s been rolling around in bed.” Poodle Bitch could not have said it better herself.

Logan doesn’t want his Smurf Prom Dress design to look like a smurf prom dress. “Don’t use that word again!” Mr. Gunn declares. “Don’t put it in anybody’s head!”

What he’s not telling you is that poor Mr. Tim Gunn was traumatized by smurfs as a child.

Mr. Gunn wonders if Carol Hannah’s design isn’t robbing her model of her youth. Considering that Carol Hannah is the one who claims to design clothing for woodland sprites, this might be a literal concern. Could she actually cast a spell of enchantment, Poodle Bitch wonders. Could Carol Hannah be evil woodland sprite designer?

Poodle Bitch is deeply touched to witness Epperson speaking on the phone with his wife and children. But not nearly so touched as Epperson seems to be, as returns to his sewing teary eyed and trembling with emotion.

The judging panel this week consisted of Heidi and three other people Poodle Bitch had never heard of. Where, she wonders, is Michael Kors?

Again, Poodle Bitch’s favorite is the design of poodle companion Irina. Everyone else’s, to Poodle Bitch’s eye, looks half-hearted.

Except, Louise and Ra’mon. Poodle Bitch must admit that these two have also crafted worthy garments.

She notes that none of her choices made the judges’ top. Woodland sprite woman did, which tells you something about the judges. Epperson’s elegant punk tiger dress was also a top judges’ choice. Althea’s silly suit was another top choice.

Poodle Bitch must say she is mystified. She would wear none of these clothes.

Logan’s Smurf Prom Dress came across to the judges as a prom dress. Johnny’s flirty purple is described by Heidi as “bridesmaid.” Another judge calls it “wearable.” A third complains that it’s “too accessible.” Qrystil’s frumpy black dress aged her model ten years. “That’s like dog years,” Heidi says. Poodle Bitch is unsure if that is meant to be an insult.

Althea’s silliness was declared the winner. This is not as big a travesty as Mitchell’s not being eliminated in the first round; nevertheless, Poodle Bitch hardly feels confident in the judges.

Qrystil is out. Poodle Bitch couldn’t be happier, as she never really learned how to spell her name.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Poodle Bitch Wonders Why Kanye West Doesn't Start His Own Awards Show

Poodle Bitch spends little time following the antics of Kanye West, who is apparently a genius, at least in his own humble estimation. And who is Poodle Bitch to judge that? She likes to think of herself as a dog of refined taste and exceeding cleverness, and an odor like what sunshine would smell like, if sunshine had a smell.

Nevertheless, she was unable to ignore his recent boorishness at an event called "The Empty V Music Awards," or perhaps it is called "The MTV Music Awards," she is unsure and cares little. For the most part, it involves people about which Poodle Bitch knows hardly anything at all, presenting one another with awards for achievements that Poodle Bitch believes should cause shame and embarrassment, not pride.

To that end, Kanye West was so filled with indignation by what he perceived to be a gross miscarriage of justice, that he was unable to keep his seat. Storming the stage, he commandeered a microphone and had to offer his opinion about...

...Taylor Swift's Best Female Video award.

The rapper stormed the stage just after the first award, for Best Female Video, was presented to Taylor Swift. He cut the teen singer off, grabbing the mic and protesting in support of Beyoncé.

"I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time," he proclaimed as B looked on from the crowd, stunned.

Poodle Bitch was unaware that the crowd at an Empty V awards show could be "stunned." She has to say she's a bit disappointed.

She's also unaware that Kanye West, a rapper, spent his free time not composing danceable music, but creating lists of the greatest videos of all time. Poodle Bitch would love to see this list- she's curious where he would place Poodle Bitch's own all time favorite video, "Come Dancing" by the Kinks. That video actually makes Poodle Bitch tear up, when she's feeling particularly sentimental.

And then there's "Private Dancer," by Tina Turner. Another deeply moving song.

Moreover, where does Peter Gabriel's classic and innovative "Sledgehammer" video fall on Mr. West's list?

Perhaps the most important question is, Where would Mr. West place his own videos on this list of his? Does he think that Ms. Beyoncé's paean to marital commitment is greater than his own "Touch the Sky?"

Poodle Bitch's point is that it seems a bit premature to declare a video that is only about a year old to be one of the greatest of all time. Perhaps it is time for Mr. West to start his own awards show. Those awards he does not win himself- probably awards for women- could be given to Beyoncé. Poodle Bitch's first suggestion for a category: "Best Female Music Video that is not by Taylor Swift."

Kanye West making his point, at Taylor Swift's expense. She was rude to win the award in the first place.

UPDATE 9/15/09 @ 1:45 PM PST: Poodle Bitch has just discovered this item at TMZ, in which President Barack Obama is heard to use indelicate language to describe Mr. West, regarding his actions toward Ms. Swift. Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps the president could have used more elevated language to express his opinion, such as she herself is known to use?

pic source.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Poodle Bitch is Disturbed by the Dog-Dyeing Antics of Some Human Called Aubrey O'Day

Poodle Bitch does try to keep up with the latest trends. She believes it helps to keep her young. Nevertheless, she has only heard of the human called Aubrey O'Day from gossip websites. Apparently, this human is a singer who used to be part of a group called Danity Kane. Poodle Bitch had to look them up- according to wikipedia, they were "[f]ormed on the third installment of MTV's Making the Band reality television series."

So, Poodle Bitch notes, Aubrey O'Day is a reality television star, like Jon and Kate Gosselin, Megan Hauserman, and Johnny Fairplay. Just so Poodle Bitch is clear on the point.

Regarding Ms. O'Day, Poodle Bitch has just seen an article in Us online in which she defends dyeing her dog.

The former Danity Kane singer, 25, has been criticized on some websites for constantly dyeing her 1-year-old teacup Maltese Ginger.

"She likes to have looks," O'Day tells "It actually seems like such a taboo weird thing nowadays, but if you research online, you will see a whole underworld of dogs who are dyed."

Poodle Bitch wonders how often it is that humans cite the underworld as part of their justification for doing anything. She also wonders about a pupdog's ability to make judgments for herself regarding the use of dyes in her fur. Poodle Bitch does not know many Maltese dogs, so she found some information online.

The coat is single, with no undercoat, and should not be wavy, curly or kinky. It should be made of shiny, thick, heavy hair which is about 8½ inches (22cm.) long. The color is pure white, although light ivory is acceptable.
Prone to sunburn along the hair parting; skin, respiratory, eye and tooth problems, and slipped stifle. Some may be difficult to feed with weak, upset digestion. They may get the chills, and they experience discomfort in hot weather. Maltese should be kept out of damp areas. It is a good idea to paper-train this breed - to avoid going out in weather extremes.

Poodle Bitch is dubious that a member of a dog breed with a single coat whose skin is prone to sunburn should have her hair dyed. So, why would a Maltese want to color her hair?

The Maltese is spirited, lively and playful. Gentle, loving, trusting and devoted to its master.

Poodle Bitch often finds herself wondering about all of these dogs that are so trusting and devoted to their "master." That tends to lead to dangerous situations. If only a vet were around to properly guide Ms. O'Day!

O'Day — who is working on a natural dog dye — tells Us she makes sure her vet approves any of the dyes she uses.

Poodle Bitch wonders if "her vet" who offers approval of the dyes she uses is working on this "natural dog dye" along with Ms. O'Day, and therefore stands to potentially make a lot of money from Danity Kane wannabes? (Isn't it funny how Maltese-like humans can be? Simply saying there's a vet involved absolves all responsibility, and silences all questions- at least for

She changes her dog's appearance "for different occasions," she says. She recently dyed her dog green because, O'Day says, she "loves the [Boston] Celtics."

Poodle Bitch cannot tell if it is Ms. O'Day, or poor little Ginger who is such a fan of the Celtics, but she has yet to meet any dogs who have any interest in professional human sporting events. This seems like excuse-mongering to her. But the most disturbing parts of the story are:

She says she normally dyes Ginger while she's asleep because it's "hassle-free; she doesn’t even know [it's happening]."

"I do it like anyone would color hair," O'Day says. "She sits on my lap, and I have a brush, and I paint it on and use foils."

Poodle Bitch has seen humans get their hair colored. She has seen the use of foils. She has seen the paint. There is no way any dog, no matter how eager she is to please, will sleep through that without some kind of medicinal help. Poodle Bitch wonders if the same vet who approves of this behavior is providing Ms. O'Day with a tranquilizer for poor little Ginger, so that she can put her dog- to sleep- so that she can dye her, and therefore promote this fantastic dog dyeing system they're creating?

Poodle Bitch would like to explain to Ms. O'Day that dogs are not merely accessories, objects for the amusement of their "owners." She would suggest to Ms. O'Day that she get a purse. You won't have to wait until that is "asleep" before you dye it.

Former Danity Kane singer Aubrey O'Day and her accessory, Ginger.

Pic source.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Poodle Bitch is Unimpressed with the Dog Who Sneezes on Command

Poodle Bitch was on yahoo's main page this morning, and came upon a link about a dog that can sneeze on command. Naturally, she had to click through and take a look at this fascinating canine achievement. Here is what she saw:

Are you impressed by that? If you were not, then why not?

Is it because the dog does not, as promised by the video's title, "Sneeze on Command 3 Times in a Row!"? Poodle Bitch counted a mere two sneezes.

Is it because the dog Harry appears to be responding with barks before the sneezes? Poodle Bitch suspects that Harry can tell, based on his companion's tone of voice and body language (language to which, Poodle Bitch notes with some suspicion [see below], the viewer is not made privy), that she wants him to do something. But what that something is, he seems not to know. And why should he even suspect that it is a sneeze she is going for? Only a human would find that in any way interesting.

(Poodle Bitch wonders how many humans realize that sneezing is, for some dogs, the "default cute" action in the dog's attention-grabbing arsenal?)

Is it because the viewer cannot see the dog's companion, and cannot see the allergen that she is holding in her hand?

Poodle Bitch wishes Harry the dog and his companion the best of luck in all future endeavors.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Project Runway 6 Episode 3: Poodle Bitch is Relieved

On last week’s episode of “Models of the Runway,” Mitchell, the luckiest contestant in “Project Runway” history (Poodle Bitch has a dog's memory), assured the models that landing in the bottom two in each of the first two episodes had taught him a lesson. Poodle Bitch was dubious. It was not just the smirk on Mitchell’s face- it was the wavering, simpering tone of voice used. If Mitchell told Poodle Bitch that tomatoes were delicious, she would not believe him.

Later in the third episode, Poodle Bitch would be proven right to be dubious. She would be proven right many times. The setting for the first proof would be the beach, as the designers are taken to Santa Monica where they are treated to two wonderful sights. The ocean, and Tim Gunn in flip flops.

Christopher says he’s never seen the ocean before. Ordinarily that would elicit a rowr from Poodle Bitch, but Tim Gunn is wearing flip flops.

This man wore flip flops in this episode. If he shows up in crocs next week, Poodle Bitch will bite her television.

Poodle Bitch is so distracted by this sight that she has completely forgotten how perturbed she is that Mitchell is still infecting the competition. Alas, Mitchell is selected as a team leader for this challenge when the flip flopped Tim Gunn draws his name from a hat.

The challenge, by the way, that Poodle Bitch was barely able to hear over the din of Tim Gunn is wearing flip flops that kept repeating in her head, was for the designers to create a “fun and fashionable surfwear look.” It must be totally infused with the designer’s points of view as designers.

These surfwear looks that will be infused with their points of view (Poodle Bitch wonders if everything these designers create shouldn’t be “infused with their points of view”) will be created by teams of twos. Last week’s winner Shirin get to choose first, and Tim draws names to determine team leaders.

Shirin foolishly and inscrutably picks Carol the woodland sprite woman. Why the woodland sprite woman would be chosen over Poodle Bitch’s favorite designer, the poodle companion Irina, is beyond Poodle Bitch’s ability to reason out.

Logan picks Christopher. Again, Poodle Bitch is left to wonder. Irina is Poodle Bitch’s favorite. This must be a “bros before talented designers” choice.

Nicholas picks Giordana. Nicholas clearly wanted to work with someone who has a thicker accent than his, Poodle Bitch observers with some irritation over the fact that Irina still has not been chosen.

Mitchell picks Ra’mon. In his interview, he offers evidence that he has not “learned his lesson,” as he lied to the models: “I wanted to work with someone who would carry me on this challenge.” This after last week he just wanted to get by.

Did Ra'mon think this was a good look? Do designers often dress like it's still the 1980s, Poodle Bitch wonders.

Again Poodle Bitch wonders why the handstand woman and the Androgynous Egg had to go so early, so that Mitchell, who doesn’t seem to even want to win, keeps getting a pass.

At least he did not choose to burden Irina by working with her.

Althea picks Louise, since she was “in the top three last time.” She also happens to be a good designer and sewer, as Poodle Bitch would point out. But she is no Irina.

Qristyl chooses Epperson. Not Irina.

Johnny chooses Irina. Irina is the only one left. Poodle Bitch’s favorite is selected last. This brings back painful memories for Poodle Bitch. No- she was never chosen last for anything, but she always felt bad for those who were.

At mood, Mitchell is worried, because Ra’mon is choosing material that he considers “ugly.” Poodle Bitch believes this is sound policy for choosing material. Whatever Mitchell thinks is ugly should be purchased.

Epperson and Qristyl give each other headaches, literally. Epperson complains that he needs a Tylenol, and Qristyl tells him she’s already taken one. Poodle Bitch can see that Epperson and Qristyl are headed for trouble, and will likely play a large role in the end of the episode.

Surely, Poodle Bitch wonders, It won’t be Epperson and Qristyl in the bottom two? Will Mitchell pass into the next round?

Three hours before the end of the day, Tim tells the teams they have to create an “avante garde” design to correspond to their present looks. This is a message from Heidi and the judges- Tim would never pull this type of dirty trick.

Qristyl is insulted that Epperson is taking over their team. Apparently, Qristyl doesn’t pay attention to her own designs, because she needs Epperson to take over their team. Poodle Bitch would like to remind Qrystil that it was only by luck of the draw that she ended up as a team captain. She would also like to inform Qristyl that having an unusually designed name makes her a good designer. All it does is make Poodle Bitch irritated about having to type it.

Mitchell moans that he has a lot of good ideas, but he doesn’t have the skills to execute them. Poodle Bitch thinks that he is half right- he has a lot of bad ideas, but doesn’t have the skills to execute them.

Ra’mon moans that Mitchell isn’t even trying to win. A lack of focus? Inability to sew? Yes to both. When Nicholas jokes that he can’t wait to see Mitchell go, Mitchell is so lacking in seriousness that he laughs along with him. Poodle Bitch points to this as yet another sign that he has not learned his lesson, despite the lie he told the models.

Tim says that Mitchell’s and Ra’mon’s designs look like a superhero and a Greek goddess. Ra’mon scraps his wetsuit-inspired jumpsuit, and comes up with something totally different, using material that looks to Poodle Bitch like something from which one might fashion a chew toy. Poodle Bitch approves of this.

Ra’mon is working on both pieces, and “trying to keep Mitchell focused.” This is unfair, as he complains, and he’s right.

Tim tells him to resurrect the scuba suit. 35 minutes before the runway show, Ra’mon is still dying chew toy fabric for his “avant garde” look.

Qrystil interviews that she will throw Epperson under the bus. She will tell the judges that she had everything worked over by Epperson. Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that Qristyl thinks this is a sound strategy. To admit that you, as the team leader, were walked on by your partner is Mitchell strategy.

Guest judges Max Azria and Rachel Bilson. Poodle Bitch has little so say about this, except to point out that Max Azria designs clothing with Miley Cyrus, and Rachel Bilson wears clothing like this:

Poodle Bitch actually does not hate this look. Rachel Bilson is significantly more stylish than the guest judge of the first episode, Lindsay Lohan.

Poodle Bitch doesn’t appreciate Johnny’s influence over her favorite Irina. Nonetheless, their designs are Poodle Bitch’s favorite.

Ra’mon is in shock that his and Mitchell’s team is in the top two with Poodle Bitch’s beloved Irina and her negative influence Johnny. Poodle Bitch thinks it is safe to say that most viewers share that feeling.

Mitchell admits on the runway that Ra’mon did pretty much everything. Clearly, he has given up. Poodle Bitch feels almost sorry for him, except that he took a spot on the show that might have been taken by someone with real talent and drive, who would have made the most of the opportunity. Poodle Bitch therefore feels more resentment than pity.

Heidi is shocked. Poodle Bitch wonders where Heidi has been the last two weeks.

Heidi complains she doesn’t know how to judge Mitchell, if he’s not doing his own sewing. Heidi- Poodle Bitch again wonders why did you keep him around?

Ra’mon is declared the winner of the challenge. His designs are in no way superior to Irina’s and Johnny’s, but he gets the pity vote for having to carry the challenged Mitchell. The bottom two are Mitchell (surprise!) and Qristyl. Mitchell is finally eliminated. He shouldn’t have lasted this long, but Poodle Bitch has to admit that she would not have minded seeing Qristyl go as well. Poodle Bitch does not like her name.

Max Azria mumbles something about Mitchell being a “nice guy.”

But Poodle Bitch begs to differ with that assessment. Mitchell is a venal jerk and socially stunted. She is glad to see him finally leave. Project Runway has restored some of its credibility.

Her name is Qristyl Frazier. Poodle Bitch will try to spell it correctly from now on.

Ra'mon Lawrence Coleman pic source.
Rachel Bilson pic source.
Qrystyil Frazier pic source.
Tim Gunn pic source.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Poodle Bitch is Hungry

Humans sometimes mystify Poodle Bitch.

In perusing the New York Times today, she came upon this article, on New York City's "struggle" against sugary drinks.

New York State has shelved the idea of a tax on sugary sodas and juice drinks. But New York City’s public health officials opened a new front in their struggle against high-calorie beverages on Monday, unveiling an ad campaign that depicts globs of human fat gushing from a soda bottle.

Poodle Bitch has little interest in "high-calorie" beverages (she drinks water exclusively), but she must admit she's intrigued by the "globs of human fat."

She watches enough Food Network to know that fat is flavor. If Poodle Bitch were a NYC dog, and rode the subways every day with a photo of delicious fat staring her in the face, she might not be able to resist the urge to take a bite of the human seated beside her.

Fat is flavor.

Of course, Poodle Bitch wonders just how much this cheerful reminder that food has calories cost the taxpayers of New York?

The ad — which cost about $277,000 to develop over three fiscal years, including money for creative work and focus groups — will run in 1,500 subway cars for three months. (The $90,000 cost of the subway advertisement comes through a private donor, the Fund for Public Health in New York.)

Once again, Poodle Bitch is happy she does not live in the hustling, bustling New York City. $277,000, especially in this particular economic climate, seems a bit excessive to her, even if it did go toward the creation of a mouth-watering fat image. But, at least the taxpayers aren't paying for the cost of advertising on subways- that $90,000 is coming from some "private donor."

Cigarettes have been shown to cause cancer. People still smoke. Lots of people still smoke. Because they like it. Poodle Bitch doesn't understand why it is that some group believes that showing people a mouth-watering image of flavorful fat is somehow supposed to convince people to give up something they enjoy, when you cannot even convince people to give up smoking to prevent cancer.

She also wonders why those residents who do not drink "high calorie" drinks must be subjected to an image they might find distasteful each time they ride the subway.

Poodle Bitch's Thoughts are With the Family of the Former "World's Oldest Dog"

Poodle Bitch has had her problems with "The World's Oldest Dog," Chanel (actually, Poodle Bitch's problems were not with Chanel herself, but with the hype surrounding the suspicious claim that she was "the world's oldest dog"), but she was nevertheless saddened by the news that the very old dog has passed away.

A wire-haired dachshund that held the record as the world's oldest dog and celebrated its last birthday with a party at a dog hotel and spa has died at age 21 — or 147 in dog years.

Poodle Bitch wonders why Chanel, a dachshund bitch, should be referred to with the pronoun "its" by the author of the article. Isn't it enough that she has died- must she now be referred to as if she were nothing more than a piece of matter?

Poodle Bitch hopes that the casual callousness of the authors does not in any way damage the memories that the dachshund bitch's human companions shared, such as:

Along with her owner, Chanel spent nine years on assignment in Germany, where she became adept at stealing sticks of butter from kitchen countertops and hiding them in sofa cushions in the living room, Shaughnessy said. She also liked chocolate, usually considered toxic to dogs, Shaughnessy said.

"She once ate an entire bag of Reese's peanut butter cups, and, you see, she lived to be 21, so go figure," Shaughnessy added.

Poodle Bitch would like to make two observations regarding the passage quoted above. The first is that Poodle Bitch hopes that she will treated to more bags of Reese's peanut butter cups in the future. Just to try them out. Okay, one or two can't hurt, right? They were good enough for "the world's oldest dog," at least on one occasion.

Of course, Poodle Bitch once saw a labrador bitch ingest an entire packet of cigarettes. To her knowledge, the labrador only did this once, and suffered no ill-effects.

"Go figure."

The second observation is that the author, not content to refer to Chanel as an "it," has compounded the insensitivity by referring to her human companion as "her owner."

The dog has passed away- let her rest in peace.