Poodle Bitch had to wait a full five days before she could bring herself to watch the most recent episode of Project Runway. She was filled with uncharacteristic resentment over the elimination of the questionable Mitchell. No, Poodle Bitch was not upset that he was finally eliminated. She was upset that he was not eliminated in the first episode.
She was upset that he was cast on the show at all. Her heart goes out to the dozens of talented designers out there who sent in audition tapes and never heard back from the producers, in favor of a man with little imagination whose sewing skills are worse than Poodle Bitch’s.
And Poodle Bitch lacks opposable thumbs.
This week, Heidi cryptically tells the designers that Mr. Gunn is awaiting them in the workroom with thirteen people who need to be made “very happy.” Nicolas muses that the thirteen people they’ll be designing for could be anyone, from homeless people to—Eskimos.
Poodle Bitch was unaware that people still used that particular word to describe Inuits. Perhaps she should look that up.
But the “Eskimos” turn out to be the designers’ models. They’ve been invited to “an industry event,” as Mr. Gunn says, and then adds, “And what they wear could very well be their ticket to the future.”
At this mentioning of “the future,” Poodle Bitch cannot help but cast her mind back to the gone but not forgotten handstand woman, who in the first episode designed a look for someone attending both the MTV awards and the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony circa 2080.
For this foresight, handstand woman was eliminated. The unfortunate Mitchell remained. And now, here is her perfect challenge.
Then Mr. Gunn informs them that the producers are taking this “ticket to the future” challenge so seriously that the designers will have only one day to complete it, and a budget of $100. They’ll also be given 30 minutes to “caucus” with their clients.
Poodle companion Irina’s model is, as Irina puts it “apprehensive, just because she’s not sure exactly what she wants.” In that case, Poodle Bitch believes that the model is in just the right hands. Irina’s taste is refined and dignified, just as one would expect from a poodle companion.
“She’s very indecisive, so I’ll have to coach her into feeling comfortable with it.”
There is no other designer Poodle Bitch would rather have coaching her into feeling comfortable with anything.
With the other models and designers relationships, Poodle Bitch notices a pattern: The models have questionable desires as clients, and the designers don’t want to create anything that would make them uncomfortable and face elimination.
Althea is going to make her model look like Greta Garbo, complete with a “cigarette jacket.”
“Flowy. Strong. Punk. Cocktail. Tiger” is what Epperson’s model wanted. His design gets some encouraging words from Mr. Gunn, and Poodle Bitch has to say she’s impressed by what he’s doing, based on the seemingly random series of words that his model gave him for inspiration.
Qrystil’s design looks “messy.” Mr. Gunn then says, “It just looks like she’s been rolling around in bed.” Poodle Bitch could not have said it better herself.
Logan doesn’t want his Smurf Prom Dress design to look like a smurf prom dress. “Don’t use that word again!” Mr. Gunn declares. “Don’t put it in anybody’s head!”
What he’s not telling you is that poor Mr. Tim Gunn was traumatized by smurfs as a child.
Mr. Gunn wonders if Carol Hannah’s design isn’t robbing her model of her youth. Considering that Carol Hannah is the one who claims to design clothing for woodland sprites, this might be a literal concern. Could she actually cast a spell of enchantment, Poodle Bitch wonders. Could Carol Hannah be evil woodland sprite designer?
Poodle Bitch is deeply touched to witness Epperson speaking on the phone with his wife and children. But not nearly so touched as Epperson seems to be, as returns to his sewing teary eyed and trembling with emotion.
The judging panel this week consisted of Heidi and three other people Poodle Bitch had never heard of. Where, she wonders, is Michael Kors?
Again, Poodle Bitch’s favorite is the design of poodle companion Irina. Everyone else’s, to Poodle Bitch’s eye, looks half-hearted.
Except, Louise and Ra’mon. Poodle Bitch must admit that these two have also crafted worthy garments.
She notes that none of her choices made the judges’ top. Woodland sprite woman did, which tells you something about the judges. Epperson’s elegant punk tiger dress was also a top judges’ choice. Althea’s silly suit was another top choice.
Poodle Bitch must say she is mystified. She would wear none of these clothes.
Logan’s Smurf Prom Dress came across to the judges as a prom dress. Johnny’s flirty purple is described by Heidi as “bridesmaid.” Another judge calls it “wearable.” A third complains that it’s “too accessible.” Qrystil’s frumpy black dress aged her model ten years. “That’s like dog years,” Heidi says. Poodle Bitch is unsure if that is meant to be an insult.
Althea’s silliness was declared the winner. This is not as big a travesty as Mitchell’s not being eliminated in the first round; nevertheless, Poodle Bitch hardly feels confident in the judges.
Qrystil is out. Poodle Bitch couldn’t be happier, as she never really learned how to spell her name.
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