Go Humans Go, Away

Poodle Bitch has a DVR, which means she does often catch televised commercials. Recently, however, she found herself flipping idly through the channels and witnessed a commercial for Quaker Oats.



The slogan is "Go Humans Go." Poodle Bitch believes that slogan is missing the word "Away." At least, as regards the company that created the ads.

Why are these people jumping on trampolines? Why are they jumping so high into the sky? Are these people unaware of the dangers of such an activity?

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), more than 89,000 trampoline-related injuries landed people in the emergency room in 2004. This number reflects an increase of about 150 percent from 1990.

Certainly Quaker Oats does not mean to encourage emergency room visits, when we are constantly being told of a health care crisis?

Of course Poodle Bitch is only half-serious about this. She would rather have children bouncing on trampolines than bothering her. But she wonders what the downright Sisyphusian activity of jumping up and then coming back down again has to do with "going"? These people, she wishes to point out, are not "going" anywhere. They are bouncing into the sky, only to come back down again. This hardly seems inspiring to her.

Another commercial is little better:



Of course the "jet pack" is allegorical, but is it meant also to be aspirational, as in "Get out there, humans, and create some jet packs!", or is it meant to be insulting, as in, "Humans, why haven't you created jet packs yet?"

And Poodle Bitch has not yet even addressed the slogan's vaguely feculent overtones. Yes, oats are known to help cure constipation, but do we really need to have such an obvious reminder?

Poodle Bitch wonders if those people using their jet packs to fly to the bathroom.

Then there is the fact that the ad specifically excludes non-humans. Poodle Bitch cares not even a little for eating oats- she much prefers tomato and chicken- but she happens to know that there are some non-human animals that eat oats. Mares, for instance, eat oats. Does, also, have been known to eat oats. And little lambs, not that it has anything to do with anything, eat ivy.

And Poodle Bitch has it on good authority that the mares and does are boycotting Quaker.