Go Humans Go, Away

Poodle Bitch has a DVR, which means she does often catch televised commercials. Recently, however, she found herself flipping idly through the channels and witnessed a commercial for Quaker Oats.



The slogan is "Go Humans Go." Poodle Bitch believes that slogan is missing the word "Away." At least, as regards the company that created the ads.

Why are these people jumping on trampolines? Why are they jumping so high into the sky? Are these people unaware of the dangers of such an activity?

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), more than 89,000 trampoline-related injuries landed people in the emergency room in 2004. This number reflects an increase of about 150 percent from 1990.

Certainly Quaker Oats does not mean to encourage emergency room visits, when we are constantly being told of a health care crisis?

Of course Poodle Bitch is only half-serious about this. She would rather have children bouncing on trampolines than bothering her. But she wonders what the downright Sisyphusian activity of jumping up and then coming back down again has to do with "going"? These people, she wishes to point out, are not "going" anywhere. They are bouncing into the sky, only to come back down again. This hardly seems inspiring to her.

Another commercial is little better:



Of course the "jet pack" is allegorical, but is it meant also to be aspirational, as in "Get out there, humans, and create some jet packs!", or is it meant to be insulting, as in, "Humans, why haven't you created jet packs yet?"

And Poodle Bitch has not yet even addressed the slogan's vaguely feculent overtones. Yes, oats are known to help cure constipation, but do we really need to have such an obvious reminder?

Poodle Bitch wonders if those people using their jet packs to fly to the bathroom.

Then there is the fact that the ad specifically excludes non-humans. Poodle Bitch cares not even a little for eating oats- she much prefers tomato and chicken- but she happens to know that there are some non-human animals that eat oats. Mares, for instance, eat oats. Does, also, have been known to eat oats. And little lambs, not that it has anything to do with anything, eat ivy.

And Poodle Bitch has it on good authority that the mares and does are boycotting Quaker.

Human Beings Are Both Easily Entertained and Casually Cruel

Poodle Bitch discovered this video on yahoo's main page. Naturally, she is appalled.

French Bulldog Rolls Over @ Yahoo! Video

The reader will note that the video, nearly a full minute in length, features an adorable French bulldog pup struggling to get to his feet. He rocks back and forth on a hard, cold tile floor, all the while being filmed by a cruel human who- rather than help him to his feet- is content to let the pup continue to rock as he films the entire humiliating experience.

Poodle Bitch wonders at the casual cruelty displayed in this video.

The person holding the camera is telling the pup, "You are merely an objet d'amusement. You may remain, as long as you entertain your humans." Poodle Bitch does not wish to seem melodramatic, but this video represents a subtle form of psychological torture. She shudders to think of what is in store for this pup, as he grows into full doghood.

And, even removing the cruelty angle, she wonders why it is that any human would find it entertaining to watch a dog, even an adorable pup dog, rock back and forth for a full minute.

Of course, Poodle Bitch is also at a loss to explain the popularity of LOLCats.

Poodle Bitch would also like to note the misleading title. "French Bulldog Rolls Over," it is called. However, at no point does the French bulldog (pup) "roll over." The French bulldog spends nearly a full minute struggling to roll over, while a venal human gleefully films it all, for the entertainment of humans made complicit in the cruelty it represents.

Shame on yahoo, for putting this horribleness on your main page.

RE: "Miracle Cat" Smoka: Poodle Bitch is Dubious

Smoka is an Ohio cat who supposedly survived for 26 days buried under rubble. That is according to the headline.

The last time Sandy LaPierre saw her cat, Smoka, was on Aug. 9 when a fire ripped through the apartment building where she lived in Franklin, Ohio.
...
LaPierre and the community are now stunned that Smoka has been found a whopping 26 days after the disaster. The lucky feline was discovered Sept. 4 when a crew came to clean up rubble at the site of three-story building and one of the workers spotted the cat's head under a pile of rubble.

Poodle Bitch is always surprised by what can stun humans. A cat playing in the debris of a damaged building?

Stunning!

And, why is 26 days considered a "whopping" number, Poodle Bitch would like to know. That is not even a full month. Even February has 28 days. That is plenty of time for a cat to scavenge. Poodle Bitch has heard of cats leaving home for months at a time, and returning only after their desire to catch their own food has waned.

"We was digging through it and we found that cat 16 feet underneath the debris pile, in the burnt ashes and wood," Clarence Witte, owner of Stark Wrecking Company tells PEOPLE Pets. "And we had already done run over the top of it a dozen times with the excavator — and that thing weighs about 40,000 pounds. I don’t know how that cat survived underneath all that stuff."

As for the above quote, Poodle Bitch hardly knows where to start. She will spare Mr. Witte the grammar lesson and instead focus on the content of his statement. He claims to have found the cat 16 feet beneath a debris pile, in ashes and wood- a debris pile that had been run over multiple times by "the excavator" (Poodle Bitch had to look that up on wikipedia- she had seen the machines before, but had always thought they were called "those construction devices") that weighs 40,000 pounds.

The implication is that, per the article's title,

Amazing Discovery! Smoka the Cat Survives 26 Days Buried Under Rubble

Poodle Bitch doesn't want to rain on anyone's burned-out building, but she would like to note that there is absolutely no proof whatosever that Smoka the cat was buried under rubble for 26 days.

There is instead the statement of one semi-literate man who found a cat playing in a debris pile.

Poodle Bitch is a bit perturbed by the scam this cat is attempting. No doubt Smoka saw that the apartment was on fire and, rather than help her human companion (as Poodle Bitch herself would have done), Smoka then ran out, leaving her human companion to the mercy of the terrifying flames as she herself went out (you'll pardon the expression, but Poodle Bitch cannot resist) tomcatting.

And she nearly had her story featured on the Today Show, Poodle Bitch has found.

On Wednesday, Sept. 9, a producer from the “Today Show” called Dennie Fitzgerald ... and invited him and Smoka, who survived 26 days buried under rubble from a Franklin fire, to appear on the show.

But a few hours later, the producer rescinded the offer, citing Friday’s eighth anniversary of 9/11.

Poodle Bitch notes that this article casually repeats the unproven allegation that the cat "survived 26 days buried under rubble." She would like to have more than just the word of the construction worker and the companion of the cat. Specifically, Poodle Bitch would like video footage of all 26 days in question.

Or, she would like to question Smoka herself. Poodle Bitch can tell when a cat is lying.

A cat is lying most of the time.

However, Poodle Bitch does consider it poor form to invite someone onto your program, and then rescind the offer only a few hours later. Most especially given the reason cited. She wonders if the "eighth anniversary of 9/11" snuck up on this producer.

She also wonders if perhaps the producer wasn't being dishonest about the reason for the cancellation. Is it possible that someone at the Today Show thought, "Wait- we have no proof that this cockamamie story is actually true! We can't have this cat on our show!"?

Somehow, Poodle Bitch is dubious.


The humans might be, but Poodle Bitch is not fooled by Smoka the cat.

Photo source.

Project Runway 6 Episode 5: Utterly Preposterous Spewing of Fiction

Tonight’s episode of Project Runway took Poodle Bitch back to her days as a Poodle Pup, living in that small apartment on beautiful Cahuenga Blvd. She did not care to go for walks in the evening, and so she was paper-trained. Tonight, the designers had to create garments using newspaper.

Poodle Bitch finds that a bit silly- the paper is for dog dirt, not for high fashion.

But before the designers were given their rather silly assignment, the poodle companion Irina, Poodle Bitch’s unabashed favorite, perfectly expressed Poodle Bitch’s sentiments regarding Althea’s questionably winning garment from last week. “I was in utter shock,” she said. (Poodle Bitch would like to tell Irina that she should not be shocked by anything the judges decide, given the fact that Mitchell lasted into the third episode.) “I’ll be the first one to congratulate anyone that wins, if I feel like it was well-earned. And that wasn’t.”


Is it any wonder that Poodle Bitch loves the poodle companion Irina?

Poodle Bitch could not agree more. Irina’s, Louise’s, and Epperson’s garments were all far superior.

Nicolas however is incurring Poodle Bitch’s ire by interviewing that Irina is “slowly creeping up [his] list” of unworthies, along with Johnny.

Nicolas: Poodle Bitch cannot remember a single garment you’ve designed. Your opinion is as irrelevant as you are.

Do you have a poodle, Nicolas? Then Poodle Bitch would like to respectfully suggest that you lick yourself.

The delightful Tim Gunn takes the designers to the Los Angeles Times, that coupon distribution pamphlet that Poodle Bitch remembers so fondly from her days in the Cahuenga apartment. He leads them to the printing press, where they are introduced to Booth Moore, LA Times Fashion critic. She tells the designers they will use actual newspaper pages in the creation of their garments.

Poodle Bitch supposes that, given the declining circulation numbers for printed newspapers, this is a rather desperate grab at sales.

Nicolas interviews that he is “speechless” at the prospect of using newspapers for fabric. Poodle Bitch would like to ask him why he could not have been “speechless” when he was expressing his pathetic opinion of her favorite designer Irina, and, she would further like to ask him what he expected from “Project Runway”?

These types of “challenges” are typical. If you’re rendered “speechless” before you’ve even begun creating your garment, then maybe you should sew your mouth shut regarding the other designers.

It is only too bad that no one bit Nicolas during the three minutes the designers were given to gather newspaper. Only Poodle Bitch’s favorite designer, Irina, remains calm and cool. “What are you guys doing?” she wonders. “You’re dressing a human, not an elephant.”

Poodle Bitch again finds herself in agreement, although she does wish that the designers had to create something for a poodle. Specifically, a Poodle Bitch.

Back at the Fashion Institute, Mr. Gunn gives the viewers a helpful history of paper clothing. Poodle Bitch was unaware that the first paper dress was created in 1968. She also didn’t realize that it caused, in Mr. Gunn’s inimitable phrasing, “quite a fervor.”

Althea says that working with paper is like “starting at the bottom.” Given Althea’s previous design efforts, Poodle Bitch would tend to agree with her.

Nicolas fears he will be going home. “I seriously have no idea what I’m doing,” he interviews. Again, Poodle Bitch agrees. He hasn’t had much in the way of ideas all season long.

Irina, true to her nature, is cool and collected. “I’m going to mix materials, and colors, and sort of really make it look like fabric,” she says, sensibly. “It doesn’t have to look like newspaper.”

The others could learn from her.

Shirin shellacks. This apparently causes the others consternation. She’s also quite loquacious and expressive, and if Poodle Bitch didn’t already back Irina, she would happily back this charming young woman.


Poodle Bitch very much likes the fun, whimsical and just-kooky-enough-to-be-charming-but-not-enough-to-be-annoying Shirin.

Giordana wants to create a political statement, but Poodle Bitch is happy to see Mr. Gunn provide her with his usual sensible and insightful encouragement. There is no need to be quite so glum, and quite so stern, despite her accent.

Mr. Gunn tells Althea he is “disappointed” in what she’s creating. Poodle Bitch wonders how he could be disappointed in someone who consistently creates sloppy and unmemorable garments.

Johnny’s “craft project gone awry” makes Mr. Gunn “woeful.” To Poodle Bitch, this is just further evidence that no one on television is more insightful, nor more clever, nor is blessed with a better vocabulary, than Mr. Gunn. She could listen to him expound on any topic, at any time.

Poodle Bitch would love to hear him tell her bedtime stories. She would not even crawl under the bed until he was finished.

“It looks like a bunch of kindergartners did it,” Mr. Gunn concludes. Johnny crumples his dress and starts over.

Mr. Gunn is such a gentleman that he does not even kick Nicolas in the shin when advising him. He tells him that he thinks Nicolas has a great trajectory going. Poodle Bitch would point out that trajectory means nothing if the ultimate destination is… whatever Nicolas is designing.

“The nineties… the millennium version of punk rock,” Nicolas says. Poodle Bitch is already bored with his design. “Punk rock”? Really?

Johnny apparently took Mr. Gunn’s advice so hard that he has given up and is doing crossword puzzles. An iron sputtered and ruined his garment, he claims. No one believes him. Poodle Bitch remembers that this is the same man who threatened to quit on the first episode.

Ironically, he interviews, “I don’t really care what the other designers think of me. I don’t give a damn. Get over it.” Poodle Bitch would give him the same advice. Stop doing crossword puzzles and “get over it.”

And how ridiculous is Althea? “I can’t tell if Irina’s is good or not,” she confides to Ra’mon. Poodle Bitch cares not for people who need to be told what to think. Should she like it? Should she not? Is it good? Ra’mon, what do you think?

Once again, Michael Kors is absent. This week, in his place is Tommy Hilfiger. Zoe Glassner from Marie Claire is filling in for Nina Garcia, and Eva Longoria Parker, who is an actress on a show that Poodle Bitch does not watch.

Ra’mon’s design is very good. Shirin’s is whimsical and fun. Christopher’s was impressive. And of course, Irina’s crinkle trenchcoat is fashionable, couture, and simple in a pleasing way. Once again, she is Poodle Bitch’s favorite. The rest were unimpressive.

Althea’s unmoving design is chosen as a favorite. The judges are blind- that is the only way that Poodle Bitch can explain their love of Althea’s work.

Happily, Irina’s coat is selected as a favorite. Finally, Irina takes her rightful place at the top. Tommy Hilfiger pays her the ultimate compliment when he tells her it is “the new alternative to fur- newspaper.”

Poodle Bitch says that should get Irina the win right there.

Johnny makes excuses for his pathetic dress, then says “I’m not making excuses.” Again, with the sputtering iron. “The other dress was hardcore… it was Dior.”

“It was a red mess,” Nicolas says. Poodle Bitch agrees with Nicolas, as much as it pains her to admit.

The judges say that Nicolas’s dress looks like an insect.

The judges love Christopher’s creative, sexy, glamorous dress. “If you squint, it looks like feathers,” says Eva Longoria etc. Poodle Bitch wonders why you would want to squint when looking at a nice dress.

Poodle Bitch is very happy that Irina’s “originality and risk-taking” (according to Ms. Heidi Klum herself) earned her a win. Finally, the judges have removed their blinders and seen for themselves what Poodle Bitch is happy to say she’s seen from the beginning—

That the poodle companion Irina is the designer to beat this season. She has the taste and refinement that only a poodle companion can possess. She has the skill to give life to that taste and refinement. She has the creativity to match the skill.

“I finally won; it’s past due, I feel like,” she interviews.

Poodle Bitch agrees, and congratulates her on her well-deserved win.

She says so long to Johnny and his sputtering iron. Poodle Bitch does not believe he wanted to be there, anyway.

But she must say that she is astonished to hear Mr. Gunn call Johnny out on his "sputtering iron."

"I am incredulous at that utterly preposterous spewing of fiction that Johnny did on the runway. It was ridiculous."

Poodle Bitch cannot imagine what it would be like to be called out in such a way by the elegant and gentlemanly Tim Gunn. But she must admit that Johnny deserved it.


Poodle Bitch believes that no one should lie in the presence of the honest gentleman Tim Gunn, a man of rare integrity.

Shirin picture source.
Irina picture source.
Tim Gunn picture source.

A Poem For Jessica Simpson's Dog, Daisy

Poodle Bitch has already discussed the terrible story of Jessica Simpson's ill-fated maltipoo, Daisy. She has little sympathy for Ms. Simpson.

However, she is filled with sadness over what has happened to Daisy. In fact, Poodle Bitch has been so moved as to compose a poem in honor of Daisy and her sad life.

Poor Daisy! Your life was doomed to be a wreck,
Nam'd for an embarrassing TV "Duke," a redneck,

Cursed by a companion of profound fatuity,
Carried off in the maw of a hungry coyote.

Our hearts quietly break for that wilting maltipoo,
A sad Daisy pluck'd, amidst tabloid hulabaloo.

For sympathy Jessica did tweet,
While you, poor bitch, became luncheon meat.


Poodle Bitch was unable to find photographs of Daisy that did not include her thoughtless companion, "actress" and "singer" Jessica Simpson. It is too bad that Daisy will be remembered in this way.

Pic source.

Poodle Bitch Hopes Jon Gosselin Can Find Some Support in What is a Trying Time for Him

Poodle Bitch is appalled by the behavior of reality television character Jon Gosselin. This is not new, but neither is it a regular occurrence; Poodle Bitch has too much on her plate (tomato slices) to worry overmuch about the shenanigans of reality television characters. However, in the past, Poodle Bitch's appalled feeling revolved around Mr. Gosselin's treatment of his human companions (wife, girlfriends, children). Now, Poodle Bitch is appalled by his treatment of the family's dogs:

Jon Gosselin is sending his two German Shepherd's back to the breeder as part of the fallout from his divorce from Kate.
...
Now, Shoka and Nala, the family dogs are being discarded and Jon has been telling pals it's Kate's fault because she won't take care of them when he's not at the house.

Ah, yes, of course it is Kate Gosselin's fault that two fabulously wealthy reality television characters cannot spare a few dollars a month to hire someone to feed and water their two German Shepherds when one or the other of them is away hosting The View or cavorting with Star magazine editors.

Poodle Bitch truly feels for Mr. Gosselin in what is certainly a trying time for him. If only he had two companions who would provide him with unconditional love and affection, no matter how boorishly he behaved.



Jon and discarded German shepherds picture source.

Poodle Bitch's Heart Does Not Go Out to Jessica Simpson

Poodle Bitch is sorry, but she cannot bring herself to muster anything but disdain for Jessica Simpson, who recently tweeted:

"A coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!"

Her "precious Daisy" is a maltipoo bitch. This is a breed that combines the poodle with the maltese. Poodle Bitch is of course a poodle herself, and so she can tell you that poodles are intelligent- certainly more intelligent than the notoriously unintelligent Ms. Simpson- and have refined manners. Poodle Bitch has already written about malteses, when she took on the case of Aubrey O'Day's hapless dog Ginger.

Poodle Bitch understands the trauma that can be experienced by actual animal lovers when their "precious" companions lose their lives. However, Poodle Bitch does not consider someone who would put a maltipoo in harm's way to be an actual animal lover.

Her suspicion is aroused by the fact that Ms. Simpson went straight to twitter to air her "HORROR" during the search. Poodle Bitch wonders about Ms. Simpson's thought process. "I had better tweet this- perhaps a coyote will read about it and respond with some information."

Poodle Bitch was not alone in wondering this:

After a coyote snatched Jessica Simpson's 5-year-old pooch, Daisy, she posted a note on Twitter offering a reward -- baffling celebrity dog trainer Jennifer McCarthy.

"If she witnesses a coyote taking the dog...obviously coyotes don't Twitter!" McCarthy -- who has trained Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera's pups -- tells Usmagazine.com. "So that would be essentially not very effective in this case."

Poodle Bitch loves the charming naivete displayed by the "celebrity dog trainer." (By the way, Poodle Bitch wonders if she is a celebrity dog trainer, or a celebrity dog trainer?) The tweet would be very effective for a woman who seems to spend most of her career eliciting sympathy. And the other half being stupid.

Of course Poodle Bitch has no way of knowing the exact circumstances of the abduction (which, Poodle Bitch is reluctant to add, has probably already come to a dire conclusion), but she can know that it is easy for humans to keep their "precious" companion animals away from the "HORROR" of coyote attacks by staying away from areas in which coyotes live.

Most especially when your companion is an adorable little maltipoo. Indeed, it is for poor little Daisy that Poodle Bitch has the sympathy. She cannot imagine the terror that poor little creature must have felt. Anything would be better than being carried off by a coyote, including having Jessica Simpson for a companion.

Although, apparently, having Jessica Simpson for a companion means you're likely to be carried off by a coyote.

Jessica Simpson in "happier" times, with poor ill-fated Daisy. Poodle Bitch notes that Ms. Simpson appears to be carrying a cell phone of some kind in that same hand in which she holds her "precious" maltipoo. Hopefully she used it to call 911 before she started using it to tweet how sad she was over the loss of her companion.

Photo source.