Thursday, August 20, 2009

Poodle Bitch is Delighted by the Return of Project Runway

Poodle Bitch is most excited for the return of her favorite reality competition, “Project Runway.”

Of course Poodle Bitch was delighted to see that the new season is taking place in her beloved Los Angeles, and she was filled with anticipation as each of the lovely characters was introduced. There was the eccentric one word named man, the former addict, the woman who designs dresses for woodland fairies, the vintage girl, the androgyne, the woman from a harsh Eastern European country, the woman who speaks to fabric and makes clothes with water purification systems. Oh, how Poodle Bitch was atingle with anticipation over this year’s fashion potential.

Alas, none of the characters was standing out to Poodle Bitch, until she saw the long-legged Irina Shabayeva make her appearance. The beautiful 26 year old woman creates a line of leather totes inspired by her own poodle bitch. Unfortunately, Irina has named her bitch Princess, but Poodle Bitch is pleased that Irina has the taste, refinement, and decorum to keep a poodle bitch as a companion. Poodle Bitch is even more impressed that Ms. Shabayeva designs totes for the carrying of her bitch. That is true and necessary dedication that Poodle Bitch wishes more humans would do the same.

Poodle Bitch's favorite Project Runway contestant is the poodle companion Irina Shabayeva.

Poodle Bitch does not appreciate Ms. Shabayeva’s joking that her Princess is a “lazy little girl,” and fully understands why Princess would growl upon hearing such a thing. Poodle Bitch does not believe that a human should call her bitch “lazy” on national television, even in jest. Regardless, Poodle Bitch can take a joke.

Poodle Bitch does not usually bother to commit to memory the names of any Project Runway contestants until at least three episodes into the season. But she is making a most delightful exception in this case. Irina Shabayeva.

Poodle Bitch will admit that seeing Tim Gunn explain the first challenge to the designer contestants made her pant like a dog. Which of course is what Poodle Bitch is. The challenge seemed to be a good one, from her point of view. Let the contestants do what they want, and show exactly what they can do. No “create a dress from items found in a grocery store” this time.

Poodle Bitch was still so excited, ten minutes into the show, that she failed to become irritated by the antics of the “free spirited” woman who speaks to fabric. She does not sketch, apparently, but does her designing by doing handstands against the wall.

But once the shopping was finished at mood (and one of the contestants, the uniquely named Qristyl) and the designers returned to the Fashion Institute to begin creating their clothes, Poodle Bitch will confess to some confusion as to the behavior of West Hollywood resident Johnny, the former meth addict. Is he having some kind of relapse, Poodle Bitch wonders? Have any contestants ever wanted to “throw in the towel” a mere couple of hours into the season? It can’t be homesickness. He’s home.

Poodle Bitch hopes that the ever elegant Tim Gunn will be able to provide Johnny with the support he needs. Poor Johnny doesn’t want to fail. He doesn’t feel ready. It’s so hard. But then, why try out for the show, Poodle Bitch wonders.

She also wonders what it would be like to have Tim Gunn, her favorite reality show personality, give her a pep talk. Poodle Bitch has a feeling that after a mere two minutes of Mr. Gunn’s wise counsel, she could take on any challenge. Especially if he gave her a tomato slice.

Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps Mr. Gunn shouldn’t give a talk- a much more stern talk- to the androgyne Malvin, who claims there is as yet no vocabulary to describe his designs. Poodle Bitch has yet to see the design, but she does have one word to describe Malvin: Pretentious.

Poodle Bitch is unimpressed with the limited vocabulary of androgynous Malvin, who doesn't recognize different colors of carpets.

Oh, poor Christopher who did not attend fashion school, doesn’t even know what the word “smocking” means. Nor does he know another word that Poodle Bitch will admit she did not know herself. ("Godet.") But Poodle Bitch is a dog. She does not have to know such things. Although, even she had heard of smocking.

Again, Poodle Bitch was so delighted to watch Mr. Gunn do his walk-through, to see the designer’s works in process. This is one of Poodle Bitch’s favorite parts of every episode. Poodle Bitch firmly believes that Mr. Gunn is one of the most tasteful, refined, and eminently polite human beings on television. Seeing him provide his encouragement of designs that frankly seem- to Poodle Bitch’s untrained eye- appalling, is a real pleasure. A pleasure that Poodle Bitch has sorely missed for a year.

Poodle Bitch is at a loss as to understand exactly what were the problems for the designer who sent out “the naked model,” Mitchell. If your model is five inches taller than expected, you “make it work.” That is what you do on this show, and Poodle Bitch does not have sympathy. She knows there are thousands of people who would do anything to be on this show.

And how appalled was Poodle Bitch to see that Lindsay Lohan was a guest judge. If Poodle Bitch had designed anything that Lindsay liked, she would wonder what she did wrong.

Poodle Bitch wonders what possessed the producers of Project Runway to select this woman as this week's guest judge. Did they need ratings that badly? It's Project Runway- not some tawdry VH1 show.

On the plus side, Poodle Bitch has to think that someone like Lindsay Lohan would appreciate Mitchell’s “naked” dress.

Poodle Bitch was happy to say that Irina’s champagne gown was the most beautiful. Clearly, this woman has taste in both animals and in design.

The designs of the woodland creature woman, and the handstander appalled her. Naked Mitchell’s was silly.

Why Irina’s dress was not chosen as one of the best is beyond her. But, again, the tasteless Lindsay Lohan was likely throwing off the judging.

Poodle Bitch was delighted to hear the handstanding designer say that her dress was for the VMAs circa 2080, and to pick up a Nobel Peace Prize on the same night. She hopes that handstander is kept around for a few more episodes.

Poodle Bitch did find it ironic to hear Lindsay Lohan say “there’s got to be an awareness to what’s acceptable and what’s appropriate and what’s… too out there.” She had to stop the DVR and replay it, to make sure she’d heard it correctly.

Regarding Mitchell’s dress, Poodle Bitch would tend to disagree with Michael Kors’s assessment that it should not be worn outside the house. Poodle Bitch can most definitely imagine Lindsay Lohan wearing it in public, quite possibly two or three days in a row. But Poodle Bitch is not a judge. If she were, the poodle loving Irina would have won this episode.

Not “I’ve-Never-heard-of-Smocking” Christopher, even though Poodle Bitch definitely liked his dress.

However, Poodle Bitch does not agree with the judges’ decision to send home the handstander. That makes no sense to her. Aren’t you interested in what she would have done with the “design a dress from garbage” challenge? At least she finished her design. Mitchell did not.

Poodle Bitch hopes that the headstander takes solace from the fact that she was eliminated by a judging panel that included Lindsay Lohan. That could be considered a badge of honor.

Poodle Bitch is disappointed that she will not get to see more handstands from the handstanding woman, whose real name escapes her at the moment.

Irina pic source.
Malvin pic source.
Lindsay Lohan pic source.
Ari pic source.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Welcome to your new digs, Poodle Bitch. May you prosper here and long give your impeccable advice to those who need it!