The first sentence of this extremely spare article tested Poodle Bitch's studied ambivalence:
Experts say early, positive and thorough obedience training, starting with puppy kindergarten, is one way that dog owners can make their dog less likely to bite.
Ah, yes, Poodle Bitch understands humans enough to know when they're being told to spend money. No doubt someone at the Associated Press- perhaps even the person responsible for this unsigned article- is related to or friends with someone who runs one of these "puppy kindergartens." And Poodle Bitch is sure that this person called his/her friend at the AP and said, breathlessly, "This current economic climate is causing me to lose a great deal of financial standing. If only there were something that someone could do, to get the word out about just how important my services really are."
For the most part, Poodle Bitch had no problem with the remainder of the tips listed. However, she could not help but chuckle when she read this piece of advice:
Teach children not to run up to dogs or harass them.
Indeed, Poodle Bitch would like to send every human child in the world to some kind of "human kindergarten," where they are taught not to run up to or harass dogs. Specifically, Poodle Bitch would like for these human children to be taught to not run up to or harass her.
Recognizing the impractical nature of this desire, Poodle Bitch has taken precautions to ensure that she does not find herself in situations in which human children might run up to or harass her. She affects a haughty, unapproachable air when around them. Although human children have small brains and limited experience, Poodle Bitch has found that they get the point.
Of course, Poodle Bitch could have reduced the AP article to a single tip for reducing the chance a dog will bite:
Do not do anything for which you deserve to be bitten.
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