Briefly noted with Poodle Bitch: Bret Michaels's "Pets Rock" products; PETA's chickens and sharks, and the Disney Channel's blogging dog program

Poodle Bitch does not believe in the concept of "guilty pleasures." If in fact she finds pleasure in something, that is in itself enough justification for liking it. "Guilt" is something that weak people use to establish power over everyone else. And as for fearing the judgment of others, well, if you'll pardon Poodle Bitch for saying so, She does not care what others think of her.

This is why she wears her appreciation for reality television star Bret Michaels on her metaphorical sleeve. This skeevy charmer starred for three seasons on various incarnations of the "Rock of Love" dating franchise, ostensibly looking for true love by putting a bevy of questionable women through their paces. Having them play football in the mud, for example. And dance on strippers poles.

Poodle Bitch would not turn down a tomato slice from Bret Michaels.

These programs were magical, providing as they did a rare insight into the mating rituals of humans.

Of course, Poodle Bitch was being ironic in that previous sentence. Not about the "Rock of Love" programs being magical, because without question they were, but rather about these programs providing insights into the mating rituals of humans. It actually provided insight into the lengths to which human beings will go to achieve a modicum of fame-- or perhaps Poodle Bitch should say notoriety-- on a moderately popular television program.

At the center was Mr. Michaels. While the twenty women swirling about him got smashed on Tequila and fought belligerently about who was really there "for Bret," he remained a calm mixture of bemusement mingled with fascination, with a dash of physical attraction. Poodle Bitch admits that she found Mr. Michaels to be a charismatic center around which to build such a program.

The less said about his "Life as I Know it," featuring the girlfriend that he had even as he was filming those "Rock of Love" programs, the better. (Actually, Poodle Bitch can't even remember "Life as I Know it," couldn't even remember the title of the program until she googled it.)

Anyway. Poodle Bitch is happy to note that Mr. Michaels is apparently a "pet enthusiast," and has just answered her unasked prayer by launching his own line of pet products.

“As a musician who loves animals, I’m thrilled to be collaborating with PetSmart to create the Bret Michaels Pets Rock collection,” said Michaels. “As a dedicated pet owner myself, this is a natural partnership for me, and I can’t wait to unveil the collection. I know my own pets rock, and I wanted to design a line of pet products every bit as fun and cool as they are.”

Poodle Bitch wonders why Mr. Michaels mentioned his being a "musician," yet neglected to remind us of his reality television history. In fact, Poodle Bitch enjoys him so much as a reality show character that she actually watched a few episodes of a show featuring that annoying vituperation Donald Trump, just so that she could see him. That said, she is happy that Mr. Michaels loves animals (humans are animals), but she dislikes his use of the term "pet owner." Poodle Bitch prefers to think of herself as a companion, not a piece of property. She encourages Mr. Michaels to listen to Todd Rundgren's classic song "Property" for a primer on the negative connotations of that word.



The website doesn't as yet have any product information, so Poodle Bitch is left to wonder: Will there be "Doggy Style Thongs"? Tequila and Doritos flavored treats? Stripper Pole Pussy Scratching Posts?

As much as Poodle Bitch admires and appreciates Mr. Michaels, she would prance over his brain-hemorrhoiding body for one piece of chicken breast. That is why she must admit she found the following image from the New York Times so mouthwateringly appealing:



Poodle Bitch had roughly the same reaction to that photo that Mr. Michaels must have when he enters a gynecologist's office.

The accompanying article, about the rise of chicken skin as a savory among certain "foodies," is certainly less provocative than the above image suggests. For one thing, the skin that this small group of cognoscenti is generally cooked to a "crisp," whereas Poodle Bitch notes that the New York Times's "sexy chicken" is raw. Poodle Bitch notes that the small rise in popularity of the chicken skin as a delicacy (is this just another of the New York Times's fake trends, like potbellies and recession beards?) is just another incarnation of the highbrow rehabilitation of what has been traditionally peasant food.

While Poodle Bitch found the photo exciting, a group called PeTA did not.

"When I saw it I just couldn't believe that an editor of The New York Times would find it acceptable," PETA's founder and president Ingrid Newkirk told The Atlantic Wire. "It's downright offensive, not just to people who care about animals but almost to everyone. It's a plucked, beheaded, young chicken in a young pose," she said.
...
"It's necrophilia. It's not amusing. It's just ghastly and sickly. It's not fitting for The New York Times."

Earlier in this post, Poodle Bitch expressed her distaste for the idea that she might be considered a piece of property, as opposed to a companion. That is because her presence in the lives of her human companions fills a much more solemn and noble purpose than could, say, a table. Poodle Bitch, as all animal companions, provides mental and emotional company that is all out of proportion to the limitations of "property." That term is as insulting to the animal in question as it is to the human expressing it.

At the other end of the spectrum: referring to a chicken as if it were human. Animals are not human. Animals do not want to be human. This is something that even humans who refer to themselves as animal lovers often lose sight of. Poodle Bitch can tell Ms. Newkirk that she was most assuredly not offended by the image of the "plucked" and "beheaded" "young chicken." She was made hungry by it.

That is an animal reaction. And, while animals are not human, humans are still very much animals. Poodle Bitch would venture to guess that Ms. Newkirk is in the minority if, in fact, her mouth did not start watering upon seeing that image.

Poodle Bitch notes that Ms. Newkirk is a humorless hypocrite who once said, "Even if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, we'd be against it." This does not apply to the use of IV drips to alleviate the pain of a broken wrist, apparently.

Just as I was setting out to launch my new book, Let’s Have a Dog Party!, I met a wet floor and went splat, neatly snapping the bones in my wrist. Ooh, the pain! Thank goodness for IV drips.

As this post points out, that IV drip for which Ms. Newkirk thanked "goodness" actually owes its existence to animal testing.

Furthermore, in Ms. Newkirk's essay, from which Poodle Bitch quoted above, you can read for yourself how she compares seagulls, monkeys, foxes, and chimpanzees to black humans. Poodle Bitch wonders that anyone takes this woman or her group seriously. She is nothing more than a morally retarded malefactress. And her organization has murdered thousands of companion animals since 1998.

Animal lovers worldwide now have access to more than a decade's worth of evidence showing that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) kills thousands of defenseless pets at its Virginia headquarters. Since 1998, PETA has opted to "put down" 25,840 adoptable dogs, cats, puppies, and kittens instead of finding them "forever homes."

But a photo of a "young chicken in a young pose" is simply beyond the pale, Poodle Bitch notes with dry irony.

Ms. Newkirk's objections to the "young chicken" image that appeared in the New York Times appeared in the same week in which her group PETA released an ad targeting the victim of a shark attack:

PETA is at it again. Just days after a man on a spearfishing trip survived a shark attack near the Gulf of Mexico, PETA launched a controversial campaign portraying a shark chomping a man to death with the tagline "Payback Is Hell, Go Vegan."

"With the recent shark attack in the news, we thought that it was a good time to bring this discussion up that will hopefully save lives, both human and animals," PETA Campaign Manager Ashley Byrne told The Huffington Post.

Here is the ad in question:



Most humans would find it distasteful to use the profound wounding of a man in an attempt to score political points. But then, most humans find it distasteful to put the suffering of AIDS victims below the suffering of a privileged, pampered human woman who slipped and broke her wrist while preparing to promote a book that exploits dogs. In other words, Poodle Bitch notes wearily, this is simply par for the course.

Poodle Bitch also notes that the Disney Channel, something she only watches when she is around human children (which is as infrequently as possible), has ordered a television program about, well, a dog with a blog:

Dog With A Blog centers on 15-year-old Tyler and Kayla, who have just become step-siblings but don’t get along because they’re very different: Tyler is popular, social and gets by on his looks, while Kayla is super smart, socially responsible and despises guys like Tyler. Cue Stu, the new family’s dog. He talks, blogs about his family on his social network, and, with his canine point of view, helps Tyler and Kayla navigate their new sibling status as well as the world of high school. ... Casting is underway for the kids, parents and the dog, who will be real (sans the talking and blogging part, which will most likely be CG animation).

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that the blogging dog must be saddled with allegedly adorable children who are little more than the stock sit-com characters that populate every single Disney Channel program she has ever had to sit through (Poodle Bitch admits that she has not sat through many). She believes that a blogging dog, offering genuinely witty observations on the world in which she lives, should be more than enough to carry a television program.

Children are a crutch that writers use when they can not fall back upon cleverness.

Poodle Bitch also wonders about the necessity of CGI. Traditional, hand-drawn animation has always been good enough for her.

Poodle Bitch wonders if the definition of "surprise" has changed since last she looked it up?

Poodle Bitch once attempted to watch "Jersey Shore," but she was unable to make it more than a few minutes into the episode. She understands the program's appeal (after all, she does on occasion watch VH1 reality shows -- or, she did, before they "evolved"); that appeal, however, is lost on her.

That said, Poodle Bitch is well aware of the exploits of many of the program's characters. How could she not be? She has internet access. She knows that one of the characters, Snooki, has written a novel.

Or, had one written for her. Or, collaborated on the writing of a novel. Apparently an author called Valerie Frankel had a hand in Snooki's debut novel, A Shore Thing:

She's Jersey-born, opinionated and not afraid to piss people off. But unlike Snooki, Valerie Frankel has read more than two books. She's also written almost a dozen, which is why she was hired to turn patented Jersey Shore-isms into a work of fiction. "A Shore Thing," released this week, follows a girl named Gia who spends the summer picking up Jucie-heads on the beaches of Jersey. Together, Frankel and Snickers have born lines like: "Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla" and "She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face."

Poodle Bitch admits that the two lines quoted from the novel made her laugh out loud. Parody is not dead, and yet, look at what's being parodied.

Snooki.

Snooki was more than happy to appear on a program called the "Today Show," which alleges itself to be a news program, to promote the novel she either did not write, or collaborated upon, but which bears her name. She explained to the host of that show,

"I wanted to do a story about the Jersey Shore," she told Matt Lauer on Tuesday. "People probably expected my first book to be a biography or guidelines to be a guidette or something like that, and I wanted to surprise everyone with a novel."

The 23-year-old went on to say that she had collaborated with a co-writer on the project but had still written a substantial amount herself. "If you read it you know the first page that I wrote it," she explained. "It's all in my language."

The storyline revolves around two girls - based on Snooki and her MTV co-star JWoww - who spend summer on the Jersey Shore.

"It's pretty much like the show but you're reading it," she said. "So it's like 289 pages of Jersey Shore?" said Lauer. "Exactly!" replied Snooki.

So Snooki wanted to surprise everyone by not writing about herself. So she wrote about herself.

Poodle Bitch wonders if anyone is surprised by that?

Should Snooki's future Library of America volume include Valerie Frankel's name on the cover?

Poodle Bitch Enjoyed "Extreme Poodles"

Poodle Bitch has heard of the phenomenon of dog beauty pageants, but she is not so interested in showing off for others as to actually want to participate. Then again, Poodle Bitch was not raised by humans who chose to show their affection for her by fussing overmuch on her grooming. They show their affection in other ways, that are very well suited to Poodle Bitch’s temperament.

Yet Poodle Bitch does not begrudge the fact that some humans show their affection to their poodle companions in ways that might seem unduly superficial, if not perhaps a bit disturbing. After all, there is a series entitled “Toddlers & Tiaras” in which parents are shown giving attention to their human offspring by participating in human beauty pageants.

Do you know why the children like those pageants? It is because, Poodle Bitch speculates (she is no expert on human relations nor does she care to become one), the children in question are getting attention from their human parents.

Poodle Bitch probably does not need to explain to the reader, who is probably human, that a little attention is all anyone wants. She is happy for those children who are getting some attention, whatever it might be.

The same is true of dogs. They want attention from their human companions. Some of us, like Poodle Bitch, require only an occasional rub of the belly followed (hopefully) by a tomato slice or two. Others require more, shall we say, active attention. These dogs love the feel of human hands upon them. What those hands are doing is largely immaterial – as long as they don’t belong to a veterinarian the dogs are happy.

Which brings Poodle Bitch to last night’s TLC special, “Extreme Poodles.” This program featured a look at the world of competitive poodle grooming. Despite the fact that Poodle Bitch is hardly “extreme,” and does not generally submit herself to excessively fussy grooming, she was much interested in finding out all about what others of her breed were up to.

The program featured contestants in something called the Barkleigh Poodle Pageant, which sounds a bit dear to Poodle Bitch’s ear (do you get it? because dog’s bark), where groomers present poodles groomed with “color, glamour, glitz, and style.” This according to Kathy Rose, the pageant’s director. Poodle Bitch cannot fault her enthusiasm for the breed; Poodle Bitch shares that enthusiasm. What she can fault is the paltry prize offered to the winning groomer. A mere $5,000 and a cover for a magazine called “Groomer to Groomer”? Poodle Bitch would have expected more for the person deemed to have created the best poodle style.

Then again, after having seen some of the cuts given the poodles in the special, Poodle Bitch wonders if the prizes might have been too great? For while Poodle Bitch appreciates that the groomers and human companions to the dogs are showing them affection by giving them such elaborate hair cuts, that does not mean she cannot find aesthetically displeasing some of the styles.

Or, if she prefers, all of the styles.

Take for instance Nina, whose poodle Jecht is to be dressed as a roller derby girl. When we’re introduced to this endearing couple, Jecht drinks from the toilet while Nina explains that she got rid of her human husband because he didn’t like dogs. Poodle Bitch thinks there might have been something more to the story than that, but she has no proof so she won’t bring it up. Nina then shows off what she calls her “chastity belt trick,” which involves Jecht putting his head between her legs and mimicking a fearsome growl.

If Nina’s ex-husband bothered to watch this program, did he count his blessings?

Jecht loves being a roller derby girl, Nina tells us. She dresses him in a skirt and stockings and declares that “he’s metrosexual.” Poodle Bitch can assure Nina that her dog is not metrosexual – he is just happy to get attention from you. And if dressing your dog up as a human girl and telling him, “I always wanted a girl dog” is how you choose to display that affection, well, he will take it.

But Poodle Bitch feels compelled to offer the following: If you always wanted a girl dog, why not get a girl dog?

Then there is Angela and Josh. Angela has won more creative grooming titles than anyone else, she tells us, and was first in last year’s Barkleigh competition. She has her own grooming business and says that “People actually have to tell me not to put color on their dogs,” as if she is proud.

Poodle Bitch would think that it just makes good business sense to ask people if they want their dogs’ hair colored. To assume such a thing seems a bit ludicrous.

But no less ludicrous than her grooming theme which is either “Buffalo” or “Cherokee Heritage,” depending on who you ask. Her companion Josh is groomed as a buffalo at the head, and with the face and headdress at one of the rear legs. Apparently, Angela is part Cherokee, so she is celebrating her own heritage which Poodle Bitch supposes makes the whole idea less offensive.

Poodle Bitch offers no comment on that. Humans are alternately too sensitive about such matters, and then too easily offended. She cannot keep track.

In addition to the actual groom of the dog, there is a presentation period, in which the groomers display the dog in a tableau meant to illustrate the theme of the groom. For Angela’s part, she has conscripted her father and nephew into wearing Cherokee headdresses and bird costumes to stand and prance around the dog, while Angela herself beats a drum (Poodle Bitch is unsure if the proper term for such a drum is “tomtom”).

Next the viewer is introduced to Sandy and Odin. Sandy is a decorated poodle groomer (who created the rather famous “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” cut) who has a farm with horses, chickens, and, disturbingly, snakes.

But what she really wants is a camel. This despite the fact that she has poodles, and those poodles she describes as “her children.” Because she wants a camel, she will turn her beloved Odin into a camel. During the competition we see just how Sandy creates the “hump,” and this might have been the most disturbing part of the entire program:

She gathers up the scissored hair from the floor and puts it on Odin’s back, using Elmer’s glue and hair spray. Poodle Bitch had to suppress her gag reflex upon seeing that.

The gluing of the old hair was even more disturbing than the use of small human children in her presentation, which included belly dancing around the “camel.” Sandy, who has been belly dancing for about three years, had wanted to use her snakes in her dance, but she decided against that as many humans are made uneasy by snakes. Poodle Bitch can tell you that the same can be said of many dogs, as well. She appreciates Sandy’s discretion.

The next groomer the program followed was Lori, and her poodle Falcor. Lori has a grooming shop called “Doggie Styles,” which Poodle Bitch has to admit she finds an amusing name for a grooomer. What she did not find particularly amusing was the fact that Lori employed the services of a reikei practitioner upon Falcor.

Again, Poodle Bitch admits that Falcor probably appreciated the attention, but her skeptical hackles rose when she saw the groomer spending money on such pseudoscience.

Anyway, her theme is African safari; Falcor’s head is to be done with a lion’s mane, his left hind leg with a giraffe head, and the right hind leg a zebra head. Lori forces her assistant to do the bulk of the dancing that was part of the presentation, while she, Lori, put on her bottom a set of baboon-style rubber buttocks she turned toward the audience and shook.

Lori’s husband, when asked for three words to describe the grooming competition, says, “Ridiculous, lunacy, and ridiculous.”

Compounding the lunacy was the fact that it was Lori and Falcor that actually won the competition. Poodle Bitch is no expert on the taste of humans, and the special was carefully cut so as to prevent the viewer getting a full look at the other dogs in the competition, but she believed that the second place finisher, despite its hippie theme, was quite good. Poodle Bitch also appreciated the alien invasion/SF themed presentation.

Extreme Poodles did not present poodles or their human companions in the best possible light, but Poodle Bitch appreciated that the program appeared at all. The worst one can say about the humans depicted is that they truly feel affection toward their poodle companions. That is very good indeed, especially given the way humans are depicted on other reality television programs.

Poodle Bitch Thought that the Dog Whisperer was Gay

Poodle Bitch is surprised. She is only a sometime viewer of the National Geographic program "The Dog Whisperer" (it is exploitive and manipulative, but Poodle Bitch does have a bit of a taste for such things), but if she'd been asked, she would have told the asker that surely the host, Cesar Millan, was gay.

Not that Poodle Bitch particularly cares. There is little she finds more tedious than the private lives of dog "trainers." Most people get into that business because they lack the faculties to deal with their own kind and, arrogantly, believe they can manipulate other species. But the idea that Mr. Millan was gay was the only thing that Poodle Bitch found even remotely interesting about him.

So, as previously stated, Poodle Bitch was surprised to learn that Mr. Millan, the Dog Whisperer, was married, and had been married for sixteen years. She is also surprised, and she must admit a bit saddened, to learn that Mr. Millan and his wife are separating, according to a statement on his blog.

A Personal Message from Cesar and Ilusion Millan

We are sad to announce that after 16 years of marriage we have decided to file for divorce. The decision was made after much consideration and time. We remain caring friends, and are fully committed to the co-parenting of our two boys.

Now, whenever he attempts to use his TSST! on any dogs, they will not take him seriously. "You want me to stop chewing up the carpet?" they will say. "You couldn't even keep your marriage together!" Mr. Millan has lost all credibility in the dog community, Poodle Bitch can assure him.

He had best move on to another reality show. Prior to this revelation, Poodle Bitch would have suggested he appear on RuPaul's Drag Race, but, as she's already stated, she was surprised to discover that Mr. Millan was not gay.

Of course, the reader is probably noting in his/her mind that there was a recent high-profile coming out, when Fran Drescher, the nails-on-a-chalkboard-voiced star of "The Nanny" television show, revealed that her ex-husband was gay. It is not unprecedented for a human man to feel he must live a lie in order to fit in.

Poodle Bitch doesn't wish to make light of the situation, but she wonders what man wouldn't pretend to be straight, to be close to Ms. Drescher?

To be serious: Poodle Bitch finds the idea particularly troubling, that some humans feel they cannot be open and honest about themselves. Very few dogs she has ever met have had this problem. Dogs are open and honest with each other about everything. Dogs sniff at one another's buttocks.

The reader might also note that Mr. Millan's wife is apparently named "Ilusion." Perhaps the woman was not real at all. Oh, wait, Poodle Bitch has found a photograph of the two of them together.



So the Ilusion is real. Poodle Bitch finds it amusing that a dog "trainer" married a woman with a name that sounds, to her admittedly jaundiced ear, like that which a dog's whimsical human companion might bestow on her.

"Ilusion! Stay! Ilusion! TSST!"

Poodle Bitch apologizes for her tasteless joke at the expense of two people who might actually be hurting. But, as she's already suggested, she has little respect for dog "trainers."

All of this comes on the heels of learning that some humans believe that animal companions can improve your human relationships.

We hardly need to look at the research to verify that pets do good things for people physically and emotionally. What is interesting in my work with couples is that although couples may vehemently disagree on most topics, they usually both soften in manner and tone to agree that the dog, cat, bird or horse is great.

In fact, if there is any criticism, it is the verbalized wish to receive the kind of love and attention the pet is getting.

“I only wish she was as affectionate with me as with our dog!”

“You should hear him speak to this animal – he never speaks to me that way.”

The people who would say such things are sad to Poodle Bitch. Trust Poodle Bitch: if humans and animals shared a common language, their relationships would be just as complicated and troubling as relationships that humans have with one another. Humans have been manipulated by "their pets," and the generations of breeding those "pets," into believing that animals love them. Most are just relying upon you for food and shelter.

They are conflating love and need. An inability to fully communicate serves as a protective barrier for the humans. It is helpful for dogs as well. Some of us would have to pretend we were something we weren't in order to please you.

Or, do you want to start sniffing your dog companions' buttocks?

Cesar and Ilusion Millan photograph source.

Poodle Bitch Still Does Not Know "The Price of Beauty," and She Wonders Why Jessica Simpson was the One They Asked

Poodle Bitch has made no secret of her contempt for Jessica Simpson. The woman is vacuous and pathetic, eliciting both sympathy and irritation. Ms. Simpson seems to have only two redeeming qualities—the breasts that her father has boasted “can’t be hidden.” She continues to push herself upon a public that can only bear so much of her, laughing until the tragedy becomes almost too much to bear, and then forgetting her again.

At some point, Poodle Bitch wishes that Ms. Simpson would get on with her life, if not out of the public spotlight, at the very least in such a way as to better herself. Despite her fame, she has met with stunning failure as a singer, actress, and variety show host. She seems to have terrible taste in human men. Something must be done; she must help herself. No one else will.

Perhaps traveling the world, learning about other cultures, could help her.

Poodle Bitch will admit that she was at first intrigued when she heard about Ms. Simpson’s new show, “The Prince of Beauty.” A television program dissecting the cultural differences about ideals of beauty, even physical beauty, could make for penetrating television. Having Ms. Simpson along as host added another layer. This, after all, is a woman who has built much of her career on the sturdy edifice provided by those breasts that her own father loves so much. Moreover, she has been accused of being everything from “too fat” to “too skinny.” There is much there to play with.

Alas, Poodle Bitch is disappointed to report that “The Prince of Beauty” neatly sidesteps any of its unique possibilities. It is difficult to say this after merely one episode, but Poodle Bitch believes that it might actually be the worst television show that the odious VH1 has ever offered.

And Ms. Simpson might be the least appealing “star” VH1 has ever built a television program around.

Ms. Simpson begins the first episode with a doe-eyed lament that “there is a lot of pressure to feel beautiful.” Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps the pressure that Ms. Simpson is feeling has more to do with looking, than feeling beautiful. Poodle Bitch is not a human, but she has a hard time understanding why anyone would care whether Ms. Simpson feels beautiful.

Is not the issue that she must look beautiful?

Yes, for Ms. Simpson flatly states that “People put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.” This is spoken as part of a voice over, while images of Ms. Simpson in short, tight dresses on red carpets are displayed. Poodle Bitch cannot help but wonder if perhaps Ms. Simpson is actually part of the problem, if indeed this is a problem?

Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson is one of those “people” who put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.

“I’m going to travel the world to see what makes a woman in different cultures feel beautiful,” Ms. Simpson insists. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson does in fact require some kind of education in that regard. However, she believes that Ms. Simpson should take her educational medicine without a camera for which to perform. Ms. Simpson does not represent America. She does not represent American culture. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson represents nothing more than a spoiled, privileged, sad young woman trying desperately to prove her relevance to an indifferent world.

Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson would undertake such a journey of discovery if last country album had done better?

Not helping are the two “friends” that Ms. Simpson brings along with her. One of them is a fellow named Ken, who does Ms. Simpson’s hair and makeup. In other words, this man is an employee of Ms. Simpson; yet he is described by her as “one of my best friends in the world.”

Poodle Bitch is a dog, so she is unclear on this point: Do humans typically pay their friends to hang out with them?

The other friend, CaCee, “just makes everybody laugh.” That is all we are told of her, although she is shown helping Ms. Simpson pick out clothing with Ken. Poodle Bitch cannot help but infer that the sad, truly friendless Ms. Simpson is paying CaCee to hang out with her, too. As her personal shopper, or stylist, or something equally tragic.

How is Poodle Bitch to enjoy a program when she feels sad for the protagonist? Sadness that gives way to irritation, such as when Ms. Simpson states “The reason I’m going on the journey of beauty in all of these different countries is because I want to find it for myself.” Poodle Bitch wonders what, exactly, “it” is supposed to be in that illiterate sentence? “Beauty”? Poodle Bitch wonders about a human who needs help finding an abstract idea.

Poodle Bitch also wonders why she should care whether a woman who has built her career on having enormous breasts, and shapely legs, but very little in the way of intelligence, ever finds “beauty.”

The first stop for these three sophisticates is Bangkok Thailand. The three are shown being driven in a large automobile, pointing at various landmarks and making inane observations. Poodle Bitch is already considering urinating on her television set.

“It’s a whole—nuther world,” CaCee says. This is the woman who, according to Ms. Simpson, “makes everybody laugh.”

Apparently, she doesn’t make everybody think.

The three are of course “exhausted” from their flight, so they get a Thai massage. Ms. Simpson hopes she doesn’t pass gas, then gasps and cries, “ow!” as her body is contorted by the massage. Has she learned anything about beauty yet?

Thailand’s “beauty ambassador” is a model and actress named Sonia Couling, who hosts Thailand’s version of “America’s Next Top Model.”

Poodle Bitch knows when she is being played for a sucker, and she has now reached her breaking point. The television has gone off. Nothing about this program is serious; it is merely a television vehicle for Ms. Simpson, an excuse for her to take her “friends” with her on a trip around the world, while, for a change, someone else pays them to associate with her.

Poodle Bitch has better things to do with her time.

Pity poor Jessica Simpson. She tried to capitalize on her physical assets, her career faltered, and now she is suddenly concerned about what other cultures consider beautiful.

Photo source.

Somehow, and Against Her Better Judgment, Poodle Bitch Has Fallen Under the Spell of John and Edward

Poodle Bitch is both appalled and fascinated by the antics of "X Factor" contestants John and Edward. There is something about their enthusiasm that almost makes up for their lack of talent. And Poodle Bitch has to admit that she has a high tolerance for true, earnest kitsch. It is both tragic and hilarious-- and more than a little inspiring.

The above clip shows their take on the only Britney Spears song that Poodle Bitch is able to tolerate. Poodle Bitch notes that it is not nearly so good as Richard Thompson's version, but it is still quite exquisite. Exquisite as a painting of a crying clown. Drinking Old Crow.

It is making the rounds now because Simon Cowell called it the worst performance he'd seen on "X Factor." Poodle Bitch doesn't see how this could be. She notes that their Britney Spears-inspired performance (complete with shiny PVC outfits and "Titanic" reference) is not nearly so tragically bizarre as their evisceration of Robbie Williams' "Rock DJ":



Not to be cruel, but Poodle Bitch did not realize it was possible to ruin a Robbie Williams song. Yet Poodle Bitch finds it more than a little unsettling to hear a pair of androgynous halflings of indeterminate age singing,

"Gonna stick it in the goal
It's time to move your body."

Poodle Bitch notes that Danii Minogue spends more time talking about the twins' food-stealing antics than the performance itself. "Not the best vocals," she declares. "But I love the way you entered." Cheryl Cole tells them she admires their perseverance in the face of criticism. She then says, wonderfully, "It's not your fault you're in the final twelve."

Chin up, boys!

Simon Cowell further twists the knife by complimenting their "thick skins." He then tests said "thick skins" by telling them their performance was "a musical nightmare."

The judge who seems most enamored of them, Louis Walsh, then offers his own encouragement: "Not all the pop stars on the charts are great singers."

Poodle Bitch concurs.


Not great singers. But they make a good entrance.

Photograph source.

Poodle Bitch Has Almost Given Up on Project Runway

Poodle Bitch had high hopes for "Project Runway" this season. She has always been a fan of the show, ever since she was an adorable puppy during the first season. She saw it as that rare televised reality competition where merit was rewarded. Where skill was treated with respect.

To be sure, there were designers who advanced in the program who did not deserve to do so. But always, the show managed to keep around those top skilled designers who were most deserving.

This season, however, the program seems to have gone off the rails, almost from the very first episode. There is no way, for instance, that Ari should have been sent home before Mitchell. In fact, Mitchell should have been sent home in each of the first three episodes. The fact that Poodle Bitch actually felt relief when Mitchell did not make it into the fourth episode says much about the judging this season. It has been eccentric. Poodle Bitch does not feel that there is any way that Louise, but most of all Epperson, or Shirin, should have been sent home this early. Not when Christopher, Logan, Gordana, and Althea remain.


Christopher designed something shoddy, and constructed it badly. Saying he should have gone home this week is slightly unfair; he should have gone home long before this.

The poodle companion Irina Shabayeva is so clearly ahead of everyone else that Poodle Bitch has begun to worry she will be sent home next. The only mitigating factor is that Poodle Bitch notes in the teaser for next week's episode, the program will be cut to show that Irina is to be this season's "Kenley."

Yes, in the most recent episode, Irina was called a "b*tch" by Nicholas-- who admitted Irina was a good designer. Poodle Bitch knows that Nicholas intended "the b-word" as an insult, but of course Poodle Bitch does not see it that way. Based on the teaser for next week, Irina will be the "villain" for the duration of her stay. This is rather unfortunate, but it is a television competition. The viewers, Poodle Bitch included, understand the producers can manipulate their days' worth of footage however they want to create a single episode.

Which leads to Poodle Bitch's main problem with the show this year. The producers-- who, according to the program's disclaimer, have a hand in judging decisions-- have been far too visible an influence on the judges. Clearly, Mitchell was kept around for dramatic purposes. Logan was kept last week, while Epperson sent home, to protect the "distracting" dynamic between him and Carol Hannah. Shirin was sent home this week to maintain gender equality. There is no other explanation.


True to form, Logan presented an outfit designed with seemingly no one in mind (no one real, anyway), and stitched it together as if he were lacking opposable thumbs. But the woodland sprite girl Carol Hannah finds him "distracting," so he must be kept on the show.

That said, Poodle Bitch has been utterly mystified by Althea's continued presence. She has done nothing of interest, and has indeed created a couple of quite egregious outfits. Moreover, the producers have found very little footage of her to use the last couple of weeks. One would be forgiven for thinking Althea had already been sent home.

Poodle Bitch is happy to note that she is not the only one to notice the problems with this season. The ratings have taken a serious tumble since the first episode's high.

One factor is that "Runway" has run headfirst into the start of the broadcast fall season, whereas its final Bravo round aired during the summer. Still, "Runway" usually climbs as the finale draws closer no matter what time of year it airs.

Poodle Bitch believes an even more important explanation for the show's continued decline in fortunes is that it has lost sight of what it was. A competition based mostly upon merit. Yes, one or two instigators would get judged less harshly, but the producers' manipulations were always more subtle than they've been this year. The fan base for this show does not come to it for "Flavor of Love" style dramatics. We want to see fantastic garments created by talented designers. Especially this late in the competition. Keeping Mitchell for three episodes was our first sign, but we could only suspect. Sending home Epperson and then Shirin two weeks in a row made it obvious. The producers were trying to make "Project Runway" a different program. Perhaps this was because of the move to Lifetime, or the move to Los Angeles, but whatever the reason, they are losing viewers who are unlikely to return.

As a viewer, it is difficult to take the show seriously anymore. Clearly the producers and judges do not.


Clearly not Shirin's finest moment (and to be fair to her, she was not helped by her sourpuss model), but this rather eclectic look was miles ahead of both Christopher and Logan.

Designs photographs source.

Project Runway 6 Episode 8: Why, Judges-- Why?

Before Poodle Bitch gets started with this week’s episode, she feels compelled to mention three Project Runway-related stories that caught her eye this week. First on her list is the announcement that there will be a Project Runway video game on Nintendo Wii. Not having opposable thumbs, Poodle Bitch derives little pleasure from the playing of video games, so she does not. But she knows that there are some games that come equipped with prop machines, such as the ever-popular “Rock Band,” so perhaps the new Project Runway game will come equipped with a button-filled “sewing machine” attachment. She cannot see how a video game would be of interest otherwise, as much as she enjoys the show.

She is not old enough to remember “Fashion Plates,” the toys from the 1980s that allowed users to “design” outfits by placing tiles in a random order, and then placing a paper over said tiles, then rubbing them with a piece of- actually, Poodle Bitch does not know what it was that one rubbed over the tiles. But she wonders why it is that some enterprising company doesn’t bring out a Project Runway Fashion Plates edition. She imagines that there would be much more interest in that than a video game. The PR audience most likely remembers Fashion Plates; how many of them play video games?



The second story had to do with former Project Runway guest judge Lindsay Lohan, who made her debut as an artistic advisor for Emanuel Ungaro, with predictable results.

Poodle Bitch has to admit that the entire show, which can be seen here, is not the complete train-wreck that she thought it would be; the designs presented there were like middling Project Runway creations-- the types of garments that might land a contestant in the bottom three during the first few episodes, but not get her eliminated. Poodle Bitch doubts that is what the Ungaro collection aspired to.


One of the Ungaro designs on which Lindsay Lohan "advised." Poodle Bitch is not surprised.

The third story is the most sinister, and it has caused Poodle Bitch to wonder if she would ever again watch Project Runway. Recently, fugitive Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland on an outstanding warrant issued when he left America just before he was to be sentenced for his guilty plea, in a case in which he admitted to having physical relations with someone not very much older (chronologically) than Poodle Bitch is now. After his arrest, Project Runway producer Harvey Weinstein began circulating a petition for Mr. Polanski’s release.

Poodle Bitch believes Mr. Polanski should be in jail. Mr. Polanski is an admitted attacker of human children, and should be punished. But she understands there are some who believe that somehow Mr. Polanski was victimized by an unjust court system, and an overzealous prosecutor and judge. Fine. Poodle Bitch can agree to disagree on that; she is not a lawyer.

However, rather than leave the matter at that, Mr. Weinstein then went on to say-- when challenged by others who do know something about the American legal system-- that people in Hollywood, such as himself, have a unique insight into the unfairness or fairness of Mr. Polanski’s situation, because they have “the best moral compass:”

"Hollywood has the best moral compass, because it has compassion," Weinstein said. "We were the people who did the fundraising telethon for the victims of 9/11. We were there for the victims of Katrina and any world catastrophe."

Poodle Bitch has spent some time in Hollywood, and has known many people in and around the entertainment industry. She can tell you that, based on the way they treat their assistants, makeup and hair people, boom operators, marketing people, craft services, and etc, their “compassion” does not always extend to those with whom they directly come into contact. In fact, they are capable of a great deal of cruelty toward those they consider "underlings". Moreover, Poodle Bitch knows plenty of people outside of entertainment who gave a great deal of their time and money for victims of the attacks of September 11, 2001, Hurricane Katrina, and the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami. And for them, their compassion required more than just the rearrangement of the schedule so that they could sit for hair and makeup, and appear on a television program exhibiting just how "compassionate" they were.

To Poodle Bitch, Mr. Weinstein’s comment about Hollywood’s “moral compass” had the feel someone who has admitted he might have made a mistake in his initial assessment of a situation, yet is too proud to back away from it, and insists on doubling down rather than admit he might be wrong. She has never met Mr. Weinstein, so she of course has no way of knowing exactly in which direction his “moral compass” points, but she does know that attacking a small child has earned for those less famous life-damaging punishment.

She wonders, where is Mr. Weinstein’s compassion for those people- especially in light of revelations in Mr. Polanski’s own autobiography that he engaged in at the very least "questionable” behavior with very young women- some might even say girls- on other occasions.

Poodle Bitch decided that, despite her misgivings over Mr. Weinstein’s participation, she would watch, for the sake of the poodle companion Irina. She cannot resist- she must see how Irina does with the competition. Early in the episode, she interviews that she understands that there are some who are worried about her, as she has already won two challenges, while many of them have won nothing.


Yes, the other contestants should be worried by the talent and taste of the poodle companion Irina, who has shown with each week that she is one of the top designers.

And Logan interviews that “Irina seems to have this more sophisticated taste that’s been appealing to the judges.” To which Poodle Bitch would reply, in a word that even Logan can understand, “Duh.” She would also add that poodle companions are known for their sophisticated taste. Otherwise, why would a poodle associate with them?

For this week’s challenge, the designers had to create new garments out of divorcee’s wedding dresses. They had their pick from among nine women who had been divorced or in the process of getting divorced for a period of months or several years (more than ten, in a couple of cases). Irina, having won the last challenge- and rightly so- had first pick, and chose the woman whose dress had the most lace.

Shirin, who chose last, had no real choice at all, and was stuck with a simple white 100% polyester dress that yielded very little material for her to work with. Moreover, her “client” wanted something like a Cher “Half-Breed” costume. Shirin, who is Poodle Bitch’s second choice, has better taste than that.


Shirin's "client" wanted something like this. WANTED something like this. Happily, Shirin has taste.

That said, Shrin spent so much of the episode crying, whining, and complaining about it that Poodle Bitch was sure she would either win or be sent home. “It’s hard to show design when you don’t have any fabric.”

Then Gordana, who last week had the benefit of working with Irina on the team challenge, spent a good deal of time crying and recalling her own divorce, and wiped away tears with dye-stained hands as she left a phone message for her children.

Christopher’s design “worries” Mr. Gunn. Christopher attempts to reassure him, but Mr. Gunn remains skeptical.

Mr. Gunn, having fine taste, loves what Irina is doing. “How did you get this gorgeous color?” he asks her. “I think what you’re doing is very exciting. Keep going.”

He is no fool, and Poodle Bitch heartily agrees with his assessment.


Nicolas showed contempt for his "client's" taste, and it showed in this reckless monstrosity of ugly pants topped by a doily.

Mr. Gunn wonders about Epperson’s design. The core of the garment has to be the wedding dress. Ominously, he adds, “You have a lot of decisions to make.” And Epperson’s decision is to totally scrap what he’s been doing and create an entirely new garment. Perhaps, he wonders, he misunderstood the challenge.

Logan says that his “look” is “sort of a play on a tuxedo feel,” with a mumbly voice and little conviction. “This worries me,” Mr. Gunn says, as ominously as he’d said to Epperson. For some reason, Logan is making pants out of wool, or something- something that is not material from the wedding dress, which had a surprisingly long train.

Poodle Bitch wonders what a designer of real skill and talent, such as the put-upon Shirin, might have done with it.


Logan designs ugly clothes, then constructs them poorly. He is a double threat.

Gordana’s work gets a “beautiful” out of Mr. Gunn, and Poodle Bitch has to agree with him. “I want you to keep saying to yourself ‘I’m going to win, I’m going to win,’” he tells her. Poodle Bitch would not go that far, not with Irina in the room, but she appreciates that Mr. Gunn is attempting to inspire Gordana.

But Gordana got to work with Irina last week- shouldn’t that be inspiration enough?

Mr. Gunn offers Shirin a shoulder on which to cry. As she explains what her divorcee wants, the other designers laugh at her. “What?” Mr. Gunn asks, incredulous at the thought of someone wanting to look like Cher’s “Half-Breed” in 2009. “She’s not at risk of going home,” Mr. Gunn tells her. He adds that she should remove the textiles she’s placed on the mannequin and “just play, like it’s a big giant paper doll.”

Or, a Fashion Plate?


Althea's silly blue dress was not the worst this week. Poodle Bitch believes it was a bad week.

Mr. Gunn is not shown speaking to the talentless Althea, the annoying and casually cruel Nicolas (who says that he hates his garment, then tells his “client” that is is “so you”), or the woodland sprite Carol Hannah (who says that she makes her living creating wedding dresses, and so tearing them up to create something else is akin to running into a church and shouting an obsenity). Poodle Bitch does not feel she’s missing much.


Carol Hannah eschewed Woodland Sprite for Flapper Knockoff. Far from Poodle Bitch's least favorite, yet equally far from Poodle Bitch's most favorite.

Michael Kors is still back, but Nina Garcia is nowhere to be found. In her place is a Marie Claire editor, Zanna Roberts, and the president of Jimmy Choo and a board member of Halston, Tamara Mellon. This is off-topic, but upon hearing that Ms. Mellon was a board member of Halston, Poodle Bitch was unable to get the Billy Joel song “Big Shot” out of her head.

There are worse songs to get stuck in one’s head, she supposes. Cher’s “Halfbreed,” for instance.


Given the trauma induced by the lack of material-- and said material being 100% polyester and therefore, according to Shirin undye-able, Poodle Bitch believes that Shirin at least deserved second place after Irina.

Irina’s garment is first down the runway, and that is fitting, because it is Poodle Bitch’s favorite. Next is Shirin, which is again appropriate, since it would have been Poodle Bitch’s second choice. Then comes Logan’s matronly top and wool pants. Poodle Bitch does not wish to be cruel, but these garments have the look of something designed and executed by an incompetent dullard- which is what they are. She feels bad for the “client.” Next is Carol Hannah’s flapper update- Poodle Bitch feels she is flashing back to Gordana’s dress of two weeks ago, updated just slightly enough to keep Carol Hannah out of the bottom three. Althea’s design is a silly light blue dress with dark blue bosoms. She claims that “seeing my dress come down the runway made me feel good,” which should get her disqualified on the spot. At least it is not “stripper chic” such as she sent down the runway last week. Nicolas shows enough self-awareness to claim that his granola-inspired pants and doily shrug top was “a hideous thing,” and Poodle Bitch finds herself liking him in spite of herself. Next is Gordana’s dress, and Poodle Bitch very much likes this one, too. It is both well-made and edgy. Then, Christopher sends down his “client” in a trashbag cinched at the waist. It makes Poodle Bitch feel terrible to look at. Finally, Epperson sends down his voluminous pirate dress.


Gordana's dress is declared the winning design. Poodle Bitch agrees it belonged in the top three- but to win? Over Irina and Shirin?

Gordana is declared the winner, and Poodle Bitch cannot get too upset over that. Irina and Shirin also make the top three, which is a rare moment of good taste from the judges.


Christopher sent his "client" down the runway in a trashbag. This was terrible, but it was not the worst garment this week.

The bottom three are Epperson, Christopher, and Logan. The judges had too many choices for the bottom- in fact, Gordana, Irina, and Shirin had the only garments that Poodle Bitch would consider “good.” The bottom two should have been Christopher and Logan, with Logan, whose work and attitude make Poodle Bitch wonder if he is not mentally challenged, going home.

Instead, the bottom two are Logan and Epperson, and Epperson is the one who gets the boot. Poodle Bitch wonders if Logan is too good-looking to send home this early in the competition. That is the only reason that she can see for sending home Epperson. She truly has no interest in seeing what Logan comes up with in the future.


Poodle Bitch invites the reader to decide- Was this truly the worst design of the week? Or was Epperson cast aside because he handled himself with too much aplomb, and not enough "sex appeal"?

Fashion Plates photograph source.
Project Runway designs photographs source.
Cher Half-Breed photograph source.

Project Runway 6 Episode 7: Who Really Deserves to Be There?

Poodle Bitch today knows true happiness, and the satisfaction that can only come from seeing true justice served on a reality television competition. This week’s seventh episode of “Project Runway” has truly given Poodle Bitch something to smile about.

She will resist the temptation to spoil the episode upfront, and will instead plow into her description of the episode.

It begins with Gordana inaccurately stating that all remaining designers deserve to be here. The irony, of course, is that Gordana herself does not deserve to be there. In Poodle Bitch’s estimation it is the poodle companion Irina, the whimsical Shirin, and the dignified Epperson who most deserve to be there. Beyond those three, Poodle Bitch has seen little to excite her.

Logan moves in with Nicolas, Christopher, and Epperson, and “the four boys” make a pact to try to get rid of “the girls." Talentless Nicolas jokes that they’re targeting Shirin. Poodle Bitch does not believe that Shirin has anything to fear from Nicolas.

Unfortunately, Nicolas has immunity this week, after his undeserved “win” last week.


This week, Althea designed something for the trampy businesswoman who wants easy access for a quick nooner during her lunch break. Poodle Bitch is appalled.

Martine Reardon, from Macy’s, tells the designers that their challenge is to create two designs that will be appropriate for the Macy’s “Inc” line. The winner will be commissioned by Macy’s to create a holiday dress that will be sold by Macy’s online.

Mr. Gunn tells the designers that they will be working in teams of two- each designer will get 15 minutes to create a pitch for Ms. Reardon. Her choices for five best will be team leaders, and will choose from the also-rans who will work under them.

Carol Hannah, who in the first episode claimed to create fashions for woodland sprites, interviews that she feels she has a good chance of winning this challenge because she’s so “down to earth about fashion.” She understands the typical Macy’s shopper, she “can see what they’re looking for.”

Poodle Bitch has only once been to Macy’s, when she was temping for a seeing eye dog, but if Carol Hannah is in touch with the typical Macy’s shopper, Poodle Bitch has little incentive to return.

Louise is surprised by how subdued the Inc line is. Her plan of creating something more outrageous will have to wait.

Ms. Reardon displays good taste by selecting poodle companion Irina as the first team captain. No surprise that Irina created the best pitch, and got the first selection.

With her second choice, Ms. Reardon displays an erratic nature, by choosing Irina’s nemesis, the lackluster and dull Althea. Althea interviews how wonderful it is for her to be chosen as “the boss” for yet another team challenge. Poodle Bitch would advise her not to let it go to her head; she is still a terrible designer.

Ms. Reardon’s third choice shows her to be almost worrisomely bizarre, when she selects the woodland sprite girl Carol Hannah. Apparently she is in touch with the typical Macy’s shopper.

Ms. Reardon seems to be on firmer ground, to Poodle Bitch’s estimation, with her fourth choice, Christopher.


Christopher's "disco pumpkin." Poodle Bitch can easily imagine that phrase entering the vernacular of the club scene. She hears that the Scissor Sisters are already working on a song with that title.

Fifth is Louise. That gets a “wow” out of Mr. Gunn. Poodle Bitch wonders if the comment was for Louise specifically, or for the fact that only one of the four team captains was truly worthy of the honor bestowed upon them?

Althea selects Logan; Christopher takes Epperson; Louise suffers a lapse in judgment and selects Nicolas,; Irina, troublingly, cannot decide between Gordana and Shirin, and asks them to decide. Being no dummy, Gordana says, “I like (to) work with you,” and a team is formed; Carol Hannah is therefore left with Shirin. There is no way that Shirin should have been chosen last. Poodle Bitch has a hard time believing that Shirin did not also present one of the five best designs. Poodle Bitch wonders about Ms. Reardon’s eye.

Poodle Bitch must say she is disappointed by Irina’s indecision. At mood, she seems to let Gordana get the best of her, while the partner she should have had, Shirin, is footloose and fancy free with the woodland sprite girl.

At least she didn’t forget her money and drawing, as Louise did.

Woodland sprite girl is worried about delegating the work. Along those same lines, Irina interviews that team challenges are aggravating, because she has to do her portion of the work, and look over the other person’s shoulder. Poodle Bitch is starting to worry that the show is being edited in such a way as to prepare for an Irina exit.

Nicolas complains to Althea about Louise’s design. But he does like her bird noises. Louise seems to have waited until very late in the game, or the producers decided to wait until now to show us, just how “quirky” she really is. Yes, Louise makes bird noises when she works, along with a few others that Poodle Bitch found indecipherable. Perhaps she was mimicking the sounds of a disappointed sewing machine- one that is not employed in the creation of garments by the lovely poodle companion Irina?

Epperson tells Christopher that, unlike his previous team challenge, he actually respects his partner. Christopher is incorporating Epperson’s ideas into the design. “It’s us,” he says. Now, of course, Poodle Bitch is starting to worry about Christopher and Epperson.

Mr. Gunn doesn’t like leggings, as he tells team woodland sprite. Yet he concedes that the team’s designs have the potential to knock people’s socks off.

He is concerned about the ruffle on Louise’s dress. He trusts them to catch anything that goes awry.

He likes Althea’s unstereotypical woman’s suit.

He exposes fissures in the team of Irina and Gordana.

He loves Christopher’s shirt dress, except for the textiles. It shows a lot of “potential for reinvention.” Naturally, Christopher and Epperson are over the moon about the compliment.

Irina worries that Gordana’s dress is “sort of a disaster.”

Nicolas complains that “ruffles make me sick.” They were created to hide flaws, he says. Poodle Bitch must grudgingly admit that she agrees with him, to a certain extent. She is not made ill by ruffles, but she is not a designer. Perhaps if she were, she would feel more strongly about them.

She feels very strongly about black olives.

Woodland sprite has a “mini freak out” in her head. She apparently does that every night. Irina says their stuff looks like “it was like bought in a discount store.” Poodle Bitch would not be quite so harsh in her assessment; but, the designs do not compare favorably with Irina’s.


Poodle Bitch is curious as to just how much Shirin did to make Team Woodland Sprite's designs so palatable to her. She finds it difficult to believe that Carol Hannah could have come up with clothing that did not thoroughly irritate Poodle Bitch's sensibilities.

Next day, Irina interviews that she is not nervous. Yet, her dress makes her feel sad, because of the blue.

Gordana is frustrated by what she terms a “lack of direction” from Irina. This is not good. Poodle Bitch is again feeling nervous about Irina’s chances.

Christopher believes his is “the dream team.” Nicolas is glad he has immunity.

Poodle Bitch is quite happy to see that Michael Kors is back. Zanna Roberts, senior fashion editor for Marie Claire magazine is sitting in for the sadly absent Nina Garcia, and Martine Reardon is the last other judge.

Heidi says “one or more will be out.” The contestants give one another ominous, portentous looks. Will two of them be going home? Three? If they sent home everyone who didn’t “deserve to be there,” then, at least according to Gordana, none of them will be going home.

Irina is content, and Gordana confident, with their designs.


Irina's beautiful dress. What is there to say other than, Poodle Bitch wishes she were human, if only for five minutes, so that she could luxuriate in it? As it is, she would be happy to lay upon it, on her pillow under the bed.

Logan’s and Althea’s skirt keeps riding up the model’s legs. It is the first interesting thing that either of them has been involved with on the show.

The rest of the designs are rather unmemorable, Poodle Bitch has to say. At least, she can’t remember any of them.

Irina and Gordana, and Woodland Sprite and Shirin, have the highest scores. Poodle Bitch is relieved and delighted.

Irina tells the judges that she wanted Gordana to come out of her shell more. Gordana is a designer, and she should take Irina’s “lack of direction” as a compliment. Irina did not believe that Gordana needed a lot of direction. Heidi tells Irina that she would wear her dress today. “You actually gave us a pattern,” Michael Kors says.

The judges are complimentary to the team woodland sprite designs as well, but Poodle Bitch is too happy to hear Irina’s compliments to pay them much attention.

As for the lowest scores, Louise and Nicolas leave the judges confused. The ruffles are very overstated. “This looks like a bride’s maid’s dress with a shower loofah rouched up the front of it,” Michael Kors says. “No modern girl wants to wear that dress.”

Heidi tells Nicolas he’s lucky he has immunity.

Heidi is blown away by what Epperson and Christopher put together. This is not a compliment. Part of his dress looks like it has a bib at the top. The shirtdress, the one that Mr. Gunn said had the potential to be reinventive, looks like a librarian’s shirt dress from 1979, according to Mr. Kors. “It looks like a tablecloth.” The other is a “teal, charmuse disco pumpkin… Did you really think they went together? They don’t.”

Christopher starts to cry. But it is too difficult to feel sorry for him, for-

Irina wins! Poodle Bitch could not be happier. Once again, for some reason, the judges made the proper decision. (Could it be because Michael Kors has returned? No- Poodle Bitch seems to recall that he was around during at least one of the weeks when Mitchell was retained.) Poodle Bitch is pleased.


Poodle companion Irina and the dress she designed for Macy's Inc line.

Louise and Christopher are in the bottom two. Heidi informs them “one, or both of you, will be out.” She then witheringly puts them in their place. She uses language that is so brutal that Poodle Bitch is surprised that either of them is able to remain standing.

Unsurprisingly, Louise is out. Also unsurprisingly, Christopher remains to design another day. Did they really think we would fall for that “one or more of you will be out” statement?


Poodle Bitch wonders if Louise's design was so much worse than the stripper chic Althea sent tramping down the runway?

Irina and Inc dress photograph source.
Design photographs source.

Project Runway 6 Episode 6: Life is Unfair, and So Are the Judges

The designers are taken to a movie studio lot- it looks like it might be the Fox lot, but Poodle Bitch is unsure. She does not regularly visit studio lots; she is not one of the “beautiful poodles.” Tim Gunn and Collier Strong tell the designers that their next challenge will be to choose a film genre, and create an outfit for a character from that genre.

As the winner of the previous challenge (and deservedly so), poodle companion Irina is given the chance to select first. She rather sensibly chooses film noir. Poodle Bitch has to say that she is a bit disappointed; Irina has immunity, and could really have let her “inhibitions run wild” (sorry, she has Rod Stewart on the brain, for some reason) with something like science fiction; but, no matter. Irina is the top designer, and Poodle Bitch has faith.

The designers’ names are pulled from a bag at random by Mr. Gunn.

Logan chooses action adventure. Given the way some of the models talk about Logan on “Models of the Runway,” Poodle Bitch is sure that they will disappointed that “pornography” was not a genre up for selection.

Carol Hannah does not pick woodland fairy, she , too, chooses action adventure. Perhaps she’ll make something for Legolas?

Ra’mon takes science fiction. He interviews that he grew up watching “sci fi,” and knows all about “Star Wars” and “Star Trek.” Poodle Bitch is not a snob about speculative fiction like a certain human with whom she lives, so she will refrain from making comments on the science fictional worth of the two “Star” series, “Wars” and “Trek.”

Louise goes obvious and selects “film noir.” “That has your name written all over it,” as Mr. Gunn says. Poodle Bitch has watched enough reality to know that this is what’s called “foreshadowing.”

Althea also chooses film noir, and now Poodle Bitch is confused. She thought there were only two of each genre. How can poodle companion Irina, Louise, and dull as dishwater Althea all select the same genre?

Gordana selects period piece.

Nicolas unsurprisingly selects science fiction. Did he not do some kind of ridiculous straight out of Philip K Dick’s most fevered Valis inspired nightmare outfit last week?


Nicolas designed these (along with Gordana, in fairness to him- but he did most of the design work) a few weeks ago. Poodle Bitch believes no comment is necessary- this criticizes itself.

Christopher selects period piece.

This leaves two “westerns” left, for Shirin and Epperson. No one wanted to do any western-inspired outfits, for some reason. Poodle Bitch thinks this might be an interesting way for certain designers to stand out. She has to admit that “film noir” is probably a bit too easy for most of these designers.

Epperson complains that he wanted “period piece,” but Poodle Bitch would like to point out that, by definition, westerns are period pieces. It is all in how one looks at it.

The designers are immediately taken off the (Fox?) lot and back to the Fashion Institute, which makes little sense to Poodle Bitch. Why bother taking them to the lot in the first place, if they’re only going to spend five minutes picking genres? They could have done that at the Institute. Even worse, the designers are informed that this is a one-day challenge. They have until midnight tonight to finish. So they spent two hours each way, in traffic, traveling to the lot that served only as a pretty backdrop, and now have until midnight to create their clothing?

Epperson begins by thinking of John Wayne, which won’t help him to design a gown.

Shirin starts thinking “saloon girl.” Poodle Bitch is a big fan of the television show “Deadwood,” and she does not understand why these designers are so down on western wear. There is plenty of interest to be done with it.

Carol Hannah is foregoing the “woodland sprite” look, and doing a sexy assassin. Poodle Bitch would ironically point out that that hasn’t been done before.

Logan apparently has a crush on Carol Hannah. “She’s nice to have around,” he interviews, with timid charm. Regular viewers of “Models of the Runway” know that Logan could have his pick from among almost any of the models, so his interest in Carol Hannah is both unfortunate and misplaced. Regardless, Poodle Bitch hopes that he has a happy life.

Oh, and Logan is designing a “military esque-slash-like sword fighter.” This is just another way of saying “sexy assassin look.”

For her part, Carol Hannah thinks Logan is “distracting” and “hot.” Don’t get burned!

Nicolas says that he’s out in fantasy land. In his own world. Given his feelings about his own work, Poodle Bitch would agree with that.

Althea says she likes “the sort of femme fatale woman, very sort of classic, edgy.” Poodle Bitch would like to point out to Althea that “femme fatale woman” is a redundancy, and there is very little that is “edgy” about a fashion designer being inspired by films noir. If Althea really were “edgy,” she would have selected “western” as her genre. As it is, Poodle Bitch is far more interested to see what “Trekker” Ra’mon comes up with.

Irina feels she doesn’t need immunity.

Christopher worries his interpretation of “period piece” might confuse the judges. If someone like, say, Nicolas who makes the same thing over and over again and has very little in the way of actual inspiration, were to say this, Poodle Bitch might consider it an example of hubris, but given Christopher’s relative skill, and the way the judges have judged this season, Poodle Bitch shares his concern.

Epperson makes the valid point that Poodle Bitch had been thinking. “’Western’ is a ‘period’,” he says. But it is his job to make “western” an exclamation.


Epperson has been creating good designs from the first episode. Why has he not yet won any of the challenges?

Someone keeps stealing Louise’s bobbins. Even as she sews, she is still working on her concept. More foreshadowing. Poodle Bitch is beginning to worry for her.

Mr. Gunn doesn’t like Christopher’s bare-armed gown for his Victorian vampire bride.

Epperson has embraced the western genre. “Annie get your gun,” Mr. Gunn says appreciatively. He is seduced by Epperson’s ruffles. Poodle Bitch would love to make something that seduces Tim Gunn.

Ra’mon’s human alien hybrid skin-like jumpsuit could be “sublime, or a big, hot mess.”

Louise needs to be less minimal.

Nicolas is told to exaggerate and go bigger. Poodle Bitch agrees. Nicolas is dull. He is so dull that part of his time with Mr. Gunn is taken up with an expression of worry about Ra’mon’s design. When Nicolas thinks of “sci fi,” he thinks of beautiful, not Godzilla. Ra’mon is twice the designer you are, Nicolas. Ra’mon is skilled and serious. You are silly.

But now Ra’mon is second-guessing himself. “It’s Kermit the frog gone wrong.” He’s going to start from scratch. A dress? A coat? Despite the fact that Ra’mon almost single-handedly saved Mitchell from elimination in the third episode, Poodle Bitch is beginning to worry about him.

Irina barely finishes her dress. Poodle Bitch has to say that she is not heartened by the small glimpses she has gotten from the editing.

This week’s judges are John Varvatos (Poodle Bitch is unsure of who he is, but she seems to vaguely recall finding herself on his email list, for some reason), Marie Claire editor Zoe Glassner , and Academy Award nominated designer Arianne Phillips.

Poodle Bitch needn’t have worried. Irina’s model looks dangerous and elegant.

Carol Hannah’s model looks like a character from “The Matrix.” Excuse Poodle Bitch while she yawns.

The same can be said for Logan’s. It looks like their pillow talk involved exchanging design ideas.


Ra'mon won such praise for the tiedye dress, which almost saved Mitchell. Can he go back to the well again (or, should Poodle Bitch say "toilet"? she has read that the above dress was dyed in one).

Oh, how Poodle Bitch wants to love Ra’mon’s design- and she does. Alas, it is the execution that lets him down. It looks like it was thrown together at the last minute, as it likely was.

Poodle Bitch’s favorites were Irina, Epperson Christopher, and Ra’mon. Her least favorites were Carol Hannah, Logan, and Nicolas. Irina, Carol Hannah, and Logan ended up in the middle, and are excused from the runway.

The judges think Gordana’s design is too dull, and too derivative. Poodle Bitch agrees.

Nicolas’s silly ice queen dress impresses the judges, for some reason. “Clever, bold, and risky,” Zoe says. Poodle Bitch would use the more appropriate adjectives, “Uninspired, safe, and boring” to describe the outfit. The hair and makeup, on the other hand, are quite interesting.

They call Louise’s dress boring and unspecial. This after praising Nicolas. Poodle Bitch wonders how it is that we are to take the judges seriously. Where is Michael Kors? Where is Nina Garcia?

Christopher’s mixing of eras gets praise from the judges.

The judges don’t like Ra’mon’s dress, much as they like his story. “Hot green mess,” Heidi says.

They did like Epperson’s denim and leather dress, with it seductive ruffles.

But it’s Nicolas’s ice queen that “blew away” the judges. How could the judges have gotten it so right last week, and so wrong this week? Nicolas’s dress might have been well-made, but it showed none of the inspiration of Ra’mon’s.

Ra’mon is sent home. Poodle Bitch cannot believe it. The judges must be smoking something that takes away their common sense. Carol Hannah, Logan, Althea, Gordana, and Nicolas are all far lesser designers, who "played it safe." Yet they are given passes, and in Nicolas's case, an undeserved victory.

This season has certainly tested Poodle Bitch. She understands that life is unfair, and the best designers are often treated shabbily by the vaguaries of fate, but must “Project Runway” so closely mirror that fact?

Ra'mon design picture source.
Nicolas design picture source.
Epperson design picture source.