Briefly noted with Poodle Bitch: Should Poodle Bitch start listening to P!nk?; the power of Craigslist; Newt Gingrich's magnanimity; infernal cats

Poodle Bitch was deeply touched to read of the generosity displayed by the musical performer P!nk, who paid $5,000 to provide surgery and other medical care to a shockingly mistreated canine.

Sources tell TMZ ... P!nk was surfing the Internet recently, when she stumbled upon a story about a puppy that had been thrown off an L.A. overpass ... and suffered 3 broken legs when it landed in the L.A. river.

We're told the dog was in bad shape ... and required major surgery FAST ... or else.

That's when P!nk sprung into action -- contacting the Ace of Hearts animal rescue organization and offering to pay for any medical expense it took to save the dog's life.

In fact, Poodle Bitch was made dizzy by the whiplash between bizarre, unwarranted cruelty and kindness and decency contained within those few hundred words on TMZ's site. Perhaps it was this dizziness that explains her stumbling upon the following music video by Ms. P!nk:

"So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways."

Poodle Bitch at first thought that this was a song about "just being yourself, no matter what," the type of lesson that used to come from Afterschool Specials so many human years ago. But, a careful examination of the lyrics reveals that in fact this is a paean to P!nk herself, in the guise of a fan recruitment anthem. As long as you are "wrong," in a manner deemed acceptable to P!nk, you may join her. Those of you who are not "wrong" in the "right ways," which is to say, "correct," well, then, P!nk is passing judgment against you.

She, P!nk, makes the judgment for or against you. And if you make the cut, then you are one of her underdogs. And as for those underdogs, they,

will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks

Which obviously leaves out Poodle Bitch. She thinks it is fair to say that she will never be a nitty gritty, dirty little freak. She has, however, been known to get a bit "loud," especially when a certain Deutscher Schäferhund goes strutting down the sidewalk past her home. Poodle Bitch wonders if that would be enough to pass muster with P!nk. She rather hopes not; while she willingly raises a glass in honor of the musical performer's generosity toward a dog in need, she fears she has already heard more than enough of her music.

Poodle Bitch is happy to note that it isn't just composers of self aggrandizing dance music who are capable to showing compassion to canines. A human school teacher in San Antonio, Texas was able to buy a few more days of life for a blind dog named Stevie Oedipus Wonder -- and in that time, his human companion was found:

On Dec. 11, Stevie showed up at Animal Care Services. A collar and tag kept him alive for five days, Jeanne Saadi, the agency's live release coordinator, said. But with outdated information, the agency failed to find his owners and prepared to euthanize him.

That's when Brooke Orr, a high school teacher, saw the agency's ad seeking a home for the blind dog. She agreed to care for Stevie over the holidays, buying him a few more days.
...
"I thought that he must belong to someone. So I went to Craigslist and went to lost and found and I put in 'blind dog,' and there he was," she said.

Poodle Bitch will admit to some confusion after reading the entire story. Firstly, who would mistreat any animal, most especially a dog born without eyes? Poodle Bitch can't imagine what it must be like to be unable to watch certain reality television programs, view great works of art, and to have to rely solely on her sense of hearing and smell to know when a certain Deutscher Schäferhund happens to be walking past. And, of course, she loves to see the faces of her human companions. Such animals should be treated with extra care.

Secondly, why did Ms. Gutierrez's landlord tell her that Mr. Oedipus Wonder was deceased?

Thirdly, why wasn't the information on Mr. Oedipus Wonder's tag correct?



Regardless, Poodle Bitch is gratified that Mr. Oedipus Wonder has been reunited with a family that loves him. And, if she could, Poodle Bitch would sit through at least one of Ms. Orr's classes -- she apparently teaches English as a second language; English is in fact Poodle Bitch's second language.

Poodle Bitch does not follow human politics, for what she believes are reasons so obvious that she will not elucidate them here. Yet it happened that she came across an item about one particular candidate for human president of the United States, a man with the rather bestial-sounding name "Newt." Apparently, this human claims to have softhearted feelings toward animals.

The campaign said today that it will soon launch a “Pets With Newt” site aimed at Gingrich’s love for animals, intended to show a “lighter side” of the candidate. “As speaker I made it possible for people in public housing to keep their pets in 1988. I love pets so we’re going to have an entire project,” Gingrich said.

Gingrich doesn’t have any pets at this time, but he told ABC News today he and his wife Callista want a dog in the White House, and it’s a friendly disagreement between the couple over what kind and size of dog. Callista wants a small dog and Newt wants a large dog, though he says dogs like a Great Dane are a little too large.

Poodle Bitch appreciates the obvious magnanimity that Mr. Gingrich displayed in making it possible for people in public housing to keep their pets. Obviously, such power should be wielded only by the most benignant. Perhaps that is why so many "pets" seem to be "with Newt," at least if the website is to believed. Poodle Bitch wonders if any of those animals knew that, when their companions were taking their photos, they'd end up as campaign propaganda for this human:



Poodle Bitch was reminded of the canine companion-related antics of another presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Apparently, Mr. Romney once put an animal crate on top of his car and drove some great distance. Poodle Bitch is unclear about the details, but at least one New York Times columnist has the story down, and mentions it at every opportunity:

Gail Collins loves telling the story of how Mitt Romney drove his family to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car -- and telling it, and telling it, and telling it.

The liberal New York Times columnist has mentioned the incident in print 19 times, by our count. She devoted a column to the incident in 2007 when Romney first ran for president. In another column, she suggested John McCain pick Romney for his running mate "so I can repeatedly revisit the time Mitt drove to Canada with the family dog on the station-wagon roof." And when Sarah Palin was picked instead, and Collins opined that "unlike Mitt Romney, she has never gone on vacation with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car."

Poodle Bitch has met plenty of dogs with a "sense of adventure" who might enjoy riding along on the roof of a car. That in itself does not particularly shock or disturb Poodle Bitch-- most especially considering that the alternative to the roof ride is to spend time in a motor vehicle with a politician. However, Poodle Bitch notes that dogs have nonverbal ways of communicating their distress with a situation. Apparently, Mr. Romney's dog did so:

As the oldest son, Tagg Romney commandeered the way-back of the wagon, keeping his eyes fixed out the rear window, where he glimpsed the first sign of trouble. ''Dad!'' he yelled. ''Gross!'' A brown liquid was dripping down the back window, payback from an Irish setter who'd been riding on the roof in the wind for hours.

As the rest of the boys joined in the howls of disgust, Romney coolly pulled off the highway and into a service station. There, he borrowed a hose, washed down Seamus and the car, then hopped back onto the highway. It was a tiny preview of a trait he would grow famous for in business: emotion-free crisis management.

Poodle Bitch notes that, at best, Seamus required more bathroom breaks than he was being allowed. At worst, he was so nervous about his traveling situation that he could not control his bowels. But at least Mr. Romney got a chance to show his "emotion-free crisis management;" while the animal actually experiencing the crisis got to... ride on the roof the rest of the way to Canada. And then, presumably, back to Boston.

And what does Mr. Romney have to say about this?



"Shrug."

And now Poodle Bitch will go back to ignoring politics. However, she finds it impossible to ignore cats. She has often wondered at the humans who willingly keep these passive aggressive manipulators in their homes, and now she has even more evidence that the creatures are not entirely to be trusted.

Tempted by the playful antics of that adorable kitten in the pet shop? If you've never had a cat before you may want to think again, especially if you have other allergies, researchers warn.

And if you do acquire a feline, keep it out of your bedroom.

While having a cat as a child may protect against future allergies, getting one in adulthood nearly doubles the chances of developing an immune reaction to it -- the first step towards wheezing, sneezing and itchy eyes, a European study found.

The same study, which covered thousands of adults and was published in The Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology, found that people with other allergies were at extra high risk of reacting to a new feline in the house.

Poodle Bitch notes that adult humans who are considering getting a cat should instead consider the delightful poodle. She is willing to concede, however, that the reader might consider her to be biased. So instead she will quote from a Mr. Malcolm Dupris at barkbytes.com, who states:

One advantage of the Poodle's coat is it is so dense that hair and dander do not easily fall off of the dog, therefore people with allergies are not as afflicted around Poodles as they would be around some other breeds.

But Poodle Bitch would be doing a disservice to the reader if she did not offer more from Mr. Dupris:

All Poodles are quick learners, are energetic, can be comical, and are natural born performers. Their intelligence is quite remarkable, some owners swear their Poodles are capable of reasoning, and they are very attuned to mood in their environment. The Poodle is also very versatile. This breed of dog has been used for hunting, retrieving, they have performed in circus' and as a war dog.

Poodle Bitch wonders why all humans don't have at least one poodle companion, given their remarkable intelligence. She also believes that "War Dog" is a fine title for a Steven Spielberg film. Or, perhaps, "War Bitch."

Stevie Oedipus Wonder picture source.

Briefly noted with Poodle Bitch: Bret Michaels's "Pets Rock" products; PETA's chickens and sharks, and the Disney Channel's blogging dog program

Poodle Bitch does not believe in the concept of "guilty pleasures." If in fact she finds pleasure in something, that is in itself enough justification for liking it. "Guilt" is something that weak people use to establish power over everyone else. And as for fearing the judgment of others, well, if you'll pardon Poodle Bitch for saying so, She does not care what others think of her.

This is why she wears her appreciation for reality television star Bret Michaels on her metaphorical sleeve. This skeevy charmer starred for three seasons on various incarnations of the "Rock of Love" dating franchise, ostensibly looking for true love by putting a bevy of questionable women through their paces. Having them play football in the mud, for example. And dance on strippers poles.

Poodle Bitch would not turn down a tomato slice from Bret Michaels.

These programs were magical, providing as they did a rare insight into the mating rituals of humans.

Of course, Poodle Bitch was being ironic in that previous sentence. Not about the "Rock of Love" programs being magical, because without question they were, but rather about these programs providing insights into the mating rituals of humans. It actually provided insight into the lengths to which human beings will go to achieve a modicum of fame-- or perhaps Poodle Bitch should say notoriety-- on a moderately popular television program.

At the center was Mr. Michaels. While the twenty women swirling about him got smashed on Tequila and fought belligerently about who was really there "for Bret," he remained a calm mixture of bemusement mingled with fascination, with a dash of physical attraction. Poodle Bitch admits that she found Mr. Michaels to be a charismatic center around which to build such a program.

The less said about his "Life as I Know it," featuring the girlfriend that he had even as he was filming those "Rock of Love" programs, the better. (Actually, Poodle Bitch can't even remember "Life as I Know it," couldn't even remember the title of the program until she googled it.)

Anyway. Poodle Bitch is happy to note that Mr. Michaels is apparently a "pet enthusiast," and has just answered her unasked prayer by launching his own line of pet products.

“As a musician who loves animals, I’m thrilled to be collaborating with PetSmart to create the Bret Michaels Pets Rock collection,” said Michaels. “As a dedicated pet owner myself, this is a natural partnership for me, and I can’t wait to unveil the collection. I know my own pets rock, and I wanted to design a line of pet products every bit as fun and cool as they are.”

Poodle Bitch wonders why Mr. Michaels mentioned his being a "musician," yet neglected to remind us of his reality television history. In fact, Poodle Bitch enjoys him so much as a reality show character that she actually watched a few episodes of a show featuring that annoying vituperation Donald Trump, just so that she could see him. That said, she is happy that Mr. Michaels loves animals (humans are animals), but she dislikes his use of the term "pet owner." Poodle Bitch prefers to think of herself as a companion, not a piece of property. She encourages Mr. Michaels to listen to Todd Rundgren's classic song "Property" for a primer on the negative connotations of that word.



The website doesn't as yet have any product information, so Poodle Bitch is left to wonder: Will there be "Doggy Style Thongs"? Tequila and Doritos flavored treats? Stripper Pole Pussy Scratching Posts?

As much as Poodle Bitch admires and appreciates Mr. Michaels, she would prance over his brain-hemorrhoiding body for one piece of chicken breast. That is why she must admit she found the following image from the New York Times so mouthwateringly appealing:



Poodle Bitch had roughly the same reaction to that photo that Mr. Michaels must have when he enters a gynecologist's office.

The accompanying article, about the rise of chicken skin as a savory among certain "foodies," is certainly less provocative than the above image suggests. For one thing, the skin that this small group of cognoscenti is generally cooked to a "crisp," whereas Poodle Bitch notes that the New York Times's "sexy chicken" is raw. Poodle Bitch notes that the small rise in popularity of the chicken skin as a delicacy (is this just another of the New York Times's fake trends, like potbellies and recession beards?) is just another incarnation of the highbrow rehabilitation of what has been traditionally peasant food.

While Poodle Bitch found the photo exciting, a group called PeTA did not.

"When I saw it I just couldn't believe that an editor of The New York Times would find it acceptable," PETA's founder and president Ingrid Newkirk told The Atlantic Wire. "It's downright offensive, not just to people who care about animals but almost to everyone. It's a plucked, beheaded, young chicken in a young pose," she said.
...
"It's necrophilia. It's not amusing. It's just ghastly and sickly. It's not fitting for The New York Times."

Earlier in this post, Poodle Bitch expressed her distaste for the idea that she might be considered a piece of property, as opposed to a companion. That is because her presence in the lives of her human companions fills a much more solemn and noble purpose than could, say, a table. Poodle Bitch, as all animal companions, provides mental and emotional company that is all out of proportion to the limitations of "property." That term is as insulting to the animal in question as it is to the human expressing it.

At the other end of the spectrum: referring to a chicken as if it were human. Animals are not human. Animals do not want to be human. This is something that even humans who refer to themselves as animal lovers often lose sight of. Poodle Bitch can tell Ms. Newkirk that she was most assuredly not offended by the image of the "plucked" and "beheaded" "young chicken." She was made hungry by it.

That is an animal reaction. And, while animals are not human, humans are still very much animals. Poodle Bitch would venture to guess that Ms. Newkirk is in the minority if, in fact, her mouth did not start watering upon seeing that image.

Poodle Bitch notes that Ms. Newkirk is a humorless hypocrite who once said, "Even if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, we'd be against it." This does not apply to the use of IV drips to alleviate the pain of a broken wrist, apparently.

Just as I was setting out to launch my new book, Let’s Have a Dog Party!, I met a wet floor and went splat, neatly snapping the bones in my wrist. Ooh, the pain! Thank goodness for IV drips.

As this post points out, that IV drip for which Ms. Newkirk thanked "goodness" actually owes its existence to animal testing.

Furthermore, in Ms. Newkirk's essay, from which Poodle Bitch quoted above, you can read for yourself how she compares seagulls, monkeys, foxes, and chimpanzees to black humans. Poodle Bitch wonders that anyone takes this woman or her group seriously. She is nothing more than a morally retarded malefactress. And her organization has murdered thousands of companion animals since 1998.

Animal lovers worldwide now have access to more than a decade's worth of evidence showing that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) kills thousands of defenseless pets at its Virginia headquarters. Since 1998, PETA has opted to "put down" 25,840 adoptable dogs, cats, puppies, and kittens instead of finding them "forever homes."

But a photo of a "young chicken in a young pose" is simply beyond the pale, Poodle Bitch notes with dry irony.

Ms. Newkirk's objections to the "young chicken" image that appeared in the New York Times appeared in the same week in which her group PETA released an ad targeting the victim of a shark attack:

PETA is at it again. Just days after a man on a spearfishing trip survived a shark attack near the Gulf of Mexico, PETA launched a controversial campaign portraying a shark chomping a man to death with the tagline "Payback Is Hell, Go Vegan."

"With the recent shark attack in the news, we thought that it was a good time to bring this discussion up that will hopefully save lives, both human and animals," PETA Campaign Manager Ashley Byrne told The Huffington Post.

Here is the ad in question:



Most humans would find it distasteful to use the profound wounding of a man in an attempt to score political points. But then, most humans find it distasteful to put the suffering of AIDS victims below the suffering of a privileged, pampered human woman who slipped and broke her wrist while preparing to promote a book that exploits dogs. In other words, Poodle Bitch notes wearily, this is simply par for the course.

Poodle Bitch also notes that the Disney Channel, something she only watches when she is around human children (which is as infrequently as possible), has ordered a television program about, well, a dog with a blog:

Dog With A Blog centers on 15-year-old Tyler and Kayla, who have just become step-siblings but don’t get along because they’re very different: Tyler is popular, social and gets by on his looks, while Kayla is super smart, socially responsible and despises guys like Tyler. Cue Stu, the new family’s dog. He talks, blogs about his family on his social network, and, with his canine point of view, helps Tyler and Kayla navigate their new sibling status as well as the world of high school. ... Casting is underway for the kids, parents and the dog, who will be real (sans the talking and blogging part, which will most likely be CG animation).

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that the blogging dog must be saddled with allegedly adorable children who are little more than the stock sit-com characters that populate every single Disney Channel program she has ever had to sit through (Poodle Bitch admits that she has not sat through many). She believes that a blogging dog, offering genuinely witty observations on the world in which she lives, should be more than enough to carry a television program.

Children are a crutch that writers use when they can not fall back upon cleverness.

Poodle Bitch also wonders about the necessity of CGI. Traditional, hand-drawn animation has always been good enough for her.

Poodle Bitch is Hungry

Humans sometimes mystify Poodle Bitch.

In perusing the New York Times today, she came upon this article, on New York City's "struggle" against sugary drinks.

New York State has shelved the idea of a tax on sugary sodas and juice drinks. But New York City’s public health officials opened a new front in their struggle against high-calorie beverages on Monday, unveiling an ad campaign that depicts globs of human fat gushing from a soda bottle.

Poodle Bitch has little interest in "high-calorie" beverages (she drinks water exclusively), but she must admit she's intrigued by the "globs of human fat."

She watches enough Food Network to know that fat is flavor. If Poodle Bitch were a NYC dog, and rode the subways every day with a photo of delicious fat staring her in the face, she might not be able to resist the urge to take a bite of the human seated beside her.


Fat is flavor.

Of course, Poodle Bitch wonders just how much this cheerful reminder that food has calories cost the taxpayers of New York?

The ad — which cost about $277,000 to develop over three fiscal years, including money for creative work and focus groups — will run in 1,500 subway cars for three months. (The $90,000 cost of the subway advertisement comes through a private donor, the Fund for Public Health in New York.)

Once again, Poodle Bitch is happy she does not live in the hustling, bustling New York City. $277,000, especially in this particular economic climate, seems a bit excessive to her, even if it did go toward the creation of a mouth-watering fat image. But, at least the taxpayers aren't paying for the cost of advertising on subways- that $90,000 is coming from some "private donor."

Cigarettes have been shown to cause cancer. People still smoke. Lots of people still smoke. Because they like it. Poodle Bitch doesn't understand why it is that some group believes that showing people a mouth-watering image of flavorful fat is somehow supposed to convince people to give up something they enjoy, when you cannot even convince people to give up smoking to prevent cancer.

She also wonders why those residents who do not drink "high calorie" drinks must be subjected to an image they might find distasteful each time they ride the subway.

Poodle Bitch Has to Wonder About the New York Times

Poodle Bitch will not come out from under the bed until she's had her free range grilled chicken.

Poodle Bitch has a fairly high tolerance for the absurd. But even she was rather surprised to discover this column in the New York Times.

"The Puppy Diaries" is one woman's story of the death of her beloved West Highland terrier called Buddy, and the adoption of a new English standard golden retriever named Scout. It is also one woman's precious story of how wonderful and affluent she is.

My two children, who grew up with him but flew the nest years before his demise, joked that Buddy was my one perfect relationship in life. I spoiled him, terribly. Houseguests often awoke to the aroma of my grilling free-range chicken for Buddy.

Poodle Bitch would like to note first of all just how lucky are the author's children. She would then like to consider the New York Times' audience. Poodle Bitch was given to understand that humans were going through a recession. These are tough times, she has been told, and it's necessary to make sacrifices. She has even heard on NPR that some humans are giving up their dogs, because they haven't enough money to keep them.

Is the average reader of the New York Times so immune from the vagaries of everyday existence that he can nod his head in knowing approval at the image of someone grilling free-range chicken for her dog? Or does the New York Times believe it is providing a service to its less affluent readers, allowing them a peek inside the life of someone grilling free-range chicken for her dog?

Poodle Bitch has to wonder why it is that the author did not mention the name of the company that manufactured the grill. She is certain it must be one of those free range grilling companies.

The author details how she waited two years following the death of the free-range chicken eating Buddy before deciding to adopt another canine companion. Her epiphany is described thus:

But this spring I was overcome by puppy lust, looking at all the cute, companionable dogs on the sidewalks of Lower Manhattan.

Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps the author is one of the more than 9.3% unemployed in New York City, that she has so much free time as to stand around lusting after puppy dogs on the sidewalks of Lower Manhattan. Poodle Bitch would also like to note that she considers herself attractive, but is made to feel uncomfortable when older humans stand around "lusting" after her.

But after all that lusting, the author is not put on any type of dog predator list. Instead, she wonders what puppy she should adopt:

If we adopted a dog from a shelter, as my sister has done twice, we would be taking the more virtuous, good-for-animals (and society) route. Saving a dog that needs a home or had been mistreated by a previous owner is an unselfish act. But we were leaning selfish.

Poodle Bitch is shocked. Any woman who grills for her dog free-range chicken is in no way selfish. As far as Poodle Bitch is concerned, that is the action of someone who is "attentive." And the author would agree with that assessment, as she herself helpfully provides examples of just how attentive she is to her new family member:

It’s not only the made-up games, the hide-and-seek and stuffed animals. There is the special puppy smell, much like the distinctive scent, better than perfume, of a new baby’s head. There is the reflexive urge to smother with kisses. There is the getting up in the middle of the night. There is the singing of lullabies to sleep, lying next to Scout’s crate as if it were a cradle. There is the arrangement of play dates for socialization. (My husband, who is doing the lion’s share of the work these first weeks, jokes that the high point of his day is the 4 p.m. play date with Cyon, our friends’ older golden.) There are the books written by experts (our puppy manual is by the Monks of New Skete). There is the feeling of total relief in seeing tired eyes close for a nap.

Yes, Poodle Bitch fondly remembers her own puppyhood, when her human companion sang her lullabies (actually, it was Death Cab for Cutie songs) and anxiously fretted over her as she fell asleep in bed (Poodle Bitch's own human companion never forced her to sleep in a crate). Unfortunately, Poodle Bitch missed out on the no-doubt wonderful puppy manual written by the Monks of New Skete. (Poodle Bitch would like to observe that "dog" is merely "god" spelled backwards, so who better to offer guidance than a "contemplative monastic community of men and women dedicated to living the monastic life together within the tradition of the Eastern Orthodox Church.") Perhaps she would be better behaved if her human companion had used that particular book.

But Poodle Bitch has to wonder about the author's husband. He "jokes" that the high point of his day is when he gets away from her and takes their new puppy to his "play dates" with another friends' dog. Could there be trouble in the idyllic free-range chicken grilling paradise described in the column?

The column's punchline is actually contained in its first sentence:

This is the first article in a weekly series about the challenges and satisfactions of raising a puppy through its first year of life.

Poodle Bitch truly feels nothing but envy for the readers of the New York Times. This is going to be an exciting and absolutely adorable 52 weeks for them!