Poodle Bitch Thought that the Dog Whisperer was Gay

Poodle Bitch is surprised. She is only a sometime viewer of the National Geographic program "The Dog Whisperer" (it is exploitive and manipulative, but Poodle Bitch does have a bit of a taste for such things), but if she'd been asked, she would have told the asker that surely the host, Cesar Millan, was gay.

Not that Poodle Bitch particularly cares. There is little she finds more tedious than the private lives of dog "trainers." Most people get into that business because they lack the faculties to deal with their own kind and, arrogantly, believe they can manipulate other species. But the idea that Mr. Millan was gay was the only thing that Poodle Bitch found even remotely interesting about him.

So, as previously stated, Poodle Bitch was surprised to learn that Mr. Millan, the Dog Whisperer, was married, and had been married for sixteen years. She is also surprised, and she must admit a bit saddened, to learn that Mr. Millan and his wife are separating, according to a statement on his blog.

A Personal Message from Cesar and Ilusion Millan

We are sad to announce that after 16 years of marriage we have decided to file for divorce. The decision was made after much consideration and time. We remain caring friends, and are fully committed to the co-parenting of our two boys.

Now, whenever he attempts to use his TSST! on any dogs, they will not take him seriously. "You want me to stop chewing up the carpet?" they will say. "You couldn't even keep your marriage together!" Mr. Millan has lost all credibility in the dog community, Poodle Bitch can assure him.

He had best move on to another reality show. Prior to this revelation, Poodle Bitch would have suggested he appear on RuPaul's Drag Race, but, as she's already stated, she was surprised to discover that Mr. Millan was not gay.

Of course, the reader is probably noting in his/her mind that there was a recent high-profile coming out, when Fran Drescher, the nails-on-a-chalkboard-voiced star of "The Nanny" television show, revealed that her ex-husband was gay. It is not unprecedented for a human man to feel he must live a lie in order to fit in.

Poodle Bitch doesn't wish to make light of the situation, but she wonders what man wouldn't pretend to be straight, to be close to Ms. Drescher?

To be serious: Poodle Bitch finds the idea particularly troubling, that some humans feel they cannot be open and honest about themselves. Very few dogs she has ever met have had this problem. Dogs are open and honest with each other about everything. Dogs sniff at one another's buttocks.

The reader might also note that Mr. Millan's wife is apparently named "Ilusion." Perhaps the woman was not real at all. Oh, wait, Poodle Bitch has found a photograph of the two of them together.



So the Ilusion is real. Poodle Bitch finds it amusing that a dog "trainer" married a woman with a name that sounds, to her admittedly jaundiced ear, like that which a dog's whimsical human companion might bestow on her.

"Ilusion! Stay! Ilusion! TSST!"

Poodle Bitch apologizes for her tasteless joke at the expense of two people who might actually be hurting. But, as she's already suggested, she has little respect for dog "trainers."

All of this comes on the heels of learning that some humans believe that animal companions can improve your human relationships.

We hardly need to look at the research to verify that pets do good things for people physically and emotionally. What is interesting in my work with couples is that although couples may vehemently disagree on most topics, they usually both soften in manner and tone to agree that the dog, cat, bird or horse is great.

In fact, if there is any criticism, it is the verbalized wish to receive the kind of love and attention the pet is getting.

“I only wish she was as affectionate with me as with our dog!”

“You should hear him speak to this animal – he never speaks to me that way.”

The people who would say such things are sad to Poodle Bitch. Trust Poodle Bitch: if humans and animals shared a common language, their relationships would be just as complicated and troubling as relationships that humans have with one another. Humans have been manipulated by "their pets," and the generations of breeding those "pets," into believing that animals love them. Most are just relying upon you for food and shelter.

They are conflating love and need. An inability to fully communicate serves as a protective barrier for the humans. It is helpful for dogs as well. Some of us would have to pretend we were something we weren't in order to please you.

Or, do you want to start sniffing your dog companions' buttocks?

Cesar and Ilusion Millan photograph source.