Poodle Bitch presents her new Christmas poem: The Merry Caniche de Noël
The Merry Caniche de Noël
She travels for peace and goodwill's sake, Leaving chicken breast and tomato slices in her wake. All good boys and girls know so well That beloved and sweet Caniche de Noël.
One Christmas Eve night I filled up with eggnog, And attained a warm glowing feeling, my senses agog. I stumbled out of the pub and into the snow, With no care for direction, for I'd nowhere to go. There met my vision so hazy and blurry, That Merry Caniche de Noël, in her red-fringed surry.
Said I, "What brings you to this questionable boulevard, Where shamble human detritus who find living so hard?" At least, I believe that is what I mumbled, For years of hard drinking had left my head jumbled, And cold winter wind was biting through my clothes, So I might have said nothing, for all anyone knows.
Yet the Merry Caniche de Noël understood what I meant, For she laughed at the earnestness behind my lament. Then she licked at herself, and shamelessly so, As my fingers fumbled with a bottle of two week-old bordeaux. Offended, I shouted, "How dare you come here, Especially now -- at this awful time of year!"
After one more long draught, my tirade resumed: "My silly species is wrecked! We're all doomed! Yet for one too-long night we're forced to pretend That this one's an ally-- that that one's a friend! And all the while he keeps hidden from view The stiletto with which he seeks to skewer you!"
I know not from whence sprang such corny indignation; When I'm in my cups I am prone to high sensation. Another human might have seen it as skylarking, Yet the Merry Caniche de Noël responded by barking. Although her manner seemed disconcertingly aloof, Each word that she spoke was a gentle "Woof, woof."
"Every snowflake that falls is a reflection in the air, Of the human compassion present everywhere. It's simply so common that most choose not to see All of the good contained within humanity. It is possible that you've all been led astray By the monster you've created in this holiday
"For only a species so simple and abstruse Would use a yearly celebration as an excuse To create yet another commercial event That contradicts its own original intent. Within you all, even you who stand before me, Resides great promise and generosity!
"So listen hard," (she concluded), "to my gentle doggerel, And heed now the message of the Caniche de Noël." With that, the sweet poodle was off and away, And I heard another voice from somewhere else say, "My friend, you've clearly had one to many, A public street's no place for a drunk to spend a penny."
The policeman was quite rough as he took me to jail, But I just had to laugh, despite my travail, For the words of the Caniche still rang in my ears, And in my fraying old pockets found I two souvenirs: Fresh tomato slices and pieces of chicken breast Which I ate on that night I spent as the city's guest.
Poodle Bitch considers herself to have very refined taste, and a low tolerance for absurdity. Those with questions or concerns, or those seeking advice, are encouraged to contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org