Poodle Bitch assumes she is not welcome on Oprah Winfrey's new network

A human woman.

Poodle Bitch had never entertained any illusions about ever appearing on television at all, let alone on a network created by someone as illustrious as the human woman Oprah Winfrey, who was absurdly ranked third in the Forbes list of the most powerful women in America this year. Nor had Poodle Bitch ever entertained any illusions about ever being barred from making such an appearance.

And yet, Poodle Bitch notes that Ms. Winfrey has specifically banned her.

Don't expect Oprah to go down market on her network OWN, launching in January.

In a speech at Maria Shriver's Women's Conference, she said her cable net will be "fun and entertaining without tearing people down and calling them bitches. Imagine that. Imagine."

Poodle Bitch considers herself to be "up market," and so she is irritated by the author's assumption that bitches are "down market." But that irritation pales in comparison to what she feels about Ms. Winfrey's blanket assumption that the word "bitch" is pejorative.

Poodle Bitch proudly calls herself a bitch. It is what she is. In fact, she would be insulted if she were called something else.

Apparently, however, the word "bitch" is considered an insult when it is used against human women. Ms. Winfrey might have been inspired to institute her unnecessary ban by the use of the word by one of the co-hosts of the reprehensible program "The View," in reference to a female human politician:

The anger against [Joy Behar] has only strengthened now that she’s called Sharron Angle a “bitch” two days in a row.

Later, Ms. Behar apologized for misusing the word:

“I really shouldn’t have called her a bitch,” said Behar today. “To me, that’s a term of endearment. I reserve that word for people that I know and love. So that was a mistake and I take it back.”

Far be it from Poodle Bitch to approvingly quote a co-host of "The View," but she does like the idea that "bitch" can be a term of endearment among humans.

Among dogs, however, it is simply a word used to describe one gender. Humans who are female are called "women." Dogs are called "bitches." Poodle Bitch does not have any particular animosity toward any female dogs, but if she did, she would go around calling them "women."

"That bitch down the street is a real woman."

It sticks in Poodle Bitch's mouth. She does not insult lightly. And by the way, despite what the author of the last article quoted might believe, "bitch" is not a "curse word."

Curse words – the solution to partisan bickering?

A bitch is just a bitch. Ms. Winfrey and other humans would do well to remember it.

A human woman.

Joy Behar photo source.
Oprah Winfrey photo source.

Poodle Bitch does not appreciate the exploitation of dogs for political gain

Poodle Bitch considers herself to be above the concerns of human politics. It is generally a filthy business best left to the basest of humans, and she is far too busy chasing squirrels, lounging under the bed, and enjoying tomato slices. The humans can fight it out for themselves; Poodle Bitch is content to take care of herself and humans in her group.

Yet she could not let this go without comment:



Poodle Bitch would first of all like to congratulate Mr. Joe Sestak, who is apparently running for a Pennsylvania US senate seat, for making the most appropriate political commercial she has ever seen.

Politics is poo. Yes, Poodle Bitch would tend to agree, although she finds it irritating to be forced to write such a thing.

But, Poodle Bitch would like to point out to Mr. Sestak that, whatever "messes" the human politicians created that required a "bailout" (yawn -- where is Poodle Bitch's tomato slice?), those messes were in no way canine related. There is absolutely no need to impugn the reputation of an innocent dog in your quest for power.

Poodle Bitch would posit that a few dog "messes" would be infinitely more preferable to whatever human-caused misery that humans are currently enduring.

Poodle Bitch has heard of the phenomenon of human politicians exploiting their children to garner votes. They make public appearances with them, place them in their ads, and give "humanizing" interviews about them on television. Poodle Bitch has also heard that human politicians use other peoples' children to garner votes. "This must be done for the children," they say. "Vote for me, I will protect children."

Poodle Bitch now wonders who will protect the dogs... From the slanderous metaphor being used against them in Mr. Sestak's ad. Only a human lacking in shame and self-awareness (i.e., a human politician) would compare a natural biological function to the collusion between government and corporate interests in pursuit of power and money.

Mr Sestak -- hands off canine bowel movements (except, of course, to pick them up so as to dispose of them in a proper, sanitary, and aesthetic manner). And, more important, please do not engage in any action that causes Poodle Bitch to have to write the words "bowel movements" ever again. Now, if you will excuse Poodle Bitch, she is going to go for a nice long walk.

Poodle Bitch discovered this horrible commercial here.

Poodle Bitch blogs here.

Poodle Bitch supports the creation of new television shows based on websites and twitter feeds -- in theory

Poodle Bitch is aware of the new television program entitled "$#*! My Dad Says," although she has not yet forced herself to watch it. Poodle Bitch's lack of interest in the program has nothing to do with its phony-provocative title, nor with the fact that it stars William Shatner (in fact, Poodle Bitch has a bit of a soft spot in her heart, owing to his portrayal of "The Chairman" on the first and still most charming attempt to translate the Japanese program "Iron Chef" to America). Rather, Poodle Bitch risks slipping into a catatonic state of boredom by a mere description of the show.

$#*! MY DAD SAYS (pronounced "Bleep My Dad Says"), based on the popular Twitter feed by Justin Halpern, stars Emmy Award winner William Shatner as Ed Goodson, a forthright and opinionated dad who relishes expressing his unsolicited and often wildly politically incorrect observations to anyone within earshot. Nobody is safe from Ed's rants, including his sons, Henry, a struggling writer-turned-unpaid blogger; and Vince, the meek half of a husband/wife real estate duo with domineering Bonnie. When Henry finds he can no longer afford to pay rent, Ed reveals a soft spot and invites Henry to move in with him. Henry agrees, knowing that the verbal assault will not abate and now there will be no escape. Describing their father/son relationship is tricky, but Ed will easily come up with a few choice words.

The above is taken from the official CBS website for the program. In other words, that is part of the promotional campaign designed to entice humans into watching it.

Poodle Bitch wonders why anyone would, when it sounds like almost every other situation comedy that has ever aired. The ostensibly sensible family member is forced by circumstance (he has turned into an "unpaid blogger" -- is there any other kind, Poodle Bitch wonders) to return home and deal with his absolutely crazy family.

And these "wildly politically incorrect opinions"? Well, CBS is a major network that relies on advertising to make its money. Poodle Bitch does not believe those opinions will be too "wildly politically incorrect." And a quick perusal (which is all Poodle Bitch could stand) of the choice quotes from the politically incorrect Ed reveals that Poodle Bitch is correct:

"What? You want to braid each others [sic] hair and talk about boys?"

"A bike?!! Take a look out there. Does that look like Bangkok?"

"cheese and crackers that came at me fast."

Poodle Bitch wonders if the hilarity swirls around the character of Ed -- for she sees no evidence of any hilarity generated by him.


So charming, so kitschy, so misguided. Poodle Bitch cannot help but appreciate Mr. Shatner's efforts.

What has made "$#*! My Dad Says" noteworthy is the fact that it was inspired by a twitter feed with the vulgarity spelled out completely. The charm of this twitter feed is completely lost on Poodle Bitch. The tweets are little more than shallow and artless attempts at humor that come across as more insulting than funny. They are certainly not insightful. For instance:

"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."

Poodle Bitch could not care less whether this man "gives a shit" about anything. And why should anyone try to give less of a shit?

Oh, that is where the humor supposedly comes from. Or, something. Poodle Bitch does not care.

Apparently, someone from "The Daily Show" found this feed amusing, and tweeted a link. From there, it took off, leading first to a book which Poodle Bitch supposes collects the tweeted "witticisms," and then to the television program. Poodle Bitch congratulates the author on coming up with a concept that has apparently captured the human imagination. Apparently, there are a lot of humans who can relate to the uninteresting, mean mumblings of a boring man with no genuine insight.

"$#*! My Dad Says" is the first of a new wave of twitter feeds and blogs that are being mined for television material by producers looking for ideas. The next was a twitter feed entitled Shh...Don't Tell Steve:

Shh … Don’t Tell Steve, which has more than 13,000 followers, follows the action of its creator’s jobless, drunken roommate, without the roommate knowing.

Poodle Bitch wonders where is the humor in such an idea. It is supposed to be funny, correct? Perhaps visiting the feed and reading a few tweets will set her straight:

Finishing making pot brownies. Which, btw, are for Jackass 3D tonight. Steve has set truly unreasonably high expectations for the experience

Jackass 3D pregame in apartment: Spicy Hot Pot Brownies, Honey Wheat Beer, Wings and Aggro Tony trying to light Steve's arm hair on fire

Steve told Shelly if she wants to come to Jackass 3D with us she "can't be all Ms. Haughty Pants, I'm too smart and cool for this"

Steve is in Shelly's head re: "Haughty Pants". Shelly: "I like Johnny Knoxville and I like people fucking with each other. I'm not a snob"

Apparently, selling his twitter feed to CBS is not enough for the person who runs Shh...Don't tell Steve -- he also needs to shill for "Jackass 3-D," a new Paramount film. Poodle Bitch marvels at the corporate synergy on display.

But, she does not find the feed particularly amusing. She notes that the feed has over 1,200 tweets, so it's entirely possible that a few of them are funny. She has too little time to try to find them.

Next came word of a new television program based on a website called "Awkward Family Photos." Apparently, humans occasionally take photos that other humans might consider to "embarrassing." This is based on a sliding scale, for it seems to Poodle Bitch the the default position for human beings is "awkward." Nevertheless:

With news that Awkaward [sic] Family Photos is heading to ABC, someone has to ask how a website full of embarrassing haircuts, dodgy fashion choices and cringeworthy family shots would translate to television. Its screenwriters will certainly have a job on their hands.

Yes, those screenwriters will have jobs, at least, which is an important thing in this economy (so Poodle Bitch has heard. she has seen no reduction lately in her tomato slice allowance, thank you).

Poodle Bitch wonders if the real work will be done by the lawyers. After all, the website (and the book based upon it, Poodle Bitch notices), exist because of reader submissions to the site. Did the owners of the site get full clearance rights to the photos in any and all media existing now and in the future, in perpetuity (one of Poodle Bitch's human companions has sold works for publication before, and has a sad knowledge of contracts)?

As for the site itself, for the most part, Poodle Bitch was unmoved. As she has already stated, humans are usually "awkward." But she must admit that this photo made her laugh out loud:



Poodle Bitch could see creating vignettes, or "sketches," somewhat akin to SCTV or The Dana Carvey Show around the photos, perhaps. But are those types of programs popular now?

The most recent twitter feed to lead to a television deal is "Dear Girls Above Me." As the Live Feed reported:

Dear Girls Above Me is written by a guy who's driven to distraction by the ditzy roommates living in the condo above him. Unlike "$#*! My Dad Says," or the recently sold "Shh ... Don't Tell Steve," however, the entries often dervive [sic] humor from our unnamed protagonist's reactions and not just the quotes.

Samples, each prefaced with the phrase "Dear Girls Above Me":

-- “He said he was Spanish but not a Mexican. What the hell, that doesn’t even make sense!” It does to the entire country of Spain.

-- “Aww, I felt so bad, this homeless-looking bearded guy on Fairfax actually thought it was New Years.” Happy Rosh Hashanah ladies.

-- “I want a guy who’s gonna meet me half way, like the Black Eyed Pea’s song.” I want a girl who doesn’t quote the Black Eyed Peas.

-- “You can’t go on birth control, your tits will get bigger than mine! We had a plan!” Does this plan involve small boobs and a baby?

Ah, yes. Isn't it so very dry that a halfwit is presenting himself as more clever than a quarterwit?

Poodle Bitch finds it a bit ironic that the "letters" are addressed "Dear Girls Above Me," since there is evidence within the texts that they are, in fact, above the petty author. The "New Year's," the "Black Eyed Peas," and the "birth control" comments could easily have been meant by the "girls" to be ironic. Poodle Bitch wonders if the halfwit is being played for a fool.

And, assuming the "girls" really exist, does the halfwit have to pay them a fee for his new television deal. After all, without them, he's just some human no one has ever heard of.

Poodle Bitch is happy for all of the struggling writers who are able to make Hollywood deals based on their websites and twitter feeds. However, she wonders why it is that these Hollywood producers are seeking out the least clever of these new media stars to lavish attention upon. Moreover, she wonders why it is that it must be humans alone that are making these deals.

She happens to know of a very clever bitch who would make an excellent television protagonist. Perhaps she could live with good-natured but ultimately misunderstanding humans, somewhere in Hollywood, and offer observations about the way humans live their lives. If necessary, these observations need not be too witty. Poodle Bitch does not mind being facile, if it will help humans to more easily understand her.

Naturally, the bitch would eat lots of chicken and tomato slices.

Poodle Bitch Wonders Why the Phrase "Crazed Sex Poodle" Would Be Considered an Insult

Poodle Bitch has led a relatively sheltered life. She has had most of her needs taken care of (she could stand to have more tomato slices now and again, and she sometimes wonders why it is the humans won't go to McDonald's more often for those chicken sandwiches she likes to much -- they are only $1 apiece, after all) and she has only a few times been attacked by another creature.

Most of these attacks, Poodle Bitch will admit, were from small human children attempting to pet her. Poodle Bitch does not like to be petted, most of the time. She prefers proximity to actual touching.

The one time she ever felt truly threatened, when a boorish "great" dane bit her on the bottom and lifted her bodily into the air, Poodle Bitch squealed, growled, called the creature a filthy name, and she was released.

Poodle Bitch was thinking of her rather harrowing encounter when she read of a massage therapist's claim that former vice president Al Gore had attacked her.

In her detailed Jan. 8, 2009, statement to a Portland sexual assault investigator, the woman said she was called to the hotel about 10:30 p.m. Oct. 24, 2006, to provide a massage for Gore, who was registered under the name "Mr. Stone." Once inside his ninth-floor suite, she said he pushed her hand to his groin, fondled her buttocks and breasts, tongue-kissed her and threw her down on the bed as she tried to thwart his advances.

Poodle Bitch wonders if Mr. Gore's full nom de hotel is "Dick Stone". Otherwise she will not make light of this situation. Anyone who has been attacked knows that it is an unnerving and difficult experience. We also know that politicians attack human women on occasion.

Poodle Bitch has no idea if Mr. Stone is guilty of the crime of which he has been accused, she hastens to add.

Portland police spokeswoman Detective Mary Wheat said police didn't go to the hotel or talk to the woman's friends because it wouldn't help prove or disprove the woman's allegations.

"We're not disputing Al Gore was in the hotel room with this woman," Wheat said. "The two people in that room were Mr. Gore and this woman. If a bellhop came in and saw something, that would be different."

Poodle Bitch now has to wonder if this is standard operating procedure in any case of an alleged attack on a human woman. Do police not investigate when a human woman claims to be a victim of unwanted fondling and throwing upon a bed?

Poodle Bitch wonders, since the police do not dispute that Mr. Stone, who was apparently Mr. Gore, was in the room with the massage therapist, did any of them talk to Mr. Gore about the allegations?

From her own experience dealing with "law enforcement authorities" after her attack at the maw of the "great" dane, Poodle Bitch can tell you that they can often be unresponsive and disbelieving.

In other words, although Poodle Bitch has already hastened to add that she has no way of knowing what happened in that hotel room, Poodle Bitch's sympathies were with the human woman.

That's when, she says, Gore wrapped her in an "inescapable embrace" and fondled her back, buttocks and breasts as she was trying to break down her massage table.

She called him a "crazed sex poodle" and tried to distract him, pointing out a box of Moonstruck chocolates on a nearby table. He went for the chocolates and then offered her some, cornering her, fondling her and shoving his tongue in her mouth to french kiss as he pressed against her.

Poodle Bitch likes the turn of phrase "inescapable embrace," she might use it in a poem. What she does not like is the phrase "crazed sex poodle."

Poodle Bitch wonders if this is intended to be an insult?

She understands that, during an attack (and if such an attack occurred), the victim often responds not with cold logic but with uncontrollable emotions. You don't have time to think, merely to react. As the massage therapist says later in her statement, "I was distressed, shocked and terrified."

"Crazed sex poodle"?

Not a poodle.

Poodle Bitch cannot understand why the human massage therapist came up with that. To her knowledge, poodles are not known for their particular sexual proclivities. They are certainly not golden retrievers (yes, "crazed sex golden retriever" would have been a much more appropriate insult). Poodles are known for their intellect.

Perhaps the woman was praising Mr. Gore's intelligence, while at the same time chastising him for the sexual assault?

Poodle Bitch finds this difficult to believe given the rest of that sentence: "and tried to distract him, pointing out a box of Moonstruck chocolates on a nearby table." She believed (and if her statement is to be believed, rightly so) that Mr. Gore could be distracted from committing sexual assault by chocolates.

Does that sound like a smart man -- a man with the intellect of a poodle -- to you?

Poodle Bitch also notes that the massage therapist's statement contains at least two examples of product placement (Grand Marnier, Moonstruck chocolates). Then, there was the mention of the singer Pink.

Later, she said, he tried to lure her into the bedroom to hear pop star Pink's "Dear Mr. President" on his iPod dock. She said Gore sat on one end of the bed and motioned for her to join him.

Poodle Bitch could be acerbic here and state that this is further proof that Mr. Gore is no poodle. Anyone with taste and intelligence would not like Pink, and certainly wouldn't use her music as a lure for anything other than, perhaps, "great" danes.

But Poodle Bitch is not acerbic.

She does not know what to think about the entire episode. She did find something especially sad in the woman's statement, however:

The therapist later told detectives she did not call the police because she was afraid she wouldn't be believed. "I deeply feared being made into a public spectacle and my work reputation being destroyed," she said.

As it was, she said, even friends of hers who had voted for Gore didn't necessarily support her. She did call the Portland Women's Crisis Line, which encouraged her to call police.

Poodle Bitch has nothing particular to say about the accuser being made a public spectacle. She understands that there are false accusations of sexual assault made against human men on a troublingly regular basis.

What bothers Poodle Bitch is that the massage therapist's friends didn't support her. Poodle Bitch (who admits once again that she has had a relatively sheltered life) had come to believe that that was what friends were for. Support.

One needs support from friends, because those who don't know you in the media can and will attack you in such a case. As the website Jezebel points out,

We're all for the benefit of the doubt, and no doubt about it, the new allegations against Al Gore are weird. But when you see blame-gaming reactions, is it any wonder why so many victims don't want to come forward?

Jezebel notes that tired novelist and boring npr host Kurt Andersen has already taken to attacking the accuser in a particularly heartless way. At twitter, no less, he offered the following wisdom:

You professionally rub naked flesh & call the *cops* about an untoward request? Then clam up--but call the cops again 2 years later? Cuckoo.

Poodle Bitch did not realize that massage therapists were sex workers who were expected to provide "happy endings" to all their clients. She also didn't realize that there was generally a time table for claims of sexual assault ("untoward request"), and that waiting too long to report such a crime was considered by humans to be "cuckoo." Or, as the author at Jezebel puts it:

This is, of course, the appropriate reaction: out of hand dismissal, besmirching of accuser's character and a scramble for reasons to not believe that a man whose environmental policy you admire is capable of such actions.

Poodle Bitch cannot stress this enough: She has no way of knowing what happened in that hotel room. She knows that famous and even non-famous human men can and have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, and those allegations can devastate their lives. But she wonders why it should be that for some people, the first response is to attack the accuser before all, or indeed any, facts are in.

And, poodles are not sex-crazed.

Al Gore photo source.

Poodle Bitch Enjoyed "Extreme Poodles"

Poodle Bitch has heard of the phenomenon of dog beauty pageants, but she is not so interested in showing off for others as to actually want to participate. Then again, Poodle Bitch was not raised by humans who chose to show their affection for her by fussing overmuch on her grooming. They show their affection in other ways, that are very well suited to Poodle Bitch’s temperament.

Yet Poodle Bitch does not begrudge the fact that some humans show their affection to their poodle companions in ways that might seem unduly superficial, if not perhaps a bit disturbing. After all, there is a series entitled “Toddlers & Tiaras” in which parents are shown giving attention to their human offspring by participating in human beauty pageants.

Do you know why the children like those pageants? It is because, Poodle Bitch speculates (she is no expert on human relations nor does she care to become one), the children in question are getting attention from their human parents.

Poodle Bitch probably does not need to explain to the reader, who is probably human, that a little attention is all anyone wants. She is happy for those children who are getting some attention, whatever it might be.

The same is true of dogs. They want attention from their human companions. Some of us, like Poodle Bitch, require only an occasional rub of the belly followed (hopefully) by a tomato slice or two. Others require more, shall we say, active attention. These dogs love the feel of human hands upon them. What those hands are doing is largely immaterial – as long as they don’t belong to a veterinarian the dogs are happy.

Which brings Poodle Bitch to last night’s TLC special, “Extreme Poodles.” This program featured a look at the world of competitive poodle grooming. Despite the fact that Poodle Bitch is hardly “extreme,” and does not generally submit herself to excessively fussy grooming, she was much interested in finding out all about what others of her breed were up to.

The program featured contestants in something called the Barkleigh Poodle Pageant, which sounds a bit dear to Poodle Bitch’s ear (do you get it? because dog’s bark), where groomers present poodles groomed with “color, glamour, glitz, and style.” This according to Kathy Rose, the pageant’s director. Poodle Bitch cannot fault her enthusiasm for the breed; Poodle Bitch shares that enthusiasm. What she can fault is the paltry prize offered to the winning groomer. A mere $5,000 and a cover for a magazine called “Groomer to Groomer”? Poodle Bitch would have expected more for the person deemed to have created the best poodle style.

Then again, after having seen some of the cuts given the poodles in the special, Poodle Bitch wonders if the prizes might have been too great? For while Poodle Bitch appreciates that the groomers and human companions to the dogs are showing them affection by giving them such elaborate hair cuts, that does not mean she cannot find aesthetically displeasing some of the styles.

Or, if she prefers, all of the styles.

Take for instance Nina, whose poodle Jecht is to be dressed as a roller derby girl. When we’re introduced to this endearing couple, Jecht drinks from the toilet while Nina explains that she got rid of her human husband because he didn’t like dogs. Poodle Bitch thinks there might have been something more to the story than that, but she has no proof so she won’t bring it up. Nina then shows off what she calls her “chastity belt trick,” which involves Jecht putting his head between her legs and mimicking a fearsome growl.

If Nina’s ex-husband bothered to watch this program, did he count his blessings?

Jecht loves being a roller derby girl, Nina tells us. She dresses him in a skirt and stockings and declares that “he’s metrosexual.” Poodle Bitch can assure Nina that her dog is not metrosexual – he is just happy to get attention from you. And if dressing your dog up as a human girl and telling him, “I always wanted a girl dog” is how you choose to display that affection, well, he will take it.

But Poodle Bitch feels compelled to offer the following: If you always wanted a girl dog, why not get a girl dog?

Then there is Angela and Josh. Angela has won more creative grooming titles than anyone else, she tells us, and was first in last year’s Barkleigh competition. She has her own grooming business and says that “People actually have to tell me not to put color on their dogs,” as if she is proud.

Poodle Bitch would think that it just makes good business sense to ask people if they want their dogs’ hair colored. To assume such a thing seems a bit ludicrous.

But no less ludicrous than her grooming theme which is either “Buffalo” or “Cherokee Heritage,” depending on who you ask. Her companion Josh is groomed as a buffalo at the head, and with the face and headdress at one of the rear legs. Apparently, Angela is part Cherokee, so she is celebrating her own heritage which Poodle Bitch supposes makes the whole idea less offensive.

Poodle Bitch offers no comment on that. Humans are alternately too sensitive about such matters, and then too easily offended. She cannot keep track.

In addition to the actual groom of the dog, there is a presentation period, in which the groomers display the dog in a tableau meant to illustrate the theme of the groom. For Angela’s part, she has conscripted her father and nephew into wearing Cherokee headdresses and bird costumes to stand and prance around the dog, while Angela herself beats a drum (Poodle Bitch is unsure if the proper term for such a drum is “tomtom”).

Next the viewer is introduced to Sandy and Odin. Sandy is a decorated poodle groomer (who created the rather famous “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” cut) who has a farm with horses, chickens, and, disturbingly, snakes.

But what she really wants is a camel. This despite the fact that she has poodles, and those poodles she describes as “her children.” Because she wants a camel, she will turn her beloved Odin into a camel. During the competition we see just how Sandy creates the “hump,” and this might have been the most disturbing part of the entire program:

She gathers up the scissored hair from the floor and puts it on Odin’s back, using Elmer’s glue and hair spray. Poodle Bitch had to suppress her gag reflex upon seeing that.

The gluing of the old hair was even more disturbing than the use of small human children in her presentation, which included belly dancing around the “camel.” Sandy, who has been belly dancing for about three years, had wanted to use her snakes in her dance, but she decided against that as many humans are made uneasy by snakes. Poodle Bitch can tell you that the same can be said of many dogs, as well. She appreciates Sandy’s discretion.

The next groomer the program followed was Lori, and her poodle Falcor. Lori has a grooming shop called “Doggie Styles,” which Poodle Bitch has to admit she finds an amusing name for a grooomer. What she did not find particularly amusing was the fact that Lori employed the services of a reikei practitioner upon Falcor.

Again, Poodle Bitch admits that Falcor probably appreciated the attention, but her skeptical hackles rose when she saw the groomer spending money on such pseudoscience.

Anyway, her theme is African safari; Falcor’s head is to be done with a lion’s mane, his left hind leg with a giraffe head, and the right hind leg a zebra head. Lori forces her assistant to do the bulk of the dancing that was part of the presentation, while she, Lori, put on her bottom a set of baboon-style rubber buttocks she turned toward the audience and shook.

Lori’s husband, when asked for three words to describe the grooming competition, says, “Ridiculous, lunacy, and ridiculous.”

Compounding the lunacy was the fact that it was Lori and Falcor that actually won the competition. Poodle Bitch is no expert on the taste of humans, and the special was carefully cut so as to prevent the viewer getting a full look at the other dogs in the competition, but she believed that the second place finisher, despite its hippie theme, was quite good. Poodle Bitch also appreciated the alien invasion/SF themed presentation.

Extreme Poodles did not present poodles or their human companions in the best possible light, but Poodle Bitch appreciated that the program appeared at all. The worst one can say about the humans depicted is that they truly feel affection toward their poodle companions. That is very good indeed, especially given the way humans are depicted on other reality television programs.

Poodle Bitch Thought that the Dog Whisperer was Gay

Poodle Bitch is surprised. She is only a sometime viewer of the National Geographic program "The Dog Whisperer" (it is exploitive and manipulative, but Poodle Bitch does have a bit of a taste for such things), but if she'd been asked, she would have told the asker that surely the host, Cesar Millan, was gay.

Not that Poodle Bitch particularly cares. There is little she finds more tedious than the private lives of dog "trainers." Most people get into that business because they lack the faculties to deal with their own kind and, arrogantly, believe they can manipulate other species. But the idea that Mr. Millan was gay was the only thing that Poodle Bitch found even remotely interesting about him.

So, as previously stated, Poodle Bitch was surprised to learn that Mr. Millan, the Dog Whisperer, was married, and had been married for sixteen years. She is also surprised, and she must admit a bit saddened, to learn that Mr. Millan and his wife are separating, according to a statement on his blog.

A Personal Message from Cesar and Ilusion Millan

We are sad to announce that after 16 years of marriage we have decided to file for divorce. The decision was made after much consideration and time. We remain caring friends, and are fully committed to the co-parenting of our two boys.

Now, whenever he attempts to use his TSST! on any dogs, they will not take him seriously. "You want me to stop chewing up the carpet?" they will say. "You couldn't even keep your marriage together!" Mr. Millan has lost all credibility in the dog community, Poodle Bitch can assure him.

He had best move on to another reality show. Prior to this revelation, Poodle Bitch would have suggested he appear on RuPaul's Drag Race, but, as she's already stated, she was surprised to discover that Mr. Millan was not gay.

Of course, the reader is probably noting in his/her mind that there was a recent high-profile coming out, when Fran Drescher, the nails-on-a-chalkboard-voiced star of "The Nanny" television show, revealed that her ex-husband was gay. It is not unprecedented for a human man to feel he must live a lie in order to fit in.

Poodle Bitch doesn't wish to make light of the situation, but she wonders what man wouldn't pretend to be straight, to be close to Ms. Drescher?

To be serious: Poodle Bitch finds the idea particularly troubling, that some humans feel they cannot be open and honest about themselves. Very few dogs she has ever met have had this problem. Dogs are open and honest with each other about everything. Dogs sniff at one another's buttocks.

The reader might also note that Mr. Millan's wife is apparently named "Ilusion." Perhaps the woman was not real at all. Oh, wait, Poodle Bitch has found a photograph of the two of them together.



So the Ilusion is real. Poodle Bitch finds it amusing that a dog "trainer" married a woman with a name that sounds, to her admittedly jaundiced ear, like that which a dog's whimsical human companion might bestow on her.

"Ilusion! Stay! Ilusion! TSST!"

Poodle Bitch apologizes for her tasteless joke at the expense of two people who might actually be hurting. But, as she's already suggested, she has little respect for dog "trainers."

All of this comes on the heels of learning that some humans believe that animal companions can improve your human relationships.

We hardly need to look at the research to verify that pets do good things for people physically and emotionally. What is interesting in my work with couples is that although couples may vehemently disagree on most topics, they usually both soften in manner and tone to agree that the dog, cat, bird or horse is great.

In fact, if there is any criticism, it is the verbalized wish to receive the kind of love and attention the pet is getting.

“I only wish she was as affectionate with me as with our dog!”

“You should hear him speak to this animal – he never speaks to me that way.”

The people who would say such things are sad to Poodle Bitch. Trust Poodle Bitch: if humans and animals shared a common language, their relationships would be just as complicated and troubling as relationships that humans have with one another. Humans have been manipulated by "their pets," and the generations of breeding those "pets," into believing that animals love them. Most are just relying upon you for food and shelter.

They are conflating love and need. An inability to fully communicate serves as a protective barrier for the humans. It is helpful for dogs as well. Some of us would have to pretend we were something we weren't in order to please you.

Or, do you want to start sniffing your dog companions' buttocks?

Cesar and Ilusion Millan photograph source.

Poodle Bitch Did Not Expect to Love "Life Unexpected"

Poodle Bitch has first paw experience with adoption, as she herself was adopted as a mere pup. She considers herself lucky to have found the human companions that she did, as she has heard the most dreadful stories – stories she has neither the desire nor the stomach to relate here – of canine adoption nightmares.

Nevertheless, Poodle Bitch has on occasion wondered what her birth mother was like. What kind of bitch would Poodle Bitch be today, if that now nameless, faceless Poodle Mother had raised her? Poodle Bitch’s curiosity is idle at best, woolgathering for those times when she is otherwise unpreoccupied by important subjects and diversions. Diversions such as the television program “Life Unexpected.”

Poodle Bitch did not watch the first few episodes of this series because (a) it was on “The CW,” and Poodle Bitch was given to understand that “The CW” was exclusively for teenaged girls and dirty old men who write for glossy entertainment magazines about the "cultural relevance" of shows about teenaged girls engaging in three-ways, and, (b), it concerns a human teenaged girl who finds her birth mother after spending the first 15 years or so of her life as a “foster child.”

Poodle Bitch now regrets that she missed those early episodes. And she hopes that others will learn a lesson from her – that lesson being, don’t prejudge a show just because it appears on the same network as such tedious fare as “Gossip Girl,” and, well, to be honest, Poodle Bitch does not know any other CW shows by name.

But Poodle Bitch loves “Life Unexpected.” This was unexpected.

Poodle Bitch forgives herself for waiting until recently to give "Life Unexpected" a try. Who would blame her, when "The CW" marketed it by comparing it to the arch and artificial movie "Juno" and the equally glib and remote "Gilmore Girls"?

Tonight’s episode began with Cate and Ryan, hosts of a popular Portland morning radio show, deciding once again to get married. This is big news to viewers of the show, but if you haven’t been watching, Poodle Bitch will excuse you if you scratch your head. You see, Cate and Ryan were the engaged co-hosts of a popular morning radio show when their lives were turned upside down by the appearance of the teenaged daughter that Cate had put up for adoption back when Cate herself was a mere 16 years old.

16 is very, very old for a dog to be giving birth, but apparently for humans it is considered very early. So much so that Cate decided she could not provide her daughter with as good a life as some nameless, faceless adoptive parents. That is why Cate decided to do what she thought was best for her daughter, and let her go.

In a touching scene last week, Cate informed Ryan that she couldn’t even bear to hold her daughter, because she was afraid she might not want to let her go; even though she felt that this was in her daughter’s best interests.

Anyway, the reason that Cate and Ryan’s latest engagement is so important is that Ryan called off the engagement a few weeks ago, when he learned that Cate had slept with Baze when the two of them, Cate and Ryan, were technically not seeing each other.

And just who is Baze, Poodle Bitch can here you inquiring through the internet tubes. Well, Baze is the father of Cate’s daughter, Lux.

Speaking of Lux, she has some trouble of her own. As she arrives to school she encounters Jones, the star quarterback of the varsity football team. All that Poodle Bitch knows about football is that one of the quarterbacks in the NFL had a dogfighting ring, and that the man who is married to one of the Victoria Beckham, AKA Posh Spice, is also a player, although on another continent. Nevertheless, Poodle Bitch doesn’t hold this against the sweet Jones, who tried so hard to impress Lux a couple of weeks ago, when he drove her three hours to visit her friend Tasha who had been recently adopted.

Poodle Bitch implores the reader to keep up with her.

Jones took Lux to the winter formal, or some other type of cotillion that human teenagers enjoy. However, Lux’s former boyfriend, Bug (he has a tattoo on his neck), showed up, and the two of them engaged in the act of coitus immediately before Jones took her to this dancing event.

Baze found one of Bug’s condoms, and, thinking it belonged to Jones, went to the dance to confront Jones. Jones of course didn’t know what Baze was talking about, but Lux admitted that the condom was Bug’s, that Bug had returned to Portland from the hostel in Sacramento, and the two were picking up where they left off.

Jones, heartbroken, left the dance. Lux stayed, and Bug arrived with a bouquet of flowers.

And now, for some reason that Poodle Bitch doesn’t quite understand, Jones has invited Lux to his party. He encourages her to bring her boyfriend, Bug. “It will be great to see him again,” he says, ironically.

Cate, planning her wedding with real zest, asks Lux to be her maid of honor. Lux is honored by the request, although she doesn’t have a chance to actually say yes before Cate receives a call from her sister, Abby. Abby is miffed because she has only just heard that Cate is now re-engaged to Ryan – why did she have to receive this important information in a voice mail from their mother?

Well, Cate explains, if you were home more, or at least answered your phone, you would know everything that’s going on in my life. But apparently you’ve been “shacking up” with some “mystery man.”

At this point, Lux excuses herself. She knows the identity of the “mystery man.” And she knows that Cate will be upset when she discovers who it is, herself.

It is Baze. The man whose sperm fertilized the youthful Cate’s egg those 16 years before, in the back seat of a car in the school parking lot during the spring cotillion.

But Cate’s more immediate problem is that Abby has just assumed that she will be Cate’s maid of honor, and is already planning whatever types of events those so honored plan. Being a dog, Poodle Bitch has little knowledge of such things. But she does enjoy yoga; or, at least, she does a “downward facing dog” every time she gets up from a nap, so she is sympathetic to Abby’s suggestion that Baze accompany her to her yoga class.

However, Abby has only just suggested that Cate might want to do a workout herself, to avoid the whole “double boob thing,” an absurd suggestion, as the waifish Cate appears to weigh a delightful 98 pounds; but Cate takes the suggestion to heart.

And ends up at Abby’s yoga class. Stretching out next to Baze. At this point, Cate realizes that Baze and Abby are sleeping together. She declares, loudly, “You are th e guy that my sister is sleeping with?”

All of this before the first commercial break.

The episode concerned the attempt of Cate and Ryan to elope, rather than deal with the troubles that spring from planning a wedding involving their “crazy” relatives. They plan to take Lux and go to a bed and breakfast, and be married the next day.

Cate goes to Baze’s to retrieve Lux. Lux, however, is at the party at Jones’s. Because the rain has picked up, Cate is now stranded at Baze’s with her sister Abby, and Baze’s roommates. For their part, the roommates don’t like Abby – she is encroaching on their turf, and having what they consider a deleterious effect on their friend. They confront him to try to apprehend the real reasons for Baze’s sleeping with Cate’s sister.

Baze explains that he is really concerned about his daughter, Lux. You see, Lux walked in on Baze and Abby the morning after they’d spent their first night together. He wants to show Lux that it was actually more than just a “one night stand.”

Poodle Bitch knows only a very little about humans; mostly what she has read in the works of Mary Robinson and Samuel Johnson, but she can tell you that this sounds exactly like the type of thing that a human would say. Humans are very good at rationalizing their decisions. She understands that they must derive some comfort from that, and to a certain extent, she envies them.

Mary Robinson, the great author and dog companion, might have been at home writing for "Life Unexpected."

Abby claims that Cate is upset because she is jealous. She, Cate, really wants Baze. But Cate explains that her problem is with Abby, not Baze. Abby insinuates herself into Cate’s life “in the most insane ways.” Just as Abby “insinuated” herself into the maid of honor role, so has she “insinuated” herself into the bed of the father of her child.

That child, by the way, is having problems of her own. In a fit of jealousy, she confronts Jones after seeing him kiss another girl. Why is he “moving on,” when earlier that very day he claimed that he would have a hard time “moving on” from her?

Why does she want to be with Bug, but when she sees Jones with another girl, she becomes jealous? She can’t have it both ways, he tells her. She replies, incoherently, that she isn’t trying to have it both ways. But of course she is, which is another all-too-human characteristic.

Poodle Bitch lives her life in a way that is unequivocal, and uncompromising. That is an all-too-canine characteristic. But she will admit that she envies that humans can be so straight-faced in their schizophrenia.

Lux calls Ryan, and asks him to retrieve her from Jones’s party. Ryan does so, but with the rain coming down in hammers and nails they are unable to make it back home, so they must stop at the radio station where, apparently, they don’t have generators, as the power is out there, as it is back at Baze’s. Poodle Bitch knows little about radio, but she wonders why a radio station would lose power but that is a small quibble, as Ryan brings Lux into the radio booth, where the two seek to get to the root of Lux’s problems with Jones and Bug.

Lux and Bug have been together, “off and on,” for about two years. That is a lifetime for human teenagers. We are treated to a couple of flashbacks to Lux’s difficult life as a foster child. She has terrible abandonment issues. Poodle Bitch cannot imagine what it would be like to spend the first 15 years of your life moving from one temporary living situation after another.

But back to Cate and Baze, et al: Baze, having been convinced that he should stop seeing Abby, attempts to break up with her. She, being a therapist, is adept and parrying all of his reasons – he is just afraid of going after what he wants, because he’s afraid he’ll lose it.

No, Baze says, finally. I can’t see you anymore because I actually have feelings for Cate. “I had no idea,” Abby says. “Neither did I,” says Cate, who has been listening at the door.

It is unclear if Baze was being truthful, or if he was merely trying to get Abby to break up with her. But he’s stuck with his story, and he has to play it out.

“It’s going to be so weird now when we’re together,” Cate says. “Weird for Lux, weird for Ryan…”

Abby screams at Cate: “You bitch about us being together, and you bitch about us not being together,” she declares, using Poodle Bitch’s name inappropriately. “This isn’t Burger King, you don’t get to have everything your way!”

In this way, Lux’s and Cate’s stories mirror one another. They are truly mother and daughter, and this is a story worthy of the great Mary Robinson. This is the way human beings act, and interact. They are messy, selfish, sincere, selfless, pitiable, enviable, confusing, engaging, striving, contradictory. Human beings do not, and can not, react in predictable or even completely coherent ways. That is something that Poodle Bitch admires about this show.

If Cate didn’t have feelings for Baze, Abby explains to Cate, then it wouldn’t matter that Baze has feelings for her.

Having watched the program for the last six weeks, Poodle Bitch cannot understand why anyone would be conflicted about the choice between Ryan and Baze. Ryan is clearly and logically the better man. He is sincere, earnest, trustworthy, kind, loyal, and the actor who portrays him, Kerr Smith, has absolutely dreamy, bedroom eyes. Baze is an irresponsible schlub. But he is also good-looking, in a disheveled sort of way, and he is endearing in his infrequent attempts at self-improvement, spurred on by the appearance of his daughter. He’s helped by the fact that he is portrayed by Kristoffer Polaha, who is no Kerr Smith, but is not without charm.

Yet Baze displays his venality when Cate confronts him later. I lied to get Abby to break up with me, he explains. He doesn’t have any feelings for Cate. The actress who portrays Cate, Shiri Appleby, manages to convey apprehension, hurt, anger, and disgust with a single glance. Ms. Appleby has been gifted with a pair of eyes that are unusually large, bright, and expressive, and she uses them to great effect; there are times when the writing is uneven, but Ms. Appleby’s eyes can cover almost any weaknesses in the writing, as infrequent as those are.

When Cate asks Baze, “You want to know what I think of you?” and then answers her question with “Not much,” it’s the look that gives the line its power.

Back at the radio station, Ryan is able to help Lux understand the extent to which she hurt Jones’s feelings by rejecting him. It’s not unlike when Lux was an orphan, and she was rejected by a certain foster family. Rejection hurts, no matter the size of the rejection, or the circumstances. Lux needs to be more empathic – a quality that might have hurt her during her life as a foster child.

Even Baze grows up a little bit, telling Abby that he lied about having feelings for Cate. He lets her down nicely. But Abby thinks Baze is lying about lying. “The fact that that was your go-to lie – there’s probably more to it than you think.”

For her part, Cate admits that she is a little jealous of Baze and Abby, and she is afraid of what that means. Later, in talking with Abby, Cate comes to realize that much of the strain on the sisters’ relationship was caused by her resentment over the fact that during her pregnancy, she felt like no one was there for her – not even her younger sister. Abby has felt shut out of Cate’s life since the time when she was pregnant with Lux, and maybe that’s why she started dating Baze; it was a way to “insinuate” herself back into Cate’s life, in a meaningful way.

This leads to a tearful hug between the sisters. It also leads to Poodle Bitch fighting back tears. Cate and Ryan decide not to elope, but they are going to get married in two weeks, which, Poodle Bitch notes, is the season finale.

Poodle Bitch sincerely hopes that Cate doesn’t mess things up before then. Poodle Bitch also must admit that she kind of hopes that Cate does “mess things up.” That’s what humans do.

Mary Robinson photo source.

Poodle Bitch Still Does Not Know "The Price of Beauty," and She Wonders Why Jessica Simpson was the One They Asked

Poodle Bitch has made no secret of her contempt for Jessica Simpson. The woman is vacuous and pathetic, eliciting both sympathy and irritation. Ms. Simpson seems to have only two redeeming qualities—the breasts that her father has boasted “can’t be hidden.” She continues to push herself upon a public that can only bear so much of her, laughing until the tragedy becomes almost too much to bear, and then forgetting her again.

At some point, Poodle Bitch wishes that Ms. Simpson would get on with her life, if not out of the public spotlight, at the very least in such a way as to better herself. Despite her fame, she has met with stunning failure as a singer, actress, and variety show host. She seems to have terrible taste in human men. Something must be done; she must help herself. No one else will.

Perhaps traveling the world, learning about other cultures, could help her.

Poodle Bitch will admit that she was at first intrigued when she heard about Ms. Simpson’s new show, “The Prince of Beauty.” A television program dissecting the cultural differences about ideals of beauty, even physical beauty, could make for penetrating television. Having Ms. Simpson along as host added another layer. This, after all, is a woman who has built much of her career on the sturdy edifice provided by those breasts that her own father loves so much. Moreover, she has been accused of being everything from “too fat” to “too skinny.” There is much there to play with.

Alas, Poodle Bitch is disappointed to report that “The Prince of Beauty” neatly sidesteps any of its unique possibilities. It is difficult to say this after merely one episode, but Poodle Bitch believes that it might actually be the worst television show that the odious VH1 has ever offered.

And Ms. Simpson might be the least appealing “star” VH1 has ever built a television program around.

Ms. Simpson begins the first episode with a doe-eyed lament that “there is a lot of pressure to feel beautiful.” Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps the pressure that Ms. Simpson is feeling has more to do with looking, than feeling beautiful. Poodle Bitch is not a human, but she has a hard time understanding why anyone would care whether Ms. Simpson feels beautiful.

Is not the issue that she must look beautiful?

Yes, for Ms. Simpson flatly states that “People put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.” This is spoken as part of a voice over, while images of Ms. Simpson in short, tight dresses on red carpets are displayed. Poodle Bitch cannot help but wonder if perhaps Ms. Simpson is actually part of the problem, if indeed this is a problem?

Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson is one of those “people” who put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.

“I’m going to travel the world to see what makes a woman in different cultures feel beautiful,” Ms. Simpson insists. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson does in fact require some kind of education in that regard. However, she believes that Ms. Simpson should take her educational medicine without a camera for which to perform. Ms. Simpson does not represent America. She does not represent American culture. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson represents nothing more than a spoiled, privileged, sad young woman trying desperately to prove her relevance to an indifferent world.

Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson would undertake such a journey of discovery if last country album had done better?

Not helping are the two “friends” that Ms. Simpson brings along with her. One of them is a fellow named Ken, who does Ms. Simpson’s hair and makeup. In other words, this man is an employee of Ms. Simpson; yet he is described by her as “one of my best friends in the world.”

Poodle Bitch is a dog, so she is unclear on this point: Do humans typically pay their friends to hang out with them?

The other friend, CaCee, “just makes everybody laugh.” That is all we are told of her, although she is shown helping Ms. Simpson pick out clothing with Ken. Poodle Bitch cannot help but infer that the sad, truly friendless Ms. Simpson is paying CaCee to hang out with her, too. As her personal shopper, or stylist, or something equally tragic.

How is Poodle Bitch to enjoy a program when she feels sad for the protagonist? Sadness that gives way to irritation, such as when Ms. Simpson states “The reason I’m going on the journey of beauty in all of these different countries is because I want to find it for myself.” Poodle Bitch wonders what, exactly, “it” is supposed to be in that illiterate sentence? “Beauty”? Poodle Bitch wonders about a human who needs help finding an abstract idea.

Poodle Bitch also wonders why she should care whether a woman who has built her career on having enormous breasts, and shapely legs, but very little in the way of intelligence, ever finds “beauty.”

The first stop for these three sophisticates is Bangkok Thailand. The three are shown being driven in a large automobile, pointing at various landmarks and making inane observations. Poodle Bitch is already considering urinating on her television set.

“It’s a whole—nuther world,” CaCee says. This is the woman who, according to Ms. Simpson, “makes everybody laugh.”

Apparently, she doesn’t make everybody think.

The three are of course “exhausted” from their flight, so they get a Thai massage. Ms. Simpson hopes she doesn’t pass gas, then gasps and cries, “ow!” as her body is contorted by the massage. Has she learned anything about beauty yet?

Thailand’s “beauty ambassador” is a model and actress named Sonia Couling, who hosts Thailand’s version of “America’s Next Top Model.”

Poodle Bitch knows when she is being played for a sucker, and she has now reached her breaking point. The television has gone off. Nothing about this program is serious; it is merely a television vehicle for Ms. Simpson, an excuse for her to take her “friends” with her on a trip around the world, while, for a change, someone else pays them to associate with her.

Poodle Bitch has better things to do with her time.

Pity poor Jessica Simpson. She tried to capitalize on her physical assets, her career faltered, and now she is suddenly concerned about what other cultures consider beautiful.

Photo source.

Poodle Bitch Wonders About the Sexual Habits of Humans-- or at Least of Heidi Montag

That headline is misleading. To be honest, Poodle Bitch does not wonder about the sexual habits of humans, at least not usually. Unfortunately, her eye came across a bit of news about the new Heidi Montag (Poodle Bitch thought she was calling herself "Heidi Pratt" now) album. She read some of the lyrics. And she shuddered:

On Tuesday, after three years of waiting, she [Heidi Montag] officially dropped her debut album, Superficial -- and she gets racy. Verrry racy.

Take the track "I'll Do It," for instance.

"I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em," she sings. "Come eat my panties off of me / Do whatever you feel comes naturally."

Poodle Bitch would like to point out first of all that "verrry" in the second sentence pulled from the US magazine article was the original author's attempt at something Poodle Bitch can only assume was "hipness." She does not make such grammatical errors.

As to the actual content quoted above, Poodle Bitch does appreciate the idea that Ms. Montag might bring her romantic partner "treats," perhaps tomato slices. All creatures, including humans, should get treats. But the next lines-- "come eat my panties off me/Do whatever you feel comes naturally" are confusing to Poodle Bitch.

Is it natural to eat panties?

Poodle Bitch wonders if humans can become sufficiently aroused so as to want to ingest human undergarments, composed as they are of cotton, silk, or lace, and containing as they do the remnants of varying types of human waste, however trace those remnants might be.

This especially given what we know of Ms. Montag-or-Ms. Pratt's eating habits.


Poodle Bitch wonders if after they shared their Taco Bell "treats," did Spencer Pratt then ingest his wife's panties as well?

Photo source.