Poodle Bitch's First Video

Poodle Bitch has created a short piece of animation, which can now be seen on YouTube. It is not exactly "Lady and the Tramp," but it is at least as good as the collection of dog cartoons from The New Yorker. Poodle Bitch believes it is certainly worth 40 seconds of your time.

Poodle Bitch is Annoyed By Mystery Spam

Poodle Bitch has received a spam email that is simultaneously flattering and sinister. She would be more scared, if she weren't swelled with pride over how trustworthy some people claim to believe she is.

Of course, Poodle Bitch does not know how seriously she should take compliments when they're contained within an email that is addressed "Dear Sir/Madam."

Poodle Bitch is a Bitch; she is neither a "sir" nor a "madam."

Salam(Urgent Business Assistant in Asia)‏
From: Medivet Veterinary Group
Sent: Sun 9/27/09 6:05 AM

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am KAREN BLAIR, the regional purchasing manager of Medivet Veterinary Group, 4 Mowat Industrial Estate Sandown Road Watford Hertfordshire WD24 7UY IN UNITED KINGDOM,

before I had a car accident.... I cannot continue my business for now because of my present condition and that is why I am contacting you.I used to represent my company to several Asian countries to purchase a product called "Adequan"..

This product is a vaccine use for animal treatment and health care. It is very essential in raising animals like horses, lambs, Sheep, cows, dogs etc. As of this, I am having a business proposal for you. Please find the statements below:

1. I will introduce you to my company's General Manager as being the main and only Supplier of the said vaccine.

2. The vaccine costs USD 8,500 per packet in UNITED STATES, but in Malaysia, Pacific Asia sub-region where I have been purchasing it, it relatively cheaper being USD 2,200 per packet. You will be supplying it to my company at the rate of USD 4,000 per carton.

3. Note that the actual cost price of the vaccine (USD 2,200) remains confidential and should not be disclosed to my company GM as this will affect our profit.

4. Neither my company directors know the seller of this product nor the seller know my company directors; I will however introduce you as the main supplier.

My company normally purchases 80-100 packets in each trip I make depending on the quantity left behind in the company. The seller of this product is a woman, you will purchase the product from the woman and supply to my company, my company will make payment to you cash on delivery. Let the above mentioned be in mutual beneficiary for us and an opportunity to embark in future engagements. I need somebody trustworthy to be introduced as the main supplier. Finally, if you wish to take up this offer, kindly get back to me so that I can give you all contact details and that of my GM whom you will contact and send you quotation. I also will give you the price to quote; in return my GM will then issue you an LPO (Legal Purchasing Order).Should you have any question regarding this business, don't hesitate to ask me.. my email:karen.blair01@yahoo.com

Awaiting your swift response.

Best Regards,

KAREN BLAIR

Poodle Bitch is no expert, but the language of this email reminds her of what it must be like to deal with drug dealers. The sellers and company directors do not know one another, and must be kept in the dark as to their respective identities. Moreover, the actual price of the product must not be disclosed.

Oops. Perhaps Poodle Bitch should have redacted the prices listed in this spam email. Or, even better, perhaps the composer of this spam email should not have disclosed the prices.

Come to think of it, since the people in the email are selling animal vaccines, Poodle Bitch supposes that, literally, these people are drug dealers. Poodle Bitch will take a pass on this particular "opportunity."

Project Runway 6 Episode 6: Life is Unfair, and So Are the Judges

The designers are taken to a movie studio lot- it looks like it might be the Fox lot, but Poodle Bitch is unsure. She does not regularly visit studio lots; she is not one of the “beautiful poodles.” Tim Gunn and Collier Strong tell the designers that their next challenge will be to choose a film genre, and create an outfit for a character from that genre.

As the winner of the previous challenge (and deservedly so), poodle companion Irina is given the chance to select first. She rather sensibly chooses film noir. Poodle Bitch has to say that she is a bit disappointed; Irina has immunity, and could really have let her “inhibitions run wild” (sorry, she has Rod Stewart on the brain, for some reason) with something like science fiction; but, no matter. Irina is the top designer, and Poodle Bitch has faith.

The designers’ names are pulled from a bag at random by Mr. Gunn.

Logan chooses action adventure. Given the way some of the models talk about Logan on “Models of the Runway,” Poodle Bitch is sure that they will disappointed that “pornography” was not a genre up for selection.

Carol Hannah does not pick woodland fairy, she , too, chooses action adventure. Perhaps she’ll make something for Legolas?

Ra’mon takes science fiction. He interviews that he grew up watching “sci fi,” and knows all about “Star Wars” and “Star Trek.” Poodle Bitch is not a snob about speculative fiction like a certain human with whom she lives, so she will refrain from making comments on the science fictional worth of the two “Star” series, “Wars” and “Trek.”

Louise goes obvious and selects “film noir.” “That has your name written all over it,” as Mr. Gunn says. Poodle Bitch has watched enough reality to know that this is what’s called “foreshadowing.”

Althea also chooses film noir, and now Poodle Bitch is confused. She thought there were only two of each genre. How can poodle companion Irina, Louise, and dull as dishwater Althea all select the same genre?

Gordana selects period piece.

Nicolas unsurprisingly selects science fiction. Did he not do some kind of ridiculous straight out of Philip K Dick’s most fevered Valis inspired nightmare outfit last week?


Nicolas designed these (along with Gordana, in fairness to him- but he did most of the design work) a few weeks ago. Poodle Bitch believes no comment is necessary- this criticizes itself.

Christopher selects period piece.

This leaves two “westerns” left, for Shirin and Epperson. No one wanted to do any western-inspired outfits, for some reason. Poodle Bitch thinks this might be an interesting way for certain designers to stand out. She has to admit that “film noir” is probably a bit too easy for most of these designers.

Epperson complains that he wanted “period piece,” but Poodle Bitch would like to point out that, by definition, westerns are period pieces. It is all in how one looks at it.

The designers are immediately taken off the (Fox?) lot and back to the Fashion Institute, which makes little sense to Poodle Bitch. Why bother taking them to the lot in the first place, if they’re only going to spend five minutes picking genres? They could have done that at the Institute. Even worse, the designers are informed that this is a one-day challenge. They have until midnight tonight to finish. So they spent two hours each way, in traffic, traveling to the lot that served only as a pretty backdrop, and now have until midnight to create their clothing?

Epperson begins by thinking of John Wayne, which won’t help him to design a gown.

Shirin starts thinking “saloon girl.” Poodle Bitch is a big fan of the television show “Deadwood,” and she does not understand why these designers are so down on western wear. There is plenty of interest to be done with it.

Carol Hannah is foregoing the “woodland sprite” look, and doing a sexy assassin. Poodle Bitch would ironically point out that that hasn’t been done before.

Logan apparently has a crush on Carol Hannah. “She’s nice to have around,” he interviews, with timid charm. Regular viewers of “Models of the Runway” know that Logan could have his pick from among almost any of the models, so his interest in Carol Hannah is both unfortunate and misplaced. Regardless, Poodle Bitch hopes that he has a happy life.

Oh, and Logan is designing a “military esque-slash-like sword fighter.” This is just another way of saying “sexy assassin look.”

For her part, Carol Hannah thinks Logan is “distracting” and “hot.” Don’t get burned!

Nicolas says that he’s out in fantasy land. In his own world. Given his feelings about his own work, Poodle Bitch would agree with that.

Althea says she likes “the sort of femme fatale woman, very sort of classic, edgy.” Poodle Bitch would like to point out to Althea that “femme fatale woman” is a redundancy, and there is very little that is “edgy” about a fashion designer being inspired by films noir. If Althea really were “edgy,” she would have selected “western” as her genre. As it is, Poodle Bitch is far more interested to see what “Trekker” Ra’mon comes up with.

Irina feels she doesn’t need immunity.

Christopher worries his interpretation of “period piece” might confuse the judges. If someone like, say, Nicolas who makes the same thing over and over again and has very little in the way of actual inspiration, were to say this, Poodle Bitch might consider it an example of hubris, but given Christopher’s relative skill, and the way the judges have judged this season, Poodle Bitch shares his concern.

Epperson makes the valid point that Poodle Bitch had been thinking. “’Western’ is a ‘period’,” he says. But it is his job to make “western” an exclamation.


Epperson has been creating good designs from the first episode. Why has he not yet won any of the challenges?

Someone keeps stealing Louise’s bobbins. Even as she sews, she is still working on her concept. More foreshadowing. Poodle Bitch is beginning to worry for her.

Mr. Gunn doesn’t like Christopher’s bare-armed gown for his Victorian vampire bride.

Epperson has embraced the western genre. “Annie get your gun,” Mr. Gunn says appreciatively. He is seduced by Epperson’s ruffles. Poodle Bitch would love to make something that seduces Tim Gunn.

Ra’mon’s human alien hybrid skin-like jumpsuit could be “sublime, or a big, hot mess.”

Louise needs to be less minimal.

Nicolas is told to exaggerate and go bigger. Poodle Bitch agrees. Nicolas is dull. He is so dull that part of his time with Mr. Gunn is taken up with an expression of worry about Ra’mon’s design. When Nicolas thinks of “sci fi,” he thinks of beautiful, not Godzilla. Ra’mon is twice the designer you are, Nicolas. Ra’mon is skilled and serious. You are silly.

But now Ra’mon is second-guessing himself. “It’s Kermit the frog gone wrong.” He’s going to start from scratch. A dress? A coat? Despite the fact that Ra’mon almost single-handedly saved Mitchell from elimination in the third episode, Poodle Bitch is beginning to worry about him.

Irina barely finishes her dress. Poodle Bitch has to say that she is not heartened by the small glimpses she has gotten from the editing.

This week’s judges are John Varvatos (Poodle Bitch is unsure of who he is, but she seems to vaguely recall finding herself on his email list, for some reason), Marie Claire editor Zoe Glassner , and Academy Award nominated designer Arianne Phillips.

Poodle Bitch needn’t have worried. Irina’s model looks dangerous and elegant.

Carol Hannah’s model looks like a character from “The Matrix.” Excuse Poodle Bitch while she yawns.

The same can be said for Logan’s. It looks like their pillow talk involved exchanging design ideas.


Ra'mon won such praise for the tiedye dress, which almost saved Mitchell. Can he go back to the well again (or, should Poodle Bitch say "toilet"? she has read that the above dress was dyed in one).

Oh, how Poodle Bitch wants to love Ra’mon’s design- and she does. Alas, it is the execution that lets him down. It looks like it was thrown together at the last minute, as it likely was.

Poodle Bitch’s favorites were Irina, Epperson Christopher, and Ra’mon. Her least favorites were Carol Hannah, Logan, and Nicolas. Irina, Carol Hannah, and Logan ended up in the middle, and are excused from the runway.

The judges think Gordana’s design is too dull, and too derivative. Poodle Bitch agrees.

Nicolas’s silly ice queen dress impresses the judges, for some reason. “Clever, bold, and risky,” Zoe says. Poodle Bitch would use the more appropriate adjectives, “Uninspired, safe, and boring” to describe the outfit. The hair and makeup, on the other hand, are quite interesting.

They call Louise’s dress boring and unspecial. This after praising Nicolas. Poodle Bitch wonders how it is that we are to take the judges seriously. Where is Michael Kors? Where is Nina Garcia?

Christopher’s mixing of eras gets praise from the judges.

The judges don’t like Ra’mon’s dress, much as they like his story. “Hot green mess,” Heidi says.

They did like Epperson’s denim and leather dress, with it seductive ruffles.

But it’s Nicolas’s ice queen that “blew away” the judges. How could the judges have gotten it so right last week, and so wrong this week? Nicolas’s dress might have been well-made, but it showed none of the inspiration of Ra’mon’s.

Ra’mon is sent home. Poodle Bitch cannot believe it. The judges must be smoking something that takes away their common sense. Carol Hannah, Logan, Althea, Gordana, and Nicolas are all far lesser designers, who "played it safe." Yet they are given passes, and in Nicolas's case, an undeserved victory.

This season has certainly tested Poodle Bitch. She understands that life is unfair, and the best designers are often treated shabbily by the vaguaries of fate, but must “Project Runway” so closely mirror that fact?

Ra'mon design picture source.
Nicolas design picture source.
Epperson design picture source.

Dogs are not People. Humans Need to Accept This.

Poodle Bitch finds it simultaneously charming and sad that humans insist on studying animals in human terms. She understands the reason for this, as humans are only human, and have a human frame of reference. But she has to wonder why it is that they never seem to tire of doing the same things over and over again, and expecting newer, more insightful results.

Poodle Bitch finally made it through this long Time story entitled "The Secrets Inside Your Dog's Mind," and she is once again left scratching her head. Apparently, Duke University has a facility (or will have, the article is poorly worded) called the Duke Canine Cognition Center. How serious is this facility? Poodle Bitch instructs the reader to take a look at the photo of the person who will be heading it:



How absolutely adorable! The head of this very important scientific facility is photographed upside down, laying on the ground beside a noble greyhound that is at least 32% more attractive than he. Taking a break that, the caption assures us, is "well deserved." Because this work, Poodle Bitch is sure, is quite strenuous:

"Henry!" he says. Henry is a big black schnauzer-poodle mix--a schnoodle, in the words of his owner, Tracy Kivell, another Duke anthropologist. Kivell holds on to Henry's collar so that he can only gaze at the biscuit.

"You got it?" Hare asks Henry. Hare then steps back until he's standing between a pair of inverted plastic cups on the floor. He quickly puts the hand holding the biscuit under one cup, then the other, and holds up both empty hands. Hare could run a very profitable shell game. No one in the room--neither dog nor human--can tell which cup hides the biscuit.

Henry could find the biscuit by sniffing the cups or knocking them over. But Hare does not plan to let him have it so easy. Instead, he simply points at the cup on the right. Henry looks at Hare's hand and follows the pointed finger. Kivell then releases the leash, and Henry walks over to the cup that Hare is pointing to. Hare lifts it to reveal the biscuit reward.

Henry the schnoodle just did a remarkable thing. Understanding a pointed finger may seem easy, but consider this: while humans and canines can do it naturally, no other known species in the animal kingdom can. Consider too all the mental work that goes into figuring out what a pointed finger means: paying close attention to a person, recognizing that a gesture reflects a thought, that another animal can even have a thought. Henry, as Kivell affectionately admits, may not be "the sharpest knife in the drawer," but compared to other animals, he's a true scholar.

Poodle Bitch believes it is Henry the "schnoodle" who is running the shell game. She finds it remarkable that humans would find this remarkable. A domesticated dog found a biscuit, after being told where it was by a human.

So the humans think.

Henry the schnoodle knew where that biscuit was the entire time. Henry smelled it. Poodle Bitch would think that anyone who was in charge of something so serious sounding as a Canine Cognition Center would at least know something about dogs' sense of smell.

Poodle Bitch would also like to point out that Henry could tell exactly what it was that the human expected of his behavior, because he has lived with humans his entire life. Domesticated pets have to read their humans companions because they depend upon them for food and shelter. In this way, the cynic would point out, they have fully assimilated the human concept of "love."

Speaking of "pointing," which seems to so fascinated the researchers and the author of the article:

A chimp can follow the gaze of other chimps and figure out what they can and cannot see. That's a skill that seems to be limited to great apes and humans. Tomasello and his team wondered if such a rare ability extended to hand gestures and tested chimps to see if they could understand pointing. To their surprise, the chimps did badly, able to learn the meaning of a pointed finger only after lots of training.

It is only after "lots of training" that any animal can do anything of interest to humans. Any animal that spends a lot of time with humans is going to pick up on those things, and do them. The animal will do this out of "love." Poodle Bitch notes W. Somerset Maugham's famous quotation "Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species."

Poodle Bitch disagrees with the tone of the quotation, but the sentiment is certainly true. It is not a dirty trick, but it is a trick. It's a trick in the same way that human love is a "trick." For a sense of safety and security, shelter, and, of course, food. Poodle Bitch would like to now show the author of the article, and the Duke researchers, exactly why it is that dogs are so good at figuring out the concept of "pointing":



The above is a photograph of what happens when Poodle Bitch attempts to cook for herself. This is the best she can do on her own; a microwaved banana. It took her all day. Humans, on the other hand, can make chicken, slice tomatoes, create soups and sauces, and truly lovely meals that she could not create on her own. Poodle Bitch has no opposable thumbs.

It is only the by the best good luck that she happens to love her humans so very much.

Poodle Bitch is Unhappy With the Shenanigans of the Massachusetts Legislature

Poodle Bitch typically attempts to avoid politics. The process is boorish, and tends to reward the worst of human nature (a nature that Poodle Bitch often finds befuddling, even at its best), and writing about the characters involved tends merely to encourage them.

That said, Poodle Bitch was irritated when she read about the Massachusetts legislature's raising of fees for dog registration.

State Republicans are howling mad over yet another tax hike being slipped through the Legislature that would slap an annual $3 state surcharge on municipal licensing fees canine owners pay for their pet pooches.

Sigh. Why must the author of the article insert the cutism "howling" into the paragraph? News of the extra $3 is quite bad enough, given the current state (so Poodle Bitch has heard) of the economy that is "changing lifestyles".

Unfortunately, one of the politicians that is "howling mad" is quoted, and his cutisms gave Poodle Bitch an eyeache:

“We’re trying to collar or neuter these onerous fees and counter the Democrats’ rabid obsession with increases,” said state Sen. Robert Hedlund (R-Weymouth).

First of all, some advice: Please settle upon one cutism per sentence. "Collar or neuter" sounds like you cannot makeup your mind about what you're trying to say, and you will lose the votes of those who are focused. And trust Poodle Bitch when she tells you that those two terms are most certainly not interchangeable. Second, and more important, if you are attempting to engage the sympathy of dog owners, do not joke about rabidity. As anyone who has seen the film "Old Yeller" will attest, rabidity is not funny.

But state Sen. Pat Jehlen (D-Somerville) argued the fee is necessary to fund a state spay-and-neutering plan meant to snip the state’s out-of-control problem with strays.

Poodle Bitch certainly appreciates spaying and neutering pets as a way of controlling the population of stray animals. But she wonders why it is that responsible pet owners should have to pay more for that, when they are already paying a fee.

Annual license fees range from $6 a year in Boston for neutered or spayed canines (and $17 for unfixed dogs) to a flat $20 in Plymouth.

Perhaps the state could find something to cut to make up the difference? Poodle Bitch notes that Massachusetts is facing a severe deficit for 2009. She wonders why responsible pet owners should be burdened by problems created by politicians?

[Laurence Pizer, Plymouth town clerk] added that the state surcharge would deter many residents from licensing their dogs - a practice that is already a tough sell.

Now Poodle Bitch is confused. Do some residents not license their dogs? How many do not? Is it against the law to not register dogs? Why isn't the law enforced as it stands? Perhaps if the fees were lowered, more people would register, and the state would bring in more money?

These are questions that could have been addressed, if the author of the article and the politicians involved had spent less time making dog-related cutisms.

Poodle Bitch notes that this is no way to celebrate National Dog Week.

Go Humans Go, Away

Poodle Bitch has a DVR, which means she does often catch televised commercials. Recently, however, she found herself flipping idly through the channels and witnessed a commercial for Quaker Oats.



The slogan is "Go Humans Go." Poodle Bitch believes that slogan is missing the word "Away." At least, as regards the company that created the ads.

Why are these people jumping on trampolines? Why are they jumping so high into the sky? Are these people unaware of the dangers of such an activity?

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), more than 89,000 trampoline-related injuries landed people in the emergency room in 2004. This number reflects an increase of about 150 percent from 1990.

Certainly Quaker Oats does not mean to encourage emergency room visits, when we are constantly being told of a health care crisis?

Of course Poodle Bitch is only half-serious about this. She would rather have children bouncing on trampolines than bothering her. But she wonders what the downright Sisyphusian activity of jumping up and then coming back down again has to do with "going"? These people, she wishes to point out, are not "going" anywhere. They are bouncing into the sky, only to come back down again. This hardly seems inspiring to her.

Another commercial is little better:



Of course the "jet pack" is allegorical, but is it meant also to be aspirational, as in "Get out there, humans, and create some jet packs!", or is it meant to be insulting, as in, "Humans, why haven't you created jet packs yet?"

And Poodle Bitch has not yet even addressed the slogan's vaguely feculent overtones. Yes, oats are known to help cure constipation, but do we really need to have such an obvious reminder?

Poodle Bitch wonders if those people using their jet packs to fly to the bathroom.

Then there is the fact that the ad specifically excludes non-humans. Poodle Bitch cares not even a little for eating oats- she much prefers tomato and chicken- but she happens to know that there are some non-human animals that eat oats. Mares, for instance, eat oats. Does, also, have been known to eat oats. And little lambs, not that it has anything to do with anything, eat ivy.

And Poodle Bitch has it on good authority that the mares and does are boycotting Quaker.

Human Beings Are Both Easily Entertained and Casually Cruel

Poodle Bitch discovered this video on yahoo's main page. Naturally, she is appalled.

French Bulldog Rolls Over @ Yahoo! Video

The reader will note that the video, nearly a full minute in length, features an adorable French bulldog pup struggling to get to his feet. He rocks back and forth on a hard, cold tile floor, all the while being filmed by a cruel human who- rather than help him to his feet- is content to let the pup continue to rock as he films the entire humiliating experience.

Poodle Bitch wonders at the casual cruelty displayed in this video.

The person holding the camera is telling the pup, "You are merely an objet d'amusement. You may remain, as long as you entertain your humans." Poodle Bitch does not wish to seem melodramatic, but this video represents a subtle form of psychological torture. She shudders to think of what is in store for this pup, as he grows into full doghood.

And, even removing the cruelty angle, she wonders why it is that any human would find it entertaining to watch a dog, even an adorable pup dog, rock back and forth for a full minute.

Of course, Poodle Bitch is also at a loss to explain the popularity of LOLCats.

Poodle Bitch would also like to note the misleading title. "French Bulldog Rolls Over," it is called. However, at no point does the French bulldog (pup) "roll over." The French bulldog spends nearly a full minute struggling to roll over, while a venal human gleefully films it all, for the entertainment of humans made complicit in the cruelty it represents.

Shame on yahoo, for putting this horribleness on your main page.