Poodle Bitch Did Not Expect to Love "Life Unexpected"

Poodle Bitch has first paw experience with adoption, as she herself was adopted as a mere pup. She considers herself lucky to have found the human companions that she did, as she has heard the most dreadful stories – stories she has neither the desire nor the stomach to relate here – of canine adoption nightmares.

Nevertheless, Poodle Bitch has on occasion wondered what her birth mother was like. What kind of bitch would Poodle Bitch be today, if that now nameless, faceless Poodle Mother had raised her? Poodle Bitch’s curiosity is idle at best, woolgathering for those times when she is otherwise unpreoccupied by important subjects and diversions. Diversions such as the television program “Life Unexpected.”

Poodle Bitch did not watch the first few episodes of this series because (a) it was on “The CW,” and Poodle Bitch was given to understand that “The CW” was exclusively for teenaged girls and dirty old men who write for glossy entertainment magazines about the "cultural relevance" of shows about teenaged girls engaging in three-ways, and, (b), it concerns a human teenaged girl who finds her birth mother after spending the first 15 years or so of her life as a “foster child.”

Poodle Bitch now regrets that she missed those early episodes. And she hopes that others will learn a lesson from her – that lesson being, don’t prejudge a show just because it appears on the same network as such tedious fare as “Gossip Girl,” and, well, to be honest, Poodle Bitch does not know any other CW shows by name.

But Poodle Bitch loves “Life Unexpected.” This was unexpected.

Poodle Bitch forgives herself for waiting until recently to give "Life Unexpected" a try. Who would blame her, when "The CW" marketed it by comparing it to the arch and artificial movie "Juno" and the equally glib and remote "Gilmore Girls"?

Tonight’s episode began with Cate and Ryan, hosts of a popular Portland morning radio show, deciding once again to get married. This is big news to viewers of the show, but if you haven’t been watching, Poodle Bitch will excuse you if you scratch your head. You see, Cate and Ryan were the engaged co-hosts of a popular morning radio show when their lives were turned upside down by the appearance of the teenaged daughter that Cate had put up for adoption back when Cate herself was a mere 16 years old.

16 is very, very old for a dog to be giving birth, but apparently for humans it is considered very early. So much so that Cate decided she could not provide her daughter with as good a life as some nameless, faceless adoptive parents. That is why Cate decided to do what she thought was best for her daughter, and let her go.

In a touching scene last week, Cate informed Ryan that she couldn’t even bear to hold her daughter, because she was afraid she might not want to let her go; even though she felt that this was in her daughter’s best interests.

Anyway, the reason that Cate and Ryan’s latest engagement is so important is that Ryan called off the engagement a few weeks ago, when he learned that Cate had slept with Baze when the two of them, Cate and Ryan, were technically not seeing each other.

And just who is Baze, Poodle Bitch can here you inquiring through the internet tubes. Well, Baze is the father of Cate’s daughter, Lux.

Speaking of Lux, she has some trouble of her own. As she arrives to school she encounters Jones, the star quarterback of the varsity football team. All that Poodle Bitch knows about football is that one of the quarterbacks in the NFL had a dogfighting ring, and that the man who is married to one of the Victoria Beckham, AKA Posh Spice, is also a player, although on another continent. Nevertheless, Poodle Bitch doesn’t hold this against the sweet Jones, who tried so hard to impress Lux a couple of weeks ago, when he drove her three hours to visit her friend Tasha who had been recently adopted.

Poodle Bitch implores the reader to keep up with her.

Jones took Lux to the winter formal, or some other type of cotillion that human teenagers enjoy. However, Lux’s former boyfriend, Bug (he has a tattoo on his neck), showed up, and the two of them engaged in the act of coitus immediately before Jones took her to this dancing event.

Baze found one of Bug’s condoms, and, thinking it belonged to Jones, went to the dance to confront Jones. Jones of course didn’t know what Baze was talking about, but Lux admitted that the condom was Bug’s, that Bug had returned to Portland from the hostel in Sacramento, and the two were picking up where they left off.

Jones, heartbroken, left the dance. Lux stayed, and Bug arrived with a bouquet of flowers.

And now, for some reason that Poodle Bitch doesn’t quite understand, Jones has invited Lux to his party. He encourages her to bring her boyfriend, Bug. “It will be great to see him again,” he says, ironically.

Cate, planning her wedding with real zest, asks Lux to be her maid of honor. Lux is honored by the request, although she doesn’t have a chance to actually say yes before Cate receives a call from her sister, Abby. Abby is miffed because she has only just heard that Cate is now re-engaged to Ryan – why did she have to receive this important information in a voice mail from their mother?

Well, Cate explains, if you were home more, or at least answered your phone, you would know everything that’s going on in my life. But apparently you’ve been “shacking up” with some “mystery man.”

At this point, Lux excuses herself. She knows the identity of the “mystery man.” And she knows that Cate will be upset when she discovers who it is, herself.

It is Baze. The man whose sperm fertilized the youthful Cate’s egg those 16 years before, in the back seat of a car in the school parking lot during the spring cotillion.

But Cate’s more immediate problem is that Abby has just assumed that she will be Cate’s maid of honor, and is already planning whatever types of events those so honored plan. Being a dog, Poodle Bitch has little knowledge of such things. But she does enjoy yoga; or, at least, she does a “downward facing dog” every time she gets up from a nap, so she is sympathetic to Abby’s suggestion that Baze accompany her to her yoga class.

However, Abby has only just suggested that Cate might want to do a workout herself, to avoid the whole “double boob thing,” an absurd suggestion, as the waifish Cate appears to weigh a delightful 98 pounds; but Cate takes the suggestion to heart.

And ends up at Abby’s yoga class. Stretching out next to Baze. At this point, Cate realizes that Baze and Abby are sleeping together. She declares, loudly, “You are th e guy that my sister is sleeping with?”

All of this before the first commercial break.

The episode concerned the attempt of Cate and Ryan to elope, rather than deal with the troubles that spring from planning a wedding involving their “crazy” relatives. They plan to take Lux and go to a bed and breakfast, and be married the next day.

Cate goes to Baze’s to retrieve Lux. Lux, however, is at the party at Jones’s. Because the rain has picked up, Cate is now stranded at Baze’s with her sister Abby, and Baze’s roommates. For their part, the roommates don’t like Abby – she is encroaching on their turf, and having what they consider a deleterious effect on their friend. They confront him to try to apprehend the real reasons for Baze’s sleeping with Cate’s sister.

Baze explains that he is really concerned about his daughter, Lux. You see, Lux walked in on Baze and Abby the morning after they’d spent their first night together. He wants to show Lux that it was actually more than just a “one night stand.”

Poodle Bitch knows only a very little about humans; mostly what she has read in the works of Mary Robinson and Samuel Johnson, but she can tell you that this sounds exactly like the type of thing that a human would say. Humans are very good at rationalizing their decisions. She understands that they must derive some comfort from that, and to a certain extent, she envies them.

Mary Robinson, the great author and dog companion, might have been at home writing for "Life Unexpected."

Abby claims that Cate is upset because she is jealous. She, Cate, really wants Baze. But Cate explains that her problem is with Abby, not Baze. Abby insinuates herself into Cate’s life “in the most insane ways.” Just as Abby “insinuated” herself into the maid of honor role, so has she “insinuated” herself into the bed of the father of her child.

That child, by the way, is having problems of her own. In a fit of jealousy, she confronts Jones after seeing him kiss another girl. Why is he “moving on,” when earlier that very day he claimed that he would have a hard time “moving on” from her?

Why does she want to be with Bug, but when she sees Jones with another girl, she becomes jealous? She can’t have it both ways, he tells her. She replies, incoherently, that she isn’t trying to have it both ways. But of course she is, which is another all-too-human characteristic.

Poodle Bitch lives her life in a way that is unequivocal, and uncompromising. That is an all-too-canine characteristic. But she will admit that she envies that humans can be so straight-faced in their schizophrenia.

Lux calls Ryan, and asks him to retrieve her from Jones’s party. Ryan does so, but with the rain coming down in hammers and nails they are unable to make it back home, so they must stop at the radio station where, apparently, they don’t have generators, as the power is out there, as it is back at Baze’s. Poodle Bitch knows little about radio, but she wonders why a radio station would lose power but that is a small quibble, as Ryan brings Lux into the radio booth, where the two seek to get to the root of Lux’s problems with Jones and Bug.

Lux and Bug have been together, “off and on,” for about two years. That is a lifetime for human teenagers. We are treated to a couple of flashbacks to Lux’s difficult life as a foster child. She has terrible abandonment issues. Poodle Bitch cannot imagine what it would be like to spend the first 15 years of your life moving from one temporary living situation after another.

But back to Cate and Baze, et al: Baze, having been convinced that he should stop seeing Abby, attempts to break up with her. She, being a therapist, is adept and parrying all of his reasons – he is just afraid of going after what he wants, because he’s afraid he’ll lose it.

No, Baze says, finally. I can’t see you anymore because I actually have feelings for Cate. “I had no idea,” Abby says. “Neither did I,” says Cate, who has been listening at the door.

It is unclear if Baze was being truthful, or if he was merely trying to get Abby to break up with her. But he’s stuck with his story, and he has to play it out.

“It’s going to be so weird now when we’re together,” Cate says. “Weird for Lux, weird for Ryan…”

Abby screams at Cate: “You bitch about us being together, and you bitch about us not being together,” she declares, using Poodle Bitch’s name inappropriately. “This isn’t Burger King, you don’t get to have everything your way!”

In this way, Lux’s and Cate’s stories mirror one another. They are truly mother and daughter, and this is a story worthy of the great Mary Robinson. This is the way human beings act, and interact. They are messy, selfish, sincere, selfless, pitiable, enviable, confusing, engaging, striving, contradictory. Human beings do not, and can not, react in predictable or even completely coherent ways. That is something that Poodle Bitch admires about this show.

If Cate didn’t have feelings for Baze, Abby explains to Cate, then it wouldn’t matter that Baze has feelings for her.

Having watched the program for the last six weeks, Poodle Bitch cannot understand why anyone would be conflicted about the choice between Ryan and Baze. Ryan is clearly and logically the better man. He is sincere, earnest, trustworthy, kind, loyal, and the actor who portrays him, Kerr Smith, has absolutely dreamy, bedroom eyes. Baze is an irresponsible schlub. But he is also good-looking, in a disheveled sort of way, and he is endearing in his infrequent attempts at self-improvement, spurred on by the appearance of his daughter. He’s helped by the fact that he is portrayed by Kristoffer Polaha, who is no Kerr Smith, but is not without charm.

Yet Baze displays his venality when Cate confronts him later. I lied to get Abby to break up with me, he explains. He doesn’t have any feelings for Cate. The actress who portrays Cate, Shiri Appleby, manages to convey apprehension, hurt, anger, and disgust with a single glance. Ms. Appleby has been gifted with a pair of eyes that are unusually large, bright, and expressive, and she uses them to great effect; there are times when the writing is uneven, but Ms. Appleby’s eyes can cover almost any weaknesses in the writing, as infrequent as those are.

When Cate asks Baze, “You want to know what I think of you?” and then answers her question with “Not much,” it’s the look that gives the line its power.

Back at the radio station, Ryan is able to help Lux understand the extent to which she hurt Jones’s feelings by rejecting him. It’s not unlike when Lux was an orphan, and she was rejected by a certain foster family. Rejection hurts, no matter the size of the rejection, or the circumstances. Lux needs to be more empathic – a quality that might have hurt her during her life as a foster child.

Even Baze grows up a little bit, telling Abby that he lied about having feelings for Cate. He lets her down nicely. But Abby thinks Baze is lying about lying. “The fact that that was your go-to lie – there’s probably more to it than you think.”

For her part, Cate admits that she is a little jealous of Baze and Abby, and she is afraid of what that means. Later, in talking with Abby, Cate comes to realize that much of the strain on the sisters’ relationship was caused by her resentment over the fact that during her pregnancy, she felt like no one was there for her – not even her younger sister. Abby has felt shut out of Cate’s life since the time when she was pregnant with Lux, and maybe that’s why she started dating Baze; it was a way to “insinuate” herself back into Cate’s life, in a meaningful way.

This leads to a tearful hug between the sisters. It also leads to Poodle Bitch fighting back tears. Cate and Ryan decide not to elope, but they are going to get married in two weeks, which, Poodle Bitch notes, is the season finale.

Poodle Bitch sincerely hopes that Cate doesn’t mess things up before then. Poodle Bitch also must admit that she kind of hopes that Cate does “mess things up.” That’s what humans do.

Mary Robinson photo source.

Poodle Bitch Still Does Not Know "The Price of Beauty," and She Wonders Why Jessica Simpson was the One They Asked

Poodle Bitch has made no secret of her contempt for Jessica Simpson. The woman is vacuous and pathetic, eliciting both sympathy and irritation. Ms. Simpson seems to have only two redeeming qualities—the breasts that her father has boasted “can’t be hidden.” She continues to push herself upon a public that can only bear so much of her, laughing until the tragedy becomes almost too much to bear, and then forgetting her again.

At some point, Poodle Bitch wishes that Ms. Simpson would get on with her life, if not out of the public spotlight, at the very least in such a way as to better herself. Despite her fame, she has met with stunning failure as a singer, actress, and variety show host. She seems to have terrible taste in human men. Something must be done; she must help herself. No one else will.

Perhaps traveling the world, learning about other cultures, could help her.

Poodle Bitch will admit that she was at first intrigued when she heard about Ms. Simpson’s new show, “The Prince of Beauty.” A television program dissecting the cultural differences about ideals of beauty, even physical beauty, could make for penetrating television. Having Ms. Simpson along as host added another layer. This, after all, is a woman who has built much of her career on the sturdy edifice provided by those breasts that her own father loves so much. Moreover, she has been accused of being everything from “too fat” to “too skinny.” There is much there to play with.

Alas, Poodle Bitch is disappointed to report that “The Prince of Beauty” neatly sidesteps any of its unique possibilities. It is difficult to say this after merely one episode, but Poodle Bitch believes that it might actually be the worst television show that the odious VH1 has ever offered.

And Ms. Simpson might be the least appealing “star” VH1 has ever built a television program around.

Ms. Simpson begins the first episode with a doe-eyed lament that “there is a lot of pressure to feel beautiful.” Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps the pressure that Ms. Simpson is feeling has more to do with looking, than feeling beautiful. Poodle Bitch is not a human, but she has a hard time understanding why anyone would care whether Ms. Simpson feels beautiful.

Is not the issue that she must look beautiful?

Yes, for Ms. Simpson flatly states that “People put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.” This is spoken as part of a voice over, while images of Ms. Simpson in short, tight dresses on red carpets are displayed. Poodle Bitch cannot help but wonder if perhaps Ms. Simpson is actually part of the problem, if indeed this is a problem?

Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson is one of those “people” who put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.

“I’m going to travel the world to see what makes a woman in different cultures feel beautiful,” Ms. Simpson insists. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson does in fact require some kind of education in that regard. However, she believes that Ms. Simpson should take her educational medicine without a camera for which to perform. Ms. Simpson does not represent America. She does not represent American culture. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson represents nothing more than a spoiled, privileged, sad young woman trying desperately to prove her relevance to an indifferent world.

Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson would undertake such a journey of discovery if last country album had done better?

Not helping are the two “friends” that Ms. Simpson brings along with her. One of them is a fellow named Ken, who does Ms. Simpson’s hair and makeup. In other words, this man is an employee of Ms. Simpson; yet he is described by her as “one of my best friends in the world.”

Poodle Bitch is a dog, so she is unclear on this point: Do humans typically pay their friends to hang out with them?

The other friend, CaCee, “just makes everybody laugh.” That is all we are told of her, although she is shown helping Ms. Simpson pick out clothing with Ken. Poodle Bitch cannot help but infer that the sad, truly friendless Ms. Simpson is paying CaCee to hang out with her, too. As her personal shopper, or stylist, or something equally tragic.

How is Poodle Bitch to enjoy a program when she feels sad for the protagonist? Sadness that gives way to irritation, such as when Ms. Simpson states “The reason I’m going on the journey of beauty in all of these different countries is because I want to find it for myself.” Poodle Bitch wonders what, exactly, “it” is supposed to be in that illiterate sentence? “Beauty”? Poodle Bitch wonders about a human who needs help finding an abstract idea.

Poodle Bitch also wonders why she should care whether a woman who has built her career on having enormous breasts, and shapely legs, but very little in the way of intelligence, ever finds “beauty.”

The first stop for these three sophisticates is Bangkok Thailand. The three are shown being driven in a large automobile, pointing at various landmarks and making inane observations. Poodle Bitch is already considering urinating on her television set.

“It’s a whole—nuther world,” CaCee says. This is the woman who, according to Ms. Simpson, “makes everybody laugh.”

Apparently, she doesn’t make everybody think.

The three are of course “exhausted” from their flight, so they get a Thai massage. Ms. Simpson hopes she doesn’t pass gas, then gasps and cries, “ow!” as her body is contorted by the massage. Has she learned anything about beauty yet?

Thailand’s “beauty ambassador” is a model and actress named Sonia Couling, who hosts Thailand’s version of “America’s Next Top Model.”

Poodle Bitch knows when she is being played for a sucker, and she has now reached her breaking point. The television has gone off. Nothing about this program is serious; it is merely a television vehicle for Ms. Simpson, an excuse for her to take her “friends” with her on a trip around the world, while, for a change, someone else pays them to associate with her.

Poodle Bitch has better things to do with her time.

Pity poor Jessica Simpson. She tried to capitalize on her physical assets, her career faltered, and now she is suddenly concerned about what other cultures consider beautiful.

Photo source.

Poodle Bitch Wonders About the Sexual Habits of Humans-- or at Least of Heidi Montag

That headline is misleading. To be honest, Poodle Bitch does not wonder about the sexual habits of humans, at least not usually. Unfortunately, her eye came across a bit of news about the new Heidi Montag (Poodle Bitch thought she was calling herself "Heidi Pratt" now) album. She read some of the lyrics. And she shuddered:

On Tuesday, after three years of waiting, she [Heidi Montag] officially dropped her debut album, Superficial -- and she gets racy. Verrry racy.

Take the track "I'll Do It," for instance.

"I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em," she sings. "Come eat my panties off of me / Do whatever you feel comes naturally."

Poodle Bitch would like to point out first of all that "verrry" in the second sentence pulled from the US magazine article was the original author's attempt at something Poodle Bitch can only assume was "hipness." She does not make such grammatical errors.

As to the actual content quoted above, Poodle Bitch does appreciate the idea that Ms. Montag might bring her romantic partner "treats," perhaps tomato slices. All creatures, including humans, should get treats. But the next lines-- "come eat my panties off me/Do whatever you feel comes naturally" are confusing to Poodle Bitch.

Is it natural to eat panties?

Poodle Bitch wonders if humans can become sufficiently aroused so as to want to ingest human undergarments, composed as they are of cotton, silk, or lace, and containing as they do the remnants of varying types of human waste, however trace those remnants might be.

This especially given what we know of Ms. Montag-or-Ms. Pratt's eating habits.


Poodle Bitch wonders if after they shared their Taco Bell "treats," did Spencer Pratt then ingest his wife's panties as well?

Photo source.

Should Poodle Bitch be Worried About H1N1?

Poodle Bitch was pleased to discover that yahoo had a gallery of canine-related photos for her perusal. "Dogs at Work and Play," was the headline. There is little that gives Poodle Bitch more joy than to see her fellow dogs working and playing.

Unfortunately, Poodle Bitch began to lose her appetite with the second photo in the gallery:

Original caption: Randel Pride of Peoria, Ill., playing Santa Claus, gets his beard cleaned by an affectionate five-month old Yorkshire Terrier named 'Ella' during pet pictures with Santa at My Dog's Bakery and Boutique in Peoria, Ill., Saturday, Dec. 5, 2009. Over 100 dogs and one cat had their portraits taken with the Jolly Old Elf, with proceeds to benefit local shelters.

Poodle Bitch cares little for the enforced jollity of the "holiday season," although she does not begrudge others for enjoying it. Most especially the children and puppies, and according to the caption, the yorkshire terrier depicted in the above photo is "an affectionate five-month old." (And what if she had been an irritable five-month old? Or irascible? Would the picture still have made it into the gallery?)

However, Poodle Bitch loses her appetite whenever she sees a dog licking someone else's hair. Especially when that hair is fake. What do they use to simulate the whiskers of "the Jolly Old Elf?"

But later in the gallery, Poodle Bitch was appalled to discover something far more disturbing.

Original caption: Pet dogs are seen wearing masks after local media reported that two dogs were infected with H1N1 flu virus in Beijing, Tuesday, Dec. 1, 2009.

Poodle Bitch must pause a moment to take this in.

Dogs are now becoming infected with the virus formerly known as "swine flu"? Poodle Bitch was aware that LOLCats were susceptible, as an Iowa cat was supposed to have caught the virus. This after the ASPCA suggested that Poodle Bitch and other dogs, and cats, had little to fear from the virus.

Naturally, Poodle Bitch was alarmed. As she does when she becomes alarmed, Poodle Bitch took a deep breath, counted to ten, and then started gnawing on her forepaw. This calms her, although her humans sometimes mistake it for OCD. Next, she went back to the photo's original caption, which reads that "local media" reported that dogs had become infected. This is local media in China.

Already, Poodle Bitch begins to feel less threatened. The "local media" in China is notorious for its inaccuracy and alarmism. And sensationalism. Remember just a couple of months back how the "Chinese media" was reporting on a Swedish town full of attractive human lesbians-- who beat to death the human men who accidentally enter:

Several Chinese media outlets have published reports claiming that 25,000 women live together in Chako Paul City, which is said to have been built in the forests of northern Sweden in 1820.

The residents have turned to same-sex relationships to satisfy their desires, and any men attempting to gain entry risk being "beaten half to death" by the blonde sentries at the gates, according to the reports.

The far-fetched fantasy appears to have been swallowed by many Chinese men, forcing Swedish officials to issue a formal denial that the town exists, or ever existed.

Now having been mollified somewhat, Poodle Bitch took to google to find any stories about dogs contracting H1N1. She found an article at a site called "China Daily," which seemed to confirm the story.

Health experts in China have assured pet-lovers they need not panic following the discovery of two dogs infected with the deadly H1N1 flu at the weekend.

The animals were diagnosed in Beijing and, while it is possible for pets to transfer viruses to their owners, scientists said there is no evidence to suggest pets are already spreading the illness.

"If animals can get infected from humans, then the reverse is also true," said Feng Zijian, director of emergency response for the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

"But there is no need to panic in this case."

Poodle Bitch appreciates that there is no need to panic in this case. Now excuse her while she gnaws on her forepaw.

She recalls that in Egypt thousands of pigs were slaughtered, because that would make officials there appear to be doing something positive to prevent the spread of what was then called "swine flu." So, whether it is true or not that dogs are getting H1N1, they are all potentially at risk for death at the hands of overzealous public officials.

So, while Poodle Bitch is unlikely to begin worrying for her health based on the word of untrustworthy sources, she is worried about what the word of untrustworthy sources might do to humans who panic without thinking. She takes solace from the following at the American Veterinary Medical Association website:

So far, there haven't been any reports of dogs infected with the 2009 H1N1 flu virus. Based on what's been reported, ferrets and two cats – and probably dogs, if they can become infected with the virus – have shown signs of respiratory illness. These signs can include lethargy, loss of appetite, fever, runny nose and/or eyes, sneezing, coughing, or changes in breathing (including difficulty breathing).

Keep in mind that dogs currently have their own flu virus, the H3N8 influenza (canine influenza) virus, going around. So far, this flu virus has only been spread from dog to dog. Dogs infected with the canine influenza virus show the same symptoms as dogs with kennel cough – fever, lethargy, loss of appetite, coughing, and maybe a runny nose.

Poodle Bitch is relieved to know that, should she decide to worry about anything, she can stick with the H3N8 virus. For now, at least.

Poodle Bitch is Irritated by the Latest Episode of "Glee"

"Glee" has become one of Poodle Bitch's favorite shows. Overall it is a well-written, well-acted, and well-sung look at human high school life that is surprisingly sensitive and complex. With some exceptions, of course. Poodle Bitch feels that they have yet to fully explain why Will Schuester would have married the venal, manipulative Terri in the first place (other than the fact that she bears a superficial resemblance to Jessalyn Gilsig, the actress who portrays her), while at the same time the writers seem to be trying too hard to "humanize" the entertainingly venal, manipulative Sue Sylvester.

However, for this week's episode, "Ballad," there was not a single moment that rang true. It felt as if Poodle Bitch were watching just another television show, in which some of the characters occasionally break into song. Awkwardly.

For starters, why would Mr. Schuester break everyone up into pairs to sing ballads to each other? Poodle Bitch is a close watcher of shows she likes, and she cannot for the life of her remember his justification for doing this. Moreover, why was it that Mr. Schuester felt the need to offer himself up as a "partner" to one of the students? There seemed no reason for him to not just say "We'll wait for Matt to return," or "We're going to have one group of three." He's the teacher, the authority figure-- this despite the fact that he is young, hip, and clearly portrayed by an actor who is only a few years older than the students.

But even accepting that he allowed himself to be selected as a partner by one of the students-- and Rachel, no less-- why would he allow her to bully him into performing "Endless Love" with her? He knew the song well enough to sing it, so he knew the lyrics before they started. It is one of the most effective expressions of over-ripe teenaged emotions ever put to music ("you will always be my endless love"); of course it was going to have a hypnotic effect on a teenaged girl whose hormones are aimlessly raging.


Poodle Bitch questions the judgment of a teacher who would sing this song with one of his students.

Mr. Schuester's decision to sing "Endless Love" with a student was especially moronic and irresponsible given his past experience with student crushes. As he explains to the delightful Emma Pillsbury later in the episode, he can't just tell Rachel to stop and leave him alone because the last time he did that with one of his students, she attempted suicide.

Poodle Bitch is not joking. But the writers were; for, in a flashback scene played for laughs, the brokenhearted object of Mr. Schuester's previous rejection, Suzy Pepper, attempts to kill herself by ingesting the world's hottest hot pepper (she'd ordered it from somewhere in South America, Poodle Bitch believes). Paramedics are barely able to save her in time, and she requires years of psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant.

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that the writers found this to be suitable comedy fodder. There is certainly a layer of darkness to some of the episodes, but she found this subplot to be bleak and insensitive.

However, for plot purposes it was necessary to explain why Mr. Schuester couldn't just tell Rachel to straight up "cut it out and leave me alone." He's worried about another attempted suicide. (Poodle Bitch would wryly note that, given the fact that Mr. Schuester married the abominable Terri, and has yet to realize, after several months of living together and sleeping in the same bed that she is not actually pregnant, there is perhaps little need to explain his lapses in judgment.) For this reason, Emma Pillsbury, who has her own crush on Mr. Schuester and, not surprisingly, her own decision-making problems, suggests that Mr. Schuester express his feelings in song. To let her down gently.

To that end, Mr. Schuester creates a mash-up of the songs "Young Girl" and "Don't Stand So Close to Me," altering the lyrics of each to make them even more combative and abrasive. Just so Poodle Bitch has this straight: Hearing the object of her crush sing to her, "Young girl, you're out of your mind, your love for me is way out of line," and "Don't stand- don't stand so- don't stand so close to me" is intended to be the sensitive way of letting her down. (As an aside, Poodle Bitch would like to note that any power contained in the song "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap rests in its idea that the narrator did not realize that the object of his affection was so young-- she's deliberately misrepresented to him her age-- and he is therefore struggling with his desire for her, which he now realizes on a rational level to be inappropriate. What Mr. Schuester did to the song, in addition to awkwardly "mashing" it into "Don't Stand," was to turn it into an angry diatribe that would belittle anyone with even a little self-awareness.)


Is this song creepy? Poodle Bitch would like to point out that the narrator is attempting to distance himself from the girl who led him to believe she was old enough to give him love. He isn't inviting her back to his hot tub for champagne and quaaludes.

Of course this terrific plan doesn't work. Rachel lacks the self-awareness necessary to see that Mr. Schuester was belittling her, and Emma Pillsbury, who was also there to watch his performance, sits in dazzled awe of his skills as a performer.

It's not until Suzy Pepper, who apparently has returned to the school following her therapy and transplant (Poodle Bitch is unaware of how human schools work, but she wonders why anyone, from the psychiatrists to the administrators to parents, would believe it a good idea that she return to the school where Mr. Schuester teaches) corners Rachel in the bathroom and admonishes her about the dangers of becoming too attached to Mr. Schuester that she comes to realize how poorly she's been acting.

For his behavior, Mr. Schuester is let off the hook.

Meanwhile, there is pregnant Quinn. She has yet to tell her parents that she's pregnant (although most of the school already knows and anyone with access to the internet and Jacob's gossip blog can find out), and is, in her first scene of the episode, trying on her gown for the "chastity ball" (good golly Miss Molly-- isn't the term "chastity ball" oxymoronic?), with her mother's help. Mother, mildly tipsy, notes that the gown doesn't fit as well as it did last month, and Quinn explains that she had a big lunch that day.

It is clear that Quinn's mother realizes her daughter is pregnant, but is in a state of, perhaps, alcoholic denial. And, of course, she is a Christian who is preparing her little girl to attend a "chastity ball."

Quinn's father staggers into the room declaring Glenn Beck is on television, drink in his hand (Poodle Bitch does not watch Glenn Beck, but she has just googled him and discovered that his program airs at 5 PM weekdays, which means Quinn's parents have started getting drunk before five o'clock. This seems early to Poodle Bitch.), offering words of pressure about his lovely, chaste daughter.

Poodle Bitch harbors no particular animus toward religious people, nor conservatives, nor those who watch conservative television programs. Nor does she have any particular affection for them. But she wonders why it is that the writers of this show, who have displayed real sensitivity toward, as an example, Kurt's father, should present Quinn's parents as little more than typical right-wing caricatures?

And speaking of Kurt, Poodle Bitch notes that he, too, became a cliche in this episode-- the sensitive gay man in love with the dumb jock he can never have, who nevertheless offers advice and encouragement to said dumb jock in his pursuit of the woman he kinda-sorta loves. Although in this case, Kurt's advice was universally bad. Of course, in the ballad pairings Kurt was paired with Finn, who believes he is the father of Quinn's child. He is upset because Quinn is planning on giving up the baby for adoption (to the execrable Terri Schuester), and so he won't get to be part of his daughter's life. Kurt suggests that he sing a ballad to his daughter-- his suggestion is The Pretenders's "I'll Stand by You," which is a song Poodle Bitch admires, but has been used so often in movies and television shows as to have become an obvious cliche. Why not select "My Baby," or "Kid," or "Hymn to Her" (Poodle Bitch's own personal favorite) instead?


There were plenty of Pretenders songs to choose.

But that doesn't compare to the monumentally bad advice Kurt gives Finn later in the episode. When he encourages Finn to serenade Quinn-- during a dinner with her parents-- with the song "You're Having My Baby."


"You're a woman in love and I love what's going through you." Poodle Bitch is happy she has been fixed.

Perhaps the high school student Kurt is too young to realize this, but Poodle Bitch's humans are certainly old enough to know that that particular song has been a punchline almost since it was recorded. Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps Cal Smith's "Country Bumpkin," or Terry Jacks's "Seasons in the Sun," or The Captain and Tennille's "Muskrat Love" will be sung in upcoming episodes?

And why did it take two verses for the parents to realize their daughter was pregnant? The very first line of that painful song is "You're having my baby." It doesn't get much more obvious than that.

The less Poodle Bitch says about the Glee Club's serenading Quinn and Finn with "Lean on Me," the better. But she would be remiss if she did not further add that Puck's admission to Mercedes that he is really the father of Quinn's child did little to advance her opinion of either character.

Over all, a very weak episode of what has been a very entertaining and uplifting show. Poodle Bitch is hopeful that next week's episode won't be quite so bad. Poodle Bitch is an optimist.

Glee cast photograph source.

RE: Owen Wilson as Marmaduke

Poodle Bitch rarely reads comic strips. She prefers the humor of authors such illustrators as Roland Topor and Edward Gorey. She is not a snob, but she does readily admit to having refined taste. She also readily admits to having no idea what exactly about this is supposed to be funny:



That is today's, November 3's, installment of a daily newspaper comic strip called "Marmaduke." First of all, Poodle Bitch will suppress the urge to make a joke about newspapers being good for nothing more than picking up her dirt during walks. Plenty of people still read newspapers. But she has to wonder how much enjoyment they get from them, when comics such as the above appear in their pages. Poodle Bitch has studied this illustration for far too long already, and still she cannot see where the humor is supposed to be. Is the humor solely to be found in the fact that the dog is so monstrously larger than the human girl? Is it somehow contained in the dog's mannerism, with the right forepaw pressed to his forehead? Is it in the caption-- is the little girl being ironic? Is the dog?

Poodle Bitch cannot understand.

Nor can she understand why it is that such a comic strip might inspire a feature film.

[I]t’s being reported that Owen Wilson has signed on the dotted line to voice the role of Marmaduke, a giant clumsy CGI dog based on the 1954 comic strip of the same name. ... The plans for a Marmaduke movie have apparently been around for a while now as it has a cast of known names that will surely regret ever agreeing to appear in it down the road. The names include William H. Macy, Judy Greer, and Lee Pace as live-action characters, while Steve Coogan, Emma Stone, Damon Wayans, George Lopez, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Marlon Wayans, and Fergie will all voice CG characters.

Poodle Bitch has only read a few "Marmaduke" comic strips, while composing this blog entry, but one thing she has noticed about every one that she has seen is that the dog does not "speak." She is unsure therefore as to why anyone would bother to create a film based on a comic strip and then change something so fundamental about it. There are plenty of comic strips in which animals "speak." No, Poodle Bitch cannot name any of them, because she does not read comic strips. But she knows at least one human who does with alarming regularity. So she knows a little something about this. But she wonders why it is that the filmmakers don't just purchase the rights to one of these other talking animal comics.

Then again, she wonders why filmmakers don't create original material themselves.

And why is Owen Wilson, a talented and charming performer whose work Poodle Bitch has admired in the past, making yet another cute dog movie? Poodle Bitch reminds the reader that Mr. Wilson recently appeared in the execrable "Marley & Me," in which an obnoxious Labrador seems to take forever to die. (Poodle Bitch did not offer a spoiler alert warning because "Marley & Me" is so rotten that it cannot be spoiled.) The film made light of canine mental illness and neurosis to the point of being offensive. It also manipulated the viewer in the most casually cynical way.

But at least "Marley & Me" starred real dog actors. Poodle Bitch notes that "Marmaduke" will feature CGI, or "computer generated imagery" dog characters. Poodle Bitch wonders about the future for animal performers. Soon they will all be out of work; CGI dogs don't need to be paid scale, don't need to be fed, and don't need to be picked up after.

They also don't turn up their noses at material based on manipulative, treacly books and unfunny comic strips.

Exasperating Nonsense from Massachusetts

Massachusetts is the state which, as Poodle Bitch recalls, wanted to increase its animal companion licensing fees by $3.00. At the time, Poodle Bitch wondered about the soundness of demanding more money from responsible animal companions during what is being called an economic downturn-- but now, Poodle Bitch has the disturbing answer as to what it is that animal control authorities in that great state do with their money.

In one case, they steal animal companions and present them as gifts to police officers' girlfriends.

It was not until [Janet] Torren threatened to call police last month that she learned the Stoughton official in charge of finding stray dogs had given away her “little princess,’’ a 4-year-old Yorkshire terrier that Torren calls Shai.

The story is almost too exasperating for Poodle Bitch to relate. Apparently, young Shai slipped out through a back gate at the home of Ms. Torren's son. Shai was then taken to "the pound," where she was then presented to a police officer's girlfriend by the head of animal control, a reprehensible creature called Kristin Bousquet.

But Torren did not learn for 12 days that the dog had been brought to the pound and she spent nearly every one of those days knocking on doors and making phone calls in search of her beloved pet. She called the Stoughton pound many times, but was told they did not have her dog.

“I was frantic,’’ she said. “Our children are grown, and Shai is a baby to us; we treat her as our little princess. She’s a family member. She’s absolutely loving.’’

Shai had an identifying microchip implanted behind one of her ears, and Torren called one microchip company, thinking they would know if it had been scanned by a pound or a veterinarian. They had not received any reports. On Oct. 1, Torren called another company and learned the microchip had been scanned, by the town pound in Stoughton, on the day the dog was lost.

So, once again, Torren called Kristin Bousquet, the town’s animal control officer. There was no answer. After Torren left a message threatening to call police, Bousquet called back and tried to suggest someone else at the pound or the local rescue league may have scanned Shai’s microchip, even though Torren said the company told her that Bousquet had registered Shai.

Finally, Ms. Torren contacted the chief of police, who was able to locate the dog. Shai and Ms. Torren were reunited-- a happy ending to a story that Poodle Bitch finds very disturbing. Except. There is something within the article that causes Poodle Bitch to be still unsettled.

After Bousquet said the dog was about to be taken to Florida, Torren gave her a half hour to return her dog. Then Torren met with Chief Thomas Murphy of the Stoughton Police Department. They chatted in his office for a few minutes, and he walked out and came back carrying Shai.

“It was a huge relief,’’ she said. “It was like this whole, horrible story was over.’’

After a brief investigation, Murphy found that Bousquet had given the dog to a police officer’s girlfriend, who was planning to move to Florida with Shai. He found that the dog was well fed and in good condition. The officer and his girlfriend, neither of whom Murphy identified, did not know that the dog had been missing, Murphy said.

Perhaps it's just that the article is inartfully written, but Poodle Bitch wonders what the police chief did while he was out of the office? Did he know which of his officers' girlfriends had been given the dog? Where did he get the dog he was carrying when he returned to his office? And, perhaps most important, Poodle Bitch wonders why Ms. Torren, who was likely so overcome with relief that she was not thinking straight, should trust anything that any city officials tell her regarding her animal companion?

Poodle Bitch has been very lucky. She has, for the most part, encountered humans who have treated her with respect and decency. She has always felt relatively safe with her humans, and is of a sufficiently contrary nature that very few humans would want to spirit her away from her regular human companions. But she understands that this is a constant source of anxiety for many dogs; they worry over their treatment by humans, for they are essentially at the mercy of humans.

Poodle Bitch suspects that Shai will be a long time recovering from this sense of abandonment she felt when she was taken from Ms. Torren. And for that, Ms. Torren should do something.

Alas:

Torren has decided not to press charges against Bousquet.

Again, Poodle Bitch believes Ms. Torren is allowing her relief to cloud her judgment. The reprehensible Kristin Bousquet scanned Shai's chip at the pound, gave Shai to someone else, and then repeatedly and over the course of 12 days lied about the fact, knowingly preventing Ms. Torren and Shai being reunited. Poodle Bitch believes there's a fine line between being polite and being a sap. It doesn't matter that the town manager fired the reprehensible Kristin Bousquet from her job in animal control. Of course she should have lost her job. But this human exhibited a pattern of deviousness that merited punishment beyond that.

The reprehensible Kristin Bousquet was drawing a salary that was paid for with taxpayer money. If Poodle Bitch were a resident of Massachusetts, she would compose a harshly-worded letter to Ms. Torren, telling her to press charges, if only for the other taxpayers.