Poodle Bitch Wonders About the Sexual Habits of Humans-- or at Least of Heidi Montag

That headline is misleading. To be honest, Poodle Bitch does not wonder about the sexual habits of humans, at least not usually. Unfortunately, her eye came across a bit of news about the new Heidi Montag (Poodle Bitch thought she was calling herself "Heidi Pratt" now) album. She read some of the lyrics. And she shuddered:

On Tuesday, after three years of waiting, she [Heidi Montag] officially dropped her debut album, Superficial -- and she gets racy. Verrry racy.

Take the track "I'll Do It," for instance.

"I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em," she sings. "Come eat my panties off of me / Do whatever you feel comes naturally."

Poodle Bitch would like to point out first of all that "verrry" in the second sentence pulled from the US magazine article was the original author's attempt at something Poodle Bitch can only assume was "hipness." She does not make such grammatical errors.

As to the actual content quoted above, Poodle Bitch does appreciate the idea that Ms. Montag might bring her romantic partner "treats," perhaps tomato slices. All creatures, including humans, should get treats. But the next lines-- "come eat my panties off me/Do whatever you feel comes naturally" are confusing to Poodle Bitch.

Is it natural to eat panties?

Poodle Bitch wonders if humans can become sufficiently aroused so as to want to ingest human undergarments, composed as they are of cotton, silk, or lace, and containing as they do the remnants of varying types of human waste, however trace those remnants might be.

This especially given what we know of Ms. Montag-or-Ms. Pratt's eating habits.


Poodle Bitch wonders if after they shared their Taco Bell "treats," did Spencer Pratt then ingest his wife's panties as well?

Photo source.

RE: Heidi Montag's Lip-Sync Performance at the Miss Universe Pageant: Yaz Should Be Ashamed of Themselves

Somehow, Poodle Bitch missed the Miss Universe Pageant, a beauty contest engaged in by attractive human women in which they strut around a stage in the hopes of winning cash prizes and spreading a message of world peace. She did, however, catch a YouTube clip of one of the performers, reality show nonentity Heidi Montag - or, Heidi Pratt, Poodle Bitch is unsure and cares little- lip syncing her song, "Body Language."

Listening to the song, Poodle Bitch is confused. It sounds as if the same machine that processed Ms. Montag-Pratt somehow got stuck on the Yaz song "Situation." It sounds to Poodle Bitch's ear that someone merely took the Yaz tune and replaced its ironic and subtle lyrics with something more...

sinister. Not that Poodle Bitch intends to in any way be melodramatic. But consider. According to this website, the lyrics to Ms. Montag-Pratt's song include:

Baby, come on control me
Come over take on me
Take me
If you're in it for real
Go ahead put it on me
I know that you want me
So take me

Read my body language
I do what you like, like
So prove that you're right, right
(Control me)
Read my body language
I do what you like, like
Come into my spotlight
...
Boy, whatcha waiting for?
Come and take control over me, me
Show authority
'Cause I am looking for a boss type
Someone to fulfill all my needs, needs
So, give me a pices of your guidance

Poodle Bitch does not appreciate the word "doggerel," as it is an insult to dogs. However, one cannot deny that those lyrics fit the definition. Trivial and inferior verse.

But this is more than that. These lyrics, to Poodle Bitch's ear, represent the aural equivalent of a submissive dog rolling over on his or her back, exposing his or her belly. Poodle Bitch half expected Ms. Montag-Pratt to suddenly stop her dance and begin urinating uncontrollably, as submissive dogs sometimes do.

If you are a glutton, you can listen to the song and view the performance below. Of course, Poodle Bitch does not recommend it.



Poodle Bitch will let Yaz have the final word, from "Situation," the song so deeply and thoroughly wronged by Ms. Montag-Pratt:

Move out, you bring me down
Move out, how you get about
Don't make a sound just move out