Poodle Bitch is Made Uneasy by the Thought of Wearing a "Michael Vick" Jersey

Poodle Bitch does not follow professional football. She has little interest in watching large, probably drug-addled men throwing balls and patting each other on their bottoms. That said, she does know who Michael Vick is. He is a professional football player who ran a dogfighting ring.

He was sentenced to prison, served time, and was released. Recently, he was hired to play the quarterback for a team in Philadelphia. The National Football League, which makes millions of dollars every year, generates even more revenue from the sale of official merchandise, such as the jerseys of favorite players. Adult human sized jerseys will cost the avid fan $79.99.

As Poodle Bitch occasionally says when she is feeling whimsical, That's a lot of bones.

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that those sports fans with companion animals can purchase jerseys with Michael Vick's name and number on them.

This is not ironic. This is disturbing.

"Like any other player, [customers] can obtain that name and that jersey if they wish," league spokesman Greg Aiello told the [New York] Daily News. "As far as putting it on the dog product, he's working with humane societies, working to educate others on this issue, so we don't see a problem."

(Poodle Bitch wonders why the Los Angeles Times is relying so heavily upon the work of the New York Daily News.)



The NFL is a business. Poodle Bitch understands this. It exists to make money. It does not care how this money is made. However, Poodle Bitch would like to chastise the "humane societies" that are helping Mr. Vick to "educate others on this issue" (whatever "this" issue is- that dog killing is bad? Poodle Bitch was unaware that humans needed educating on this issue.) for providing cover to the NFL in its quest to obtain even more money.

Of course, if there were no market for this, it would not be sold. To that end, Poodle Bitch would like to know just how many Michael Vick dog jerseys have been sold to people who aren't writing ironic articles for the New York Daily News.

RE: Heidi Montag's Lip-Sync Performance at the Miss Universe Pageant: Yaz Should Be Ashamed of Themselves

Somehow, Poodle Bitch missed the Miss Universe Pageant, a beauty contest engaged in by attractive human women in which they strut around a stage in the hopes of winning cash prizes and spreading a message of world peace. She did, however, catch a YouTube clip of one of the performers, reality show nonentity Heidi Montag - or, Heidi Pratt, Poodle Bitch is unsure and cares little- lip syncing her song, "Body Language."

Listening to the song, Poodle Bitch is confused. It sounds as if the same machine that processed Ms. Montag-Pratt somehow got stuck on the Yaz song "Situation." It sounds to Poodle Bitch's ear that someone merely took the Yaz tune and replaced its ironic and subtle lyrics with something more...

sinister. Not that Poodle Bitch intends to in any way be melodramatic. But consider. According to this website, the lyrics to Ms. Montag-Pratt's song include:

Baby, come on control me
Come over take on me
Take me
If you're in it for real
Go ahead put it on me
I know that you want me
So take me

Read my body language
I do what you like, like
So prove that you're right, right
(Control me)
Read my body language
I do what you like, like
Come into my spotlight
...
Boy, whatcha waiting for?
Come and take control over me, me
Show authority
'Cause I am looking for a boss type
Someone to fulfill all my needs, needs
So, give me a pices of your guidance

Poodle Bitch does not appreciate the word "doggerel," as it is an insult to dogs. However, one cannot deny that those lyrics fit the definition. Trivial and inferior verse.

But this is more than that. These lyrics, to Poodle Bitch's ear, represent the aural equivalent of a submissive dog rolling over on his or her back, exposing his or her belly. Poodle Bitch half expected Ms. Montag-Pratt to suddenly stop her dance and begin urinating uncontrollably, as submissive dogs sometimes do.

If you are a glutton, you can listen to the song and view the performance below. Of course, Poodle Bitch does not recommend it.



Poodle Bitch will let Yaz have the final word, from "Situation," the song so deeply and thoroughly wronged by Ms. Montag-Pratt:

Move out, you bring me down
Move out, how you get about
Don't make a sound just move out

Poodle Bitch Wonders About Katie Price and the British Tabloids

In his Preface to The Picture of Dorian Gray, one of Poodle Bitch's favorite authors, Oscar Wilde, wrote,

No artist is ever morbid. The artist can express everything.

This is a sentiment with which Poodle Bitch heartily concurs. Artists can, and should, explore all topics, no matter how distasteful.

What matters to Poodle Bitch is the manner in which such topics are explored. Those are matters of taste, and tastes vary. Poodle Bitch can only express her own, and has no wish to force her opinions on others (no matter how helpful she believes that might be).

That said, Poodle Bitch generally does not enjoy films that contain violent images, no matter how high their artistic merit. She makes an exception for the highly-entertaining television show "Dexter," but that is rare.

Despite the presence of the word "Bitch" in its title, Poodle Bitch suspects she will pass on viewing the currently-filming "Killer Bitch," starring the current boyfriend of British television personality Katie Price. Nonetheless, she was alarmed when she read this:

Katie Price was yesterday urged to dump her cagefighter lover after he filmed violent sex scenes in a new movie.

Shocked friends and aides fear Alex Reid is causing immense damage to her public image which will be impossible to repair.

Her estranged husband Peter Andre, who fathered two of her children, was also apparently outraged when he saw pictures of Reid writhing around semi-naked on the set of gangster film Killer Bitch.

This film certainly does not sound like the type of thing that Poodle Bitch would find entertaining. But she wonders if perhaps judgment should be reserved until after the film is completed?

She further wonders how the public image of Katie Price could be any more damaged than it already is. Poodle Bitch was under the impression that Ms. Price was what is known colloquially in England as "lewd."

Shameless Katie Price shocked family holidaymakers with a brazen X-rated public display with her new boyfriend Alex Reid.

The glamour model, 31, raunchily cavorted with the semi-naked, muscled cagefighter in the grounds of an exclusive golf resort in Spain as young children innocently looked on.

The obscene couple stunned neighbours in the upmarket compound by openly groping one another during a tacky display of affection.

The actor in question, Alex Reid, is described as a "cagefighter." In an attempt to learn more about him, Poodle Bitch happened upon another article about the "Killer Bitch" controversy. The article contained the following sentence that caused Poodle Bitch to chuckle:

The next scenes are too vile to describe in a family paper but end with him grabbing Yvette in a stranglehold and throttling her.

That sentence of course is surrounded by distasteful descriptions of violent actions. Now Poodle Bitch is very concerned about just what this film depicts.

If it's as bad as what British tabloids are willing to publish, Poodle Bitch believes it must be very bad indeed.

Katie Price pic source.

Poodle Bitch is Unimpressed by the "Provocative" Katy Perry and Her Giant Tube of Lipstick

Poodle Bitch was completely immune to last year's "song of the summer" "I Kissed a Girl," that supposedly edgy examination of one attractive human woman's exploration of her sexuality, and the liberating feeling it gave her. To Poodle Bitch, it seemed to be little more than a coldly calculated attempt to make frustrated human men pant. A cursory examination of the lyrics (which is honestly all that Poodle Bitch can stand) bears out this thesis:

Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
...
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
...
Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

She hopes her boyfriend doesn't mind, indeed. She just wants to try this "girl" on- whatever that might mean (Poodle Bitch is mostly unfamiliar with the mechanics of how humans engage in the act of romantic physical connection). So kissable. Oh, and by the way, it's no big deal.

Poodle Bitch has to ask, If it's no big deal, then why even write a song about it?

But the reason for Poodle Bitch's present musings on the calculated Katy Perry is that her eyes were assaulted by the sight of Ms. Perry at a concert, holding a giant inflatable tube of lipstick as if it were a very large sexual floatation device.



Poodle Bitch wonders if humans really find a semi-attractive young woman in pink hot pants and a beaded bustiere, carrying a giant inflatable lipstick tube at roughly her crotch area, all the while singing about how she hopes her boyfriend doesn't mind that she has made out with a cherry-chapsticked curious "girl" attractive. Is the lipstick tube supposed to be a phallus? A suppository?

Did anyone in the audience wish they were the giant inflatable tube of lipstick?

Perhaps. Poodle Bitch notes that the inflatable tube of lipstick does not have ears.



Or perhaps Poodle Bitch is all wrong about Ms. Perry, and she's merely beginning her new career as a "prop comic," a la Carrot Top?

Katy Perry picture source.
Carrot Top picture source.

RE: Tips for reducing the chance a dog will bite

Poodle Bitch recently noticed that the Associated Press offered a filler-type release with advice on reducing the chances a dog will bite.

The first sentence of this extremely spare article tested Poodle Bitch's studied ambivalence:

Experts say early, positive and thorough obedience training, starting with puppy kindergarten, is one way that dog owners can make their dog less likely to bite.

Ah, yes, Poodle Bitch understands humans enough to know when they're being told to spend money. No doubt someone at the Associated Press- perhaps even the person responsible for this unsigned article- is related to or friends with someone who runs one of these "puppy kindergartens." And Poodle Bitch is sure that this person called his/her friend at the AP and said, breathlessly, "This current economic climate is causing me to lose a great deal of financial standing. If only there were something that someone could do, to get the word out about just how important my services really are."

For the most part, Poodle Bitch had no problem with the remainder of the tips listed. However, she could not help but chuckle when she read this piece of advice:

Teach children not to run up to dogs or harass them.

Indeed, Poodle Bitch would like to send every human child in the world to some kind of "human kindergarten," where they are taught not to run up to or harass dogs. Specifically, Poodle Bitch would like for these human children to be taught to not run up to or harass her.

Recognizing the impractical nature of this desire, Poodle Bitch has taken precautions to ensure that she does not find herself in situations in which human children might run up to or harass her. She affects a haughty, unapproachable air when around them. Although human children have small brains and limited experience, Poodle Bitch has found that they get the point.

Of course, Poodle Bitch could have reduced the AP article to a single tip for reducing the chance a dog will bite:

Do not do anything for which you deserve to be bitten.

Poodle Bitch is Delighted by the Return of Project Runway

Poodle Bitch is most excited for the return of her favorite reality competition, “Project Runway.”

Of course Poodle Bitch was delighted to see that the new season is taking place in her beloved Los Angeles, and she was filled with anticipation as each of the lovely characters was introduced. There was the eccentric one word named man, the former addict, the woman who designs dresses for woodland fairies, the vintage girl, the androgyne, the woman from a harsh Eastern European country, the woman who speaks to fabric and makes clothes with water purification systems. Oh, how Poodle Bitch was atingle with anticipation over this year’s fashion potential.

Alas, none of the characters was standing out to Poodle Bitch, until she saw the long-legged Irina Shabayeva make her appearance. The beautiful 26 year old woman creates a line of leather totes inspired by her own poodle bitch. Unfortunately, Irina has named her bitch Princess, but Poodle Bitch is pleased that Irina has the taste, refinement, and decorum to keep a poodle bitch as a companion. Poodle Bitch is even more impressed that Ms. Shabayeva designs totes for the carrying of her bitch. That is true and necessary dedication that Poodle Bitch wishes more humans would do the same.


Poodle Bitch's favorite Project Runway contestant is the poodle companion Irina Shabayeva.

Poodle Bitch does not appreciate Ms. Shabayeva’s joking that her Princess is a “lazy little girl,” and fully understands why Princess would growl upon hearing such a thing. Poodle Bitch does not believe that a human should call her bitch “lazy” on national television, even in jest. Regardless, Poodle Bitch can take a joke.

Poodle Bitch does not usually bother to commit to memory the names of any Project Runway contestants until at least three episodes into the season. But she is making a most delightful exception in this case. Irina Shabayeva.

Poodle Bitch will admit that seeing Tim Gunn explain the first challenge to the designer contestants made her pant like a dog. Which of course is what Poodle Bitch is. The challenge seemed to be a good one, from her point of view. Let the contestants do what they want, and show exactly what they can do. No “create a dress from items found in a grocery store” this time.

Poodle Bitch was still so excited, ten minutes into the show, that she failed to become irritated by the antics of the “free spirited” woman who speaks to fabric. She does not sketch, apparently, but does her designing by doing handstands against the wall.

But once the shopping was finished at mood (and one of the contestants, the uniquely named Qristyl) and the designers returned to the Fashion Institute to begin creating their clothes, Poodle Bitch will confess to some confusion as to the behavior of West Hollywood resident Johnny, the former meth addict. Is he having some kind of relapse, Poodle Bitch wonders? Have any contestants ever wanted to “throw in the towel” a mere couple of hours into the season? It can’t be homesickness. He’s home.

Poodle Bitch hopes that the ever elegant Tim Gunn will be able to provide Johnny with the support he needs. Poor Johnny doesn’t want to fail. He doesn’t feel ready. It’s so hard. But then, why try out for the show, Poodle Bitch wonders.

She also wonders what it would be like to have Tim Gunn, her favorite reality show personality, give her a pep talk. Poodle Bitch has a feeling that after a mere two minutes of Mr. Gunn’s wise counsel, she could take on any challenge. Especially if he gave her a tomato slice.

Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps Mr. Gunn shouldn’t give a talk- a much more stern talk- to the androgyne Malvin, who claims there is as yet no vocabulary to describe his designs. Poodle Bitch has yet to see the design, but she does have one word to describe Malvin: Pretentious.


Poodle Bitch is unimpressed with the limited vocabulary of androgynous Malvin, who doesn't recognize different colors of carpets.

Oh, poor Christopher who did not attend fashion school, doesn’t even know what the word “smocking” means. Nor does he know another word that Poodle Bitch will admit she did not know herself. ("Godet.") But Poodle Bitch is a dog. She does not have to know such things. Although, even she had heard of smocking.

Again, Poodle Bitch was so delighted to watch Mr. Gunn do his walk-through, to see the designer’s works in process. This is one of Poodle Bitch’s favorite parts of every episode. Poodle Bitch firmly believes that Mr. Gunn is one of the most tasteful, refined, and eminently polite human beings on television. Seeing him provide his encouragement of designs that frankly seem- to Poodle Bitch’s untrained eye- appalling, is a real pleasure. A pleasure that Poodle Bitch has sorely missed for a year.

Poodle Bitch is at a loss as to understand exactly what were the problems for the designer who sent out “the naked model,” Mitchell. If your model is five inches taller than expected, you “make it work.” That is what you do on this show, and Poodle Bitch does not have sympathy. She knows there are thousands of people who would do anything to be on this show.

And how appalled was Poodle Bitch to see that Lindsay Lohan was a guest judge. If Poodle Bitch had designed anything that Lindsay liked, she would wonder what she did wrong.


Poodle Bitch wonders what possessed the producers of Project Runway to select this woman as this week's guest judge. Did they need ratings that badly? It's Project Runway- not some tawdry VH1 show.

On the plus side, Poodle Bitch has to think that someone like Lindsay Lohan would appreciate Mitchell’s “naked” dress.

Poodle Bitch was happy to say that Irina’s champagne gown was the most beautiful. Clearly, this woman has taste in both animals and in design.

The designs of the woodland creature woman, and the handstander appalled her. Naked Mitchell’s was silly.

Why Irina’s dress was not chosen as one of the best is beyond her. But, again, the tasteless Lindsay Lohan was likely throwing off the judging.

Poodle Bitch was delighted to hear the handstanding designer say that her dress was for the VMAs circa 2080, and to pick up a Nobel Peace Prize on the same night. She hopes that handstander is kept around for a few more episodes.

Poodle Bitch did find it ironic to hear Lindsay Lohan say “there’s got to be an awareness to what’s acceptable and what’s appropriate and what’s… too out there.” She had to stop the DVR and replay it, to make sure she’d heard it correctly.

Regarding Mitchell’s dress, Poodle Bitch would tend to disagree with Michael Kors’s assessment that it should not be worn outside the house. Poodle Bitch can most definitely imagine Lindsay Lohan wearing it in public, quite possibly two or three days in a row. But Poodle Bitch is not a judge. If she were, the poodle loving Irina would have won this episode.

Not “I’ve-Never-heard-of-Smocking” Christopher, even though Poodle Bitch definitely liked his dress.

However, Poodle Bitch does not agree with the judges’ decision to send home the handstander. That makes no sense to her. Aren’t you interested in what she would have done with the “design a dress from garbage” challenge? At least she finished her design. Mitchell did not.

Poodle Bitch hopes that the headstander takes solace from the fact that she was eliminated by a judging panel that included Lindsay Lohan. That could be considered a badge of honor.


Poodle Bitch is disappointed that she will not get to see more handstands from the handstanding woman, whose real name escapes her at the moment.


Irina pic source.
Malvin pic source.
Lindsay Lohan pic source.
Ari pic source.

Poodle Bitch is Deeply Offended

Recently, Poodle Bitch was made aware of an article in "LiveScience" that described a study which concluded that, according to the headline,

Dogs as Smart as 2-year-old Kids.

The "Kids," in this case, refer to human children, not goat children. Poodle Bitch has no idea as to how smart goat children are.

The article begins with this promising assertion:

The canine IQ test results are in: Even the average dog has the mental abilities of a 2-year-old child.

Poodle Bitch was unaware that any dog would sit still for something so ridiculously human as an "IQ test." Ever since she first read Stephen Jay Gould's The Mismeasure of Man, she has been unable to keep a straight face whenever anyone brings up the subject.

The finding is based on a language development test, revealing average dogs can learn 165 words (similar to a 2-year-old child), including signals and gestures, and dogs in the top 20 percent in intelligence can learn 250 words.

Emphasis added, because Poodle Bitch is curious as to how "similar" that is- how many words can a 2 year-old child learn? Is it 164? Is it 166? Is it 200? What's the range for "similar"? Poodle Bitch also wonders about the ages of the dogs tested. Two year-old dogs? Measured in "human," or "dog" years? This would tell Poodle Bitch nothing, anyway, since most dogs merely learn banalities such as "sit," "stay," "heel," and of course the ever-popular "no," and "treat." Poodle Bitch has no interest in what words a two year-old human child can learn, but she hopes they are more enriching than those.

Much more interesting for Poodle Bitch was the idea that dogs might be taught mathematics.

In an arithmetic test, dogs watch as one treat and then another treat are lowered down behind a screen. When the screen gets lifted, the dogs, if they get arithmetic (1+1=2), will expect to see two treats. (For toddlers, other objects would be used.)

First of all, Poodle Bitch has to admit that, unless the "treats" are foie gras, or perhaps tomatoes, she has little interest in counting them. So that's one point for the toddlers, as far as she's concerned. Second, Poodle Bitch is quite impressed that her canine fellow-travelers can count.

Then again, perhaps not.

But say the scientist swipes one of the treats, or adds another so the end result is one, or three treats, respectively. "Now we're giving him the wrong equation which is 1+1=1, or 1+1=3," Coren said. Sure enough, studies show the dogs get it. "The dog acts surprised and stares at it for a longer period of time, just like a human kid would," he said.

The person in charge of this study noted that occasionally a dog acted "surprised," and therefore assumed that s/he was "counting" "treats"? Poodle Bitch hastens to point out that she is rarely "surprised" by the inanity of which humans are capable, but if someone was lowering treats into a clear box before her eyes, she's not sure that her impassive veneer might not crack a little.

Perhaps she would look for the nearest person to bite. For wasting her time.

By the way, the "Coren" referenced above is "Stanley Coren, a canine expert and professor emeritus at the University of British Columbia." Poodle Bitch has nothing to say about that- she deeply admires college professors. But she does wonder about something else mentioned in the article.

Coren, who has written more than a half-dozen books on dogs and dog behavior, will present an overview of various studies on dog smarts at the American Psychological Association's annual meeting in Toronto.

Poodle Bitch supposedly only understands 250 words, but she knows when someone is cynically attempting to sell tickets to an annual meeting by promoting study results that are ultimately meaningless.

But, again, Poodle Bitch is not surprised by that. Nor is she perturbed. Like most dogs, she is too busy doing what she does to worry about some human using her to help promote his little gathering. What does give her pause is the rather troubling way in which the canine expert college professor ranks the dog breeds in order of "intelligence."

He found the top dogs, in order of their doggy IQ are:

1. Border collies
2. Poodles
3. German shepherds
4. Golden retrievers
5. Dobermans
6. Shetland sheepdogs
7. Labrador retrievers

No, Poodle Bitch doesn't mind seeing her breed listed as "number 2" on an intelligence list. She does not mind that because she knows the list is meaningless. She has met plenty of Border collies who might not know as much of 17th century British literature as she, but who know very well how to change a tire, something Poodle Bitch has no interest in.

Poodle Bitch would like to know how many of each breed were tested to arrive at these results? Poodle Bitch was not one of the Poodles tested, and therefore she can tell you that not every dog was tested. So, the list is just another way for the canine expert college professor to get his name in the paper.

Humans just love lists. Poodle Bitch understands the need that humans feel to quantify things in this way- it's why movie critics release meaningless "top 10 lists" every year. But in all seriousness, Poodle Bitch would like to know what is the difference between Shetland sheepdogs at number 6 and Dobermans at number 5? Was it one word? Was it that the Shetland sheepdog exhibited less "surprise" over seeing a mismatched number of treats?

As far as Poodle Bitch is concerned, there is one true test of canine intelligence:



Can you find the most optimally comfortable spot in the room? Even if it is halfway under and halfway out from under the bed? If so, then you're as intelligent as she, and Poodle Bitch will offer you a hearty congratulations, and will then linger in your presence until you give her a slice of tomato.