Poodle Bitch is Happy to Muse

Briefly noted with Poodle Bitch: Should Poodle Bitch start listening to P!nk?; the power of Craigslist; Newt Gingrich's magnanimity; infernal cats

2012-01-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

Poodle Bitch was deeply touched to read of the generosity displayed by the musical performer P!nk, who paid $5,000 to provide surgery and other medical care to a shockingly mistreated canine.

Sources tell TMZ ... P!nk was surfing the Internet recently, when she stumbled upon a story about a puppy that had been thrown off an L.A. overpass ... and suffered 3 broken legs when it landed in the L.A. river.

We're told the dog was in bad shape ... and required major surgery FAST ... or else.

That's when P!nk sprung into action -- contacting the Ace of Hearts animal rescue organization and offering to pay for any medical expense it took to save the dog's life.

In fact, Poodle Bitch was made dizzy by the whiplash between bizarre, unwarranted cruelty and kindness and decency contained within those few hundred words on TMZ's site. Perhaps it was this dizziness that explains her stumbling upon the following music video by Ms. P!nk:

"So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways."

Poodle Bitch at first thought that this was a song about "just being yourself, no matter what," the type of lesson that used to come from Afterschool Specials so many human years ago. But, a careful examination of the lyrics reveals that in fact this is a paean to P!nk herself, in the guise of a fan recruitment anthem. As long as you are "wrong," in a manner deemed acceptable to P!nk, you may join her. Those of you who are not "wrong" in the "right ways," which is to say, "correct," well, then, P!nk is passing judgment against you.

She, P!nk, makes the judgment for or against you. And if you make the cut, then you are one of her underdogs. And as for those underdogs, they,

will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks

Which obviously leaves out Poodle Bitch. She thinks it is fair to say that she will never be a nitty gritty, dirty little freak. She has, however, been known to get a bit "loud," especially when a certain Deutscher Schäferhund goes strutting down the sidewalk past her home. Poodle Bitch wonders if that would be enough to pass muster with P!nk. She rather hopes not; while she willingly raises a glass in honor of the musical performer's generosity toward a dog in need, she fears she has already heard more than enough of her music.

Poodle Bitch is happy to note that it isn't just composers of self aggrandizing dance music who are capable to showing compassion to canines. A human school teacher in San Antonio, Texas was able to buy a few more days of life for a blind dog named Stevie Oedipus Wonder -- and in that time, his human companion was found:

On Dec. 11, Stevie showed up at Animal Care Services. A collar and tag kept him alive for five days, Jeanne Saadi, the agency's live release coordinator, said. But with outdated information, the agency failed to find his owners and prepared to euthanize him.

That's when Brooke Orr, a high school teacher, saw the agency's ad seeking a home for the blind dog. She agreed to care for Stevie over the holidays, buying him a few more days.
...
"I thought that he must belong to someone. So I went to Craigslist and went to lost and found and I put in 'blind dog,' and there he was," she said.

Poodle Bitch will admit to some confusion after reading the entire story. Firstly, who would mistreat any animal, most especially a dog born without eyes? Poodle Bitch can't imagine what it must be like to be unable to watch certain reality television programs, view great works of art, and to have to rely solely on her sense of hearing and smell to know when a certain Deutscher Schäferhund happens to be walking past. And, of course, she loves to see the faces of her human companions. Such animals should be treated with extra care.

Secondly, why did Ms. Gutierrez's landlord tell her that Mr. Oedipus Wonder was deceased?

Thirdly, why wasn't the information on Mr. Oedipus Wonder's tag correct?

Regardless, Poodle Bitch is gratified that Mr. Oedipus Wonder has been reunited with a family that loves him. And, if she could, Poodle Bitch would sit through at least one of Ms. Orr's classes -- she apparently teaches English as a second language; English is in fact Poodle Bitch's second language.

Poodle Bitch does not follow human politics, for what she believes are reasons so obvious that she will not elucidate them here. Yet it happened that she came across an item about one particular candidate for human president of the United States, a man with the rather bestial-sounding name "Newt." Apparently, this human claims to have softhearted feelings toward animals.

The campaign said today that it will soon launch a “Pets With Newt” site aimed at Gingrich’s love for animals, intended to show a “lighter side” of the candidate. “As speaker I made it possible for people in public housing to keep their pets in 1988. I love pets so we’re going to have an entire project,” Gingrich said.

Gingrich doesn’t have any pets at this time, but he told ABC News today he and his wife Callista want a dog in the White House, and it’s a friendly disagreement between the couple over what kind and size of dog. Callista wants a small dog and Newt wants a large dog, though he says dogs like a Great Dane are a little too large.

Poodle Bitch appreciates the obvious magnanimity that Mr. Gingrich displayed in making it possible for people in public housing to keep their pets. Obviously, such power should be wielded only by the most benignant. Perhaps that is why so many "pets" seem to be "with Newt," at least if the website is to believed. Poodle Bitch wonders if any of those animals knew that, when their companions were taking their photos, they'd end up as campaign propaganda for this human:

Poodle Bitch was reminded of the canine companion-related antics of another presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Apparently, Mr. Romney once put an animal crate on top of his car and drove some great distance. Poodle Bitch is unclear about the details, but at least one New York Times columnist has the story down, and mentions it at every opportunity:

Gail Collins loves telling the story of how Mitt Romney drove his family to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car -- and telling it, and telling it, and telling it.

The liberal New York Times columnist has mentioned the incident in print 19 times, by our count. She devoted a column to the incident in 2007 when Romney first ran for president. In another column, she suggested John McCain pick Romney for his running mate "so I can repeatedly revisit the time Mitt drove to Canada with the family dog on the station-wagon roof." And when Sarah Palin was picked instead, and Collins opined that "unlike Mitt Romney, she has never gone on vacation with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car."

Poodle Bitch has met plenty of dogs with a "sense of adventure" who might enjoy riding along on the roof of a car. That in itself does not particularly shock or disturb Poodle Bitch-- most especially considering that the alternative to the roof ride is to spend time in a motor vehicle with a politician. However, Poodle Bitch notes that dogs have nonverbal ways of communicating their distress with a situation. Apparently, Mr. Romney's dog did so:

As the oldest son, Tagg Romney commandeered the way-back of the wagon, keeping his eyes fixed out the rear window, where he glimpsed the first sign of trouble. ''Dad!'' he yelled. ''Gross!'' A brown liquid was dripping down the back window, payback from an Irish setter who'd been riding on the roof in the wind for hours.

As the rest of the boys joined in the howls of disgust, Romney coolly pulled off the highway and into a service station. There, he borrowed a hose, washed down Seamus and the car, then hopped back onto the highway. It was a tiny preview of a trait he would grow famous for in business: emotion-free crisis management.

Poodle Bitch notes that, at best, Seamus required more bathroom breaks than he was being allowed. At worst, he was so nervous about his traveling situation that he could not control his bowels. But at least Mr. Romney got a chance to show his "emotion-free crisis management;" while the animal actually experiencing the crisis got to... ride on the roof the rest of the way to Canada. And then, presumably, back to Boston.

And what does Mr. Romney have to say about this?

"Shrug."

And now Poodle Bitch will go back to ignoring politics. However, she finds it impossible to ignore cats. She has often wondered at the humans who willingly keep these passive aggressive manipulators in their homes, and now she has even more evidence that the creatures are not entirely to be trusted.

Tempted by the playful antics of that adorable kitten in the pet shop? If you've never had a cat before you may want to think again, especially if you have other allergies, researchers warn.

And if you do acquire a feline, keep it out of your bedroom.

While having a cat as a child may protect against future allergies, getting one in adulthood nearly doubles the chances of developing an immune reaction to it -- the first step towards wheezing, sneezing and itchy eyes, a European study found.

The same study, which covered thousands of adults and was published in The Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology, found that people with other allergies were at extra high risk of reacting to a new feline in the house.

Poodle Bitch notes that adult humans who are considering getting a cat should instead consider the delightful poodle. She is willing to concede, however, that the reader might consider her to be biased. So instead she will quote from a Mr. Malcolm Dupris at barkbytes.com, who states:

One advantage of the Poodle's coat is it is so dense that hair and dander do not easily fall off of the dog, therefore people with allergies are not as afflicted around Poodles as they would be around some other breeds.

But Poodle Bitch would be doing a disservice to the reader if she did not offer more from Mr. Dupris:

All Poodles are quick learners, are energetic, can be comical, and are natural born performers. Their intelligence is quite remarkable, some owners swear their Poodles are capable of reasoning, and they are very attuned to mood in their environment. The Poodle is also very versatile. This breed of dog has been used for hunting, retrieving, they have performed in circus' and as a war dog.

Poodle Bitch wonders why all humans don't have at least one poodle companion, given their remarkable intelligence. She also believes that "War Dog" is a fine title for a Steven Spielberg film. Or, perhaps, "War Bitch."

Stevie Oedipus Wonder picture source.

Poodle Bitch presents her new Christmas poem: The Merry Caniche de Noël

2011-12-21T17:11:00.001-08:00

The Merry Caniche de Noël

She travels for peace and goodwill's sake,
Leaving chicken breast and tomato slices in her wake.
All good boys and girls know so well
That beloved and sweet Caniche de Noël.

One Christmas Eve night I filled up with eggnog,
And attained a warm glowing feeling, my senses agog.
I stumbled out of the pub and into the snow,
With no care for direction, for I'd nowhere to go.
There met my vision so hazy and blurry,
That Merry Caniche de Noël, in her red-fringed surry.

Said I, "What brings you to this questionable boulevard,
Where shamble human detritus who find living so hard?"
At least, I believe that is what I mumbled,
For years of hard drinking had left my head jumbled,
And cold winter wind was biting through my clothes,
So I might have said nothing, for all anyone knows.

Yet the Merry Caniche de Noël understood what I meant,
For she laughed at the earnestness behind my lament.
Then she licked at herself, and shamelessly so,
As my fingers fumbled with a bottle of two week-old bordeaux.
Offended, I shouted, "How dare you come here,
Especially now -- at this awful time of year!"

After one more long draught, my tirade resumed:
"My silly species is wrecked! We're all doomed!
Yet for one too-long night we're forced to pretend
That this one's an ally-- that that one's a friend!
And all the while he keeps hidden from view
The stiletto with which he seeks to skewer you!"

I know not from whence sprang such corny indignation;
When I'm in my cups I am prone to high sensation.
Another human might have seen it as skylarking,
Yet the Merry Caniche de Noël responded by barking.
Although her manner seemed disconcertingly aloof,
Each word that she spoke was a gentle "Woof, woof."

"Every snowflake that falls is a reflection in the air,
Of the human compassion present everywhere.
It's simply so common that most choose not to see
All of the good contained within humanity.
It is possible that you've all been led astray
By the monster you've created in this holiday

"For only a species so simple and abstruse
Would use a yearly celebration as an excuse
To create yet another commercial event
That contradicts its own original intent.
Within you all, even you who stand before me,
Resides great promise and generosity!

"So listen hard," (she concluded), "to my gentle doggerel,
And heed now the message of the Caniche de Noël."
With that, the sweet poodle was off and away,
And I heard another voice from somewhere else say,
"My friend, you've clearly had one to many,
A public street's no place for a drunk to spend a penny."

The policeman was quite rough as he took me to jail,
But I just had to laugh, despite my travail,
For the words of the Caniche still rang in my ears,
And in my fraying old pockets found I two souvenirs:
Fresh tomato slices and pieces of chicken breast
Which I ate on that night I spent as the city's guest.

Poodle Bitch is sad to note the passing of Pusuke

2011-12-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Pusuke, described in the Mail Online as a "male cross breed," passed away. Pusuke's passing is notable because the authoritative collector of human "records," the Guinness Book, last December certified him as the oldest living dog on the planet.

Here is how the Mail Online story begins:

The world's oldest living dog has died in Japan at the age of 26 - the equivalent to more than 125 human years.

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that a canine's age must always be presented so. Are humans so unable to comprehend that 26 is an extraordinarily ripe old age for a dog that they must have it spelled out that the "human equivalent" is, well, a ripe old age for a human?

Poodle Bitch would like for everyone, human and canine alike, to finally once and for all acknowledge that human and canine bodies age differently. Canines mature faster. While human babies are still making (pardon Poodle Bitch's language) "poo" in their diapers, most dogs have already learned to patiently sit by the door and wait for a human to let them out. And very few humans ever learn that the only proper, dignified spot in which to leave one's (again, pardon Poodle Bitch's language) "poo" is outside in a nice, shady spot, far away from the structure in which one dwells.

Poodle Bitch very much appreciates this reporting on the story, at something with the cutesy-poo name "Animal Tracks," in which Pusuke's passing is noted not in human terms, but canine:

Pusuke, who was listed as the oldest living dog in Guinness World Records, died on Dec. 5, 2011 in Sakura, Japan. He reached the ripe old age of 26 years and 9 months.

Unfortunately, the story is three paragraphs in length. The first paragraph, Poodle Bitch has pasted in full above. The second paragraph consists of two sentences noting the previous record holder was an American Beagle who passed away in 2003. The third paragraph is a single sentence containing a link to a "slideshow of the biggest, fastest, longest, weirdest and wackiest record breakers from the 2012 edition of Guinness World Records."

Hardly a dignified notice of the passing of a dedicated companion of more than 26 and a half years. Especially given what Poodle Bitch learned from an article which appeared in Business Insider (Poodle Bitch wonders if Pusuke was involved in business in some way?) back in July 2011:

But Pusuke came close to losing out on the prestigious Guinness title.

In 2008, the dog was run over by a car and several of his organs were crushed during the accident.

Leaving aside for a moment the casual indifference with which this information is presented, Poodle Bitch has to admit she gasped upon reading those words. Pusuke's organs were crushed when he was run over by a car three years ago. Appropriately, a website called A Place to Love Dogs has more:

The spry elder canine still enjoys his role as guard dog, but nearly lost his shot at the Guinness record when he was struck by a car in 2008, rupturing a number of internal organs. Emergency surgery saved the 28 pound wonder dog.

Poodle Bitch concedes that's not much more, but it does tell the reader that Pusuke had surgery. Also, Poodle Bitch can't help but note that while Business Insider (the place for canine-related news?) says that Pusuke's organs were "crushed," which sounds like something humans occasionally do to the delicious tomatoes that Poodle Bitch so loves before placing them in jars, A Place to Love Dogs reveals that Pusuke's organs "ruptured," which sounds much more like a medical term.

But which was it -- were Pusuke's organs "ruptured," or "crushed"?

Poodle Bitch also notes that Ms. Nagai is described by the website as Pusuke's "owner." Perhaps they should call themselves "A Place to Own Dogs"? Regardless, A Place to Love Dogs claims that Pusuke's human companion, Shigeo Nagai, gives him vitamins twice daily, but does not share exactly what vitamins he takes. This is information Poodle Bitch might like to have.

Perhaps the vitamins twice a day lifestyle is the norm in Japan. Poodle Bitch notes that the average human life expectancy in Japan is 82.9 years, which is apparently the longest in the world. Poodle Bitch is curious as to the average life expectancy of dogs worldwide, but was only able to find canine life expectancy information broken down by breed, not nation. So she has no way of knowing for sure if Japanese dogs live longer.

Still, Poodle Bitch has long maintained that is the quality of the years, not the quantity, that most matter to her. She is happy to have found companions in whose presence she feels safe and protected, and she is happy to have gotten plenty of satisfying chicken breast and tomato slices. And a nice place outside the house in which to (one last time, Poodle Bitch apologizes for her language) poo. She hopes that Pusuke could say the same.

She hopes that all dogs can say the same.

Pusuke and his human companion, Shigeo Nagai. Two very lucky individuals.

Poodle Bitch wonders if humans have lost the ability to express true affection

2011-11-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

Poodle Bitch has noted with no small amount of concern the rise of ironic detachment in human culture. She sees the ascendancy of post modernism and deconstruction as a way for people to avoid dealing with genuine emotion. The artists of today, those people who are supposed to shine a light upon the human condition and thereby illuminate the experiences which all human beings share, seem instead to be more interested in proving how "cool" they really are. Poodle Bitch isn't particularly interested right now in helping humans overcome this particular deficiency, but she would like to note that no less a pairing of artists than Kanye West and Jay Z agree with her. In their song Otis, they express the sentiment with both eloquence and, appropriately, irony:

"Sounds so soulful, don't you agree?" they ask, in reference to the late, great Mr. Otis Redding, who had no trouble expressing genuine tenderness. These two artists reached back into the past -- the ancient past, the 1960s -- to bring forth an example of unabashed emotional artistry. This in the midst of a song deconstructing modern hip-hop, and of a video deconstructing a Maybach.

Poodle Bitch will let you, the reader, come up with your own examples (here are a few -- posts on the television program "Up All Night," the upcoming "Muppets" film, and the "Toy Story" films -- to get you started). For right now, she wants to illustrate the cumulative deleterious effect this all-pervasive ironic detachment has had on relations between humans and animals. Last week, the gentlemen who created the Awkward Family Photos website (which is dedicated to cataloging the myriad ways in which human beings are losing the ability to express familial piety) released a new bound collection of Awkward Family Pet Photos. This book is full of images of human beings posing with the pets they purport to love. Some samples:

These are companions as props, for the aggrandizement of the humans depicted within. These images are not whimsical. There is nothing humorous about them. They represent a humanity that is losing touch with itself -- an entire species that has been capable of the greatest of emotions losing the ability to communicate those emotions. Poodle Bitch notes that none of these images is spontaneous; the humans involved carefully thought out how they wanted to be depicted alongside their canine companions, and willingly posed in the manner depicted above, while forcing their companions to join in what is in fact a dual humiliation. In the case of the alien abduction themed photo, Poodle Bitch assumes the humans scrolled through the photographer's available backdrops (or, worse, called around to see which photographers had such a backdrop) and found the one that they thought best represented them and the relationship that they have with their nonhuman companion. Poodle Bitch notes the abduction motif is in fact appropriate, although not for the reasons the humans might imagine.

These humans might actually love their inhuman companions; but they are clearly unable to express this affection without first cloaking it in some bizarre, protective veneer.

The most extreme expression of this companions-as-props attitude can be found in this alarming photo:

If Poodle Bitch were slightly more cynical, she might note that the above photo is perhaps the only honest one of the bunch. Here the humans are literally equating their companion animal -- in this case, a bird -- with a tool. A gun. Poodle Bitch wonders which item the humans in that photo find the most important?

Just as the humans depicted in the photos above seem incapable of feeling shame, Poodle Bitch notes that animals are incapable of irony. Their devotion to their human companions is as sincere as it is total, and nowhere is that more apparent than in the story of Duncan, the three year-old Boxer who rescued his human companion from a housefire, and died in the process.

[Human companion Scott] Dunn was asleep Monday night, when he woke at about three in the morning to find smoke "down to the floor" in his home.

It was Duncan, a three-year-old boxer, who woke him in time. "He was just pawing at me. I thought he was trying to go out," recalled Dunn.

Dunn says he grabbed his keys and Duncan by his collar as he attempted to leave the house to get to his car. "The minute I opened the door, it was like the house exploded," said Dunn. "The flames went from one end of the house to the other."

In the confusion Dunn didn't realize that Duncan hadn't made it out of the house.

Poodle Bitch does not have the words to express herself. She is heartbroken over the loss of the heroic, selfless Duncan. She does note that there is nothing "awkward" about the photo below:

Briefly noted with Poodle Bitch: Bret Michaels's "Pets Rock" products; PETA's chickens and sharks, and the Disney Channel's blogging dog program

2011-10-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch does not believe in the concept of "guilty pleasures." If in fact she finds pleasure in something, that is in itself enough justification for liking it. "Guilt" is something that weak people use to establish power over everyone else. And as for fearing the judgment of others, well, if you'll pardon Poodle Bitch for saying so, She does not care what others think of her.

This is why she wears her appreciation for reality television star Bret Michaels on her metaphorical sleeve. This skeevy charmer starred for three seasons on various incarnations of the "Rock of Love" dating franchise, ostensibly looking for true love by putting a bevy of questionable women through their paces. Having them play football in the mud, for example. And dance on strippers poles.

Poodle Bitch would not turn down a tomato slice from Bret Michaels.

These programs were magical, providing as they did a rare insight into the mating rituals of humans.

Of course, Poodle Bitch was being ironic in that previous sentence. Not about the "Rock of Love" programs being magical, because without question they were, but rather about these programs providing insights into the mating rituals of humans. It actually provided insight into the lengths to which human beings will go to achieve a modicum of fame-- or perhaps Poodle Bitch should say notoriety-- on a moderately popular television program.

At the center was Mr. Michaels. While the twenty women swirling about him got smashed on Tequila and fought belligerently about who was really there "for Bret," he remained a calm mixture of bemusement mingled with fascination, with a dash of physical attraction. Poodle Bitch admits that she found Mr. Michaels to be a charismatic center around which to build such a program.

The less said about his "Life as I Know it," featuring the girlfriend that he had even as he was filming those "Rock of Love" programs, the better. (Actually, Poodle Bitch can't even remember "Life as I Know it," couldn't even remember the title of the program until she googled it.)

Anyway. Poodle Bitch is happy to note that Mr. Michaels is apparently a "pet enthusiast," and has just answered her unasked prayer by launching his own line of pet products.

“As a musician who loves animals, I’m thrilled to be collaborating with PetSmart to create the Bret Michaels Pets Rock collection,” said Michaels. “As a dedicated pet owner myself, this is a natural partnership for me, and I can’t wait to unveil the collection. I know my own pets rock, and I wanted to design a line of pet products every bit as fun and cool as they are.”

Poodle Bitch wonders why Mr. Michaels mentioned his being a "musician," yet neglected to remind us of his reality television history. In fact, Poodle Bitch enjoys him so much as a reality show character that she actually watched a few episodes of a show featuring that annoying vituperation Donald Trump, just so that she could see him. That said, she is happy that Mr. Michaels loves animals (humans are animals), but she dislikes his use of the term "pet owner." Poodle Bitch prefers to think of herself as a companion, not a piece of property. She encourages Mr. Michaels to listen to Todd Rundgren's classic song "Property" for a primer on the negative connotations of that word.

The website doesn't as yet have any product information, so Poodle Bitch is left to wonder: Will there be "Doggy Style Thongs"? Tequila and Doritos flavored treats? Stripper Pole Pussy Scratching Posts?

As much as Poodle Bitch admires and appreciates Mr. Michaels, she would prance over his brain-hemorrhoiding body for one piece of chicken breast. That is why she must admit she found the following image from the New York Times so mouthwateringly appealing:

Poodle Bitch had roughly the same reaction to that photo that Mr. Michaels must have when he enters a gynecologist's office.

The accompanying article, about the rise of chicken skin as a savory among certain "foodies," is certainly less provocative than the above image suggests. For one thing, the skin that this small group of cognoscenti is generally cooked to a "crisp," whereas Poodle Bitch notes that the New York Times's "sexy chicken" is raw. Poodle Bitch notes that the small rise in popularity of the chicken skin as a delicacy (is this just another of the New York Times's fake trends, like potbellies and recession beards?) is just another incarnation of the highbrow rehabilitation of what has been traditionally peasant food.

While Poodle Bitch found the photo exciting, a group called PeTA did not.

"When I saw it I just couldn't believe that an editor of The New York Times would find it acceptable," PETA's founder and president Ingrid Newkirk told The Atlantic Wire. "It's downright offensive, not just to people who care about animals but almost to everyone. It's a plucked, beheaded, young chicken in a young pose," she said.
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"It's necrophilia. It's not amusing. It's just ghastly and sickly. It's not fitting for The New York Times."

Earlier in this post, Poodle Bitch expressed her distaste for the idea that she might be considered a piece of property, as opposed to a companion. That is because her presence in the lives of her human companions fills a much more solemn and noble purpose than could, say, a table. Poodle Bitch, as all animal companions, provides mental and emotional company that is all out of proportion to the limitations of "property." That term is as insulting to the animal in question as it is to the human expressing it.

At the other end of the spectrum: referring to a chicken as if it were human. Animals are not human. Animals do not want to be human. This is something that even humans who refer to themselves as animal lovers often lose sight of. Poodle Bitch can tell Ms. Newkirk that she was most assuredly not offended by the image of the "plucked" and "beheaded" "young chicken." She was made hungry by it.

That is an animal reaction. And, while animals are not human, humans are still very much animals. Poodle Bitch would venture to guess that Ms. Newkirk is in the minority if, in fact, her mouth did not start watering upon seeing that image.

Poodle Bitch notes that Ms. Newkirk is a humorless hypocrite who once said, "Even if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, we'd be against it." This does not apply to the use of IV drips to alleviate the pain of a broken wrist, apparently.

Just as I was setting out to launch my new book, Let’s Have a Dog Party!, I met a wet floor and went splat, neatly snapping the bones in my wrist. Ooh, the pain! Thank goodness for IV drips.

As this post points out, that IV drip for which Ms. Newkirk thanked "goodness" actually owes its existence to animal testing.

Furthermore, in Ms. Newkirk's essay, from which Poodle Bitch quoted above, you can read for yourself how she compares seagulls, monkeys, foxes, and chimpanzees to black humans. Poodle Bitch wonders that anyone takes this woman or her group seriously. She is nothing more than a morally retarded malefactress. And her organization has murdered thousands of companion animals since 1998.

Animal lovers worldwide now have access to more than a decade's worth of evidence showing that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) kills thousands of defenseless pets at its Virginia headquarters. Since 1998, PETA has opted to "put down" 25,840 adoptable dogs, cats, puppies, and kittens instead of finding them "forever homes."

But a photo of a "young chicken in a young pose" is simply beyond the pale, Poodle Bitch notes with dry irony.

Ms. Newkirk's objections to the "young chicken" image that appeared in the New York Times appeared in the same week in which her group PETA released an ad targeting the victim of a shark attack:

PETA is at it again. Just days after a man on a spearfishing trip survived a shark attack near the Gulf of Mexico, PETA launched a controversial campaign portraying a shark chomping a man to death with the tagline "Payback Is Hell, Go Vegan."

"With the recent shark attack in the news, we thought that it was a good time to bring this discussion up that will hopefully save lives, both human and animals," PETA Campaign Manager Ashley Byrne told The Huffington Post.

Here is the ad in question:

Most humans would find it distasteful to use the profound wounding of a man in an attempt to score political points. But then, most humans find it distasteful to put the suffering of AIDS victims below the suffering of a privileged, pampered human woman who slipped and broke her wrist while preparing to promote a book that exploits dogs. In other words, Poodle Bitch notes wearily, this is simply par for the course.

Poodle Bitch also notes that the Disney Channel, something she only watches when she is around human children (which is as infrequently as possible), has ordered a television program about, well, a dog with a blog:

Dog With A Blog centers on 15-year-old Tyler and Kayla, who have just become step-siblings but don’t get along because they’re very different: Tyler is popular, social and gets by on his looks, while Kayla is super smart, socially responsible and despises guys like Tyler. Cue Stu, the new family’s dog. He talks, blogs about his family on his social network, and, with his canine point of view, helps Tyler and Kayla navigate their new sibling status as well as the world of high school. ... Casting is underway for the kids, parents and the dog, who will be real (sans the talking and blogging part, which will most likely be CG animation).

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that the blogging dog must be saddled with allegedly adorable children who are little more than the stock sit-com characters that populate every single Disney Channel program she has ever had to sit through (Poodle Bitch admits that she has not sat through many). She believes that a blogging dog, offering genuinely witty observations on the world in which she lives, should be more than enough to carry a television program.

Children are a crutch that writers use when they can not fall back upon cleverness.

Poodle Bitch also wonders about the necessity of CGI. Traditional, hand-drawn animation has always been good enough for her.

Poodle Bitch is happy to introduce her new little Bitch Sisters -- Frolic and Shock

2011-08-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has been very busy these last few weeks, helping to civilize the new little Bitch Sisters, Frolic and Shock. It has been a messy, frustrating, rewarding time, but Poodle Bitch is happy to report that she has much with which to work in this process. She begs your indulgence as she takes this opportunity to introduce them to you now.

Frolic

Frolic's original domain was the very welkin itself, where she gamboled and played amongst the clouds. Her soft, fluffy white coat provided her with excellent camouflage, even as she occasionally wandered too close to the sun, burnishing her ears and back a darker tan. Alas, it was her too-playful nature that angered the gods of the sky: One day, as the messenger god raced through the clouds, Frolic gave lighthearted chase, nipping at his winged heels. The messenger god tripped over Frolic, and tumbled to earth. Angered, the gods of the sky condemned Frolic to a life on earth, where Poodle Bitch agreed to take her under her own protective if completely metaphorical wing.

Frolic is very nearly potty trained.

Shock

For one million years, Shock was the guard of the gates of the underworld. There she stood as a silent sentinel, preventing the souls of those tormented by eternal hellfire from escaping, while at the same time watching impassively as the Devil himself escorted new souls into the punishing depths. One day it came to pass that the Devil brought with him the soul of a newborn baby, and tossed him into the fiery pits. Shock, recognizing the brutal unfairness of this action, bravely leaped into action, shoving her own face into the hellfire pit. She took the baby's ear in her teeth. Sadly, the ear ripped off, and the baby continued to fall into hellfire, where it is still being punished to this day. For her part, Shock's face was burned, around her eyes and nose, a fitting tribute to her own innate nobility. She was cast out of the underworld, and now she is being taught the importance of the inhibited bite during playtime.

Poodle Bitch is looking forward to many exciting and heartfelt years with the Bitch Sisters -- perhaps, when they are up for it, Poodle Bitch will get the Bitch Sisters blogging. But first: Sit, stay, come.

Poodle Bitch is unimpressed with the new television program "Wilfred"

2011-06-24T01:25:00.001-07:00

Tonight, while waiting for the second season premiere of one of her favorite programs, "Louie," Poodle Bitch decided to sit through the first episode of the program which immediately preceded it on FX, an abomination called "Wilfred."

This unpleasant program concerns an elfish-looking young man called Ryan who wants to kill himself. He is unsuccessful. His attractive and upbeat neighbor inexplicably entrusts this man with the care of her dog, Wilfred.

These two humans have not previously met. They have merely waved at one another, the night before. When Ryan answers the door, his eyes are ringed by dark circles, and his clothes are disheveled. He is a terrible, unattractive mess. If there are humans who are willing to trust such a human to care for their canine companions after sharing only a wave, then Poodle Bitch does not want to meet them.

Then there is Wilfred himself. He is apparently an actual dog, yet Ryan sees him as an unpleasant, irredeemably unlikable human in a dog suit. This human in a dog suit makes tired, unfunny dogs-as-human jokes about the digging up of the back yard, anxiety over whether or not the human woman who left him with Ryan will return to pick him up, and a special tennis ball. There is also the defecating in someone's shoe, the speech about particles of feces in underwear, and the passing of gas and blaming it the human.

Poodle Bitch apologizes for typing that previous sentence.

Also, Wilfred smokes marijuana. And humps the leg of a waitress. And humps a stuffed bear.

The theme of the program is that the human, Ryan, should be more animal, and less human. He should follow his instinct. Ryan's sister, the responsible one who got Ryan a job at the hospital at which she works, is portrayed as a shrill harpy. Wilfred is portrayed as a crass but lovable man in a dog costume.

There are a number of problems with this. The first is, why should anyone care about a drippy loser like Ryan? Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that quitting a job on the first day and giving up all responsibilities, especially in an era of such high unemployment, should be considered a likable character trait.

Second, and most important, dogs do not act like Wilfred. Wilfred is a man in a dog suit. Human beings have only a facile understanding of the inner workings of the average canine. Too many humans seem to think that it's funny to make jokes about the fact that some dogs are either ill-trained enough, or incontinent enough, or neglected enough, that they move their bowels in the house.

How many comedians have routines about their dogs? Wilfred is the hoariest "My dog does the funniest thing" routine that you've ever heard. There is nothing unique, original, or witty about this program. Nor is it funny. Poodle Bitch did not laugh once during this first episode.

Perhaps humans would be happier if they behaved more like dogs. Perhaps they should display more affection for one another. When their human companions return home, they should enthusiastically welcome them. When they rise every morning, they should stretch and greet the day with joy at life's possibilities. They should trust one another more (a lesson which, Poodle Bitch notes, was at the heart of the second season premiere of "Louie," which is a superior program in every way, and should not even be mentioned in the same blog post as worthless "Wilfred").

Poodle Bitch believes that for such a program to succeed it must have at least some feeling of authenticity to it. As she has already noted, the humans do things that have a hollow ring of untruth to them, and she did not care for any of them, not even a little bit. They are all either stupid, or they are ciphers.

At one point during the program, Wilfred gives a long, dull, insincere speech about his life in an animal shelter. Playing with a tennis ball, he claims, made him so irresistibly adorable that he was adopted. Poodle Bitch found herself wishing that he'd been put down, instead. Hopefully this unpleasant program will be.

Poodle Bitch wonders: Which one is more unpleasant? Actually, Poodle Bitch doesn't care.

Poodle Bitch wonders about what life was like for Nazi dogs

2011-05-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch briefly notes the presence of an article from TIME.com, via yahoo, in which it is claimed that Adolf Hitler, the former leader of Germany, attempted to create an army of superior dogs that would do his bidding for him.

In his new book Amazing Dogs: A Cabinet of Canine Curiosities, Cardiff University historian Jan Bondeson mines obscure German periodicals to reveal the Nazis' failed attempt to breed an army of educated dogs that could read, write and talk. "In the 1920s, Germany had numerous 'new animal psychologists' who believed dogs were nearly as intelligent as humans, and capable of abstract thinking and communication," he writes. "When the Nazi party took over, one might have thought they would be building concentration camps to lock these fanatics up, but instead they were actually very interested in their ideas."

Poodle Bitch isn't sure why a human who believed that "dogs were nearly as intelligent as humans" should be considered a "fanatic," but his comment has prompted Poodle Bitch to scratch Mr. Bondeson's new book off her summer reading list.

Poodle Bitch found The Sun's much less dry take on the story, in particular some specifics about a school that was set up to train the dogs, more entertaining than Time's:

Star pupil at the school near Hanover, Germany, was Aire- dale terrier Rolf. He tapped out letters of the alphabet with his paws and was said to have speculated about religion and learnt POETRY.

He reportedly asked a visiting noblewoman: "Could you wag your tail?" Another mutt was said to have uttered the words "Mein Fuhrer" when asked who Hitler was - while another imitated a human voice to bark: "Hungry! Give me cakes" in German.

Other ludicrous experiments saw so-called scientists test telepathic communications between humans and dogs.

Poodle Bitch doubts very much that Rolf was anything more than a very clever canine who found himself in a difficult situation and made the best of it in order to survive. She has found that humans who want to believe in something -- who desperately want to believe in something -- can be made to believe in that something with only the barest of outside help. Poodle Bitch cites the allegedly "guilty" dog, Denver, who recently sent the internet into a tizzy, and Sonny, the dog who could supposedly "read."

These dogs were playing along for the benefit of their human companions. Dogs like to make their human companions feel good. And, Poodle Bitch dryly notes, to get rewards. Because humans are basically good, this is a mostly harmless exercise. However, Poodle Bitch notes with sadness that there are those who, for instance, run dog fighting rings, who exploit this feature of the canine personality for nefarious ends. Then there are the so-called "drug sniffing dogs," who are wrong more than half the time about the presence of drugs, but are right 100% of the time in trying to make their human co-workers happy.

But back to the Nazis: Rolf et al had no idea that these humans were working toward malefic ends. They just wanted to make them happy; so they followed the cues they were given. The humans, in turn, were part of a dangerous, powerful movement centered around a murderously deranged man who was apparently "a well-known dog lover," (as the TIME article ludicrously puts it) and a "barking-mad pet lover" (as the Sun article absurdly puts it) and very much wanted his silly program to succeed. So there were powerful motivations all around to show some measure of success.

She feels safe in declaring that the Nazi attempt to create a race of super dogs who would help them run their concentration camps was essentially a non-starter.

Some dogs will do anything for a treat.

Poodle Bitch admires May, the young poodle bitch who fought off a vicious eagle attack

2011-05-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch does not consider herself to be a particularly athletic dog. Certainly she enjoys the occasional gambol, and has been known to chase a squirrel or two. But she's not much of a romper, and she deeply abhors violence.

Poodle Bitch understands that she is a domestic animal, and as such, her life has been much easier than the life of an animal that must fend for him/herself in the wild. She does not judge other animals doing what they must to survive.

Poodle Bitch's own experiences with "wild" animals have been fairly limited. Aside from the aforementioned squirrels, she might on occasion chase a bird that has lit upon the ground. Otherwise, she is fairly content to let other animals go their way, just as Poodle Bitch expects to be allowed to go her own way, unmolested.

But she has often wondered what she might do in a situation in which she was confronted by a hostile, wild animal, and there was no human there to defuse the situation. Would Poodle Bitch have the intestinal wherewithal to extricate herself from, say, the talons of a vicious, hungry bird of prey?

It is for that reason that Poodle Bitch has taken what might be an obsessive interest in the story of May, a toy poodle who recently found herself in just such a situation.

May fought, and fought hard. And taught a nasty eagle that poodles are not to be trifled with.

She’s a vagabond toy poodle named May by SPCA staff after she fell out of the sky earlier this month and landed on the grounds of the Shorncliffe Nursing Home in Sechelt, B.C.

And how she came to be flying over the nursing home is explained by the deep talon marks in her back and sides, showing she was probably the unwilling passenger of a hungry eagle that had picked her up but eventually found her 18 pounds too much to hold.

May — her ribs broken and her body lacerated — was found by nursing staff on May 2 and delivered to the Sunshine Coast SPCA.

Poodle Bitch is filled with wondering admiration for this dear little bitch -- not merely because May fought her way out of the talons of a ravening beast (Poodle Bitch admits she has filled in certain holes in the story using her own imagination -- for some reason, no journalists have seen fit to interview May, and so the full story might never be known), but because May's life has apparently been that of a wayward urchin, a little vagabond bitch searching for a place to call home:

“She’s been a stray. There’s been severe neglect, and who knows how long she’s been out there,” said [BC SPCA official Lorie] Chortyk. “We estimate she’s six years old but her nails were growing into her pads and her teeth are badly decayed.”

Oh, this poor little bitch's life has apparently been harder even than that of Precious, as depicted in the novel Push.

Poodle Bitch would also like to note that the little bitch May also managed to make her way to a healing center where she might be able to receive the help she needs to recover. This healing center is a nursing home. Poodle Bitch has heard that such institutions often employ the services of Therapy Dogs, which help to raise the spirits of those humans who reside within them.

Poodle Bitch likes to think that May, the stray bitch, was on her way to the nursing home to apply for work as a Therapy Dog, when she was snatched up by the nasty eagle that attempted to murder her. Perhaps an enterprising journalist will take the time to actually ask May for the circumstances of her attack.

Although May has already received some medical treatment, the Sunshine Coast branch of the BC SPCA is soliciting donations for the $4,000 required for May's dental work (doubtless young May damaged her teeth as she used them to tear into the hard, leathery flesh of the cruel nightmare beast that attacked her -- again, Poodle Bitch embellishes). Poodle Bitch very much hopes that May's story moves humans enough to actually donate to what she considers to be a most worthy cause.

Poodle Bitch is unconcerned about "changes" to the Scrabble board game

2011-05-11T09:10:00.001-07:00

To Poodle Bitch, most "board" games might as well be called "bored" games, although she does on occasion enjoy the camaraderie and fun engendered by some of them -- Trivial Pursuit, Beyond Balderdash, and Scrabble in particular. Games like these enable you to get a better sense of your friends' personalities by displaying their knowledge and interest in the world around them. Because Scrabble is one of her more favored games, Poodle Bitch has noted with interest that the game makers are adding 3,000 new words to its official dictionary.

The game's publishers say the additions make this the "most comprehensive Scrabble wordlist ever produced," but that's doing little to soothe some players' ruffled feathers.

"I don't like slang words at all, but if they are going to put them in we will have to use them," Jean Gallacher, of Scotland's Inverness Scrabble Club, told The Scotsman. "I think there is too much slang in the English language as it is, with the way young people are talking."

Poodle Bitch would like to point out that many words that we today take for granted as perfectly acceptable began their lives as "slang" terms that the "young people" used. In fact, she notes that very often attempts to keep "slang" terms out of wider usage were actually snobbish, veiled attempts to keep people of the "lower orders" in their place. Dictionaries are decidedly undemocratic, as they are put together by small groups of people who make decisions as to what words to include and what to leave out based on their own prejudices, and deference to what has been considered "proper" before. This mindset was put into words by Samuel Johnson in the preface to his Dictionary -- the first major dictionary and the standard dictionary from which all subsequent English dictionaries were based:

Of the laborious and mercantile part of the people, the diction is in a great measure casual and mutable; many of their terms are formed for some temporary or local convenience, and though current at certain times and places, are in others utterly unknown. This fugitive cant, which is always in a state of increase or decay, cannot be regarded as any part of the durable materials of a language, and therefore must be suffered to perish with other things unworthy of preservation.

For instance, regarding the word "shabby," which was originally defined by Dr. Johnson in his Dictionary as "mean; paltry," he wrote,

A word that has crept into conversation and low writing; but ought not to be admitted into the language.

Poodle Bitch notes with some amusement that Dr. Johnson wrote that such a low word "ought not to be admitted into the language"; not, "ought not to be admitted into my particular vocabulary."

Johnson was motivated to write his dictionary by a fear that people would be unable to read Shakespeare, or Victorian writers, because the words used in their works would fall into disuse. So his inclination was to "fix" the language so as to slow its natural progression, the change of which was often accelerated by the "fugitive cant." He wanted to emphasize what he considered to be "durable" -- for instance, words Shakespeare used -- and to marginalize that which he did not. Dr. Johnson was remarkably successful in this endeavor. Human language has evolved far less since he wrote his first Dictionary than it ever did before. As invaluable as Poodle Bitch considers Dr. Johnson's work to be, she cannot help but marvel at the venality of his motives.

Poodle Bitch wonders if it is the prevalence of this attitude that has led to the decline of interest in the dictionary as a tool of reference. These antiquated, quaint printed relics cannot keep up in an age in which, if Poodle Bitch has a question about a definition of a word, she is just as likely to check the Urban Dictionary as Merriam Webster online.

Poodle Bitch knows few children, but those she does know crack open their dictionaries solely because a teacher has specifically assigned it. And, as for Scrabble, Poodle Bitch is only a casual player, and only uses the "official" dictionary in online versions of the game.

As far as Poodle Bitch is concerned, the idea of an "official Scrabble dictionary" is as antiquated as the idea of "a dictionary." So it has added words such as "grrl" (why only two "r"'s, by the way?), "thang," "innit," and "MySpace" (there is a word that would have been relevant five years ago)? This will affect very few of us.

Poodle Bitch believes that is a good thing.

Blues-playing schnoodle has Poodle Bitch holding her ears

2011-04-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch cannot decide if the schnoodle is half cute, or can't make up his/her mind to be cute. Naturally, Poodle Bitch admires all dogs equally, but cannot help feeling a sense of specific pride where her own breed, the mighty and noble poodle, is concerned.

Poodle Bitch is not so sure how to feel about Tucker, the piano playing schnoodle.

If in fact, as the uploader of the above video states, Tucker engages in this "piano playing" three or four times a day, Poodle Bitch is glad she does not live with him. Or, next door to him.

Then again, Poodle Bitch would not want to live with the comedic actor Ricky Gervais, either. But she does enjoy watching his antics on occasion.

So, play on, Tucker, wherever you are.

Poodle Bitch wonders if we would still love John Steinbeck today, if the critics of the time had done their jobs

2011-04-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

John Steinbeck was a human American author who wrote several books that are famous. Poodle Bitch has only read a few of those books herself; she finds his works to be mostly pedantic and a rather unsavory mixture of sentimentality bordering on the maudlin, and romanticism of poverty ("Hooptedoodle," as Mack put it in the prologue to Sweet Thursday). Poodle Bitch believes one need look no further than the first sentence of his short novel Cannery Row to discover what she dislikes about his writing:

"Cannery Row in Monterey in California is a poem, a stink, a grating noise, a quality of light, a tone, a habit, a nostalgia, a dream."

Ah, yes. Cannery Row contains multitudes. Poodle Bitch understands.

That said, Poodle Bitch does enjoy some of his works. Of Mice and Men was a fine book, and Tortilla Flat had some interesting details and genuine humor. And then, there is Travels with Charley.

Naturally, Poodle Bitch enjoys reading about a talented human writer spending time with a bright and cheerful poodle, even if that poodle is standard. Mr. Steinbeck clearly understands the bonds that exist between humans and dogs:
It is my experience that in some areas Charley is more intelligent that I am, but in others he is abysmally ignorant. He can't read, can't drive a car, and has no grasp of mathematics. But in his own field of endeavor, which he is now practicing, the slow, imperial smelling over and anointing on an area, he has no peer. Of course his horizons are limited, but how wide are mine?

And so Poodle Bitch was mildly disturbed to learn that the book Travels with Charley, which she had been given to believe was mostly nonfiction, might in fact be heavily fictionalized.

A huge commercial success from the day it hit bookstands, Travels With Charley in Search of America was touted and marketed as the true account of Steinbeck’s solo journey. It stayed on the New York Times nonfiction bestseller list for a year, and its commercial and cultural tail—like those of Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men and The Grapes of Wrath—has been long and fat. For five decades Steinbeck scholars and others who should know better have not questioned the book’s honesty. But I had come to realize that the iconic American road book was not only heavily fictionalized; it was something of a fraud.

An author called Bill Steigerwald set out to follow Mr. Steinbeck's original journey with his poodle companion, and cross-checked the claims made in the final printed version against not only a map of the United States, but early drafts of the manuscript, Mr. Steinbeck's letters, and newspaper articles. The results of his research?

The more I learned about Steinbeck’s actual journey, the less it resembled the one he described.

As it turned out, Mr. Steinbeck spent more than half of his journey in the company of not only faithful Charlie, but his own wife. He also spent a great deal of his time in rather tony hotels; hardly roughing it in the wilderness. He also would have had to have traveled at fantastic speeds impossible at the time to have made all of his stops.

Mr. Steinbeck's book was originally published in 1962. In that time, readers and scholars have had ample opportunity to check Mr. Steinbeck's work, and the claims made within. Poodle Bitch wonders why it has taken this long for someone to do so.

She didn't think to do so for herself, because she assumed that experts in the field of 20th century American literature, in particular those who specialize in Mr. Steinbeck's works, would have done so. Poodle Bitch is hardly an expert on his works herself -- she doesn't have enough enthusiasm for him (as she stated above) to delve too deeply into his oeuvre.

Poodle Bitch wonders if that is the problem? The only ones who are examining with deep consideration are those who are the most enthusiastic. The fanboys, to use the modern vernacular. And those people have no interest in suggesting to the public at large that their favored author might have been less than honest in his dealings with the reader.

Then again, perhaps the scholars took it for granted that readers understood Mr. Steinbeck's "dishonesty." As Mr. Steigerwald points out,

Steinbeck dropped hints in Charley that it wasn’t a work of nonfiction. He insisted, a little defensively, that he wasn’t trying to write a travelog or do real journalism. And he pointed out more than once that his trip was subjective and uniquely his, and so was its retelling.

And:

From what I can gather, Steinbeck didn’t fictionalize in the guise of nonfiction because he wanted to mislead readers or grind some political point. He was desperate. He had a book to make up about a failed road trip, and he had taken virtually no notes. The finely drawn characters he created in Charley are believable; it’s just not believable that he met them under anything like the conditions he describes. At crunch time, as he struggled to write Charley, his journalistic failures forced him to be a novelist again. Then his publisher, The Viking Press, marketed the book as nonfiction, and the gullible reviewers of the day—from The New York Times to The Atlantic—bought every word.

So this was a matter of marketing and of a critical establishment that acted more as cheerleaders for a work of art than as genuine, detached examiners.

Poodle Bitch will bear this in mind the next time she laments the fall of modern movie/literary/music criticism. It has always been thus. Perhaps if there had been a "Smoking Gun" website at the time of Travels With Charley's release, the book would not be remembered today. For the sake of the poodle Charley, that would be a shame.

Then again, if James Frey can have his own "fiction factory," for which he is very well compensated, perhaps even the Nobel Prize winning (in 1962 -- the year of Charley's release, Poodle Bitch notes) Mr. Steinbeck could have recovered.

Denver the guilty dog: Trained in shame, and manipulating a nation

2011-03-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

Companion animals are popular subjects for online amusement. The humans who enjoy these "viral videos" and "funny animal pictures!" find comfort in the anthropomorphizing of the dogs, cats, and other animals with whom they live. Poodle Bitch would like to remind humans that animals are not humans.

Which brings her to the latest "viral video" sensation, "Denver the guilty dog."

"You know the routine," the human says, 1:50 into this manipulative monstrosity. Indeed, Denver does "know the routine." Make the expression. That expression that gets the reaction.

Poodle Bitch never feels guilty partaking of sustenance that the humans in her midst have left in an accessible place. If the human in this video, the one who shot the footage and then set it to the weepy background music (the one redeeming factor in the whole sordid mess is that the musicians behind the song are getting some publicity, even if Poodle Bitch herself doesn't particularly care for the song), truly hadn't wanted Denver to eat the cat treats, he would not have left them in such a place as they could be found. Poodle Bitch does not believe that Denver feels guilt, either.

The human should feel ridiculous, perhaps even stupid. But Denver? Denver ate a bag of treats. Denver should feel satisfied, and most likely does. And, perhaps, smug, at the casual way in which he both manipulates his human companion, and plays along with his fiction.

Poodle Bitch notes that just a couple of years ago, a study was done that suggested that it's humans interpretations of animals' expressions that lead them to believe their companions feel "guilt."

During the videotaped study, owners were asked to leave the room after ordering their dogs not to eat a tasty treat. While the owner was away, Horowitz gave some of the dogs this forbidden treat before asking the owners back into the room. In some trials, the owners were told that their dog had eaten the forbidden treat; in others, they were told their dog had behaved properly and left the treat alone. What the owners were told, however, often did not correlate with reality.

Whether the dogs' demeanor included elements of the "guilty look" had little to do with whether the dogs had actually eaten the forbidden treat or not.

Dogs looked most "guilty" if they were admonished by their owners for eating the treat. In fact, dogs that had been obedient and had not eaten the treat, but were scolded by their (misinformed) owners, looked more "guilty" than those that had, in fact, eaten the treat.

In the "Denver the guilty dog" video, we clearly see the human feeding Denver not treats, but cues. From these cues, Denver knows exactly what the human expects. "Why does he want me to act that way?" he probably wonders. "Who cares? I am an agreeable canine companion, and I want him to be happy. I will do it."

"You know the routine," the human says, tellingly.

Nearly 5 million views on YouTube, and a facebook page with more than 23,500 fans. Denver and his human have a routine, and now the human has made Denver complicit in the manipulation of humans all over the country.

Poodle Bitch believes humans should govern themselves

2011-02-21T08:46:00.000-08:00

Given the current economic situations in which most humans now find themselves, Poodle Bitch doesn't blame them for wanting to vote for new political candidates who represent "change." She would be surprised, however, if humans looked outside their own species for those candidates. Humans are the most arrogant of species.

Actually, Poodle Bitch does not believe that is entirely true. She has heard bad things about dolphins.

Regardless, she was surprised to learn that a canine candidate had been elected to a position of authority, however small that authority may be, in a place called "Annandale."

Running for president [of the Hillbrook-Tall Oaks Civic Association], Ms. Beatha Lee was described as a relatively new resident, interested in neighborhood activities and the outdoors, and who had experience in Maine overseeing an estate of 26 acres.

Though unfamiliar with Lee's name, the crowd of about 50 raised their hands, assuming that the candidate was a civic-minded newcomer. These days, it's hard to get anyone to volunteer to devote the time needed to serve as an officer. The slate that Lee headed was unanimously elected. Everyone ate ice cream, watched a karate demonstration and went home.

Only weeks later did many discover that their new president was, in fact, a dog.

Ms. Lee is a Wheaten Terrier Bitch. Yes, Poodle Bitch capitalized Ms. Lee's credentials because she is both bemused and impressed by Ms. Lee's accomplishment, such as it is.

She was elected to lead a civic association composed of humans who did not even require their candidates to stand before them and present themselves for any sort of inspection whatsoever.

Poodle Bitch is reminded of the classic Alfred E. Neuman campaign slogan, "You could do worse; you always have." Poodle Bitch has no way of knowing what kind of job the previous head of the Hillbrook-Tall Oaks Civic Association did, but she doubts that Ms. Lee could do much worse. The Washington Post article doesn't mention much that is done by the Association -- there are vague references to "ice cream socials" (Poodle Bitch wonders if Annandale is still in the 1950s), grumbling about speed bumps (do they actually place the speed bumps, or grumble about where the speed bumps are placed by the city government?), "annual block parties" (do they really need to meet more than once a year?), and a (losing) "bruising zoning battle against a Montessori school."

In other words, this is a small group of people who feel like they should congregate, but will not do so without an excuse. This would seem to be borne out by the following:

[Mark] Crawford had served three consecutive terms as president and, according to association bylaws, could not run for the office again. For weeks leading up to the election, he begged, pleaded and cajoled neighbors to run for the often-thankless volunteer post. No one bit. Newer, younger families told him that they were too busy juggling work, long commutes and kids. And longtime residents ... said they'd already done their time.

Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps this should have been a red flag to everyone involved in this civic-minded organization. Either change the bylaws (how difficult would that have been, really?) to allow Mr. Crawford (Ms. Lee's human companion, by the way) to again run for president, or dissolve the apparently unnecessary group. Sometimes it is too much to ask for humans to behave logically.

Human beings have caused their own problems. They should not attempt to rely upon canines to clean them up. Poodle Bitch says, Let them plan their own ice cream socials.

Poodle Bitch wonders about human laws

2011-02-13T07:51:00.000-08:00

Doris Muller, and some of her canine companions. (Not pictured: Rage.)

Sometimes, Poodle Bitch is confused by human laws. Case in point: This story, about a woman called Doris Muller in a state called Illinois. Ms. Muller likes companion animals. She likes companion animals a lot.

Muller, 67, love pets. She writes often to this newspaper about her views on animal welfare.

She also is something of a soft touch. A couple of dogs (one is 17 now) came from neighbors who didn't want them anymore. Three more arrived after her daughter's marriage split up.

"They became divorce casualties," she says with a chuckle.

After an adult niece died, Muller took in her two cats. And she also rescued a rabbit no longer wanted by an acquaintance.

Poodle Bitch applauds Ms. Muller's dedication to helping animals that might otherwise be left to roam alone, or victimized by the state. So far, the story is a heartwarming one. Poodle Bitch likes to hear about such things. Unfortunately, the story of Ms. Muller and her animal companions takes a strange and frustrating turn:

Two don't get along: Rage, a 75-pound Treeing Walker Coonhound; and Rusty, a 55-pound mutt. So Miller keeps them away from each other.

Recently, though, she made a mistake: She accidentally let the pair of pooches in the same area. And they started to go after each other.

"That was stupid of me," she says. " ... That wasn't the dogs' fault."

Muller - 5-foot-3, 140 pounds - got them apart right away. So there wasn't much of a fight. She says neither sustained a puncture wound.

As for Muller, she got a sprained wrist from pulling the two apart. And Rage's teeth left a scratch on her wrist.

"It was no big deal," she says.

When Ms. Muller went to the hospital to have her scratch checked, she was told that the incident would have to be reported to local animal control. In the eyes of the law, it seems, a "scratch" is the same as a "bite." And a "bite" is a "bite," whether it's the human companion of said animal, or a complete stranger.

A county animal-control officer arrived at her home with quarantine notice for Rage, the wrist-scratching hound. After a bite, if a domestic animal has not been vaccinated for rabies, it must be kept at a vet or animal shelter for 10 days, says Lauren Malmberg, the county's animal-control director. But a pet with a rabies tag can be kept at home, then taken to a vet for inspection after 10 days.

"Basically, if it's alive it doesn't have rabies, because (with rabies) they'll die in three or four days," Malmberg says.

Muller did as directed with Rage, and her vet pronounced the dog rabies-free - as expected. That cost Muller $45.

Poodle Bitch notes that, because Ms. Muller has at least eight companion animals, she must register herself with the state, which charges her $10 per year for renewal. Presumably, this renewal process includes proof of the companion animals' updated vaccinations.

Perhaps if the "scratch" had been inflicted upon a stranger, said stranger might want to be certain that the animal's vaccinations are up to date. But the human companion of the animal should know. Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that the state was "forced" to act in this way.

Poodle Bitch wonders at the ways in which humans enforce their laws. There was absolutely no way the state could bend in its enforcement of this particular law, and yet, humans are given so much leeway in enforcing other, presumably more pressing and important laws.

Perhaps if Ms. Muller and her canine companion, Rage (and what a loaded name that is!), were more politically connected, there would have been no problem?

Poodle Bitch is unimpressed with Sonny the wonder dog

2011-01-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

Yahoo!'s main page today featured a story in which was asked the age-old question, "Do you think a dog can read?"

To which Poodle Bitch would reply, "Of course a dog can read. How do you think dogs find the material about which to blog?"

However, after viewing the video linked from the yahoo! main page, Poodle Bitch feels confident in saying that, while she believes that dogs can read, she does not believe that this particular dog, Sonny, can read. Poodle Bitch encourages the reader to view the video for him/her-self:

Poodle Bitch will happily concede that Sonny "the wonder dog" could not be more cute, even if he were a poodle. She will also concede that Sonny has been well-trained, or is at least very eager to please. But she is unwilling to concede that Sonny can actually read.

Poodle Bitch wonders if Sonny's human companion asks her inane questions in the same order every time? She also wonders if she uses the same cards every time? Perhaps the answer is even more obvious than that -- Poodle Bitch notes that the human subtly lifts the card with the "correct" answer inscribed upon it, just as Sonny reaches out an innocent paw.

Poodle Bitch speculates that poor Sonny is likely responding to cues in his human companion's voice, and reaching out a paw as he's been trained; then he merely touches the hand that has raised slightly to meet it.

Of particular interest to Poodle Bitch is the sequence around the :35 mark, when the human companion asks Sonny, "What do you chew on?" When Sonny attempts to answer, wrongly, the card on which is inscribed that wrong answer (Poodle Bitch admits she could not read what was on that card) is pulled back as Sonny reaches toward it. Sonny then looks at something or someone off camera and then manages to select the other card, on which has been inscribed the word "Bones."

This is of particular interest because it would seem to confirm the hypothesis that the human companion is "feeding" cues to Sonny (as opposed to bones); it is also of particular interest because sophisticated humans provide their canine companions with tomato slices or chicken on which to chew.

Poodle Bitch has a message to the humans who exploit their canine companions for fleeting internet fame: If you're going to debase them in such ways, at least give them tomato slices.

Poodle Bitch wonders if the definition of "surprise" has changed since last she looked it up?

2011-01-11T08:30:00.001-08:00

Poodle Bitch once attempted to watch "Jersey Shore," but she was unable to make it more than a few minutes into the episode. She understands the program's appeal (after all, she does on occasion watch VH1 reality shows -- or, she did, before they "evolved"); that appeal, however, is lost on her.

That said, Poodle Bitch is well aware of the exploits of many of the program's characters. How could she not be? She has internet access. She knows that one of the characters, Snooki, has written a novel.

Or, had one written for her. Or, collaborated on the writing of a novel. Apparently an author called Valerie Frankel had a hand in Snooki's debut novel, A Shore Thing:

She's Jersey-born, opinionated and not afraid to piss people off. But unlike Snooki, Valerie Frankel has read more than two books. She's also written almost a dozen, which is why she was hired to turn patented Jersey Shore-isms into a work of fiction. "A Shore Thing," released this week, follows a girl named Gia who spends the summer picking up Jucie-heads on the beaches of Jersey. Together, Frankel and Snickers have born lines like: "Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla" and "She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face."

Poodle Bitch admits that the two lines quoted from the novel made her laugh out loud. Parody is not dead, and yet, look at what's being parodied.

Snooki.

Snooki was more than happy to appear on a program called the "Today Show," which alleges itself to be a news program, to promote the novel she either did not write, or collaborated upon, but which bears her name. She explained to the host of that show,

"I wanted to do a story about the Jersey Shore," she told Matt Lauer on Tuesday. "People probably expected my first book to be a biography or guidelines to be a guidette or something like that, and I wanted to surprise everyone with a novel."

The 23-year-old went on to say that she had collaborated with a co-writer on the project but had still written a substantial amount herself. "If you read it you know the first page that I wrote it," she explained. "It's all in my language."

The storyline revolves around two girls - based on Snooki and her MTV co-star JWoww - who spend summer on the Jersey Shore.

"It's pretty much like the show but you're reading it," she said. "So it's like 289 pages of Jersey Shore?" said Lauer. "Exactly!" replied Snooki.

So Snooki wanted to surprise everyone by not writing about herself. So she wrote about herself.

Poodle Bitch wonders if anyone is surprised by that?

Should Snooki's future Library of America volume include Valerie Frankel's name on the cover?

Poodle Bitch does not want dogs to be blamed for the no doubt imminent downfall of humanity

2011-01-11T08:23:00.001-08:00

For better or worse, human beings are the dominant species on planet earth. Poodle Bitch believes this has a great deal to do with the will power and resourcefulness of which humans are capable. There is something within the human makeup that compels them to solve any problem, no matter how long it might take them, no matter how daunting the odds.

Also, human beings have opposable thumbs.

Nevertheless, upon reading this story, Poodle Bitch began to wonder just how much longer those opposable thumbs are going to keep human beings at the top of the species ladder.

Tufts University is throwing stressed-out students a bone: therapy dogs to play with during their final exams.

Colleges have long extended library hours and offered extra counselling [sic] around test time. Now they’re adopting quirky stress-fighting events for students, who face a tough job market in addition to finishing up the semester. From dog visits to free midnight massages to laser tag, students are getting help navigating those last days before turning in final papers and taking finals.

Poodle Bitch has heard of the use of "therapy dogs" in helping human children with life-threatening conditions, and elderly people who enjoy the nonjudgmental companionship that most dogs provide (Poodle Bitch admits that she herself can occasionally be judgmental -- she is going to be judgmental in the next sentence). However, Poodle Bitch finds it absurd that otherwise healthy college students would be so "stressed-out" as to require the services of animals that might otherwise be employed in the comfort of children who are facing actual, real-life stress situations.

She wonders why it is that colleges have taken it as part of their duty to ensure that students receive "free" (aren't they paying tuition, and aren't all of these "free" services included in the cost of said tuition?) "stress-fighting events" (oh, what a wordsmith it was who composed the original AP article!). Poodle Bitch was under the impression that colleges were supposed to prepare human beings for the real world. Just to be sure, Poodle Bitch went to Tufts' website where she found, amidst a great deal of flowery academic purple prose and incoherence, the following "Teaching Philosophy":

Tufts is a world-class research institution with an abiding commitment to excellence in teaching and learning. What happens in the classroom is the essence of the Tufts experience–active dialogue, engaging coursework that extends into the field and around the world and opportunities to think outside the textbook and ask the big questions that really matter.

How can an academic institution on the one hand encourage its students to "ask the big questions that really matter," and then on the other hand tell its students that facing the blank page of a Blue Book creates stress akin to that experienced by a small child facing a debilitating disease?

Surely those "big questions that really matter" are more stressful than a mere exam?

That said, Poodle Bitch does note that Tufts's teaching philosophy does not mention that the students might be asked to come up with answers to or solutions for those "big questions that really matter." Apparently, to Tufts, the asking of the questions is enough. Once a student has asked one of those "big questions," s/he can then spend a few hours seeking comfort in the nonjudgmental paws of an exploited therapy dog, who no doubt believes that said college student is facing some horrible disease.

Poodle Bitch is an optimist, yet there are times when she wonders just how much longer human beings are going to need their opposable thumbs.

Poodle Bitch wonders if the young Tufts University RA shouldn't be more ashamed of himself?

Poodle Bitch assumes she is not welcome on Oprah Winfrey's new network

2010-11-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

A human woman.

Poodle Bitch had never entertained any illusions about ever appearing on television at all, let alone on a network created by someone as illustrious as the human woman Oprah Winfrey, who was absurdly ranked third in the Forbes list of the most powerful women in America this year. Nor had Poodle Bitch ever entertained any illusions about ever being barred from making such an appearance.

And yet, Poodle Bitch notes that Ms. Winfrey has specifically banned her.

Don't expect Oprah to go down market on her network OWN, launching in January.

In a speech at Maria Shriver's Women's Conference, she said her cable net will be "fun and entertaining without tearing people down and calling them bitches. Imagine that. Imagine."

Poodle Bitch considers herself to be "up market," and so she is irritated by the author's assumption that bitches are "down market." But that irritation pales in comparison to what she feels about Ms. Winfrey's blanket assumption that the word "bitch" is pejorative.

Poodle Bitch proudly calls herself a bitch. It is what she is. In fact, she would be insulted if she were called something else.

Apparently, however, the word "bitch" is considered an insult when it is used against human women. Ms. Winfrey might have been inspired to institute her unnecessary ban by the use of the word by one of the co-hosts of the reprehensible program "The View," in reference to a female human politician:

The anger against [Joy Behar] has only strengthened now that she’s called Sharron Angle a “bitch” two days in a row.

Later, Ms. Behar apologized for misusing the word:

“I really shouldn’t have called her a bitch,” said Behar today. “To me, that’s a term of endearment. I reserve that word for people that I know and love. So that was a mistake and I take it back.”

Far be it from Poodle Bitch to approvingly quote a co-host of "The View," but she does like the idea that "bitch" can be a term of endearment among humans.

Among dogs, however, it is simply a word used to describe one gender. Humans who are female are called "women." Dogs are called "bitches." Poodle Bitch does not have any particular animosity toward any female dogs, but if she did, she would go around calling them "women."

"That bitch down the street is a real woman."

It sticks in Poodle Bitch's mouth. She does not insult lightly. And by the way, despite what the author of the last article quoted might believe, "bitch" is not a "curse word."

Curse words – the solution to partisan bickering?

A bitch is just a bitch. Ms. Winfrey and other humans would do well to remember it.

A human woman.

Joy Behar photo source.
Oprah Winfrey photo source.

Poodle Bitch does not appreciate the exploitation of dogs for political gain

2010-10-28T12:23:00.001-07:00

Poodle Bitch considers herself to be above the concerns of human politics. It is generally a filthy business best left to the basest of humans, and she is far too busy chasing squirrels, lounging under the bed, and enjoying tomato slices. The humans can fight it out for themselves; Poodle Bitch is content to take care of herself and humans in her group.

Yet she could not let this go without comment:

Poodle Bitch would first of all like to congratulate Mr. Joe Sestak, who is apparently running for a Pennsylvania US senate seat, for making the most appropriate political commercial she has ever seen.

Politics is poo. Yes, Poodle Bitch would tend to agree, although she finds it irritating to be forced to write such a thing.

But, Poodle Bitch would like to point out to Mr. Sestak that, whatever "messes" the human politicians created that required a "bailout" (yawn -- where is Poodle Bitch's tomato slice?), those messes were in no way canine related. There is absolutely no need to impugn the reputation of an innocent dog in your quest for power.

Poodle Bitch would posit that a few dog "messes" would be infinitely more preferable to whatever human-caused misery that humans are currently enduring.

Poodle Bitch has heard of the phenomenon of human politicians exploiting their children to garner votes. They make public appearances with them, place them in their ads, and give "humanizing" interviews about them on television. Poodle Bitch has also heard that human politicians use other peoples' children to garner votes. "This must be done for the children," they say. "Vote for me, I will protect children."

Poodle Bitch now wonders who will protect the dogs... From the slanderous metaphor being used against them in Mr. Sestak's ad. Only a human lacking in shame and self-awareness (i.e., a human politician) would compare a natural biological function to the collusion between government and corporate interests in pursuit of power and money.

Mr Sestak -- hands off canine bowel movements (except, of course, to pick them up so as to dispose of them in a proper, sanitary, and aesthetic manner). And, more important, please do not engage in any action that causes Poodle Bitch to have to write the words "bowel movements" ever again. Now, if you will excuse Poodle Bitch, she is going to go for a nice long walk.

Poodle Bitch discovered this horrible commercial here.

Poodle Bitch blogs here.

Poodle Bitch supports the creation of new television shows based on websites and twitter feeds -- in theory

2010-10-16T09:56:00.001-07:00

Poodle Bitch is aware of the new television program entitled "$#*! My Dad Says," although she has not yet forced herself to watch it. Poodle Bitch's lack of interest in the program has nothing to do with its phony-provocative title, nor with the fact that it stars William Shatner (in fact, Poodle Bitch has a bit of a soft spot in her heart, owing to his portrayal of "The Chairman" on the first and still most charming attempt to translate the Japanese program "Iron Chef" to America). Rather, Poodle Bitch risks slipping into a catatonic state of boredom by a mere description of the show.

$#*! MY DAD SAYS (pronounced "Bleep My Dad Says"), based on the popular Twitter feed by Justin Halpern, stars Emmy Award winner William Shatner as Ed Goodson, a forthright and opinionated dad who relishes expressing his unsolicited and often wildly politically incorrect observations to anyone within earshot. Nobody is safe from Ed's rants, including his sons, Henry, a struggling writer-turned-unpaid blogger; and Vince, the meek half of a husband/wife real estate duo with domineering Bonnie. When Henry finds he can no longer afford to pay rent, Ed reveals a soft spot and invites Henry to move in with him. Henry agrees, knowing that the verbal assault will not abate and now there will be no escape. Describing their father/son relationship is tricky, but Ed will easily come up with a few choice words.

The above is taken from the official CBS website for the program. In other words, that is part of the promotional campaign designed to entice humans into watching it.

Poodle Bitch wonders why anyone would, when it sounds like almost every other situation comedy that has ever aired. The ostensibly sensible family member is forced by circumstance (he has turned into an "unpaid blogger" -- is there any other kind, Poodle Bitch wonders) to return home and deal with his absolutely crazy family.

And these "wildly politically incorrect opinions"? Well, CBS is a major network that relies on advertising to make its money. Poodle Bitch does not believe those opinions will be too "wildly politically incorrect." And a quick perusal (which is all Poodle Bitch could stand) of the choice quotes from the politically incorrect Ed reveals that Poodle Bitch is correct:

"What? You want to braid each others [sic] hair and talk about boys?"

"A bike?!! Take a look out there. Does that look like Bangkok?"

"cheese and crackers that came at me fast."

Poodle Bitch wonders if the hilarity swirls around the character of Ed -- for she sees no evidence of any hilarity generated by him.

So charming, so kitschy, so misguided. Poodle Bitch cannot help but appreciate Mr. Shatner's efforts.

What has made "$#*! My Dad Says" noteworthy is the fact that it was inspired by a twitter feed with the vulgarity spelled out completely. The charm of this twitter feed is completely lost on Poodle Bitch. The tweets are little more than shallow and artless attempts at humor that come across as more insulting than funny. They are certainly not insightful. For instance:

"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."

Poodle Bitch could not care less whether this man "gives a shit" about anything. And why should anyone try to give less of a shit?

Oh, that is where the humor supposedly comes from. Or, something. Poodle Bitch does not care.

Apparently, someone from "The Daily Show" found this feed amusing, and tweeted a link. From there, it took off, leading first to a book which Poodle Bitch supposes collects the tweeted "witticisms," and then to the television program. Poodle Bitch congratulates the author on coming up with a concept that has apparently captured the human imagination. Apparently, there are a lot of humans who can relate to the uninteresting, mean mumblings of a boring man with no genuine insight.

"$#*! My Dad Says" is the first of a new wave of twitter feeds and blogs that are being mined for television material by producers looking for ideas. The next was a twitter feed entitled Shh...Don't Tell Steve:

Shh … Don’t Tell Steve, which has more than 13,000 followers, follows the action of its creator’s jobless, drunken roommate, without the roommate knowing.

Poodle Bitch wonders where is the humor in such an idea. It is supposed to be funny, correct? Perhaps visiting the feed and reading a few tweets will set her straight:

Finishing making pot brownies. Which, btw, are for Jackass 3D tonight. Steve has set truly unreasonably high expectations for the experience

Jackass 3D pregame in apartment: Spicy Hot Pot Brownies, Honey Wheat Beer, Wings and Aggro Tony trying to light Steve's arm hair on fire

Steve told Shelly if she wants to come to Jackass 3D with us she "can't be all Ms. Haughty Pants, I'm too smart and cool for this"

Steve is in Shelly's head re: "Haughty Pants". Shelly: "I like Johnny Knoxville and I like people fucking with each other. I'm not a snob"

Apparently, selling his twitter feed to CBS is not enough for the person who runs Shh...Don't tell Steve -- he also needs to shill for "Jackass 3-D," a new Paramount film. Poodle Bitch marvels at the corporate synergy on display.

But, she does not find the feed particularly amusing. She notes that the feed has over 1,200 tweets, so it's entirely possible that a few of them are funny. She has too little time to try to find them.

Next came word of a new television program based on a website called "Awkward Family Photos." Apparently, humans occasionally take photos that other humans might consider to "embarrassing." This is based on a sliding scale, for it seems to Poodle Bitch the the default position for human beings is "awkward." Nevertheless:

With news that Awkaward [sic] Family Photos is heading to ABC, someone has to ask how a website full of embarrassing haircuts, dodgy fashion choices and cringeworthy family shots would translate to television. Its screenwriters will certainly have a job on their hands.

Yes, those screenwriters will have jobs, at least, which is an important thing in this economy (so Poodle Bitch has heard. she has seen no reduction lately in her tomato slice allowance, thank you).

Poodle Bitch wonders if the real work will be done by the lawyers. After all, the website (and the book based upon it, Poodle Bitch notices), exist because of reader submissions to the site. Did the owners of the site get full clearance rights to the photos in any and all media existing now and in the future, in perpetuity (one of Poodle Bitch's human companions has sold works for publication before, and has a sad knowledge of contracts)?

As for the site itself, for the most part, Poodle Bitch was unmoved. As she has already stated, humans are usually "awkward." But she must admit that this photo made her laugh out loud:

Poodle Bitch could see creating vignettes, or "sketches," somewhat akin to SCTV or The Dana Carvey Show around the photos, perhaps. But are those types of programs popular now?

The most recent twitter feed to lead to a television deal is "Dear Girls Above Me." As the Live Feed reported:

Dear Girls Above Me is written by a guy who's driven to distraction by the ditzy roommates living in the condo above him. Unlike "$#*! My Dad Says," or the recently sold "Shh ... Don't Tell Steve," however, the entries often dervive [sic] humor from our unnamed protagonist's reactions and not just the quotes.

Samples, each prefaced with the phrase "Dear Girls Above Me":

-- “He said he was Spanish but not a Mexican. What the hell, that doesn’t even make sense!” It does to the entire country of Spain.

-- “Aww, I felt so bad, this homeless-looking bearded guy on Fairfax actually thought it was New Years.” Happy Rosh Hashanah ladies.

-- “I want a guy who’s gonna meet me half way, like the Black Eyed Pea’s song.” I want a girl who doesn’t quote the Black Eyed Peas.

-- “You can’t go on birth control, your tits will get bigger than mine! We had a plan!” Does this plan involve small boobs and a baby?

Ah, yes. Isn't it so very dry that a halfwit is presenting himself as more clever than a quarterwit?

Poodle Bitch finds it a bit ironic that the "letters" are addressed "Dear Girls Above Me," since there is evidence within the texts that they are, in fact, above the petty author. The "New Year's," the "Black Eyed Peas," and the "birth control" comments could easily have been meant by the "girls" to be ironic. Poodle Bitch wonders if the halfwit is being played for a fool.

And, assuming the "girls" really exist, does the halfwit have to pay them a fee for his new television deal. After all, without them, he's just some human no one has ever heard of.

Poodle Bitch is happy for all of the struggling writers who are able to make Hollywood deals based on their websites and twitter feeds. However, she wonders why it is that these Hollywood producers are seeking out the least clever of these new media stars to lavish attention upon. Moreover, she wonders why it is that it must be humans alone that are making these deals.

She happens to know of a very clever bitch who would make an excellent television protagonist. Perhaps she could live with good-natured but ultimately misunderstanding humans, somewhere in Hollywood, and offer observations about the way humans live their lives. If necessary, these observations need not be too witty. Poodle Bitch does not mind being facile, if it will help humans to more easily understand her.

Naturally, the bitch would eat lots of chicken and tomato slices.

Poodle Bitch Wonders Why the Phrase "Crazed Sex Poodle" Would Be Considered an Insult

2010-06-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has led a relatively sheltered life. She has had most of her needs taken care of (she could stand to have more tomato slices now and again, and she sometimes wonders why it is the humans won't go to McDonald's more often for those chicken sandwiches she likes to much -- they are only $1 apiece, after all) and she has only a few times been attacked by another creature.

Most of these attacks, Poodle Bitch will admit, were from small human children attempting to pet her. Poodle Bitch does not like to be petted, most of the time. She prefers proximity to actual touching.

The one time she ever felt truly threatened, when a boorish "great" dane bit her on the bottom and lifted her bodily into the air, Poodle Bitch squealed, growled, called the creature a filthy name, and she was released.

Poodle Bitch was thinking of her rather harrowing encounter when she read of a massage therapist's claim that former vice president Al Gore had attacked her.

In her detailed Jan. 8, 2009, statement to a Portland sexual assault investigator, the woman said she was called to the hotel about 10:30 p.m. Oct. 24, 2006, to provide a massage for Gore, who was registered under the name "Mr. Stone." Once inside his ninth-floor suite, she said he pushed her hand to his groin, fondled her buttocks and breasts, tongue-kissed her and threw her down on the bed as she tried to thwart his advances.

Poodle Bitch wonders if Mr. Gore's full nom de hotel is "Dick Stone". Otherwise she will not make light of this situation. Anyone who has been attacked knows that it is an unnerving and difficult experience. We also know that politicians attack human women on occasion.

Poodle Bitch has no idea if Mr. Stone is guilty of the crime of which he has been accused, she hastens to add.

Portland police spokeswoman Detective Mary Wheat said police didn't go to the hotel or talk to the woman's friends because it wouldn't help prove or disprove the woman's allegations.

"We're not disputing Al Gore was in the hotel room with this woman," Wheat said. "The two people in that room were Mr. Gore and this woman. If a bellhop came in and saw something, that would be different."

Poodle Bitch now has to wonder if this is standard operating procedure in any case of an alleged attack on a human woman. Do police not investigate when a human woman claims to be a victim of unwanted fondling and throwing upon a bed?

Poodle Bitch wonders, since the police do not dispute that Mr. Stone, who was apparently Mr. Gore, was in the room with the massage therapist, did any of them talk to Mr. Gore about the allegations?

From her own experience dealing with "law enforcement authorities" after her attack at the maw of the "great" dane, Poodle Bitch can tell you that they can often be unresponsive and disbelieving.

In other words, although Poodle Bitch has already hastened to add that she has no way of knowing what happened in that hotel room, Poodle Bitch's sympathies were with the human woman.

That's when, she says, Gore wrapped her in an "inescapable embrace" and fondled her back, buttocks and breasts as she was trying to break down her massage table.

She called him a "crazed sex poodle" and tried to distract him, pointing out a box of Moonstruck chocolates on a nearby table. He went for the chocolates and then offered her some, cornering her, fondling her and shoving his tongue in her mouth to french kiss as he pressed against her.

Poodle Bitch likes the turn of phrase "inescapable embrace," she might use it in a poem. What she does not like is the phrase "crazed sex poodle."

Poodle Bitch wonders if this is intended to be an insult?

She understands that, during an attack (and if such an attack occurred), the victim often responds not with cold logic but with uncontrollable emotions. You don't have time to think, merely to react. As the massage therapist says later in her statement, "I was distressed, shocked and terrified."

"Crazed sex poodle"?

Not a poodle.

Poodle Bitch cannot understand why the human massage therapist came up with that. To her knowledge, poodles are not known for their particular sexual proclivities. They are certainly not golden retrievers (yes, "crazed sex golden retriever" would have been a much more appropriate insult). Poodles are known for their intellect.

Perhaps the woman was praising Mr. Gore's intelligence, while at the same time chastising him for the sexual assault?

Poodle Bitch finds this difficult to believe given the rest of that sentence: "and tried to distract him, pointing out a box of Moonstruck chocolates on a nearby table." She believed (and if her statement is to be believed, rightly so) that Mr. Gore could be distracted from committing sexual assault by chocolates.

Does that sound like a smart man -- a man with the intellect of a poodle -- to you?

Poodle Bitch also notes that the massage therapist's statement contains at least two examples of product placement (Grand Marnier, Moonstruck chocolates). Then, there was the mention of the singer Pink.

Later, she said, he tried to lure her into the bedroom to hear pop star Pink's "Dear Mr. President" on his iPod dock. She said Gore sat on one end of the bed and motioned for her to join him.

Poodle Bitch could be acerbic here and state that this is further proof that Mr. Gore is no poodle. Anyone with taste and intelligence would not like Pink, and certainly wouldn't use her music as a lure for anything other than, perhaps, "great" danes.

But Poodle Bitch is not acerbic.

She does not know what to think about the entire episode. She did find something especially sad in the woman's statement, however:

The therapist later told detectives she did not call the police because she was afraid she wouldn't be believed. "I deeply feared being made into a public spectacle and my work reputation being destroyed," she said.

As it was, she said, even friends of hers who had voted for Gore didn't necessarily support her. She did call the Portland Women's Crisis Line, which encouraged her to call police.

Poodle Bitch has nothing particular to say about the accuser being made a public spectacle. She understands that there are false accusations of sexual assault made against human men on a troublingly regular basis.

What bothers Poodle Bitch is that the massage therapist's friends didn't support her. Poodle Bitch (who admits once again that she has had a relatively sheltered life) had come to believe that that was what friends were for. Support.

One needs support from friends, because those who don't know you in the media can and will attack you in such a case. As the website Jezebel points out,

We're all for the benefit of the doubt, and no doubt about it, the new allegations against Al Gore are weird. But when you see blame-gaming reactions, is it any wonder why so many victims don't want to come forward?

Jezebel notes that tired novelist and boring npr host Kurt Andersen has already taken to attacking the accuser in a particularly heartless way. At twitter, no less, he offered the following wisdom:

You professionally rub naked flesh & call the *cops* about an untoward request? Then clam up--but call the cops again 2 years later? Cuckoo.

Poodle Bitch did not realize that massage therapists were sex workers who were expected to provide "happy endings" to all their clients. She also didn't realize that there was generally a time table for claims of sexual assault ("untoward request"), and that waiting too long to report such a crime was considered by humans to be "cuckoo." Or, as the author at Jezebel puts it:

This is, of course, the appropriate reaction: out of hand dismissal, besmirching of accuser's character and a scramble for reasons to not believe that a man whose environmental policy you admire is capable of such actions.

Poodle Bitch cannot stress this enough: She has no way of knowing what happened in that hotel room. She knows that famous and even non-famous human men can and have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, and those allegations can devastate their lives. But she wonders why it should be that for some people, the first response is to attack the accuser before all, or indeed any, facts are in.

And, poodles are not sex-crazed.

Al Gore photo source.

Poodle Bitch Enjoyed "Extreme Poodles"

2010-06-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has heard of the phenomenon of dog beauty pageants, but she is not so interested in showing off for others as to actually want to participate. Then again, Poodle Bitch was not raised by humans who chose to show their affection for her by fussing overmuch on her grooming. They show their affection in other ways, that are very well suited to Poodle Bitch’s temperament.

Yet Poodle Bitch does not begrudge the fact that some humans show their affection to their poodle companions in ways that might seem unduly superficial, if not perhaps a bit disturbing. After all, there is a series entitled “Toddlers & Tiaras” in which parents are shown giving attention to their human offspring by participating in human beauty pageants.

Do you know why the children like those pageants? It is because, Poodle Bitch speculates (she is no expert on human relations nor does she care to become one), the children in question are getting attention from their human parents.

Poodle Bitch probably does not need to explain to the reader, who is probably human, that a little attention is all anyone wants. She is happy for those children who are getting some attention, whatever it might be.

The same is true of dogs. They want attention from their human companions. Some of us, like Poodle Bitch, require only an occasional rub of the belly followed (hopefully) by a tomato slice or two. Others require more, shall we say, active attention. These dogs love the feel of human hands upon them. What those hands are doing is largely immaterial – as long as they don’t belong to a veterinarian the dogs are happy.

Which brings Poodle Bitch to last night’s TLC special, “Extreme Poodles.” This program featured a look at the world of competitive poodle grooming. Despite the fact that Poodle Bitch is hardly “extreme,” and does not generally submit herself to excessively fussy grooming, she was much interested in finding out all about what others of her breed were up to.

The program featured contestants in something called the Barkleigh Poodle Pageant, which sounds a bit dear to Poodle Bitch’s ear (do you get it? because dog’s bark), where groomers present poodles groomed with “color, glamour, glitz, and style.” This according to Kathy Rose, the pageant’s director. Poodle Bitch cannot fault her enthusiasm for the breed; Poodle Bitch shares that enthusiasm. What she can fault is the paltry prize offered to the winning groomer. A mere $5,000 and a cover for a magazine called “Groomer to Groomer”? Poodle Bitch would have expected more for the person deemed to have created the best poodle style.

Then again, after having seen some of the cuts given the poodles in the special, Poodle Bitch wonders if the prizes might have been too great? For while Poodle Bitch appreciates that the groomers and human companions to the dogs are showing them affection by giving them such elaborate hair cuts, that does not mean she cannot find aesthetically displeasing some of the styles.

Or, if she prefers, all of the styles.

Take for instance Nina, whose poodle Jecht is to be dressed as a roller derby girl. When we’re introduced to this endearing couple, Jecht drinks from the toilet while Nina explains that she got rid of her human husband because he didn’t like dogs. Poodle Bitch thinks there might have been something more to the story than that, but she has no proof so she won’t bring it up. Nina then shows off what she calls her “chastity belt trick,” which involves Jecht putting his head between her legs and mimicking a fearsome growl.

If Nina’s ex-husband bothered to watch this program, did he count his blessings?

Jecht loves being a roller derby girl, Nina tells us. She dresses him in a skirt and stockings and declares that “he’s metrosexual.” Poodle Bitch can assure Nina that her dog is not metrosexual – he is just happy to get attention from you. And if dressing your dog up as a human girl and telling him, “I always wanted a girl dog” is how you choose to display that affection, well, he will take it.

But Poodle Bitch feels compelled to offer the following: If you always wanted a girl dog, why not get a girl dog?

Then there is Angela and Josh. Angela has won more creative grooming titles than anyone else, she tells us, and was first in last year’s Barkleigh competition. She has her own grooming business and says that “People actually have to tell me not to put color on their dogs,” as if she is proud.

Poodle Bitch would think that it just makes good business sense to ask people if they want their dogs’ hair colored. To assume such a thing seems a bit ludicrous.

But no less ludicrous than her grooming theme which is either “Buffalo” or “Cherokee Heritage,” depending on who you ask. Her companion Josh is groomed as a buffalo at the head, and with the face and headdress at one of the rear legs. Apparently, Angela is part Cherokee, so she is celebrating her own heritage which Poodle Bitch supposes makes the whole idea less offensive.

Poodle Bitch offers no comment on that. Humans are alternately too sensitive about such matters, and then too easily offended. She cannot keep track.

In addition to the actual groom of the dog, there is a presentation period, in which the groomers display the dog in a tableau meant to illustrate the theme of the groom. For Angela’s part, she has conscripted her father and nephew into wearing Cherokee headdresses and bird costumes to stand and prance around the dog, while Angela herself beats a drum (Poodle Bitch is unsure if the proper term for such a drum is “tomtom”).

Next the viewer is introduced to Sandy and Odin. Sandy is a decorated poodle groomer (who created the rather famous “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” cut) who has a farm with horses, chickens, and, disturbingly, snakes.

But what she really wants is a camel. This despite the fact that she has poodles, and those poodles she describes as “her children.” Because she wants a camel, she will turn her beloved Odin into a camel. During the competition we see just how Sandy creates the “hump,” and this might have been the most disturbing part of the entire program:

She gathers up the scissored hair from the floor and puts it on Odin’s back, using Elmer’s glue and hair spray. Poodle Bitch had to suppress her gag reflex upon seeing that.

The gluing of the old hair was even more disturbing than the use of small human children in her presentation, which included belly dancing around the “camel.” Sandy, who has been belly dancing for about three years, had wanted to use her snakes in her dance, but she decided against that as many humans are made uneasy by snakes. Poodle Bitch can tell you that the same can be said of many dogs, as well. She appreciates Sandy’s discretion.

The next groomer the program followed was Lori, and her poodle Falcor. Lori has a grooming shop called “Doggie Styles,” which Poodle Bitch has to admit she finds an amusing name for a grooomer. What she did not find particularly amusing was the fact that Lori employed the services of a reikei practitioner upon Falcor.

Again, Poodle Bitch admits that Falcor probably appreciated the attention, but her skeptical hackles rose when she saw the groomer spending money on such pseudoscience.

Anyway, her theme is African safari; Falcor’s head is to be done with a lion’s mane, his left hind leg with a giraffe head, and the right hind leg a zebra head. Lori forces her assistant to do the bulk of the dancing that was part of the presentation, while she, Lori, put on her bottom a set of baboon-style rubber buttocks she turned toward the audience and shook.

Lori’s husband, when asked for three words to describe the grooming competition, says, “Ridiculous, lunacy, and ridiculous.”

Compounding the lunacy was the fact that it was Lori and Falcor that actually won the competition. Poodle Bitch is no expert on the taste of humans, and the special was carefully cut so as to prevent the viewer getting a full look at the other dogs in the competition, but she believed that the second place finisher, despite its hippie theme, was quite good. Poodle Bitch also appreciated the alien invasion/SF themed presentation.

Extreme Poodles did not present poodles or their human companions in the best possible light, but Poodle Bitch appreciated that the program appeared at all. The worst one can say about the humans depicted is that they truly feel affection toward their poodle companions. That is very good indeed, especially given the way humans are depicted on other reality television programs.

Poodle Bitch Thought that the Dog Whisperer was Gay

2010-06-08T07:06:00.001-07:00

Poodle Bitch is surprised. She is only a sometime viewer of the National Geographic program "The Dog Whisperer" (it is exploitive and manipulative, but Poodle Bitch does have a bit of a taste for such things), but if she'd been asked, she would have told the asker that surely the host, Cesar Millan, was gay.

Not that Poodle Bitch particularly cares. There is little she finds more tedious than the private lives of dog "trainers." Most people get into that business because they lack the faculties to deal with their own kind and, arrogantly, believe they can manipulate other species. But the idea that Mr. Millan was gay was the only thing that Poodle Bitch found even remotely interesting about him.

So, as previously stated, Poodle Bitch was surprised to learn that Mr. Millan, the Dog Whisperer, was married, and had been married for sixteen years. She is also surprised, and she must admit a bit saddened, to learn that Mr. Millan and his wife are separating, according to a statement on his blog.

A Personal Message from Cesar and Ilusion Millan

We are sad to announce that after 16 years of marriage we have decided to file for divorce. The decision was made after much consideration and time. We remain caring friends, and are fully committed to the co-parenting of our two boys.

Now, whenever he attempts to use his TSST! on any dogs, they will not take him seriously. "You want me to stop chewing up the carpet?" they will say. "You couldn't even keep your marriage together!" Mr. Millan has lost all credibility in the dog community, Poodle Bitch can assure him.

He had best move on to another reality show. Prior to this revelation, Poodle Bitch would have suggested he appear on RuPaul's Drag Race, but, as she's already stated, she was surprised to discover that Mr. Millan was not gay.

Of course, the reader is probably noting in his/her mind that there was a recent high-profile coming out, when Fran Drescher, the nails-on-a-chalkboard-voiced star of "The Nanny" television show, revealed that her ex-husband was gay. It is not unprecedented for a human man to feel he must live a lie in order to fit in.

Poodle Bitch doesn't wish to make light of the situation, but she wonders what man wouldn't pretend to be straight, to be close to Ms. Drescher?

To be serious: Poodle Bitch finds the idea particularly troubling, that some humans feel they cannot be open and honest about themselves. Very few dogs she has ever met have had this problem. Dogs are open and honest with each other about everything. Dogs sniff at one another's buttocks.

The reader might also note that Mr. Millan's wife is apparently named "Ilusion." Perhaps the woman was not real at all. Oh, wait, Poodle Bitch has found a photograph of the two of them together.

So the Ilusion is real. Poodle Bitch finds it amusing that a dog "trainer" married a woman with a name that sounds, to her admittedly jaundiced ear, like that which a dog's whimsical human companion might bestow on her.

"Ilusion! Stay! Ilusion! TSST!"

Poodle Bitch apologizes for her tasteless joke at the expense of two people who might actually be hurting. But, as she's already suggested, she has little respect for dog "trainers."

All of this comes on the heels of learning that some humans believe that animal companions can improve your human relationships.

We hardly need to look at the research to verify that pets do good things for people physically and emotionally. What is interesting in my work with couples is that although couples may vehemently disagree on most topics, they usually both soften in manner and tone to agree that the dog, cat, bird or horse is great.

In fact, if there is any criticism, it is the verbalized wish to receive the kind of love and attention the pet is getting.

“I only wish she was as affectionate with me as with our dog!”

“You should hear him speak to this animal – he never speaks to me that way.”

The people who would say such things are sad to Poodle Bitch. Trust Poodle Bitch: if humans and animals shared a common language, their relationships would be just as complicated and troubling as relationships that humans have with one another. Humans have been manipulated by "their pets," and the generations of breeding those "pets," into believing that animals love them. Most are just relying upon you for food and shelter.

They are conflating love and need. An inability to fully communicate serves as a protective barrier for the humans. It is helpful for dogs as well. Some of us would have to pretend we were something we weren't in order to please you.

Or, do you want to start sniffing your dog companions' buttocks?

Cesar and Ilusion Millan photograph source.

Poodle Bitch Did Not Expect to Love "Life Unexpected"

2010-03-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has first paw experience with adoption, as she herself was adopted as a mere pup. She considers herself lucky to have found the human companions that she did, as she has heard the most dreadful stories – stories she has neither the desire nor the stomach to relate here – of canine adoption nightmares.

Nevertheless, Poodle Bitch has on occasion wondered what her birth mother was like. What kind of bitch would Poodle Bitch be today, if that now nameless, faceless Poodle Mother had raised her? Poodle Bitch’s curiosity is idle at best, woolgathering for those times when she is otherwise unpreoccupied by important subjects and diversions. Diversions such as the television program “Life Unexpected.”

Poodle Bitch did not watch the first few episodes of this series because (a) it was on “The CW,” and Poodle Bitch was given to understand that “The CW” was exclusively for teenaged girls and dirty old men who write for glossy entertainment magazines about the "cultural relevance" of shows about teenaged girls engaging in three-ways, and, (b), it concerns a human teenaged girl who finds her birth mother after spending the first 15 years or so of her life as a “foster child.”

Poodle Bitch now regrets that she missed those early episodes. And she hopes that others will learn a lesson from her – that lesson being, don’t prejudge a show just because it appears on the same network as such tedious fare as “Gossip Girl,” and, well, to be honest, Poodle Bitch does not know any other CW shows by name.

But Poodle Bitch loves “Life Unexpected.” This was unexpected.

Poodle Bitch forgives herself for waiting until recently to give "Life Unexpected" a try. Who would blame her, when "The CW" marketed it by comparing it to the arch and artificial movie "Juno" and the equally glib and remote "Gilmore Girls"?

Tonight’s episode began with Cate and Ryan, hosts of a popular Portland morning radio show, deciding once again to get married. This is big news to viewers of the show, but if you haven’t been watching, Poodle Bitch will excuse you if you scratch your head. You see, Cate and Ryan were the engaged co-hosts of a popular morning radio show when their lives were turned upside down by the appearance of the teenaged daughter that Cate had put up for adoption back when Cate herself was a mere 16 years old.

16 is very, very old for a dog to be giving birth, but apparently for humans it is considered very early. So much so that Cate decided she could not provide her daughter with as good a life as some nameless, faceless adoptive parents. That is why Cate decided to do what she thought was best for her daughter, and let her go.

In a touching scene last week, Cate informed Ryan that she couldn’t even bear to hold her daughter, because she was afraid she might not want to let her go; even though she felt that this was in her daughter’s best interests.

Anyway, the reason that Cate and Ryan’s latest engagement is so important is that Ryan called off the engagement a few weeks ago, when he learned that Cate had slept with Baze when the two of them, Cate and Ryan, were technically not seeing each other.

And just who is Baze, Poodle Bitch can here you inquiring through the internet tubes. Well, Baze is the father of Cate’s daughter, Lux.

Speaking of Lux, she has some trouble of her own. As she arrives to school she encounters Jones, the star quarterback of the varsity football team. All that Poodle Bitch knows about football is that one of the quarterbacks in the NFL had a dogfighting ring, and that the man who is married to one of the Victoria Beckham, AKA Posh Spice, is also a player, although on another continent. Nevertheless, Poodle Bitch doesn’t hold this against the sweet Jones, who tried so hard to impress Lux a couple of weeks ago, when he drove her three hours to visit her friend Tasha who had been recently adopted.

Poodle Bitch implores the reader to keep up with her.

Jones took Lux to the winter formal, or some other type of cotillion that human teenagers enjoy. However, Lux’s former boyfriend, Bug (he has a tattoo on his neck), showed up, and the two of them engaged in the act of coitus immediately before Jones took her to this dancing event.

Baze found one of Bug’s condoms, and, thinking it belonged to Jones, went to the dance to confront Jones. Jones of course didn’t know what Baze was talking about, but Lux admitted that the condom was Bug’s, that Bug had returned to Portland from the hostel in Sacramento, and the two were picking up where they left off.

Jones, heartbroken, left the dance. Lux stayed, and Bug arrived with a bouquet of flowers.

And now, for some reason that Poodle Bitch doesn’t quite understand, Jones has invited Lux to his party. He encourages her to bring her boyfriend, Bug. “It will be great to see him again,” he says, ironically.

Cate, planning her wedding with real zest, asks Lux to be her maid of honor. Lux is honored by the request, although she doesn’t have a chance to actually say yes before Cate receives a call from her sister, Abby. Abby is miffed because she has only just heard that Cate is now re-engaged to Ryan – why did she have to receive this important information in a voice mail from their mother?

Well, Cate explains, if you were home more, or at least answered your phone, you would know everything that’s going on in my life. But apparently you’ve been “shacking up” with some “mystery man.”

At this point, Lux excuses herself. She knows the identity of the “mystery man.” And she knows that Cate will be upset when she discovers who it is, herself.

It is Baze. The man whose sperm fertilized the youthful Cate’s egg those 16 years before, in the back seat of a car in the school parking lot during the spring cotillion.

But Cate’s more immediate problem is that Abby has just assumed that she will be Cate’s maid of honor, and is already planning whatever types of events those so honored plan. Being a dog, Poodle Bitch has little knowledge of such things. But she does enjoy yoga; or, at least, she does a “downward facing dog” every time she gets up from a nap, so she is sympathetic to Abby’s suggestion that Baze accompany her to her yoga class.

However, Abby has only just suggested that Cate might want to do a workout herself, to avoid the whole “double boob thing,” an absurd suggestion, as the waifish Cate appears to weigh a delightful 98 pounds; but Cate takes the suggestion to heart.

And ends up at Abby’s yoga class. Stretching out next to Baze. At this point, Cate realizes that Baze and Abby are sleeping together. She declares, loudly, “You are th e guy that my sister is sleeping with?”

All of this before the first commercial break.

The episode concerned the attempt of Cate and Ryan to elope, rather than deal with the troubles that spring from planning a wedding involving their “crazy” relatives. They plan to take Lux and go to a bed and breakfast, and be married the next day.

Cate goes to Baze’s to retrieve Lux. Lux, however, is at the party at Jones’s. Because the rain has picked up, Cate is now stranded at Baze’s with her sister Abby, and Baze’s roommates. For their part, the roommates don’t like Abby – she is encroaching on their turf, and having what they consider a deleterious effect on their friend. They confront him to try to apprehend the real reasons for Baze’s sleeping with Cate’s sister.

Baze explains that he is really concerned about his daughter, Lux. You see, Lux walked in on Baze and Abby the morning after they’d spent their first night together. He wants to show Lux that it was actually more than just a “one night stand.”

Poodle Bitch knows only a very little about humans; mostly what she has read in the works of Mary Robinson and Samuel Johnson, but she can tell you that this sounds exactly like the type of thing that a human would say. Humans are very good at rationalizing their decisions. She understands that they must derive some comfort from that, and to a certain extent, she envies them.

Mary Robinson, the great author and dog companion, might have been at home writing for "Life Unexpected."

Abby claims that Cate is upset because she is jealous. She, Cate, really wants Baze. But Cate explains that her problem is with Abby, not Baze. Abby insinuates herself into Cate’s life “in the most insane ways.” Just as Abby “insinuated” herself into the maid of honor role, so has she “insinuated” herself into the bed of the father of her child.

That child, by the way, is having problems of her own. In a fit of jealousy, she confronts Jones after seeing him kiss another girl. Why is he “moving on,” when earlier that very day he claimed that he would have a hard time “moving on” from her?

Why does she want to be with Bug, but when she sees Jones with another girl, she becomes jealous? She can’t have it both ways, he tells her. She replies, incoherently, that she isn’t trying to have it both ways. But of course she is, which is another all-too-human characteristic.

Poodle Bitch lives her life in a way that is unequivocal, and uncompromising. That is an all-too-canine characteristic. But she will admit that she envies that humans can be so straight-faced in their schizophrenia.

Lux calls Ryan, and asks him to retrieve her from Jones’s party. Ryan does so, but with the rain coming down in hammers and nails they are unable to make it back home, so they must stop at the radio station where, apparently, they don’t have generators, as the power is out there, as it is back at Baze’s. Poodle Bitch knows little about radio, but she wonders why a radio station would lose power but that is a small quibble, as Ryan brings Lux into the radio booth, where the two seek to get to the root of Lux’s problems with Jones and Bug.

Lux and Bug have been together, “off and on,” for about two years. That is a lifetime for human teenagers. We are treated to a couple of flashbacks to Lux’s difficult life as a foster child. She has terrible abandonment issues. Poodle Bitch cannot imagine what it would be like to spend the first 15 years of your life moving from one temporary living situation after another.

But back to Cate and Baze, et al: Baze, having been convinced that he should stop seeing Abby, attempts to break up with her. She, being a therapist, is adept and parrying all of his reasons – he is just afraid of going after what he wants, because he’s afraid he’ll lose it.

No, Baze says, finally. I can’t see you anymore because I actually have feelings for Cate. “I had no idea,” Abby says. “Neither did I,” says Cate, who has been listening at the door.

It is unclear if Baze was being truthful, or if he was merely trying to get Abby to break up with her. But he’s stuck with his story, and he has to play it out.

“It’s going to be so weird now when we’re together,” Cate says. “Weird for Lux, weird for Ryan…”

Abby screams at Cate: “You bitch about us being together, and you bitch about us not being together,” she declares, using Poodle Bitch’s name inappropriately. “This isn’t Burger King, you don’t get to have everything your way!”

In this way, Lux’s and Cate’s stories mirror one another. They are truly mother and daughter, and this is a story worthy of the great Mary Robinson. This is the way human beings act, and interact. They are messy, selfish, sincere, selfless, pitiable, enviable, confusing, engaging, striving, contradictory. Human beings do not, and can not, react in predictable or even completely coherent ways. That is something that Poodle Bitch admires about this show.

If Cate didn’t have feelings for Baze, Abby explains to Cate, then it wouldn’t matter that Baze has feelings for her.

Having watched the program for the last six weeks, Poodle Bitch cannot understand why anyone would be conflicted about the choice between Ryan and Baze. Ryan is clearly and logically the better man. He is sincere, earnest, trustworthy, kind, loyal, and the actor who portrays him, Kerr Smith, has absolutely dreamy, bedroom eyes. Baze is an irresponsible schlub. But he is also good-looking, in a disheveled sort of way, and he is endearing in his infrequent attempts at self-improvement, spurred on by the appearance of his daughter. He’s helped by the fact that he is portrayed by Kristoffer Polaha, who is no Kerr Smith, but is not without charm.

Yet Baze displays his venality when Cate confronts him later. I lied to get Abby to break up with me, he explains. He doesn’t have any feelings for Cate. The actress who portrays Cate, Shiri Appleby, manages to convey apprehension, hurt, anger, and disgust with a single glance. Ms. Appleby has been gifted with a pair of eyes that are unusually large, bright, and expressive, and she uses them to great effect; there are times when the writing is uneven, but Ms. Appleby’s eyes can cover almost any weaknesses in the writing, as infrequent as those are.

When Cate asks Baze, “You want to know what I think of you?” and then answers her question with “Not much,” it’s the look that gives the line its power.

Back at the radio station, Ryan is able to help Lux understand the extent to which she hurt Jones’s feelings by rejecting him. It’s not unlike when Lux was an orphan, and she was rejected by a certain foster family. Rejection hurts, no matter the size of the rejection, or the circumstances. Lux needs to be more empathic – a quality that might have hurt her during her life as a foster child.

Even Baze grows up a little bit, telling Abby that he lied about having feelings for Cate. He lets her down nicely. But Abby thinks Baze is lying about lying. “The fact that that was your go-to lie – there’s probably more to it than you think.”

For her part, Cate admits that she is a little jealous of Baze and Abby, and she is afraid of what that means. Later, in talking with Abby, Cate comes to realize that much of the strain on the sisters’ relationship was caused by her resentment over the fact that during her pregnancy, she felt like no one was there for her – not even her younger sister. Abby has felt shut out of Cate’s life since the time when she was pregnant with Lux, and maybe that’s why she started dating Baze; it was a way to “insinuate” herself back into Cate’s life, in a meaningful way.

This leads to a tearful hug between the sisters. It also leads to Poodle Bitch fighting back tears. Cate and Ryan decide not to elope, but they are going to get married in two weeks, which, Poodle Bitch notes, is the season finale.

Poodle Bitch sincerely hopes that Cate doesn’t mess things up before then. Poodle Bitch also must admit that she kind of hopes that Cate does “mess things up.” That’s what humans do.

Mary Robinson photo source.

Poodle Bitch Still Does Not Know "The Price of Beauty," and She Wonders Why Jessica Simpson was the One They Asked

2010-03-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has made no secret of her contempt for Jessica Simpson. The woman is vacuous and pathetic, eliciting both sympathy and irritation. Ms. Simpson seems to have only two redeeming qualities—the breasts that her father has boasted “can’t be hidden.” She continues to push herself upon a public that can only bear so much of her, laughing until the tragedy becomes almost too much to bear, and then forgetting her again.

At some point, Poodle Bitch wishes that Ms. Simpson would get on with her life, if not out of the public spotlight, at the very least in such a way as to better herself. Despite her fame, she has met with stunning failure as a singer, actress, and variety show host. She seems to have terrible taste in human men. Something must be done; she must help herself. No one else will.

Perhaps traveling the world, learning about other cultures, could help her.

Poodle Bitch will admit that she was at first intrigued when she heard about Ms. Simpson’s new show, “The Prince of Beauty.” A television program dissecting the cultural differences about ideals of beauty, even physical beauty, could make for penetrating television. Having Ms. Simpson along as host added another layer. This, after all, is a woman who has built much of her career on the sturdy edifice provided by those breasts that her own father loves so much. Moreover, she has been accused of being everything from “too fat” to “too skinny.” There is much there to play with.

Alas, Poodle Bitch is disappointed to report that “The Prince of Beauty” neatly sidesteps any of its unique possibilities. It is difficult to say this after merely one episode, but Poodle Bitch believes that it might actually be the worst television show that the odious VH1 has ever offered.

And Ms. Simpson might be the least appealing “star” VH1 has ever built a television program around.

Ms. Simpson begins the first episode with a doe-eyed lament that “there is a lot of pressure to feel beautiful.” Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps the pressure that Ms. Simpson is feeling has more to do with looking, than feeling beautiful. Poodle Bitch is not a human, but she has a hard time understanding why anyone would care whether Ms. Simpson feels beautiful.

Is not the issue that she must look beautiful?

Yes, for Ms. Simpson flatly states that “People put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.” This is spoken as part of a voice over, while images of Ms. Simpson in short, tight dresses on red carpets are displayed. Poodle Bitch cannot help but wonder if perhaps Ms. Simpson is actually part of the problem, if indeed this is a problem?

Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson is one of those “people” who put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.

“I’m going to travel the world to see what makes a woman in different cultures feel beautiful,” Ms. Simpson insists. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson does in fact require some kind of education in that regard. However, she believes that Ms. Simpson should take her educational medicine without a camera for which to perform. Ms. Simpson does not represent America. She does not represent American culture. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson represents nothing more than a spoiled, privileged, sad young woman trying desperately to prove her relevance to an indifferent world.

Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson would undertake such a journey of discovery if last country album had done better?

Not helping are the two “friends” that Ms. Simpson brings along with her. One of them is a fellow named Ken, who does Ms. Simpson’s hair and makeup. In other words, this man is an employee of Ms. Simpson; yet he is described by her as “one of my best friends in the world.”

Poodle Bitch is a dog, so she is unclear on this point: Do humans typically pay their friends to hang out with them?

The other friend, CaCee, “just makes everybody laugh.” That is all we are told of her, although she is shown helping Ms. Simpson pick out clothing with Ken. Poodle Bitch cannot help but infer that the sad, truly friendless Ms. Simpson is paying CaCee to hang out with her, too. As her personal shopper, or stylist, or something equally tragic.

How is Poodle Bitch to enjoy a program when she feels sad for the protagonist? Sadness that gives way to irritation, such as when Ms. Simpson states “The reason I’m going on the journey of beauty in all of these different countries is because I want to find it for myself.” Poodle Bitch wonders what, exactly, “it” is supposed to be in that illiterate sentence? “Beauty”? Poodle Bitch wonders about a human who needs help finding an abstract idea.

Poodle Bitch also wonders why she should care whether a woman who has built her career on having enormous breasts, and shapely legs, but very little in the way of intelligence, ever finds “beauty.”

The first stop for these three sophisticates is Bangkok Thailand. The three are shown being driven in a large automobile, pointing at various landmarks and making inane observations. Poodle Bitch is already considering urinating on her television set.

“It’s a whole—nuther world,” CaCee says. This is the woman who, according to Ms. Simpson, “makes everybody laugh.”

Apparently, she doesn’t make everybody think.

The three are of course “exhausted” from their flight, so they get a Thai massage. Ms. Simpson hopes she doesn’t pass gas, then gasps and cries, “ow!” as her body is contorted by the massage. Has she learned anything about beauty yet?

Thailand’s “beauty ambassador” is a model and actress named Sonia Couling, who hosts Thailand’s version of “America’s Next Top Model.”

Poodle Bitch knows when she is being played for a sucker, and she has now reached her breaking point. The television has gone off. Nothing about this program is serious; it is merely a television vehicle for Ms. Simpson, an excuse for her to take her “friends” with her on a trip around the world, while, for a change, someone else pays them to associate with her.

Poodle Bitch has better things to do with her time.

Pity poor Jessica Simpson. She tried to capitalize on her physical assets, her career faltered, and now she is suddenly concerned about what other cultures consider beautiful.

Photo source.

Poodle Bitch Wonders About the Sexual Habits of Humans-- or at Least of Heidi Montag

2010-01-12T17:21:00.000-08:00

That headline is misleading. To be honest, Poodle Bitch does not wonder about the sexual habits of humans, at least not usually. Unfortunately, her eye came across a bit of news about the new Heidi Montag (Poodle Bitch thought she was calling herself "Heidi Pratt" now) album. She read some of the lyrics. And she shuddered:

On Tuesday, after three years of waiting, she [Heidi Montag] officially dropped her debut album, Superficial -- and she gets racy. Verrry racy.

Take the track "I'll Do It," for instance.

"I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em," she sings. "Come eat my panties off of me / Do whatever you feel comes naturally."

Poodle Bitch would like to point out first of all that "verrry" in the second sentence pulled from the US magazine article was the original author's attempt at something Poodle Bitch can only assume was "hipness." She does not make such grammatical errors.

As to the actual content quoted above, Poodle Bitch does appreciate the idea that Ms. Montag might bring her romantic partner "treats," perhaps tomato slices. All creatures, including humans, should get treats. But the next lines-- "come eat my panties off me/Do whatever you feel comes naturally" are confusing to Poodle Bitch.

Is it natural to eat panties?

Poodle Bitch wonders if humans can become sufficiently aroused so as to want to ingest human undergarments, composed as they are of cotton, silk, or lace, and containing as they do the remnants of varying types of human waste, however trace those remnants might be.

This especially given what we know of Ms. Montag-or-Ms. Pratt's eating habits.

Poodle Bitch wonders if after they shared their Taco Bell "treats," did Spencer Pratt then ingest his wife's panties as well?

Photo source.

Should Poodle Bitch be Worried About H1N1?

2009-12-06T08:13:00.000-08:00

Poodle Bitch was pleased to discover that yahoo had a gallery of canine-related photos for her perusal. "Dogs at Work and Play," was the headline. There is little that gives Poodle Bitch more joy than to see her fellow dogs working and playing.

Unfortunately, Poodle Bitch began to lose her appetite with the second photo in the gallery:

Original caption: Randel Pride of Peoria, Ill., playing Santa Claus, gets his beard cleaned by an affectionate five-month old Yorkshire Terrier named 'Ella' during pet pictures with Santa at My Dog's Bakery and Boutique in Peoria, Ill., Saturday, Dec. 5, 2009. Over 100 dogs and one cat had their portraits taken with the Jolly Old Elf, with proceeds to benefit local shelters.

Poodle Bitch cares little for the enforced jollity of the "holiday season," although she does not begrudge others for enjoying it. Most especially the children and puppies, and according to the caption, the yorkshire terrier depicted in the above photo is "an affectionate five-month old." (And what if she had been an irritable five-month old? Or irascible? Would the picture still have made it into the gallery?)

However, Poodle Bitch loses her appetite whenever she sees a dog licking someone else's hair. Especially when that hair is fake. What do they use to simulate the whiskers of "the Jolly Old Elf?"

But later in the gallery, Poodle Bitch was appalled to discover something far more disturbing.

Original caption: Pet dogs are seen wearing masks after local media reported that two dogs were infected with H1N1 flu virus in Beijing, Tuesday, Dec. 1, 2009.

Poodle Bitch must pause a moment to take this in.

Dogs are now becoming infected with the virus formerly known as "swine flu"? Poodle Bitch was aware that LOLCats were susceptible, as an Iowa cat was supposed to have caught the virus. This after the ASPCA suggested that Poodle Bitch and other dogs, and cats, had little to fear from the virus.

Naturally, Poodle Bitch was alarmed. As she does when she becomes alarmed, Poodle Bitch took a deep breath, counted to ten, and then started gnawing on her forepaw. This calms her, although her humans sometimes mistake it for OCD. Next, she went back to the photo's original caption, which reads that "local media" reported that dogs had become infected. This is local media in China.

Already, Poodle Bitch begins to feel less threatened. The "local media" in China is notorious for its inaccuracy and alarmism. And sensationalism. Remember just a couple of months back how the "Chinese media" was reporting on a Swedish town full of attractive human lesbians-- who beat to death the human men who accidentally enter:

Several Chinese media outlets have published reports claiming that 25,000 women live together in Chako Paul City, which is said to have been built in the forests of northern Sweden in 1820.

The residents have turned to same-sex relationships to satisfy their desires, and any men attempting to gain entry risk being "beaten half to death" by the blonde sentries at the gates, according to the reports.

The far-fetched fantasy appears to have been swallowed by many Chinese men, forcing Swedish officials to issue a formal denial that the town exists, or ever existed.

Now having been mollified somewhat, Poodle Bitch took to google to find any stories about dogs contracting H1N1. She found an article at a site called "China Daily," which seemed to confirm the story.

Health experts in China have assured pet-lovers they need not panic following the discovery of two dogs infected with the deadly H1N1 flu at the weekend.

The animals were diagnosed in Beijing and, while it is possible for pets to transfer viruses to their owners, scientists said there is no evidence to suggest pets are already spreading the illness.

"If animals can get infected from humans, then the reverse is also true," said Feng Zijian, director of emergency response for the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

"But there is no need to panic in this case."

Poodle Bitch appreciates that there is no need to panic in this case. Now excuse her while she gnaws on her forepaw.

She recalls that in Egypt thousands of pigs were slaughtered, because that would make officials there appear to be doing something positive to prevent the spread of what was then called "swine flu." So, whether it is true or not that dogs are getting H1N1, they are all potentially at risk for death at the hands of overzealous public officials.

So, while Poodle Bitch is unlikely to begin worrying for her health based on the word of untrustworthy sources, she is worried about what the word of untrustworthy sources might do to humans who panic without thinking. She takes solace from the following at the American Veterinary Medical Association website:

So far, there haven't been any reports of dogs infected with the 2009 H1N1 flu virus. Based on what's been reported, ferrets and two cats – and probably dogs, if they can become infected with the virus – have shown signs of respiratory illness. These signs can include lethargy, loss of appetite, fever, runny nose and/or eyes, sneezing, coughing, or changes in breathing (including difficulty breathing).

Keep in mind that dogs currently have their own flu virus, the H3N8 influenza (canine influenza) virus, going around. So far, this flu virus has only been spread from dog to dog. Dogs infected with the canine influenza virus show the same symptoms as dogs with kennel cough – fever, lethargy, loss of appetite, coughing, and maybe a runny nose.

Poodle Bitch is relieved to know that, should she decide to worry about anything, she can stick with the H3N8 virus. For now, at least.

Poodle Bitch is Irritated by the Latest Episode of "Glee"

2009-11-21T07:57:00.000-08:00

"Glee" has become one of Poodle Bitch's favorite shows. Overall it is a well-written, well-acted, and well-sung look at human high school life that is surprisingly sensitive and complex. With some exceptions, of course. Poodle Bitch feels that they have yet to fully explain why Will Schuester would have married the venal, manipulative Terri in the first place (other than the fact that she bears a superficial resemblance to Jessalyn Gilsig, the actress who portrays her), while at the same time the writers seem to be trying too hard to "humanize" the entertainingly venal, manipulative Sue Sylvester.

However, for this week's episode, "Ballad," there was not a single moment that rang true. It felt as if Poodle Bitch were watching just another television show, in which some of the characters occasionally break into song. Awkwardly.

For starters, why would Mr. Schuester break everyone up into pairs to sing ballads to each other? Poodle Bitch is a close watcher of shows she likes, and she cannot for the life of her remember his justification for doing this. Moreover, why was it that Mr. Schuester felt the need to offer himself up as a "partner" to one of the students? There seemed no reason for him to not just say "We'll wait for Matt to return," or "We're going to have one group of three." He's the teacher, the authority figure-- this despite the fact that he is young, hip, and clearly portrayed by an actor who is only a few years older than the students.

But even accepting that he allowed himself to be selected as a partner by one of the students-- and Rachel, no less-- why would he allow her to bully him into performing "Endless Love" with her? He knew the song well enough to sing it, so he knew the lyrics before they started. It is one of the most effective expressions of over-ripe teenaged emotions ever put to music ("you will always be my endless love"); of course it was going to have a hypnotic effect on a teenaged girl whose hormones are aimlessly raging.

Poodle Bitch questions the judgment of a teacher who would sing this song with one of his students.

Mr. Schuester's decision to sing "Endless Love" with a student was especially moronic and irresponsible given his past experience with student crushes. As he explains to the delightful Emma Pillsbury later in the episode, he can't just tell Rachel to stop and leave him alone because the last time he did that with one of his students, she attempted suicide.

Poodle Bitch is not joking. But the writers were; for, in a flashback scene played for laughs, the brokenhearted object of Mr. Schuester's previous rejection, Suzy Pepper, attempts to kill herself by ingesting the world's hottest hot pepper (she'd ordered it from somewhere in South America, Poodle Bitch believes). Paramedics are barely able to save her in time, and she requires years of psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant.

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that the writers found this to be suitable comedy fodder. There is certainly a layer of darkness to some of the episodes, but she found this subplot to be bleak and insensitive.

However, for plot purposes it was necessary to explain why Mr. Schuester couldn't just tell Rachel to straight up "cut it out and leave me alone." He's worried about another attempted suicide. (Poodle Bitch would wryly note that, given the fact that Mr. Schuester married the abominable Terri, and has yet to realize, after several months of living together and sleeping in the same bed that she is not actually pregnant, there is perhaps little need to explain his lapses in judgment.) For this reason, Emma Pillsbury, who has her own crush on Mr. Schuester and, not surprisingly, her own decision-making problems, suggests that Mr. Schuester express his feelings in song. To let her down gently.

To that end, Mr. Schuester creates a mash-up of the songs "Young Girl" and "Don't Stand So Close to Me," altering the lyrics of each to make them even more combative and abrasive. Just so Poodle Bitch has this straight: Hearing the object of her crush sing to her, "Young girl, you're out of your mind, your love for me is way out of line," and "Don't stand- don't stand so- don't stand so close to me" is intended to be the sensitive way of letting her down. (As an aside, Poodle Bitch would like to note that any power contained in the song "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap rests in its idea that the narrator did not realize that the object of his affection was so young-- she's deliberately misrepresented to him her age-- and he is therefore struggling with his desire for her, which he now realizes on a rational level to be inappropriate. What Mr. Schuester did to the song, in addition to awkwardly "mashing" it into "Don't Stand," was to turn it into an angry diatribe that would belittle anyone with even a little self-awareness.)

Is this song creepy? Poodle Bitch would like to point out that the narrator is attempting to distance himself from the girl who led him to believe she was old enough to give him love. He isn't inviting her back to his hot tub for champagne and quaaludes.

Of course this terrific plan doesn't work. Rachel lacks the self-awareness necessary to see that Mr. Schuester was belittling her, and Emma Pillsbury, who was also there to watch his performance, sits in dazzled awe of his skills as a performer.

It's not until Suzy Pepper, who apparently has returned to the school following her therapy and transplant (Poodle Bitch is unaware of how human schools work, but she wonders why anyone, from the psychiatrists to the administrators to parents, would believe it a good idea that she return to the school where Mr. Schuester teaches) corners Rachel in the bathroom and admonishes her about the dangers of becoming too attached to Mr. Schuester that she comes to realize how poorly she's been acting.

For his behavior, Mr. Schuester is let off the hook.

Meanwhile, there is pregnant Quinn. She has yet to tell her parents that she's pregnant (although most of the school already knows and anyone with access to the internet and Jacob's gossip blog can find out), and is, in her first scene of the episode, trying on her gown for the "chastity ball" (good golly Miss Molly-- isn't the term "chastity ball" oxymoronic?), with her mother's help. Mother, mildly tipsy, notes that the gown doesn't fit as well as it did last month, and Quinn explains that she had a big lunch that day.

It is clear that Quinn's mother realizes her daughter is pregnant, but is in a state of, perhaps, alcoholic denial. And, of course, she is a Christian who is preparing her little girl to attend a "chastity ball."

Quinn's father staggers into the room declaring Glenn Beck is on television, drink in his hand (Poodle Bitch does not watch Glenn Beck, but she has just googled him and discovered that his program airs at 5 PM weekdays, which means Quinn's parents have started getting drunk before five o'clock. This seems early to Poodle Bitch.), offering words of pressure about his lovely, chaste daughter.

Poodle Bitch harbors no particular animus toward religious people, nor conservatives, nor those who watch conservative television programs. Nor does she have any particular affection for them. But she wonders why it is that the writers of this show, who have displayed real sensitivity toward, as an example, Kurt's father, should present Quinn's parents as little more than typical right-wing caricatures?

And speaking of Kurt, Poodle Bitch notes that he, too, became a cliche in this episode-- the sensitive gay man in love with the dumb jock he can never have, who nevertheless offers advice and encouragement to said dumb jock in his pursuit of the woman he kinda-sorta loves. Although in this case, Kurt's advice was universally bad. Of course, in the ballad pairings Kurt was paired with Finn, who believes he is the father of Quinn's child. He is upset because Quinn is planning on giving up the baby for adoption (to the execrable Terri Schuester), and so he won't get to be part of his daughter's life. Kurt suggests that he sing a ballad to his daughter-- his suggestion is The Pretenders's "I'll Stand by You," which is a song Poodle Bitch admires, but has been used so often in movies and television shows as to have become an obvious cliche. Why not select "My Baby," or "Kid," or "Hymn to Her" (Poodle Bitch's own personal favorite) instead?

There were plenty of Pretenders songs to choose.

But that doesn't compare to the monumentally bad advice Kurt gives Finn later in the episode. When he encourages Finn to serenade Quinn-- during a dinner with her parents-- with the song "You're Having My Baby."

"You're a woman in love and I love what's going through you." Poodle Bitch is happy she has been fixed.

Perhaps the high school student Kurt is too young to realize this, but Poodle Bitch's humans are certainly old enough to know that that particular song has been a punchline almost since it was recorded. Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps Cal Smith's "Country Bumpkin," or Terry Jacks's "Seasons in the Sun," or The Captain and Tennille's "Muskrat Love" will be sung in upcoming episodes?

And why did it take two verses for the parents to realize their daughter was pregnant? The very first line of that painful song is "You're having my baby." It doesn't get much more obvious than that.

The less Poodle Bitch says about the Glee Club's serenading Quinn and Finn with "Lean on Me," the better. But she would be remiss if she did not further add that Puck's admission to Mercedes that he is really the father of Quinn's child did little to advance her opinion of either character.

Over all, a very weak episode of what has been a very entertaining and uplifting show. Poodle Bitch is hopeful that next week's episode won't be quite so bad. Poodle Bitch is an optimist.

Glee cast photograph source.

RE: Owen Wilson as Marmaduke

2009-11-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

Poodle Bitch rarely reads comic strips. She prefers the humor of authors such illustrators as Roland Topor and Edward Gorey. She is not a snob, but she does readily admit to having refined taste. She also readily admits to having no idea what exactly about this is supposed to be funny:

That is today's, November 3's, installment of a daily newspaper comic strip called "Marmaduke." First of all, Poodle Bitch will suppress the urge to make a joke about newspapers being good for nothing more than picking up her dirt during walks. Plenty of people still read newspapers. But she has to wonder how much enjoyment they get from them, when comics such as the above appear in their pages. Poodle Bitch has studied this illustration for far too long already, and still she cannot see where the humor is supposed to be. Is the humor solely to be found in the fact that the dog is so monstrously larger than the human girl? Is it somehow contained in the dog's mannerism, with the right forepaw pressed to his forehead? Is it in the caption-- is the little girl being ironic? Is the dog?

Poodle Bitch cannot understand.

Nor can she understand why it is that such a comic strip might inspire a feature film.

[I]t’s being reported that Owen Wilson has signed on the dotted line to voice the role of Marmaduke, a giant clumsy CGI dog based on the 1954 comic strip of the same name. ... The plans for a Marmaduke movie have apparently been around for a while now as it has a cast of known names that will surely regret ever agreeing to appear in it down the road. The names include William H. Macy, Judy Greer, and Lee Pace as live-action characters, while Steve Coogan, Emma Stone, Damon Wayans, George Lopez, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Marlon Wayans, and Fergie will all voice CG characters.

Poodle Bitch has only read a few "Marmaduke" comic strips, while composing this blog entry, but one thing she has noticed about every one that she has seen is that the dog does not "speak." She is unsure therefore as to why anyone would bother to create a film based on a comic strip and then change something so fundamental about it. There are plenty of comic strips in which animals "speak." No, Poodle Bitch cannot name any of them, because she does not read comic strips. But she knows at least one human who does with alarming regularity. So she knows a little something about this. But she wonders why it is that the filmmakers don't just purchase the rights to one of these other talking animal comics.

Then again, she wonders why filmmakers don't create original material themselves.

And why is Owen Wilson, a talented and charming performer whose work Poodle Bitch has admired in the past, making yet another cute dog movie? Poodle Bitch reminds the reader that Mr. Wilson recently appeared in the execrable "Marley & Me," in which an obnoxious Labrador seems to take forever to die. (Poodle Bitch did not offer a spoiler alert warning because "Marley & Me" is so rotten that it cannot be spoiled.) The film made light of canine mental illness and neurosis to the point of being offensive. It also manipulated the viewer in the most casually cynical way.

But at least "Marley & Me" starred real dog actors. Poodle Bitch notes that "Marmaduke" will feature CGI, or "computer generated imagery" dog characters. Poodle Bitch wonders about the future for animal performers. Soon they will all be out of work; CGI dogs don't need to be paid scale, don't need to be fed, and don't need to be picked up after.

They also don't turn up their noses at material based on manipulative, treacly books and unfunny comic strips.

Exasperating Nonsense from Massachusetts

2009-11-03T19:07:00.000-08:00

Massachusetts is the state which, as Poodle Bitch recalls, wanted to increase its animal companion licensing fees by $3.00. At the time, Poodle Bitch wondered about the soundness of demanding more money from responsible animal companions during what is being called an economic downturn-- but now, Poodle Bitch has the disturbing answer as to what it is that animal control authorities in that great state do with their money.

In one case, they steal animal companions and present them as gifts to police officers' girlfriends.

It was not until [Janet] Torren threatened to call police last month that she learned the Stoughton official in charge of finding stray dogs had given away her “little princess,’’ a 4-year-old Yorkshire terrier that Torren calls Shai.

The story is almost too exasperating for Poodle Bitch to relate. Apparently, young Shai slipped out through a back gate at the home of Ms. Torren's son. Shai was then taken to "the pound," where she was then presented to a police officer's girlfriend by the head of animal control, a reprehensible creature called Kristin Bousquet.

But Torren did not learn for 12 days that the dog had been brought to the pound and she spent nearly every one of those days knocking on doors and making phone calls in search of her beloved pet. She called the Stoughton pound many times, but was told they did not have her dog.

“I was frantic,’’ she said. “Our children are grown, and Shai is a baby to us; we treat her as our little princess. She’s a family member. She’s absolutely loving.’’

Shai had an identifying microchip implanted behind one of her ears, and Torren called one microchip company, thinking they would know if it had been scanned by a pound or a veterinarian. They had not received any reports. On Oct. 1, Torren called another company and learned the microchip had been scanned, by the town pound in Stoughton, on the day the dog was lost.

So, once again, Torren called Kristin Bousquet, the town’s animal control officer. There was no answer. After Torren left a message threatening to call police, Bousquet called back and tried to suggest someone else at the pound or the local rescue league may have scanned Shai’s microchip, even though Torren said the company told her that Bousquet had registered Shai.

Finally, Ms. Torren contacted the chief of police, who was able to locate the dog. Shai and Ms. Torren were reunited-- a happy ending to a story that Poodle Bitch finds very disturbing. Except. There is something within the article that causes Poodle Bitch to be still unsettled.

After Bousquet said the dog was about to be taken to Florida, Torren gave her a half hour to return her dog. Then Torren met with Chief Thomas Murphy of the Stoughton Police Department. They chatted in his office for a few minutes, and he walked out and came back carrying Shai.

“It was a huge relief,’’ she said. “It was like this whole, horrible story was over.’’

After a brief investigation, Murphy found that Bousquet had given the dog to a police officer’s girlfriend, who was planning to move to Florida with Shai. He found that the dog was well fed and in good condition. The officer and his girlfriend, neither of whom Murphy identified, did not know that the dog had been missing, Murphy said.

Perhaps it's just that the article is inartfully written, but Poodle Bitch wonders what the police chief did while he was out of the office? Did he know which of his officers' girlfriends had been given the dog? Where did he get the dog he was carrying when he returned to his office? And, perhaps most important, Poodle Bitch wonders why Ms. Torren, who was likely so overcome with relief that she was not thinking straight, should trust anything that any city officials tell her regarding her animal companion?

Poodle Bitch has been very lucky. She has, for the most part, encountered humans who have treated her with respect and decency. She has always felt relatively safe with her humans, and is of a sufficiently contrary nature that very few humans would want to spirit her away from her regular human companions. But she understands that this is a constant source of anxiety for many dogs; they worry over their treatment by humans, for they are essentially at the mercy of humans.

Poodle Bitch suspects that Shai will be a long time recovering from this sense of abandonment she felt when she was taken from Ms. Torren. And for that, Ms. Torren should do something.

Alas:

Torren has decided not to press charges against Bousquet.

Again, Poodle Bitch believes Ms. Torren is allowing her relief to cloud her judgment. The reprehensible Kristin Bousquet scanned Shai's chip at the pound, gave Shai to someone else, and then repeatedly and over the course of 12 days lied about the fact, knowingly preventing Ms. Torren and Shai being reunited. Poodle Bitch believes there's a fine line between being polite and being a sap. It doesn't matter that the town manager fired the reprehensible Kristin Bousquet from her job in animal control. Of course she should have lost her job. But this human exhibited a pattern of deviousness that merited punishment beyond that.

The reprehensible Kristin Bousquet was drawing a salary that was paid for with taxpayer money. If Poodle Bitch were a resident of Massachusetts, she would compose a harshly-worded letter to Ms. Torren, telling her to press charges, if only for the other taxpayers.

Some Dogs are Annoying Drunks; But Giving Alcohol to a Pup Dog is Always Wrong

2009-10-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has rarely imbibed. She has little taste for alcoholic beverages, and tends to dislike the tingling sensation she encounters when she has more than a few sips. To her, most liquor smells of cleaning fluids; and Poodle Bitch does not wish to drink cleaning fluids. It's for this reason that Poodle Bitch is often conscripted into the job of "designated driver."

That said, she has known dogs that have enjoyed the flavor of alcohol, and who enjoy the festive sensations inspired by being in their cups. Poodle Bitch has no problem with this-- she believes that life is short enough, and cares not to judge how others spend their free time.

Of course, Poodle Bitch does not care to be around certain types of drunks. Labradors, that most obnoxious of breeds, tend to be particularly loud and boisterous when they've drunk too much. Malteses's voices become even higher-pitched and more irritating, and they tend to cry about past wrongs-- former romantic partners who have left them, for instance. Beagles tend to become restive, and angry at the slightest provocation; especially if they believe they are being made fun of. Pugs almost inevitably start wheezing on and on about politics, and anyone who disagrees with them is simply asking to be bitten.

Poodle Bitch's musings on the behaviors of certain types of drunks was inspired by the story of a man in a place called "Iowa City," who has been charged with providing alcohol to an underage dog:

While the owner was away, [Jared Levi] Colony poured UV brand flavored vodka into [4 month-old Puggle puppy] Pip’s bowl and encouraged the dog to drink it, police said.

When the dog’s owner returned to the residence, Pip was unresponsive, his tongue was hanging out and the dog was barely breathing. Police said Colony told the owner, “Pip’s just a little drunk right now.”

Poodle Bitch notes that, because the pup in question was a "puggle," and therefore contained aspects of both the pug and beagle breeds, the pup most likely required little encouragement. The beagle parts of Pip are unsophisticated and boorish. The pug parts of course are, well, more coarse.

Poodle Bitch has not met a puggle, and has never seen one drunk. She wonders if the dog would obnoxiously expound on tiresome political matters, or would become belligerent over some perceived slight against his "honor."

But of course this is a moot point anyway, since the dog in question was merely a pup. No pup dogs, not even beagles or pugs, should be drinking. Their bodies are too small and undeveloped to handle it.

Police said Pip received critical care for nearly two days at Bright Eyes and Bushy Tails veterinary hospital and barely survived alcohol poisoning.

Poodle Bitch has led a relatively charmed life, compared to the fates that befall many dogs. She has never had occasion to see a drunken pup dog; nor would she care to. She has to wonder at the mentality of the human who would give alcohol to an underage dog.

Once a dog gets to be two or three years old, she is capable of making her own choices about whether to drink or not. Until that time, she must rely on a sensible human to use proper judgment about what to feed her. Apparently, that is a scary prospect.

RE: Human-Dog Mouth-to-Mouth

2009-10-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

The AP has another misleadingly headlined article: "Pet owners willing to go mouth-to-muzzle."

A careful reading of the article (and, if Poodle Bitch can be so bold, "careful" is the only way Poodle Bitch reads anything), reveals that a perhaps more accurate title might have been "Some Pet Owners willing to go mouth-to-mouth." For, as the second paragraph states,

Fifty-eight percent of pet owners — 63 percent of dog owners and 53 percent of cat owners — would be at least somewhat likely to perform CPR on their pet in the event of a medical emergency, according to an Associated Press-Petside.com poll.

Poodle Bitch finds it appalling that a full 42% of "pet owners" would not even be at least "somewhat likely" to perform a basic life-saving action on their "property." Poodle Bitch wonders about that 42%. If their beloved animal were seen choking to death, would he stand over his charge and cackle? Would he say, "Well, it was nice knowing you"? Would he at least fret, as young Fido's (which is a derivative of the word "fidelity," Poodle Bitch notes) life force ebbed from his body?

Poodle Bitch is immeasurably appalled by this idea. Even if you see yourself as an "owner" of a pet, would you not do everything you could to protect your property? Poodle Bitch wonders what is the percentage of people who would attempt to prevent their Wiis or Playstations from choking to death?

Poodle Bitch has already written of the casual cruelty of which pet "owners" are capable; nonetheless, she is surprised that they are capable of such depravity. Not only that-- the headline and story are composed in such a way as to suggest that humans should be proud of the fact that 42% of pet companions would allow their animals to die a slow and agonizing choking death, without even attempting to revive them. The first paragraph is comically slanted:

Most pet owners would leap into action for an injured pet, even if it meant risking dog breath by going mouth-to-snout.

How wonderful that a bare majority of pet "owners" would risk "dog breath" in attempting to stop their pet dying! Poodle Bitch is barely touched. She believes the article could have delved into the motivations, or lack thereof, of the 42% who would allow their animal companion to die without attempting to help him.

Of course, the article does not do this. The article, Poodle Bitch notes with weary unsurprise, is strictly ho-hum.

The reader is introduced to a few "pet owners" who take their animal companions seriously, and is then admonished to have disaster plans in case of fire or earthquake. Directing "pet owners" to a website that offers instruction on animal-specific CPR-- or that tells "pet owners" where they can find classes in the subject-- might have been a good start.

Instead, the article merely congratulates humans on the fact that most of their species would be willing to at least try to prevent their animal companion dying horribly. Poodle Bitch wonders at just how far the bar that measures compassion has been lowered.

Somehow, and Against Her Better Judgment, Poodle Bitch Has Fallen Under the Spell of John and Edward

2009-10-19T18:02:00.001-07:00

Poodle Bitch is both appalled and fascinated by the antics of "X Factor" contestants John and Edward. There is something about their enthusiasm that almost makes up for their lack of talent. And Poodle Bitch has to admit that she has a high tolerance for true, earnest kitsch. It is both tragic and hilarious-- and more than a little inspiring.

The above clip shows their take on the only Britney Spears song that Poodle Bitch is able to tolerate. Poodle Bitch notes that it is not nearly so good as Richard Thompson's version, but it is still quite exquisite. Exquisite as a painting of a crying clown. Drinking Old Crow.

It is making the rounds now because Simon Cowell called it the worst performance he'd seen on "X Factor." Poodle Bitch doesn't see how this could be. She notes that their Britney Spears-inspired performance (complete with shiny PVC outfits and "Titanic" reference) is not nearly so tragically bizarre as their evisceration of Robbie Williams' "Rock DJ":

Not to be cruel, but Poodle Bitch did not realize it was possible to ruin a Robbie Williams song. Yet Poodle Bitch finds it more than a little unsettling to hear a pair of androgynous halflings of indeterminate age singing,

"Gonna stick it in the goal
It's time to move your body."

Poodle Bitch notes that Danii Minogue spends more time talking about the twins' food-stealing antics than the performance itself. "Not the best vocals," she declares. "But I love the way you entered." Cheryl Cole tells them she admires their perseverance in the face of criticism. She then says, wonderfully, "It's not your fault you're in the final twelve."

Chin up, boys!

Simon Cowell further twists the knife by complimenting their "thick skins." He then tests said "thick skins" by telling them their performance was "a musical nightmare."

The judge who seems most enamored of them, Louis Walsh, then offers his own encouragement: "Not all the pop stars on the charts are great singers."

Poodle Bitch concurs.

Not great singers. But they make a good entrance.

Photograph source.

Poodle Bitch Has Almost Given Up on Project Runway

2009-10-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch had high hopes for "Project Runway" this season. She has always been a fan of the show, ever since she was an adorable puppy during the first season. She saw it as that rare televised reality competition where merit was rewarded. Where skill was treated with respect.

To be sure, there were designers who advanced in the program who did not deserve to do so. But always, the show managed to keep around those top skilled designers who were most deserving.

This season, however, the program seems to have gone off the rails, almost from the very first episode. There is no way, for instance, that Ari should have been sent home before Mitchell. In fact, Mitchell should have been sent home in each of the first three episodes. The fact that Poodle Bitch actually felt relief when Mitchell did not make it into the fourth episode says much about the judging this season. It has been eccentric. Poodle Bitch does not feel that there is any way that Louise, but most of all Epperson, or Shirin, should have been sent home this early. Not when Christopher, Logan, Gordana, and Althea remain.

Christopher designed something shoddy, and constructed it badly. Saying he should have gone home this week is slightly unfair; he should have gone home long before this.

The poodle companion Irina Shabayeva is so clearly ahead of everyone else that Poodle Bitch has begun to worry she will be sent home next. The only mitigating factor is that Poodle Bitch notes in the teaser for next week's episode, the program will be cut to show that Irina is to be this season's "Kenley."

Yes, in the most recent episode, Irina was called a "b*tch" by Nicholas-- who admitted Irina was a good designer. Poodle Bitch knows that Nicholas intended "the b-word" as an insult, but of course Poodle Bitch does not see it that way. Based on the teaser for next week, Irina will be the "villain" for the duration of her stay. This is rather unfortunate, but it is a television competition. The viewers, Poodle Bitch included, understand the producers can manipulate their days' worth of footage however they want to create a single episode.

Which leads to Poodle Bitch's main problem with the show this year. The producers-- who, according to the program's disclaimer, have a hand in judging decisions-- have been far too visible an influence on the judges. Clearly, Mitchell was kept around for dramatic purposes. Logan was kept last week, while Epperson sent home, to protect the "distracting" dynamic between him and Carol Hannah. Shirin was sent home this week to maintain gender equality. There is no other explanation.

True to form, Logan presented an outfit designed with seemingly no one in mind (no one real, anyway), and stitched it together as if he were lacking opposable thumbs. But the woodland sprite girl Carol Hannah finds him "distracting," so he must be kept on the show.

That said, Poodle Bitch has been utterly mystified by Althea's continued presence. She has done nothing of interest, and has indeed created a couple of quite egregious outfits. Moreover, the producers have found very little footage of her to use the last couple of weeks. One would be forgiven for thinking Althea had already been sent home.

Poodle Bitch is happy to note that she is not the only one to notice the problems with this season. The ratings have taken a serious tumble since the first episode's high.

One factor is that "Runway" has run headfirst into the start of the broadcast fall season, whereas its final Bravo round aired during the summer. Still, "Runway" usually climbs as the finale draws closer no matter what time of year it airs.

Poodle Bitch believes an even more important explanation for the show's continued decline in fortunes is that it has lost sight of what it was. A competition based mostly upon merit. Yes, one or two instigators would get judged less harshly, but the producers' manipulations were always more subtle than they've been this year. The fan base for this show does not come to it for "Flavor of Love" style dramatics. We want to see fantastic garments created by talented designers. Especially this late in the competition. Keeping Mitchell for three episodes was our first sign, but we could only suspect. Sending home Epperson and then Shirin two weeks in a row made it obvious. The producers were trying to make "Project Runway" a different program. Perhaps this was because of the move to Lifetime, or the move to Los Angeles, but whatever the reason, they are losing viewers who are unlikely to return.

As a viewer, it is difficult to take the show seriously anymore. Clearly the producers and judges do not.

Clearly not Shirin's finest moment (and to be fair to her, she was not helped by her sourpuss model), but this rather eclectic look was miles ahead of both Christopher and Logan.

Designs photographs source.

The Sexualization of Dogs Continues

2009-10-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

The proverbial ink is not yet dry on Poodle Bitch's most recent lamentation of the sexualization of puppies, and already she has seen something else to cause her further consternation.

"Matching sexy dog costumes for humans and pets."

Poodle Bitch knows of no dogs who want to wear bustiers. That is a uniquely human desire. When it is cold, and a small dog is forced to leave the dwelling in order to "go potty," or if there is a problem with the furnace, then a sweater or other tasteful garment is very much to be appreciated.

This is not tasteful. Poodle Bitch notes the expressions on the faces of the dogs- they betray feelings of confusion mingled with irritation. Clearly, these are dogs that are not in the height of the sexual tickle.

These are dogs being forced by their human companions to partake of fetishes they do not share. These are dogs being treated as props.

Poodle Bitch would like to suggest these humans get a purse. At least then they would have something in which to tote their multiple packages of condoms and lubricants.

Poodle Bitch Wonders if Jessica Simpson's Maltipoo, Daisy, Committed Suicide

2009-10-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has already written of her lack of sympathy for Jessica Simpson. It is with Ms. Simpson's now lost Maltipoo Daisy that her sympathies lie. And yet, Poodle Bitch cannot help but note that Ms. Simpson is still attempting to solicit sympathy over the loss of the Maltipoo she used as an accessory:

"Daisy meant the world to me," the star, 29, told Usmagazine.com at the FFANY Shoes on Sale QVC event in NYC Tuesday. "I hold her memory very, very close. It was an unfortunate thing what happened. That I don't have her every day... It's a very hard thing to talk about."

Yes, Ms. Simpson is having such a difficult time of it that she could barely muster the inner courage to attend the "FFANY Shoes on Sale QVC event in NYC." Poodle Bitch wonders, with no small amount of irony, just how it is that Ms. Simpson is able to continue.

Poodle Bitch has been curious about Ms. Simpson ever since her Maltipoo disappeared so mysteriously. Supposedly, the poor creature was carried off by a coyote. To be honest, Poodle Bitch was wondering if it was possible that someone so fame-obsessed might have done away with the Maltipoo herself, in order to get attention.

Poodle Bitch fancies herself the less fussy, poodle version of the television detective Monk.

However, after doing a bit of online research, Poodle Bitch has come to a quite different conclusion: The Maltipoo Daisy might have committed suicide, running headlong into the gaping maw of the coyote rather than have to spend another day as Ms. Simpson's security blanket:

"She won't leave her parents' house," a source says. "Whenever things went wrong, she reached for Daisy. Daisy was her security blanket."
...
"Jessica has a very small inner circle," the friend said. "But she always had Daisy. Daisy gave her the unconditional love she needed."
...
Whenever she was out at night, Jessica Simpson called home and had "someone put Daisy on the phone so she could say goodnight."
...
When Jessica Simpson was having relationship problems, the friend said "she would cry herself to sleep at night, using Daisy as a pillow."
...
Daisy filled a void because "Jessica is very needy. She is very clingy. She is so sweet, but sometimes she's hard to be around."

"It's not always easy. She hates to be alone. That's what happened with Tony. Jessica smothers people. She doesn't really have hobbies."

Clearly, Daisy the Maltipoo was under a great deal of stress. Poodle Bitch has no doubt that the poodle half of Daisy had little patience with such "clinginess." She has no idea how the maltese half of Daisy felt about the situation. Poodle Bitch cannot imagine the unmitigated hell with which Daisy had to deal, as part of the Simpson household, being used a snot rag whenever Ms. Simpson's heart was broken over one of her ongoing romantic or professional disappointments.

Poodle Bitch shudders- and would not blame a Maltipoo for wanting to end it all. In such case, Poodle Bitch finds Ms. Simpson's insistence that Daisy would want her to get another dog to be especially touching:

Simpson still is unsure if she will get a new dog.

"I haven't really thought about another dog yet, but maybe sometime," she told Us. "[Daisy] would want that."

Indeed, Daisy would have wanted that. She would have wanted Ms. Simpson to have gotten another dog a long time before.

This poor puppy never had a chance-- did she eventually decide to take her chances with a coyote rather than spend another minute as Jessica Simpson's snot rag?

Photograph source.

Project Runway 6 Episode 8: Why, Judges-- Why?

2009-10-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

Before Poodle Bitch gets started with this week’s episode, she feels compelled to mention three Project Runway-related stories that caught her eye this week. First on her list is the announcement that there will be a Project Runway video game on Nintendo Wii. Not having opposable thumbs, Poodle Bitch derives little pleasure from the playing of video games, so she does not. But she knows that there are some games that come equipped with prop machines, such as the ever-popular “Rock Band,” so perhaps the new Project Runway game will come equipped with a button-filled “sewing machine” attachment. She cannot see how a video game would be of interest otherwise, as much as she enjoys the show.

She is not old enough to remember “Fashion Plates,” the toys from the 1980s that allowed users to “design” outfits by placing tiles in a random order, and then placing a paper over said tiles, then rubbing them with a piece of- actually, Poodle Bitch does not know what it was that one rubbed over the tiles. But she wonders why it is that some enterprising company doesn’t bring out a Project Runway Fashion Plates edition. She imagines that there would be much more interest in that than a video game. The PR audience most likely remembers Fashion Plates; how many of them play video games?

The second story had to do with former Project Runway guest judge Lindsay Lohan, who made her debut as an artistic advisor for Emanuel Ungaro, with predictable results.

Poodle Bitch has to admit that the entire show, which can be seen here, is not the complete train-wreck that she thought it would be; the designs presented there were like middling Project Runway creations-- the types of garments that might land a contestant in the bottom three during the first few episodes, but not get her eliminated. Poodle Bitch doubts that is what the Ungaro collection aspired to.

One of the Ungaro designs on which Lindsay Lohan "advised." Poodle Bitch is not surprised.

The third story is the most sinister, and it has caused Poodle Bitch to wonder if she would ever again watch Project Runway. Recently, fugitive Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland on an outstanding warrant issued when he left America just before he was to be sentenced for his guilty plea, in a case in which he admitted to having physical relations with someone not very much older (chronologically) than Poodle Bitch is now. After his arrest, Project Runway producer Harvey Weinstein began circulating a petition for Mr. Polanski’s release.

Poodle Bitch believes Mr. Polanski should be in jail. Mr. Polanski is an admitted attacker of human children, and should be punished. But she understands there are some who believe that somehow Mr. Polanski was victimized by an unjust court system, and an overzealous prosecutor and judge. Fine. Poodle Bitch can agree to disagree on that; she is not a lawyer.

However, rather than leave the matter at that, Mr. Weinstein then went on to say-- when challenged by others who do know something about the American legal system-- that people in Hollywood, such as himself, have a unique insight into the unfairness or fairness of Mr. Polanski’s situation, because they have “the best moral compass:”

"Hollywood has the best moral compass, because it has compassion," Weinstein said. "We were the people who did the fundraising telethon for the victims of 9/11. We were there for the victims of Katrina and any world catastrophe."

Poodle Bitch has spent some time in Hollywood, and has known many people in and around the entertainment industry. She can tell you that, based on the way they treat their assistants, makeup and hair people, boom operators, marketing people, craft services, and etc, their “compassion” does not always extend to those with whom they directly come into contact. In fact, they are capable of a great deal of cruelty toward those they consider "underlings". Moreover, Poodle Bitch knows plenty of people outside of entertainment who gave a great deal of their time and money for victims of the attacks of September 11, 2001, Hurricane Katrina, and the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami. And for them, their compassion required more than just the rearrangement of the schedule so that they could sit for hair and makeup, and appear on a television program exhibiting just how "compassionate" they were.

To Poodle Bitch, Mr. Weinstein’s comment about Hollywood’s “moral compass” had the feel someone who has admitted he might have made a mistake in his initial assessment of a situation, yet is too proud to back away from it, and insists on doubling down rather than admit he might be wrong. She has never met Mr. Weinstein, so she of course has no way of knowing exactly in which direction his “moral compass” points, but she does know that attacking a small child has earned for those less famous life-damaging punishment.

She wonders, where is Mr. Weinstein’s compassion for those people- especially in light of revelations in Mr. Polanski’s own autobiography that he engaged in at the very least "questionable” behavior with very young women- some might even say girls- on other occasions.

Poodle Bitch decided that, despite her misgivings over Mr. Weinstein’s participation, she would watch, for the sake of the poodle companion Irina. She cannot resist- she must see how Irina does with the competition. Early in the episode, she interviews that she understands that there are some who are worried about her, as she has already won two challenges, while many of them have won nothing.

Yes, the other contestants should be worried by the talent and taste of the poodle companion Irina, who has shown with each week that she is one of the top designers.

And Logan interviews that “Irina seems to have this more sophisticated taste that’s been appealing to the judges.” To which Poodle Bitch would reply, in a word that even Logan can understand, “Duh.” She would also add that poodle companions are known for their sophisticated taste. Otherwise, why would a poodle associate with them?

For this week’s challenge, the designers had to create new garments out of divorcee’s wedding dresses. They had their pick from among nine women who had been divorced or in the process of getting divorced for a period of months or several years (more than ten, in a couple of cases). Irina, having won the last challenge- and rightly so- had first pick, and chose the woman whose dress had the most lace.

Shirin, who chose last, had no real choice at all, and was stuck with a simple white 100% polyester dress that yielded very little material for her to work with. Moreover, her “client” wanted something like a Cher “Half-Breed” costume. Shirin, who is Poodle Bitch’s second choice, has better taste than that.

Shirin's "client" wanted something like this. WANTED something like this. Happily, Shirin has taste.

That said, Shrin spent so much of the episode crying, whining, and complaining about it that Poodle Bitch was sure she would either win or be sent home. “It’s hard to show design when you don’t have any fabric.”

Then Gordana, who last week had the benefit of working with Irina on the team challenge, spent a good deal of time crying and recalling her own divorce, and wiped away tears with dye-stained hands as she left a phone message for her children.

Christopher’s design “worries” Mr. Gunn. Christopher attempts to reassure him, but Mr. Gunn remains skeptical.

Mr. Gunn, having fine taste, loves what Irina is doing. “How did you get this gorgeous color?” he asks her. “I think what you’re doing is very exciting. Keep going.”

He is no fool, and Poodle Bitch heartily agrees with his assessment.

Nicolas showed contempt for his "client's" taste, and it showed in this reckless monstrosity of ugly pants topped by a doily.

Mr. Gunn wonders about Epperson’s design. The core of the garment has to be the wedding dress. Ominously, he adds, “You have a lot of decisions to make.” And Epperson’s decision is to totally scrap what he’s been doing and create an entirely new garment. Perhaps, he wonders, he misunderstood the challenge.

Logan says that his “look” is “sort of a play on a tuxedo feel,” with a mumbly voice and little conviction. “This worries me,” Mr. Gunn says, as ominously as he’d said to Epperson. For some reason, Logan is making pants out of wool, or something- something that is not material from the wedding dress, which had a surprisingly long train.

Poodle Bitch wonders what a designer of real skill and talent, such as the put-upon Shirin, might have done with it.

Logan designs ugly clothes, then constructs them poorly. He is a double threat.

Gordana’s work gets a “beautiful” out of Mr. Gunn, and Poodle Bitch has to agree with him. “I want you to keep saying to yourself ‘I’m going to win, I’m going to win,’” he tells her. Poodle Bitch would not go that far, not with Irina in the room, but she appreciates that Mr. Gunn is attempting to inspire Gordana.

But Gordana got to work with Irina last week- shouldn’t that be inspiration enough?

Mr. Gunn offers Shirin a shoulder on which to cry. As she explains what her divorcee wants, the other designers laugh at her. “What?” Mr. Gunn asks, incredulous at the thought of someone wanting to look like Cher’s “Half-Breed” in 2009. “She’s not at risk of going home,” Mr. Gunn tells her. He adds that she should remove the textiles she’s placed on the mannequin and “just play, like it’s a big giant paper doll.”

Or, a Fashion Plate?

Althea's silly blue dress was not the worst this week. Poodle Bitch believes it was a bad week.

Mr. Gunn is not shown speaking to the talentless Althea, the annoying and casually cruel Nicolas (who says that he hates his garment, then tells his “client” that is is “so you”), or the woodland sprite Carol Hannah (who says that she makes her living creating wedding dresses, and so tearing them up to create something else is akin to running into a church and shouting an obsenity). Poodle Bitch does not feel she’s missing much.

Carol Hannah eschewed Woodland Sprite for Flapper Knockoff. Far from Poodle Bitch's least favorite, yet equally far from Poodle Bitch's most favorite.

Michael Kors is still back, but Nina Garcia is nowhere to be found. In her place is a Marie Claire editor, Zanna Roberts, and the president of Jimmy Choo and a board member of Halston, Tamara Mellon. This is off-topic, but upon hearing that Ms. Mellon was a board member of Halston, Poodle Bitch was unable to get the Billy Joel song “Big Shot” out of her head.

There are worse songs to get stuck in one’s head, she supposes. Cher’s “Halfbreed,” for instance.

Given the trauma induced by the lack of material-- and said material being 100% polyester and therefore, according to Shirin undye-able, Poodle Bitch believes that Shirin at least deserved second place after Irina.

Irina’s garment is first down the runway, and that is fitting, because it is Poodle Bitch’s favorite. Next is Shirin, which is again appropriate, since it would have been Poodle Bitch’s second choice. Then comes Logan’s matronly top and wool pants. Poodle Bitch does not wish to be cruel, but these garments have the look of something designed and executed by an incompetent dullard- which is what they are. She feels bad for the “client.” Next is Carol Hannah’s flapper update- Poodle Bitch feels she is flashing back to Gordana’s dress of two weeks ago, updated just slightly enough to keep Carol Hannah out of the bottom three. Althea’s design is a silly light blue dress with dark blue bosoms. She claims that “seeing my dress come down the runway made me feel good,” which should get her disqualified on the spot. At least it is not “stripper chic” such as she sent down the runway last week. Nicolas shows enough self-awareness to claim that his granola-inspired pants and doily shrug top was “a hideous thing,” and Poodle Bitch finds herself liking him in spite of herself. Next is Gordana’s dress, and Poodle Bitch very much likes this one, too. It is both well-made and edgy. Then, Christopher sends down his “client” in a trashbag cinched at the waist. It makes Poodle Bitch feel terrible to look at. Finally, Epperson sends down his voluminous pirate dress.

Gordana's dress is declared the winning design. Poodle Bitch agrees it belonged in the top three- but to win? Over Irina and Shirin?

Gordana is declared the winner, and Poodle Bitch cannot get too upset over that. Irina and Shirin also make the top three, which is a rare moment of good taste from the judges.

Christopher sent his "client" down the runway in a trashbag. This was terrible, but it was not the worst garment this week.

The bottom three are Epperson, Christopher, and Logan. The judges had too many choices for the bottom- in fact, Gordana, Irina, and Shirin had the only garments that Poodle Bitch would consider “good.” The bottom two should have been Christopher and Logan, with Logan, whose work and attitude make Poodle Bitch wonder if he is not mentally challenged, going home.

Instead, the bottom two are Logan and Epperson, and Epperson is the one who gets the boot. Poodle Bitch wonders if Logan is too good-looking to send home this early in the competition. That is the only reason that she can see for sending home Epperson. She truly has no interest in seeing what Logan comes up with in the future.

Poodle Bitch invites the reader to decide- Was this truly the worst design of the week? Or was Epperson cast aside because he handled himself with too much aplomb, and not enough "sex appeal"?

Fashion Plates photograph source.
Project Runway designs photographs source.
Cher Half-Breed photograph source.

Daily Kibble "Muttisse" Pet Bed Giveaway

2009-10-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

The Daily Kibble email newsletter and website is holding a drawing for something called a "Muttise" Pet Bed.

The Smucci Muttisse Pet Bed features a handpainted design inspired by Henri Matisse’s “Woman Sleeping on a Corner of the Table in 1939.” The woman in the painting (and on the bed) appears as if she has fallen asleep suddenly, perhaps during the middle of her day. There is a slight smile on her face which suggests she did not fall asleep from exhaustion or stress, but rather intended to merely take a “cat nap.”

Poodle Bitch is unsure if the cutism "Muttisse" is clever or sickening. But she cannot argue with the idea of a bed inspired by fine, capital-A Art. Unfortunately, the photograph accompanying the press release reveals little in the way of detail:

It is so small as to cause Poodle Bitch eyestrain. She went to the smucci website and learned,

Each Smucci Matisse Bed is created one at a time, and no two beds are exactly alike. Variations will occur which contribute to the intrinsic beauty and overall feel of this exquisite masterpiece for your pet!

Poodle Bitch further likes the idea of said capital-A Art inspired bed being a one-of-a-kind creation (Poodle Bitch considers herself a one-of-a-kind), but she again can't help but wish there were larger photos available.

Interestingly, when Poodle Bitch did a google search for "Woman Sleeping on a Corner of the Table in 1939," the only references she found were to this giveaway. She could not find any pictures of the Matisse work that inspired the beds, nor could she find any reference to any works by that title.

Now, Poodle Bitch is even more curious.

"Boomer May be a Buster"!

2009-10-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has noticed that a dog in North Dakota-- a plains state-- is vying for the attention of The Guinness Book of World Records. The ever-vigilant Associated Press is on the case:

Boomer may be a buster: Measuring 3 feet tall at the shoulders and 7 feet long from nose to destructive wagging tail, his owner thinks she may have the world's tallest living dog.

Caryn Weber says her 3-year-old Landseer Newfoundland keeps all four paws on the floor when he drinks from the kitchen faucet in her family's farm house in eastern North Dakota.

Poodle Bitch has not met very many Landseer Newfoundlands, so she naturally decided a little research was in order. What she discovered appalled her. First, regarding the breed's "temperament":

The Landseer is a dog with an outstanding temperament, good, courageous, generous and intelligent. It is also a patient dog, mild with guests, and obsequious with its master. He is noble, calm, gentle, loyal and trustworthy with a sweet temperament.

Poodle Bitch has always thought that the words "obsequious" and "noble" were antonyms. How can one breed dogify both terms? And why should one breed want to?

But that is a minor, some might say purely semantic, argument. What truly disturbed Poodle Bitch was information on the breed's height and weight:

Height: Dogs 28 ½ -31 ½ inches (72-80 cm.) Bitches 26 ½-28 ½ inches (67-72 cm.)
Weight: Dogs 130-150 pounds (59-68 kg) Bitches 100-120 pounds (45-54kg)

According to a caption of one of the two photos accompanying the AP story,

The dog [Boomer] measures seven feet from nose to tail. stands 36 inches tall at the shoulders, measures 7 feet from nose to tail, and weighs 180 pounds.

This means that Boomer is 4 1/2 inches taller than the average expected height, but a full 30 pounds heavier than the average expected weight. Poodle Bitch returns to the breed information, to a section called "Health Problems":

Prone to hip dysplasia. Do not let a Landseer get fat. Also prone to a hereditary heart disease called sub-aortic stenosis (SAS). Breeders should have puppy's hearts checked by a veterinary cardiologist at 8-12 weeks of age. Adult Newfies should be cleared of SAS again before breeding.

Poodle Bitch wonders if Boomer isn't dangerously overweight-- and therefore his "record" size is not something to be celebrated. She further wonders if the reason Boomer "keeps all four paws on the floor when he drinks from the kitchen faucet" (as noted so approvingly in the story's second paragraph) is because the poor creature is physically incapable of jumping up?

Weber plans to send Boomer's measurements to Guinness World Records. The previous record holder was a nearly 4-foot-tall Great Dane that died this summer.

The body of the gargantuan Great Dane is still warm, Poodle Bitch notes with some distaste. She also notes that this summer another record-holding dog, Chanel, the so-called "World's Oldest Dog," passed away this summer.

(Were Poodle Bitch of a conspiratorial bent, she might wonder if record-holding dogs were being targeted by someone or something- perhaps cold-hearted rivals for their place in the record books?

But Poodle Bitch is not of a conspiratorial bent. She finds it perfectly plausible that an unhealthily large Great Dane and a dog of an accelerated age might die within months of one another.)

She would like to add that, after seeing the film "The King of Kong," she has absolutely no faith in The Guinness Book of World Records anyway.

As an aside, Poodle Bitch found the story of Boomer via the bing search engine. She notes with some amusement that several mentions of the 7 foot-long dog appeared from various web destinations, yet all of them seemingly from the same AP article that provides the reader with almost no real information. Below is the first page of the search results:

"Boomer may be a buster" is a sentence that makes no sense (what, exactly, is it that Boomer may be "busting"? the kitchen sink from which she drinks? the record books?-- if the record books, then why would anyone want to read a story about a dog that only may be a record buster? Poodle Bitch wonders if there is so little going on the world now), but seeing it repeated over and over again on the search results page caused it to take on an almost surreal lack of meaning.

Boomer may be a buster. Then again, he may just be an extremely unhealthy dog in need of medical attention. The AP doesn't really care about that-- they got their story, and they got it placed in various outlets all over the country.

Zach Braff Sounds Very Much Like a Golden Retriever

2009-10-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

Zach Braff, the star of a program called "Scrubs," which Poodle Bitch does not watch, and of a film called "Garden State," during which Poodle Bitch fell asleep, has carved out a (hopefully) lucrative if not artistically satisfying career doing commercial voice over work.

This state of affairs has annoyed a writer at Slate.

Braff's voiceover work can currently be heard in two TV ad campaigns, one for PUR water filters and the other for Cottonelle toilet paper.
...
Braff's vocal performances, however—particularly in these Cottonelle ads—are so over-the-top annoying that they call attention to themselves. Not good attention.

Listen to Braff's supremely irritating take on the Cottonelle puppy. I recognize that the ad is meant to play on the viewer's soft spot for adorable house pets. But images of the puppy do that well enough. There's no need to have Braff hammily voicing the canine thought process.

"Hammy" and "annoying" are two words that Poodle Bitch would use to describe the typical Labrador voice (do not let certain propaganda sites mislead you regarding their "even temperament." That is a euphemism for "dull," and Labs know this, and overcompensate). For this reason, the makers of the commercial are to be commended for casting Mr. Braff- and chastised for casting the Lab. Complaining that someone providing a Lab's voice is "annoying" is like complaining that someone painted the sky less blue than it should be.

Poodle Bitch would point out the Slate writer that Mr. Braff was acting the breed, and quite convincingly.

That said, there is one other thing about the commercial that perturbed Poodle Bitch, and was apparently missed by the Slate writer. Poodle Bitch shall embed the commercial below, for the benefit of her readers.

This puppy Lab- a baby- describes himself as "lookin' sexy." Poodle Bitch is rather tired of the sexualization of puppies. She wonders why it is that baby dogs can't simply be baby dogs?

There is plenty of time for "lookin' sexy" when the even temperamented pup grows up.

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that humans insist on sexualizing puppies.

Sexualized puppy photograph source.

A Story Both Strange and Heartwarming. Also Confusing and Mysterious. And Possibly Sinister.

2009-10-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch is moved by the story of "Lab-Boxer mix" Brindle, the dog who for some reason ran off from his human companion in Virginia in 1999, and ended up in Oklahoma.

Of course, Poodle Bitch has to wonder exactly why it is that Brindle opened the door of his Virginia home and made his way to Oklahoma. Not having been to either state, Poodle Bitch feels unqualified to rate the relative merits of one against the other.

This leaves Poodle Bitch free to speculate on Brindle's human companion. The newscaster reporting the story mentions that Brindle left on "Super Bowl Sunday, 1999." Poodle Bitch feels safe in assuming that the Super Bowl, a sporting event at which characters like Michael Vick throw oblong balls at one another, was an important part of Brindle's companion Gary Rowley's life.

Poodle Bitch does not wish to sound unduly cruel, so she will limit herself to observing that 1,300 miles is quite a distance to go to get away from someone.

And then, once humans found the fugitive Lab-Boxer mix in the state where "the wind comes sweeping down the plain," they contacted Mr. Rowley through his facebook page. Ah, facebook. Truly, there is nowhere to hide anymore.

The "reunion" between Brindle and Mr. Rowley could take place some time next week, assuming poor Brindle is given the veterinarian's okay to travel. Poodle Bitch hopes that whatever the veterinarian decides will be in Brindle's best interests. Hopefully the crack reporter who gave us this story will be on the case with a follow-up next week.

Humans Treat Their Children as Pets

2009-10-02T12:33:00.001-07:00

Poodle Bitch was amused to read this Time article citing a study that suggests a link between eating candy as a child, and adult criminal behavior.

What parent hasn't used candy to pacify a cranky child or head off a brewing tantrum? When reasoning, threats and time-outs fail, a sugary treat often does the trick. But while that chocolate-covered balm may be highly effective in the short term, say British scientists, it may be setting youngsters up for problem behavior later. According to a new study, kids who eat too many treats at a young age risk becoming violent in adulthood.

Poodle Bitch is generally no fan of sugary treats (although she is intrigued by the idea of a "chocolate-covered balm"), but she does enjoy tomato slices and dried duck jerky treats, and she is not above admitting that she will stop at nothing to get them. She has learned that there are subtle manipulations in which she can engage, to alert nearby humans that she is ready for reward. Among these subtle manipulations: attentively watching humans eat, cuddling, sitting upon a human's lap, batting at them with her paw, rolling over onto her back to expose her provocative parts, and barking reminders of her existence.

She does love her tomato slices. She prefers they be no more than one-eighth of an inch thick, by the way.

But she was surprised-- although she's not altogether certain as to why she was surprised-- to see that humans did the same thing with their human offspring. Based on the first sentence of the story (as emphasized by Poodle Bitch above), it's apparently quite common for human parents to feed their children sweets in order to get them to, to use the popular terminology, shut up.

Perhaps this is one reason why there is such a childhood obesity "epidemic."

The present study, of course, suggests something perhaps even more sinister, at least to Poodle Bitch's admittedly canine eye.

The research was led by Simon Moore, a senior lecturer in Violence and Society Research at Cardiff University in the U.K., who specializes in the study of vulnerable youngsters.

Hmm. Poodle Bitch was under the impression that all youngsters were "vulnerable." She is growing more suspicious of this by the sentence. Perhaps things are different in the U.K. Perhaps only some youngsters are "vulnerable." The others have hard exoskeletons that protect them from the elements.

Moore turned to the British Cohort Study, a long-term survey of 17,000 people born during a one-week period in April 1970. That study included periodic evaluations of many different aspects of the growing children's lives, such as what they ate, certain health measures and socioeconomic status. Moore plumbed the data for information on kids' diet and their later behavior: at age 10, the children were asked how much candy they consumed, and at age 34, they were questioned about whether they had been convicted of a crime. Moore's analysis suggests a correlation: 69% of people who had been convicted of a violent act by age 34 reported eating candy almost every day as youngsters; 42% of people who had not been arrested for violent behavior reported the same. "Initially we thought this [effect] was probably due to something else," says Moore. "So we tried to control for parental permissiveness, economic status, whether the kids were urban or rural. But the result remained. We couldn't get rid of it."

Now, of course, Poodle Bitch has lost all interest in the "study" itself. Can you see why? Poodle Bitch notes that the "long-term survey" was on "many different aspects of the growing children's lives." It was not intended to be a study of any one specific lifestyle trend. A bunch of people have been asked a series of questions at various points in their lives. Now, people are interested in the nefarious influences of sugary treats on "vulnerable youngsters," so someone is looking specifically at that. We have no way of knowing how many of the 17,000 answered every question, and we have no way of knowing how many of those answered questions truthfully.

For instance, could it be that those who have been convicted of a violent act by age 34 were also capable of lying on their survey questions? Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that "scientists" would take violent people at their word. If they did not, then Poodle Bitch would like to know how it was that the scientists checked the veracity of every survey-taker's answers.

She hopes that the scientists had better things to do than find out whether the 69% of people convicted of a violent act by age 34 were lying about how much candy they ate when they were ten years old. Perhaps they were trying to figure out how to get the results of their meaningless study into Time magazine?

What is more alarming to Poodle Bitch is the casual, throw-away line that opens the article. She will copy and paste it again:

What parent hasn't used candy to pacify a cranky child or head off a brewing tantrum?

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that the authors of the study and the article are trying to alarm human parents about the dangers that their spoiled and overweight children might become violent felons, when they should be trying to alarm human parents that their spoiled and overweight children are spoiled and overweight?

Isn't that enough?

Will Üter Zörker grow to be an even worse criminal than...

...Bart Simpson?

Üter Zörker photograph source.
Bart Simpson photograph source.

Project Runway 6 Episode 7: Who Really Deserves to Be There?

2009-10-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch today knows true happiness, and the satisfaction that can only come from seeing true justice served on a reality television competition. This week’s seventh episode of “Project Runway” has truly given Poodle Bitch something to smile about.

She will resist the temptation to spoil the episode upfront, and will instead plow into her description of the episode.

It begins with Gordana inaccurately stating that all remaining designers deserve to be here. The irony, of course, is that Gordana herself does not deserve to be there. In Poodle Bitch’s estimation it is the poodle companion Irina, the whimsical Shirin, and the dignified Epperson who most deserve to be there. Beyond those three, Poodle Bitch has seen little to excite her.

Logan moves in with Nicolas, Christopher, and Epperson, and “the four boys” make a pact to try to get rid of “the girls." Talentless Nicolas jokes that they’re targeting Shirin. Poodle Bitch does not believe that Shirin has anything to fear from Nicolas.

Unfortunately, Nicolas has immunity this week, after his undeserved “win” last week.

This week, Althea designed something for the trampy businesswoman who wants easy access for a quick nooner during her lunch break. Poodle Bitch is appalled.

Martine Reardon, from Macy’s, tells the designers that their challenge is to create two designs that will be appropriate for the Macy’s “Inc” line. The winner will be commissioned by Macy’s to create a holiday dress that will be sold by Macy’s online.

Mr. Gunn tells the designers that they will be working in teams of two- each designer will get 15 minutes to create a pitch for Ms. Reardon. Her choices for five best will be team leaders, and will choose from the also-rans who will work under them.

Carol Hannah, who in the first episode claimed to create fashions for woodland sprites, interviews that she feels she has a good chance of winning this challenge because she’s so “down to earth about fashion.” She understands the typical Macy’s shopper, she “can see what they’re looking for.”

Poodle Bitch has only once been to Macy’s, when she was temping for a seeing eye dog, but if Carol Hannah is in touch with the typical Macy’s shopper, Poodle Bitch has little incentive to return.

Louise is surprised by how subdued the Inc line is. Her plan of creating something more outrageous will have to wait.

Ms. Reardon displays good taste by selecting poodle companion Irina as the first team captain. No surprise that Irina created the best pitch, and got the first selection.

With her second choice, Ms. Reardon displays an erratic nature, by choosing Irina’s nemesis, the lackluster and dull Althea. Althea interviews how wonderful it is for her to be chosen as “the boss” for yet another team challenge. Poodle Bitch would advise her not to let it go to her head; she is still a terrible designer.

Ms. Reardon’s third choice shows her to be almost worrisomely bizarre, when she selects the woodland sprite girl Carol Hannah. Apparently she is in touch with the typical Macy’s shopper.

Ms. Reardon seems to be on firmer ground, to Poodle Bitch’s estimation, with her fourth choice, Christopher.

Christopher's "disco pumpkin." Poodle Bitch can easily imagine that phrase entering the vernacular of the club scene. She hears that the Scissor Sisters are already working on a song with that title.

Fifth is Louise. That gets a “wow” out of Mr. Gunn. Poodle Bitch wonders if the comment was for Louise specifically, or for the fact that only one of the four team captains was truly worthy of the honor bestowed upon them?

Althea selects Logan; Christopher takes Epperson; Louise suffers a lapse in judgment and selects Nicolas,; Irina, troublingly, cannot decide between Gordana and Shirin, and asks them to decide. Being no dummy, Gordana says, “I like (to) work with you,” and a team is formed; Carol Hannah is therefore left with Shirin. There is no way that Shirin should have been chosen last. Poodle Bitch has a hard time believing that Shirin did not also present one of the five best designs. Poodle Bitch wonders about Ms. Reardon’s eye.

Poodle Bitch must say she is disappointed by Irina’s indecision. At mood, she seems to let Gordana get the best of her, while the partner she should have had, Shirin, is footloose and fancy free with the woodland sprite girl.

At least she didn’t forget her money and drawing, as Louise did.

Woodland sprite girl is worried about delegating the work. Along those same lines, Irina interviews that team challenges are aggravating, because she has to do her portion of the work, and look over the other person’s shoulder. Poodle Bitch is starting to worry that the show is being edited in such a way as to prepare for an Irina exit.

Nicolas complains to Althea about Louise’s design. But he does like her bird noises. Louise seems to have waited until very late in the game, or the producers decided to wait until now to show us, just how “quirky” she really is. Yes, Louise makes bird noises when she works, along with a few others that Poodle Bitch found indecipherable. Perhaps she was mimicking the sounds of a disappointed sewing machine- one that is not employed in the creation of garments by the lovely poodle companion Irina?

Epperson tells Christopher that, unlike his previous team challenge, he actually respects his partner. Christopher is incorporating Epperson’s ideas into the design. “It’s us,” he says. Now, of course, Poodle Bitch is starting to worry about Christopher and Epperson.

Mr. Gunn doesn’t like leggings, as he tells team woodland sprite. Yet he concedes that the team’s designs have the potential to knock people’s socks off.

He is concerned about the ruffle on Louise’s dress. He trusts them to catch anything that goes awry.

He likes Althea’s unstereotypical woman’s suit.

He exposes fissures in the team of Irina and Gordana.

He loves Christopher’s shirt dress, except for the textiles. It shows a lot of “potential for reinvention.” Naturally, Christopher and Epperson are over the moon about the compliment.

Irina worries that Gordana’s dress is “sort of a disaster.”

Nicolas complains that “ruffles make me sick.” They were created to hide flaws, he says. Poodle Bitch must grudgingly admit that she agrees with him, to a certain extent. She is not made ill by ruffles, but she is not a designer. Perhaps if she were, she would feel more strongly about them.

She feels very strongly about black olives.

Woodland sprite has a “mini freak out” in her head. She apparently does that every night. Irina says their stuff looks like “it was like bought in a discount store.” Poodle Bitch would not be quite so harsh in her assessment; but, the designs do not compare favorably with Irina’s.

Poodle Bitch is curious as to just how much Shirin did to make Team Woodland Sprite's designs so palatable to her. She finds it difficult to believe that Carol Hannah could have come up with clothing that did not thoroughly irritate Poodle Bitch's sensibilities.

Next day, Irina interviews that she is not nervous. Yet, her dress makes her feel sad, because of the blue.

Gordana is frustrated by what she terms a “lack of direction” from Irina. This is not good. Poodle Bitch is again feeling nervous about Irina’s chances.

Christopher believes his is “the dream team.” Nicolas is glad he has immunity.

Poodle Bitch is quite happy to see that Michael Kors is back. Zanna Roberts, senior fashion editor for Marie Claire magazine is sitting in for the sadly absent Nina Garcia, and Martine Reardon is the last other judge.

Heidi says “one or more will be out.” The contestants give one another ominous, portentous looks. Will two of them be going home? Three? If they sent home everyone who didn’t “deserve to be there,” then, at least according to Gordana, none of them will be going home.

Irina is content, and Gordana confident, with their designs.

Irina's beautiful dress. What is there to say other than, Poodle Bitch wishes she were human, if only for five minutes, so that she could luxuriate in it? As it is, she would be happy to lay upon it, on her pillow under the bed.

Logan’s and Althea’s skirt keeps riding up the model’s legs. It is the first interesting thing that either of them has been involved with on the show.

The rest of the designs are rather unmemorable, Poodle Bitch has to say. At least, she can’t remember any of them.

Irina and Gordana, and Woodland Sprite and Shirin, have the highest scores. Poodle Bitch is relieved and delighted.

Irina tells the judges that she wanted Gordana to come out of her shell more. Gordana is a designer, and she should take Irina’s “lack of direction” as a compliment. Irina did not believe that Gordana needed a lot of direction. Heidi tells Irina that she would wear her dress today. “You actually gave us a pattern,” Michael Kors says.

The judges are complimentary to the team woodland sprite designs as well, but Poodle Bitch is too happy to hear Irina’s compliments to pay them much attention.

As for the lowest scores, Louise and Nicolas leave the judges confused. The ruffles are very overstated. “This looks like a bride’s maid’s dress with a shower loofah rouched up the front of it,” Michael Kors says. “No modern girl wants to wear that dress.”

Heidi tells Nicolas he’s lucky he has immunity.

Heidi is blown away by what Epperson and Christopher put together. This is not a compliment. Part of his dress looks like it has a bib at the top. The shirtdress, the one that Mr. Gunn said had the potential to be reinventive, looks like a librarian’s shirt dress from 1979, according to Mr. Kors. “It looks like a tablecloth.” The other is a “teal, charmuse disco pumpkin… Did you really think they went together? They don’t.”

Christopher starts to cry. But it is too difficult to feel sorry for him, for-

Irina wins! Poodle Bitch could not be happier. Once again, for some reason, the judges made the proper decision. (Could it be because Michael Kors has returned? No- Poodle Bitch seems to recall that he was around during at least one of the weeks when Mitchell was retained.) Poodle Bitch is pleased.

Poodle companion Irina and the dress she designed for Macy's Inc line.

Louise and Christopher are in the bottom two. Heidi informs them “one, or both of you, will be out.” She then witheringly puts them in their place. She uses language that is so brutal that Poodle Bitch is surprised that either of them is able to remain standing.

Unsurprisingly, Louise is out. Also unsurprisingly, Christopher remains to design another day. Did they really think we would fall for that “one or more of you will be out” statement?

Poodle Bitch wonders if Louise's design was so much worse than the stripper chic Althea sent tramping down the runway?

Irina and Inc dress photograph source.
Design photographs source.

Poodle Bitch's First Video

2009-09-28T08:16:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has created a short piece of animation, which can now be seen on YouTube. It is not exactly "Lady and the Tramp," but it is at least as good as the collection of dog cartoons from The New Yorker. Poodle Bitch believes it is certainly worth 40 seconds of your time.

Poodle Bitch is Annoyed By Mystery Spam

2009-09-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has received a spam email that is simultaneously flattering and sinister. She would be more scared, if she weren't swelled with pride over how trustworthy some people claim to believe she is.

Of course, Poodle Bitch does not know how seriously she should take compliments when they're contained within an email that is addressed "Dear Sir/Madam."

Poodle Bitch is a Bitch; she is neither a "sir" nor a "madam."

Salam(Urgent Business Assistant in Asia)‏
From: Medivet Veterinary Group
Sent: Sun 9/27/09 6:05 AM

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am KAREN BLAIR, the regional purchasing manager of Medivet Veterinary Group, 4 Mowat Industrial Estate Sandown Road Watford Hertfordshire WD24 7UY IN UNITED KINGDOM,

before I had a car accident.... I cannot continue my business for now because of my present condition and that is why I am contacting you.I used to represent my company to several Asian countries to purchase a product called "Adequan"..

This product is a vaccine use for animal treatment and health care. It is very essential in raising animals like horses, lambs, Sheep, cows, dogs etc. As of this, I am having a business proposal for you. Please find the statements below:

1. I will introduce you to my company's General Manager as being the main and only Supplier of the said vaccine.

2. The vaccine costs USD 8,500 per packet in UNITED STATES, but in Malaysia, Pacific Asia sub-region where I have been purchasing it, it relatively cheaper being USD 2,200 per packet. You will be supplying it to my company at the rate of USD 4,000 per carton.

3. Note that the actual cost price of the vaccine (USD 2,200) remains confidential and should not be disclosed to my company GM as this will affect our profit.

4. Neither my company directors know the seller of this product nor the seller know my company directors; I will however introduce you as the main supplier.

My company normally purchases 80-100 packets in each trip I make depending on the quantity left behind in the company. The seller of this product is a woman, you will purchase the product from the woman and supply to my company, my company will make payment to you cash on delivery. Let the above mentioned be in mutual beneficiary for us and an opportunity to embark in future engagements. I need somebody trustworthy to be introduced as the main supplier. Finally, if you wish to take up this offer, kindly get back to me so that I can give you all contact details and that of my GM whom you will contact and send you quotation. I also will give you the price to quote; in return my GM will then issue you an LPO (Legal Purchasing Order).Should you have any question regarding this business, don't hesitate to ask me.. my email:karen.blair01@yahoo.com

Awaiting your swift response.

Best Regards,

KAREN BLAIR

Poodle Bitch is no expert, but the language of this email reminds her of what it must be like to deal with drug dealers. The sellers and company directors do not know one another, and must be kept in the dark as to their respective identities. Moreover, the actual price of the product must not be disclosed.

Oops. Perhaps Poodle Bitch should have redacted the prices listed in this spam email. Or, even better, perhaps the composer of this spam email should not have disclosed the prices.

Come to think of it, since the people in the email are selling animal vaccines, Poodle Bitch supposes that, literally, these people are drug dealers. Poodle Bitch will take a pass on this particular "opportunity."

Project Runway 6 Episode 6: Life is Unfair, and So Are the Judges

2009-09-25T06:18:00.000-07:00

The designers are taken to a movie studio lot- it looks like it might be the Fox lot, but Poodle Bitch is unsure. She does not regularly visit studio lots; she is not one of the “beautiful poodles.” Tim Gunn and Collier Strong tell the designers that their next challenge will be to choose a film genre, and create an outfit for a character from that genre.

As the winner of the previous challenge (and deservedly so), poodle companion Irina is given the chance to select first. She rather sensibly chooses film noir. Poodle Bitch has to say that she is a bit disappointed; Irina has immunity, and could really have let her “inhibitions run wild” (sorry, she has Rod Stewart on the brain, for some reason) with something like science fiction; but, no matter. Irina is the top designer, and Poodle Bitch has faith.

The designers’ names are pulled from a bag at random by Mr. Gunn.

Logan chooses action adventure. Given the way some of the models talk about Logan on “Models of the Runway,” Poodle Bitch is sure that they will disappointed that “pornography” was not a genre up for selection.

Carol Hannah does not pick woodland fairy, she , too, chooses action adventure. Perhaps she’ll make something for Legolas?

Ra’mon takes science fiction. He interviews that he grew up watching “sci fi,” and knows all about “Star Wars” and “Star Trek.” Poodle Bitch is not a snob about speculative fiction like a certain human with whom she lives, so she will refrain from making comments on the science fictional worth of the two “Star” series, “Wars” and “Trek.”

Louise goes obvious and selects “film noir.” “That has your name written all over it,” as Mr. Gunn says. Poodle Bitch has watched enough reality to know that this is what’s called “foreshadowing.”

Althea also chooses film noir, and now Poodle Bitch is confused. She thought there were only two of each genre. How can poodle companion Irina, Louise, and dull as dishwater Althea all select the same genre?

Gordana selects period piece.

Nicolas unsurprisingly selects science fiction. Did he not do some kind of ridiculous straight out of Philip K Dick’s most fevered Valis inspired nightmare outfit last week?

Nicolas designed these (along with Gordana, in fairness to him- but he did most of the design work) a few weeks ago. Poodle Bitch believes no comment is necessary- this criticizes itself.

Christopher selects period piece.

This leaves two “westerns” left, for Shirin and Epperson. No one wanted to do any western-inspired outfits, for some reason. Poodle Bitch thinks this might be an interesting way for certain designers to stand out. She has to admit that “film noir” is probably a bit too easy for most of these designers.

Epperson complains that he wanted “period piece,” but Poodle Bitch would like to point out that, by definition, westerns are period pieces. It is all in how one looks at it.

The designers are immediately taken off the (Fox?) lot and back to the Fashion Institute, which makes little sense to Poodle Bitch. Why bother taking them to the lot in the first place, if they’re only going to spend five minutes picking genres? They could have done that at the Institute. Even worse, the designers are informed that this is a one-day challenge. They have until midnight tonight to finish. So they spent two hours each way, in traffic, traveling to the lot that served only as a pretty backdrop, and now have until midnight to create their clothing?

Epperson begins by thinking of John Wayne, which won’t help him to design a gown.

Shirin starts thinking “saloon girl.” Poodle Bitch is a big fan of the television show “Deadwood,” and she does not understand why these designers are so down on western wear. There is plenty of interest to be done with it.

Carol Hannah is foregoing the “woodland sprite” look, and doing a sexy assassin. Poodle Bitch would ironically point out that that hasn’t been done before.

Logan apparently has a crush on Carol Hannah. “She’s nice to have around,” he interviews, with timid charm. Regular viewers of “Models of the Runway” know that Logan could have his pick from among almost any of the models, so his interest in Carol Hannah is both unfortunate and misplaced. Regardless, Poodle Bitch hopes that he has a happy life.

Oh, and Logan is designing a “military esque-slash-like sword fighter.” This is just another way of saying “sexy assassin look.”

For her part, Carol Hannah thinks Logan is “distracting” and “hot.” Don’t get burned!

Nicolas says that he’s out in fantasy land. In his own world. Given his feelings about his own work, Poodle Bitch would agree with that.

Althea says she likes “the sort of femme fatale woman, very sort of classic, edgy.” Poodle Bitch would like to point out to Althea that “femme fatale woman” is a redundancy, and there is very little that is “edgy” about a fashion designer being inspired by films noir. If Althea really were “edgy,” she would have selected “western” as her genre. As it is, Poodle Bitch is far more interested to see what “Trekker” Ra’mon comes up with.

Irina feels she doesn’t need immunity.

Christopher worries his interpretation of “period piece” might confuse the judges. If someone like, say, Nicolas who makes the same thing over and over again and has very little in the way of actual inspiration, were to say this, Poodle Bitch might consider it an example of hubris, but given Christopher’s relative skill, and the way the judges have judged this season, Poodle Bitch shares his concern.

Epperson makes the valid point that Poodle Bitch had been thinking. “’Western’ is a ‘period’,” he says. But it is his job to make “western” an exclamation.

Epperson has been creating good designs from the first episode. Why has he not yet won any of the challenges?

Someone keeps stealing Louise’s bobbins. Even as she sews, she is still working on her concept. More foreshadowing. Poodle Bitch is beginning to worry for her.

Mr. Gunn doesn’t like Christopher’s bare-armed gown for his Victorian vampire bride.

Epperson has embraced the western genre. “Annie get your gun,” Mr. Gunn says appreciatively. He is seduced by Epperson’s ruffles. Poodle Bitch would love to make something that seduces Tim Gunn.

Ra’mon’s human alien hybrid skin-like jumpsuit could be “sublime, or a big, hot mess.”

Louise needs to be less minimal.

Nicolas is told to exaggerate and go bigger. Poodle Bitch agrees. Nicolas is dull. He is so dull that part of his time with Mr. Gunn is taken up with an expression of worry about Ra’mon’s design. When Nicolas thinks of “sci fi,” he thinks of beautiful, not Godzilla. Ra’mon is twice the designer you are, Nicolas. Ra’mon is skilled and serious. You are silly.

But now Ra’mon is second-guessing himself. “It’s Kermit the frog gone wrong.” He’s going to start from scratch. A dress? A coat? Despite the fact that Ra’mon almost single-handedly saved Mitchell from elimination in the third episode, Poodle Bitch is beginning to worry about him.

Irina barely finishes her dress. Poodle Bitch has to say that she is not heartened by the small glimpses she has gotten from the editing.

This week’s judges are John Varvatos (Poodle Bitch is unsure of who he is, but she seems to vaguely recall finding herself on his email list, for some reason), Marie Claire editor Zoe Glassner , and Academy Award nominated designer Arianne Phillips.

Poodle Bitch needn’t have worried. Irina’s model looks dangerous and elegant.

Carol Hannah’s model looks like a character from “The Matrix.” Excuse Poodle Bitch while she yawns.

The same can be said for Logan’s. It looks like their pillow talk involved exchanging design ideas.

Ra'mon won such praise for the tiedye dress, which almost saved Mitchell. Can he go back to the well again (or, should Poodle Bitch say "toilet"? she has read that the above dress was dyed in one).

Oh, how Poodle Bitch wants to love Ra’mon’s design- and she does. Alas, it is the execution that lets him down. It looks like it was thrown together at the last minute, as it likely was.

Poodle Bitch’s favorites were Irina, Epperson Christopher, and Ra’mon. Her least favorites were Carol Hannah, Logan, and Nicolas. Irina, Carol Hannah, and Logan ended up in the middle, and are excused from the runway.

The judges think Gordana’s design is too dull, and too derivative. Poodle Bitch agrees.

Nicolas’s silly ice queen dress impresses the judges, for some reason. “Clever, bold, and risky,” Zoe says. Poodle Bitch would use the more appropriate adjectives, “Uninspired, safe, and boring” to describe the outfit. The hair and makeup, on the other hand, are quite interesting.

They call Louise’s dress boring and unspecial. This after praising Nicolas. Poodle Bitch wonders how it is that we are to take the judges seriously. Where is Michael Kors? Where is Nina Garcia?

Christopher’s mixing of eras gets praise from the judges.

The judges don’t like Ra’mon’s dress, much as they like his story. “Hot green mess,” Heidi says.

They did like Epperson’s denim and leather dress, with it seductive ruffles.

But it’s Nicolas’s ice queen that “blew away” the judges. How could the judges have gotten it so right last week, and so wrong this week? Nicolas’s dress might have been well-made, but it showed none of the inspiration of Ra’mon’s.

Ra’mon is sent home. Poodle Bitch cannot believe it. The judges must be smoking something that takes away their common sense. Carol Hannah, Logan, Althea, Gordana, and Nicolas are all far lesser designers, who "played it safe." Yet they are given passes, and in Nicolas's case, an undeserved victory.

This season has certainly tested Poodle Bitch. She understands that life is unfair, and the best designers are often treated shabbily by the vaguaries of fate, but must “Project Runway” so closely mirror that fact?

Ra'mon design picture source.
Nicolas design picture source.
Epperson design picture source.

Dogs are not People. Humans Need to Accept This.

2009-09-24T06:58:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch finds it simultaneously charming and sad that humans insist on studying animals in human terms. She understands the reason for this, as humans are only human, and have a human frame of reference. But she has to wonder why it is that they never seem to tire of doing the same things over and over again, and expecting newer, more insightful results.

Poodle Bitch finally made it through this long Time story entitled "The Secrets Inside Your Dog's Mind," and she is once again left scratching her head. Apparently, Duke University has a facility (or will have, the article is poorly worded) called the Duke Canine Cognition Center. How serious is this facility? Poodle Bitch instructs the reader to take a look at the photo of the person who will be heading it:

How absolutely adorable! The head of this very important scientific facility is photographed upside down, laying on the ground beside a noble greyhound that is at least 32% more attractive than he. Taking a break that, the caption assures us, is "well deserved." Because this work, Poodle Bitch is sure, is quite strenuous:

"Henry!" he says. Henry is a big black schnauzer-poodle mix--a schnoodle, in the words of his owner, Tracy Kivell, another Duke anthropologist. Kivell holds on to Henry's collar so that he can only gaze at the biscuit.

"You got it?" Hare asks Henry. Hare then steps back until he's standing between a pair of inverted plastic cups on the floor. He quickly puts the hand holding the biscuit under one cup, then the other, and holds up both empty hands. Hare could run a very profitable shell game. No one in the room--neither dog nor human--can tell which cup hides the biscuit.

Henry could find the biscuit by sniffing the cups or knocking them over. But Hare does not plan to let him have it so easy. Instead, he simply points at the cup on the right. Henry looks at Hare's hand and follows the pointed finger. Kivell then releases the leash, and Henry walks over to the cup that Hare is pointing to. Hare lifts it to reveal the biscuit reward.

Henry the schnoodle just did a remarkable thing. Understanding a pointed finger may seem easy, but consider this: while humans and canines can do it naturally, no other known species in the animal kingdom can. Consider too all the mental work that goes into figuring out what a pointed finger means: paying close attention to a person, recognizing that a gesture reflects a thought, that another animal can even have a thought. Henry, as Kivell affectionately admits, may not be "the sharpest knife in the drawer," but compared to other animals, he's a true scholar.

Poodle Bitch believes it is Henry the "schnoodle" who is running the shell game. She finds it remarkable that humans would find this remarkable. A domesticated dog found a biscuit, after being told where it was by a human.

So the humans think.

Henry the schnoodle knew where that biscuit was the entire time. Henry smelled it. Poodle Bitch would think that anyone who was in charge of something so serious sounding as a Canine Cognition Center would at least know something about dogs' sense of smell.

Poodle Bitch would also like to point out that Henry could tell exactly what it was that the human expected of his behavior, because he has lived with humans his entire life. Domesticated pets have to read their humans companions because they depend upon them for food and shelter. In this way, the cynic would point out, they have fully assimilated the human concept of "love."

Speaking of "pointing," which seems to so fascinated the researchers and the author of the article:

A chimp can follow the gaze of other chimps and figure out what they can and cannot see. That's a skill that seems to be limited to great apes and humans. Tomasello and his team wondered if such a rare ability extended to hand gestures and tested chimps to see if they could understand pointing. To their surprise, the chimps did badly, able to learn the meaning of a pointed finger only after lots of training.

It is only after "lots of training" that any animal can do anything of interest to humans. Any animal that spends a lot of time with humans is going to pick up on those things, and do them. The animal will do this out of "love." Poodle Bitch notes W. Somerset Maugham's famous quotation "Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species."

Poodle Bitch disagrees with the tone of the quotation, but the sentiment is certainly true. It is not a dirty trick, but it is a trick. It's a trick in the same way that human love is a "trick." For a sense of safety and security, shelter, and, of course, food. Poodle Bitch would like to now show the author of the article, and the Duke researchers, exactly why it is that dogs are so good at figuring out the concept of "pointing":

The above is a photograph of what happens when Poodle Bitch attempts to cook for herself. This is the best she can do on her own; a microwaved banana. It took her all day. Humans, on the other hand, can make chicken, slice tomatoes, create soups and sauces, and truly lovely meals that she could not create on her own. Poodle Bitch has no opposable thumbs.

It is only the by the best good luck that she happens to love her humans so very much.

Poodle Bitch is Unhappy With the Shenanigans of the Massachusetts Legislature

2009-09-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch typically attempts to avoid politics. The process is boorish, and tends to reward the worst of human nature (a nature that Poodle Bitch often finds befuddling, even at its best), and writing about the characters involved tends merely to encourage them.

That said, Poodle Bitch was irritated when she read about the Massachusetts legislature's raising of fees for dog registration.

State Republicans are howling mad over yet another tax hike being slipped through the Legislature that would slap an annual $3 state surcharge on municipal licensing fees canine owners pay for their pet pooches.

Sigh. Why must the author of the article insert the cutism "howling" into the paragraph? News of the extra $3 is quite bad enough, given the current state (so Poodle Bitch has heard) of the economy that is "changing lifestyles".

Unfortunately, one of the politicians that is "howling mad" is quoted, and his cutisms gave Poodle Bitch an eyeache:

“We’re trying to collar or neuter these onerous fees and counter the Democrats’ rabid obsession with increases,” said state Sen. Robert Hedlund (R-Weymouth).

First of all, some advice: Please settle upon one cutism per sentence. "Collar or neuter" sounds like you cannot makeup your mind about what you're trying to say, and you will lose the votes of those who are focused. And trust Poodle Bitch when she tells you that those two terms are most certainly not interchangeable. Second, and more important, if you are attempting to engage the sympathy of dog owners, do not joke about rabidity. As anyone who has seen the film "Old Yeller" will attest, rabidity is not funny.

But state Sen. Pat Jehlen (D-Somerville) argued the fee is necessary to fund a state spay-and-neutering plan meant to snip the state’s out-of-control problem with strays.

Poodle Bitch certainly appreciates spaying and neutering pets as a way of controlling the population of stray animals. But she wonders why it is that responsible pet owners should have to pay more for that, when they are already paying a fee.

Annual license fees range from $6 a year in Boston for neutered or spayed canines (and $17 for unfixed dogs) to a flat $20 in Plymouth.

Perhaps the state could find something to cut to make up the difference? Poodle Bitch notes that Massachusetts is facing a severe deficit for 2009. She wonders why responsible pet owners should be burdened by problems created by politicians?

[Laurence Pizer, Plymouth town clerk] added that the state surcharge would deter many residents from licensing their dogs - a practice that is already a tough sell.

Now Poodle Bitch is confused. Do some residents not license their dogs? How many do not? Is it against the law to not register dogs? Why isn't the law enforced as it stands? Perhaps if the fees were lowered, more people would register, and the state would bring in more money?

These are questions that could have been addressed, if the author of the article and the politicians involved had spent less time making dog-related cutisms.

Poodle Bitch notes that this is no way to celebrate National Dog Week.

Go Humans Go, Away

2009-09-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has a DVR, which means she does often catch televised commercials. Recently, however, she found herself flipping idly through the channels and witnessed a commercial for Quaker Oats.

The slogan is "Go Humans Go." Poodle Bitch believes that slogan is missing the word "Away." At least, as regards the company that created the ads.

Why are these people jumping on trampolines? Why are they jumping so high into the sky? Are these people unaware of the dangers of such an activity?

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), more than 89,000 trampoline-related injuries landed people in the emergency room in 2004. This number reflects an increase of about 150 percent from 1990.

Certainly Quaker Oats does not mean to encourage emergency room visits, when we are constantly being told of a health care crisis?

Of course Poodle Bitch is only half-serious about this. She would rather have children bouncing on trampolines than bothering her. But she wonders what the downright Sisyphusian activity of jumping up and then coming back down again has to do with "going"? These people, she wishes to point out, are not "going" anywhere. They are bouncing into the sky, only to come back down again. This hardly seems inspiring to her.

Another commercial is little better:

Of course the "jet pack" is allegorical, but is it meant also to be aspirational, as in "Get out there, humans, and create some jet packs!", or is it meant to be insulting, as in, "Humans, why haven't you created jet packs yet?"

And Poodle Bitch has not yet even addressed the slogan's vaguely feculent overtones. Yes, oats are known to help cure constipation, but do we really need to have such an obvious reminder?

Poodle Bitch wonders if those people using their jet packs to fly to the bathroom.

Then there is the fact that the ad specifically excludes non-humans. Poodle Bitch cares not even a little for eating oats- she much prefers tomato and chicken- but she happens to know that there are some non-human animals that eat oats. Mares, for instance, eat oats. Does, also, have been known to eat oats. And little lambs, not that it has anything to do with anything, eat ivy.

And Poodle Bitch has it on good authority that the mares and does are boycotting Quaker.

Human Beings Are Both Easily Entertained and Casually Cruel

2009-09-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch discovered this video on yahoo's main page. Naturally, she is appalled.

French Bulldog Rolls Over @ Yahoo! Video

The reader will note that the video, nearly a full minute in length, features an adorable French bulldog pup struggling to get to his feet. He rocks back and forth on a hard, cold tile floor, all the while being filmed by a cruel human who- rather than help him to his feet- is content to let the pup continue to rock as he films the entire humiliating experience.

Poodle Bitch wonders at the casual cruelty displayed in this video.

The person holding the camera is telling the pup, "You are merely an objet d'amusement. You may remain, as long as you entertain your humans." Poodle Bitch does not wish to seem melodramatic, but this video represents a subtle form of psychological torture. She shudders to think of what is in store for this pup, as he grows into full doghood.

And, even removing the cruelty angle, she wonders why it is that any human would find it entertaining to watch a dog, even an adorable pup dog, rock back and forth for a full minute.

Of course, Poodle Bitch is also at a loss to explain the popularity of LOLCats.

Poodle Bitch would also like to note the misleading title. "French Bulldog Rolls Over," it is called. However, at no point does the French bulldog (pup) "roll over." The French bulldog spends nearly a full minute struggling to roll over, while a venal human gleefully films it all, for the entertainment of humans made complicit in the cruelty it represents.

Shame on yahoo, for putting this horribleness on your main page.

RE: "Miracle Cat" Smoka: Poodle Bitch is Dubious

2009-09-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

Smoka is an Ohio cat who supposedly survived for 26 days buried under rubble. That is according to the headline.

The last time Sandy LaPierre saw her cat, Smoka, was on Aug. 9 when a fire ripped through the apartment building where she lived in Franklin, Ohio.
...
LaPierre and the community are now stunned that Smoka has been found a whopping 26 days after the disaster. The lucky feline was discovered Sept. 4 when a crew came to clean up rubble at the site of three-story building and one of the workers spotted the cat's head under a pile of rubble.

Poodle Bitch is always surprised by what can stun humans. A cat playing in the debris of a damaged building?

Stunning!

And, why is 26 days considered a "whopping" number, Poodle Bitch would like to know. That is not even a full month. Even February has 28 days. That is plenty of time for a cat to scavenge. Poodle Bitch has heard of cats leaving home for months at a time, and returning only after their desire to catch their own food has waned.

"We was digging through it and we found that cat 16 feet underneath the debris pile, in the burnt ashes and wood," Clarence Witte, owner of Stark Wrecking Company tells PEOPLE Pets. "And we had already done run over the top of it a dozen times with the excavator — and that thing weighs about 40,000 pounds. I don’t know how that cat survived underneath all that stuff."

As for the above quote, Poodle Bitch hardly knows where to start. She will spare Mr. Witte the grammar lesson and instead focus on the content of his statement. He claims to have found the cat 16 feet beneath a debris pile, in ashes and wood- a debris pile that had been run over multiple times by "the excavator" (Poodle Bitch had to look that up on wikipedia- she had seen the machines before, but had always thought they were called "those construction devices") that weighs 40,000 pounds.

The implication is that, per the article's title,

Amazing Discovery! Smoka the Cat Survives 26 Days Buried Under Rubble

Poodle Bitch doesn't want to rain on anyone's burned-out building, but she would like to note that there is absolutely no proof whatosever that Smoka the cat was buried under rubble for 26 days.

There is instead the statement of one semi-literate man who found a cat playing in a debris pile.

Poodle Bitch is a bit perturbed by the scam this cat is attempting. No doubt Smoka saw that the apartment was on fire and, rather than help her human companion (as Poodle Bitch herself would have done), Smoka then ran out, leaving her human companion to the mercy of the terrifying flames as she herself went out (you'll pardon the expression, but Poodle Bitch cannot resist) tomcatting.

And she nearly had her story featured on the Today Show, Poodle Bitch has found.

On Wednesday, Sept. 9, a producer from the “Today Show” called Dennie Fitzgerald ... and invited him and Smoka, who survived 26 days buried under rubble from a Franklin fire, to appear on the show.

But a few hours later, the producer rescinded the offer, citing Friday’s eighth anniversary of 9/11.

Poodle Bitch notes that this article casually repeats the unproven allegation that the cat "survived 26 days buried under rubble." She would like to have more than just the word of the construction worker and the companion of the cat. Specifically, Poodle Bitch would like video footage of all 26 days in question.

Or, she would like to question Smoka herself. Poodle Bitch can tell when a cat is lying.

A cat is lying most of the time.

However, Poodle Bitch does consider it poor form to invite someone onto your program, and then rescind the offer only a few hours later. Most especially given the reason cited. She wonders if the "eighth anniversary of 9/11" snuck up on this producer.

She also wonders if perhaps the producer wasn't being dishonest about the reason for the cancellation. Is it possible that someone at the Today Show thought, "Wait- we have no proof that this cockamamie story is actually true! We can't have this cat on our show!"?

Somehow, Poodle Bitch is dubious.

The humans might be, but Poodle Bitch is not fooled by Smoka the cat.

Photo source.

Project Runway 6 Episode 5: Utterly Preposterous Spewing of Fiction

2009-09-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight’s episode of Project Runway took Poodle Bitch back to her days as a Poodle Pup, living in that small apartment on beautiful Cahuenga Blvd. She did not care to go for walks in the evening, and so she was paper-trained. Tonight, the designers had to create garments using newspaper.

Poodle Bitch finds that a bit silly- the paper is for dog dirt, not for high fashion.

But before the designers were given their rather silly assignment, the poodle companion Irina, Poodle Bitch’s unabashed favorite, perfectly expressed Poodle Bitch’s sentiments regarding Althea’s questionably winning garment from last week. “I was in utter shock,” she said. (Poodle Bitch would like to tell Irina that she should not be shocked by anything the judges decide, given the fact that Mitchell lasted into the third episode.) “I’ll be the first one to congratulate anyone that wins, if I feel like it was well-earned. And that wasn’t.”

Is it any wonder that Poodle Bitch loves the poodle companion Irina?

Poodle Bitch could not agree more. Irina’s, Louise’s, and Epperson’s garments were all far superior.

Nicolas however is incurring Poodle Bitch’s ire by interviewing that Irina is “slowly creeping up [his] list” of unworthies, along with Johnny.

Nicolas: Poodle Bitch cannot remember a single garment you’ve designed. Your opinion is as irrelevant as you are.

Do you have a poodle, Nicolas? Then Poodle Bitch would like to respectfully suggest that you lick yourself.

The delightful Tim Gunn takes the designers to the Los Angeles Times, that coupon distribution pamphlet that Poodle Bitch remembers so fondly from her days in the Cahuenga apartment. He leads them to the printing press, where they are introduced to Booth Moore, LA Times Fashion critic. She tells the designers they will use actual newspaper pages in the creation of their garments.

Poodle Bitch supposes that, given the declining circulation numbers for printed newspapers, this is a rather desperate grab at sales.

Nicolas interviews that he is “speechless” at the prospect of using newspapers for fabric. Poodle Bitch would like to ask him why he could not have been “speechless” when he was expressing his pathetic opinion of her favorite designer Irina, and, she would further like to ask him what he expected from “Project Runway”?

These types of “challenges” are typical. If you’re rendered “speechless” before you’ve even begun creating your garment, then maybe you should sew your mouth shut regarding the other designers.

It is only too bad that no one bit Nicolas during the three minutes the designers were given to gather newspaper. Only Poodle Bitch’s favorite designer, Irina, remains calm and cool. “What are you guys doing?” she wonders. “You’re dressing a human, not an elephant.”

Poodle Bitch again finds herself in agreement, although she does wish that the designers had to create something for a poodle. Specifically, a Poodle Bitch.

Back at the Fashion Institute, Mr. Gunn gives the viewers a helpful history of paper clothing. Poodle Bitch was unaware that the first paper dress was created in 1968. She also didn’t realize that it caused, in Mr. Gunn’s inimitable phrasing, “quite a fervor.”

Althea says that working with paper is like “starting at the bottom.” Given Althea’s previous design efforts, Poodle Bitch would tend to agree with her.

Nicolas fears he will be going home. “I seriously have no idea what I’m doing,” he interviews. Again, Poodle Bitch agrees. He hasn’t had much in the way of ideas all season long.

Irina, true to her nature, is cool and collected. “I’m going to mix materials, and colors, and sort of really make it look like fabric,” she says, sensibly. “It doesn’t have to look like newspaper.”

The others could learn from her.

Shirin shellacks. This apparently causes the others consternation. She’s also quite loquacious and expressive, and if Poodle Bitch didn’t already back Irina, she would happily back this charming young woman.

Poodle Bitch very much likes the fun, whimsical and just-kooky-enough-to-be-charming-but-not-enough-to-be-annoying Shirin.

Giordana wants to create a political statement, but Poodle Bitch is happy to see Mr. Gunn provide her with his usual sensible and insightful encouragement. There is no need to be quite so glum, and quite so stern, despite her accent.

Mr. Gunn tells Althea he is “disappointed” in what she’s creating. Poodle Bitch wonders how he could be disappointed in someone who consistently creates sloppy and unmemorable garments.

Johnny’s “craft project gone awry” makes Mr. Gunn “woeful.” To Poodle Bitch, this is just further evidence that no one on television is more insightful, nor more clever, nor is blessed with a better vocabulary, than Mr. Gunn. She could listen to him expound on any topic, at any time.

Poodle Bitch would love to hear him tell her bedtime stories. She would not even crawl under the bed until he was finished.

“It looks like a bunch of kindergartners did it,” Mr. Gunn concludes. Johnny crumples his dress and starts over.

Mr. Gunn is such a gentleman that he does not even kick Nicolas in the shin when advising him. He tells him that he thinks Nicolas has a great trajectory going. Poodle Bitch would point out that trajectory means nothing if the ultimate destination is… whatever Nicolas is designing.

“The nineties… the millennium version of punk rock,” Nicolas says. Poodle Bitch is already bored with his design. “Punk rock”? Really?

Johnny apparently took Mr. Gunn’s advice so hard that he has given up and is doing crossword puzzles. An iron sputtered and ruined his garment, he claims. No one believes him. Poodle Bitch remembers that this is the same man who threatened to quit on the first episode.

Ironically, he interviews, “I don’t really care what the other designers think of me. I don’t give a damn. Get over it.” Poodle Bitch would give him the same advice. Stop doing crossword puzzles and “get over it.”

And how ridiculous is Althea? “I can’t tell if Irina’s is good or not,” she confides to Ra’mon. Poodle Bitch cares not for people who need to be told what to think. Should she like it? Should she not? Is it good? Ra’mon, what do you think?

Once again, Michael Kors is absent. This week, in his place is Tommy Hilfiger. Zoe Glassner from Marie Claire is filling in for Nina Garcia, and Eva Longoria Parker, who is an actress on a show that Poodle Bitch does not watch.

Ra’mon’s design is very good. Shirin’s is whimsical and fun. Christopher’s was impressive. And of course, Irina’s crinkle trenchcoat is fashionable, couture, and simple in a pleasing way. Once again, she is Poodle Bitch’s favorite. The rest were unimpressive.

Althea’s unmoving design is chosen as a favorite. The judges are blind- that is the only way that Poodle Bitch can explain their love of Althea’s work.

Happily, Irina’s coat is selected as a favorite. Finally, Irina takes her rightful place at the top. Tommy Hilfiger pays her the ultimate compliment when he tells her it is “the new alternative to fur- newspaper.”

Poodle Bitch says that should get Irina the win right there.

Johnny makes excuses for his pathetic dress, then says “I’m not making excuses.” Again, with the sputtering iron. “The other dress was hardcore… it was Dior.”

“It was a red mess,” Nicolas says. Poodle Bitch agrees with Nicolas, as much as it pains her to admit.

The judges say that Nicolas’s dress looks like an insect.

The judges love Christopher’s creative, sexy, glamorous dress. “If you squint, it looks like feathers,” says Eva Longoria etc. Poodle Bitch wonders why you would want to squint when looking at a nice dress.

Poodle Bitch is very happy that Irina’s “originality and risk-taking” (according to Ms. Heidi Klum herself) earned her a win. Finally, the judges have removed their blinders and seen for themselves what Poodle Bitch is happy to say she’s seen from the beginning—

That the poodle companion Irina is the designer to beat this season. She has the taste and refinement that only a poodle companion can possess. She has the skill to give life to that taste and refinement. She has the creativity to match the skill.

“I finally won; it’s past due, I feel like,” she interviews.

Poodle Bitch agrees, and congratulates her on her well-deserved win.

She says so long to Johnny and his sputtering iron. Poodle Bitch does not believe he wanted to be there, anyway.

But she must say that she is astonished to hear Mr. Gunn call Johnny out on his "sputtering iron."

"I am incredulous at that utterly preposterous spewing of fiction that Johnny did on the runway. It was ridiculous."

Poodle Bitch cannot imagine what it would be like to be called out in such a way by the elegant and gentlemanly Tim Gunn. But she must admit that Johnny deserved it.

Poodle Bitch believes that no one should lie in the presence of the honest gentleman Tim Gunn, a man of rare integrity.

Shirin picture source.
Irina picture source.
Tim Gunn picture source.

A Poem For Jessica Simpson's Dog, Daisy

2009-09-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch has already discussed the terrible story of Jessica Simpson's ill-fated maltipoo, Daisy. She has little sympathy for Ms. Simpson.

However, she is filled with sadness over what has happened to Daisy. In fact, Poodle Bitch has been so moved as to compose a poem in honor of Daisy and her sad life.

Poor Daisy! Your life was doomed to be a wreck,
Nam'd for an embarrassing TV "Duke," a redneck,

Cursed by a companion of profound fatuity,
Carried off in the maw of a hungry coyote.

Our hearts quietly break for that wilting maltipoo,
A sad Daisy pluck'd, amidst tabloid hulabaloo.

For sympathy Jessica did tweet,
While you, poor bitch, became luncheon meat.

Poodle Bitch was unable to find photographs of Daisy that did not include her thoughtless companion, "actress" and "singer" Jessica Simpson. It is too bad that Daisy will be remembered in this way.

Pic source.

Poodle Bitch Hopes Jon Gosselin Can Find Some Support in What is a Trying Time for Him

2009-09-17T08:21:00.001-07:00

Poodle Bitch is appalled by the behavior of reality television character Jon Gosselin. This is not new, but neither is it a regular occurrence; Poodle Bitch has too much on her plate (tomato slices) to worry overmuch about the shenanigans of reality television characters. However, in the past, Poodle Bitch's appalled feeling revolved around Mr. Gosselin's treatment of his human companions (wife, girlfriends, children). Now, Poodle Bitch is appalled by his treatment of the family's dogs:

Jon Gosselin is sending his two German Shepherd's back to the breeder as part of the fallout from his divorce from Kate.
...
Now, Shoka and Nala, the family dogs are being discarded and Jon has been telling pals it's Kate's fault because she won't take care of them when he's not at the house.

Ah, yes, of course it is Kate Gosselin's fault that two fabulously wealthy reality television characters cannot spare a few dollars a month to hire someone to feed and water their two German Shepherds when one or the other of them is away hosting The View or cavorting with Star magazine editors.

Poodle Bitch truly feels for Mr. Gosselin in what is certainly a trying time for him. If only he had two companions who would provide him with unconditional love and affection, no matter how boorishly he behaved.

Jon and discarded German shepherds picture source.

Poodle Bitch's Heart Does Not Go Out to Jessica Simpson

2009-09-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch is sorry, but she cannot bring herself to muster anything but disdain for Jessica Simpson, who recently tweeted:

"A coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!"

Her "precious Daisy" is a maltipoo bitch. This is a breed that combines the poodle with the maltese. Poodle Bitch is of course a poodle herself, and so she can tell you that poodles are intelligent- certainly more intelligent than the notoriously unintelligent Ms. Simpson- and have refined manners. Poodle Bitch has already written about malteses, when she took on the case of Aubrey O'Day's hapless dog Ginger.

Poodle Bitch understands the trauma that can be experienced by actual animal lovers when their "precious" companions lose their lives. However, Poodle Bitch does not consider someone who would put a maltipoo in harm's way to be an actual animal lover.

Her suspicion is aroused by the fact that Ms. Simpson went straight to twitter to air her "HORROR" during the search. Poodle Bitch wonders about Ms. Simpson's thought process. "I had better tweet this- perhaps a coyote will read about it and respond with some information."

Poodle Bitch was not alone in wondering this:

After a coyote snatched Jessica Simpson's 5-year-old pooch, Daisy, she posted a note on Twitter offering a reward -- baffling celebrity dog trainer Jennifer McCarthy.

"If she witnesses a coyote taking the dog...obviously coyotes don't Twitter!" McCarthy -- who has trained Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera's pups -- tells Usmagazine.com. "So that would be essentially not very effective in this case."

Poodle Bitch loves the charming naivete displayed by the "celebrity dog trainer." (By the way, Poodle Bitch wonders if she is a celebrity dog trainer, or a celebrity dog trainer?) The tweet would be very effective for a woman who seems to spend most of her career eliciting sympathy. And the other half being stupid.

Of course Poodle Bitch has no way of knowing the exact circumstances of the abduction (which, Poodle Bitch is reluctant to add, has probably already come to a dire conclusion), but she can know that it is easy for humans to keep their "precious" companion animals away from the "HORROR" of coyote attacks by staying away from areas in which coyotes live.

Most especially when your companion is an adorable little maltipoo. Indeed, it is for poor little Daisy that Poodle Bitch has the sympathy. She cannot imagine the terror that poor little creature must have felt. Anything would be better than being carried off by a coyote, including having Jessica Simpson for a companion.

Although, apparently, having Jessica Simpson for a companion means you're likely to be carried off by a coyote.

Jessica Simpson in "happier" times, with poor ill-fated Daisy. Poodle Bitch notes that Ms. Simpson appears to be carrying a cell phone of some kind in that same hand in which she holds her "precious" maltipoo. Hopefully she used it to call 911 before she started using it to tweet how sad she was over the loss of her companion.

Photo source.

Project Runway 6 Episode 4 Ticket to the Future

2009-09-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch had to wait a full five days before she could bring herself to watch the most recent episode of Project Runway. She was filled with uncharacteristic resentment over the elimination of the questionable Mitchell. No, Poodle Bitch was not upset that he was finally eliminated. She was upset that he was not eliminated in the first episode.

She was upset that he was cast on the show at all. Her heart goes out to the dozens of talented designers out there who sent in audition tapes and never heard back from the producers, in favor of a man with little imagination whose sewing skills are worse than Poodle Bitch’s.

And Poodle Bitch lacks opposable thumbs.

This week, Heidi cryptically tells the designers that Mr. Gunn is awaiting them in the workroom with thirteen people who need to be made “very happy.” Nicolas muses that the thirteen people they’ll be designing for could be anyone, from homeless people to—Eskimos.

Poodle Bitch was unaware that people still used that particular word to describe Inuits. Perhaps she should look that up.

But the “Eskimos” turn out to be the designers’ models. They’ve been invited to “an industry event,” as Mr. Gunn says, and then adds, “And what they wear could very well be their ticket to the future.”

At this mentioning of “the future,” Poodle Bitch cannot help but cast her mind back to the gone but not forgotten handstand woman, who in the first episode designed a look for someone attending both the MTV awards and the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony circa 2080.

For this foresight, handstand woman was eliminated. The unfortunate Mitchell remained. And now, here is her perfect challenge.

Then Mr. Gunn informs them that the producers are taking this “ticket to the future” challenge so seriously that the designers will have only one day to complete it, and a budget of $100. They’ll also be given 30 minutes to “caucus” with their clients.

Poodle companion Irina’s model is, as Irina puts it “apprehensive, just because she’s not sure exactly what she wants.” In that case, Poodle Bitch believes that the model is in just the right hands. Irina’s taste is refined and dignified, just as one would expect from a poodle companion.

“She’s very indecisive, so I’ll have to coach her into feeling comfortable with it.”

There is no other designer Poodle Bitch would rather have coaching her into feeling comfortable with anything.

With the other models and designers relationships, Poodle Bitch notices a pattern: The models have questionable desires as clients, and the designers don’t want to create anything that would make them uncomfortable and face elimination.

Althea is going to make her model look like Greta Garbo, complete with a “cigarette jacket.”

“Flowy. Strong. Punk. Cocktail. Tiger” is what Epperson’s model wanted. His design gets some encouraging words from Mr. Gunn, and Poodle Bitch has to say she’s impressed by what he’s doing, based on the seemingly random series of words that his model gave him for inspiration.

Qrystil’s design looks “messy.” Mr. Gunn then says, “It just looks like she’s been rolling around in bed.” Poodle Bitch could not have said it better herself.

Logan doesn’t want his Smurf Prom Dress design to look like a smurf prom dress. “Don’t use that word again!” Mr. Gunn declares. “Don’t put it in anybody’s head!”

What he’s not telling you is that poor Mr. Tim Gunn was traumatized by smurfs as a child.

Mr. Gunn wonders if Carol Hannah’s design isn’t robbing her model of her youth. Considering that Carol Hannah is the one who claims to design clothing for woodland sprites, this might be a literal concern. Could she actually cast a spell of enchantment, Poodle Bitch wonders. Could Carol Hannah be evil woodland sprite designer?

Poodle Bitch is deeply touched to witness Epperson speaking on the phone with his wife and children. But not nearly so touched as Epperson seems to be, as returns to his sewing teary eyed and trembling with emotion.

The judging panel this week consisted of Heidi and three other people Poodle Bitch had never heard of. Where, she wonders, is Michael Kors?

Again, Poodle Bitch’s favorite is the design of poodle companion Irina. Everyone else’s, to Poodle Bitch’s eye, looks half-hearted.

Except, Louise and Ra’mon. Poodle Bitch must admit that these two have also crafted worthy garments.

She notes that none of her choices made the judges’ top. Woodland sprite woman did, which tells you something about the judges. Epperson’s elegant punk tiger dress was also a top judges’ choice. Althea’s silly suit was another top choice.

Poodle Bitch must say she is mystified. She would wear none of these clothes.

Logan’s Smurf Prom Dress came across to the judges as a prom dress. Johnny’s flirty purple is described by Heidi as “bridesmaid.” Another judge calls it “wearable.” A third complains that it’s “too accessible.” Qrystil’s frumpy black dress aged her model ten years. “That’s like dog years,” Heidi says. Poodle Bitch is unsure if that is meant to be an insult.

Althea’s silliness was declared the winner. This is not as big a travesty as Mitchell’s not being eliminated in the first round; nevertheless, Poodle Bitch hardly feels confident in the judges.

Qrystil is out. Poodle Bitch couldn’t be happier, as she never really learned how to spell her name.

Poodle Bitch Wonders Why Kanye West Doesn't Start His Own Awards Show

2009-09-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

Poodle Bitch spends little time following the antics of Kanye West, who is apparently a genius, at least in his own humble estimation. And who is Poodle Bitch to judge that? She likes to think of herself as a dog of refined taste and exceeding cleverness, and an odor like what sunshine would smell like, if sunshine had a smell.

Nevertheless, she was unable to ignore his recent boorishness at an event called "The Empty V Music Awards," or perhaps it is called "The MTV Music Awards," she is unsure and cares little. For the most part, it involves people about which Poodle Bitch knows hardly anything at all, presenting one another with awards for achievements that Poodle Bitch believes should cause shame and embarrassment, not pride.

To that end, Kanye West was so filled with indignation by what he perceived to be a gross miscarriage of justice, that he was unable to keep his seat. Storming the stage, he commandeered a microphone and had to offer his opinion about...

...Taylor Swift's Best Female Video award.

The rapper stormed the stage just after the first award, for Best Female Video, was presented to Taylor Swift. He cut the teen singer off, grabbing the mic and protesting in support of Beyoncé.

"I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time," he proclaimed as B looked on from the crowd, stunned.

Poodle Bitch was unaware that the crowd at an Empty V awards show could be "stunned." She has to say she's a bit disappointed.

She's also unaware that Kanye West, a rapper, spent his free time not composing danceable music, but creating lists of the greatest videos of all time. Poodle Bitch would love to see this list- she's curious where he would place Poodle Bitch's own all time favorite video, "Come Dancing" by the Kinks. That video actually makes Poodle Bitch tear up, when she's feeling particularly sentimental.

And then there's "Private Dancer," by Tina Turner. Another deeply moving song.

Moreover, where does Peter Gabriel's classic and innovative "Sledgehammer" video fall on Mr. West's list?

Perhaps the most important question is, Where would Mr. West place his own videos on this list of his? Does he think that Ms. Beyoncé's paean to marital commitment is greater than his own "Touch the Sky?"

Poodle Bitch's point is that it seems a bit premature to declare a video that is only about a year old to be one of the greatest of all time. Perhaps it is time for Mr. West to start his own awards show. Those awards he does not win himself- probably awards for women- could be given to Beyoncé. Poodle Bitch's first suggestion for a category: "Best Female Music Video that is not by Taylor Swift."

Kanye West making his point, at Taylor Swift's expense. She was rude to win the award in the first place.

UPDATE 9/15/09 @ 1:45 PM PST: Poodle Bitch has just discovered this item at TMZ, in which President Barack Obama is heard to use indelicate language to describe Mr. West, regarding his actions toward Ms. Swift. Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps the president could have used more elevated language to express his opinion, such as she herself is known to use?

pic source.